A Children's Treasury Of Ashley Todd Updates

Ashley Todd is the brave young patriot Ken and Jim have been writing about nonstop since yesterday evening. She got robbed of her pocket change by an angry dyslexic Negro monster lurking behind a Pittsburgh-area money hole, and then Twittered about it all the way home, and now nobody believes her story because America is still a very sexist nation. This morning we found one billion tips in our inbox containing various sordid revelations regarding this tragic victim. Let's take a look...

• This poor gal was not only gently assaulted with a dull knife, "She further stated that the male actor approached her from the back again and hit her in the back of her head with an object, she doesn't know what the object was, causing her to fall to the ground where he continued to punch her and kick her and threaten to 'teach her a lesson' for being a McCain supporter,' Richard said."

• "Officials have reportedly requested a polygraph test be performed because her statements about the attack 'conflict with evidence from the Citizens Bank ATM where she claims the incident occurred.'"

• "When Ms. Todd reported the incident, 'nowhere did she say to the officer that [the assailant] made reference to the bumper sticker. I don't know how she came to the conclusion that he noticed the sticker,' Cmdr. Ross said."

• Ha ha ha oh God and then this hysterical reaction from theExecutive Vice President of Fox News: "[T]his incident could become a watershed event in the 11 days before the election. If Ms. Todd’s allegations are proven accurate, some voters may revisit their support for Senator Obama, not because they are racists (with due respect to Rep. John Murtha), but because they suddenly feel they do not know enough about the Democratic nominee. If the incident turns out to be a hoax, Senator McCain’s quest for the presidency is over, forever linked to race-baiting."

So THANKS A LOT, Ashley Todd, John McCain was about to win this whole thing until you RUINED IT with your little MAKEUP STUNT.