Wonkette
Only a dozen more days of crazy emails from the brave nuts warning us about Barack Obama’s sinister plans for the world, as revealed by a telephone psychic in the 16th Century! Ha, not really! Assuming Obama somehow wins the election, in this country, these wingnuts are going to make the Clinton era’s talk-radio New World Order paranoia look like a beautiful time of civilized discourse. Let’s read today’s email of the day!
To: tips@wonkette.com
From: amy___@gmail.com
Date: Oct. 23, 2008 12:11 p.m.
Subject: NOBAMARUSSIA INVADES THE CZECH REPUBLIC
INNER-CITY CRIME SOARS WHEN GUNS ARE BANNED
THE ELDERLY ALL BUT FORCED TO CHOOSE EUTHANASIA
JUSTICE SCALIA REPLACED BY…A LIBERAL?ALL THIS AND MORE IN 2012 UNDER PRESIDENT OBAMA: http://focusfamaction.edgeboss.net/download/focusfamaction/pdfs/10-22-08_2012letter.pdf
THANK YOU, FOCUS ON THE FAMILY, FOR WARNING US OF THIS DIRE PERIL
No, thank you, Amy. Because one thing the Czechs would never see coming is an invasion by Moscow. The very idea is absurd!
INNER-CITY CRIME SOARS WHEN GUNS ARE BANNED
Because it’s sooooooo easy to get a concealed carry permit and legally carry a gun in most inner cities today.
“JUSTICE SCALIA REPLACED BY…A LIBERAL?”
Jebus doesn’t love me that much.
I like the Scalia part!?
Added to which, The Star-Spangled Banner will be replaced by Afrika Bambaataa’s “Planet Rock”.
We are all Czechoslovakian now.
So, yeah, when is the NRA’s gun distribution program launching for inner city poor minorities?
HOLY SHIT that’s a lot of information. OH MY GOD I AM FREAKING OUT NOW.
Take away the guns and everybody will shoot each other.
Russia invades ’cause, you know, what the hell else is there to do when your Russia?
Medicare works SOO Fucking well that when a liberal takes over it is RUINED ABSOLUTELY ’cause it works so well now.
What? Scalia? Isn’t he the one who went against Bush and all that?
AHA!!!! NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANYMORE!!!!!!1!
And can everyone tell yesterday was All Caps Day?
Serolf Divad:
Just to clarify: I do realize, of course that by “INNER-CITY CRIME SOARS WHEN GUNS ARE BANNED” what Focus on the Family really means is: “Negroid thugs will emerge from the shadows of inner city crack dens, invade our suburbs, and rape and murder our white-women, once one of their own is elected president.” (imagine all-caps, because I just don’t have the wherewithall)
Like Focus on the Family give’s a rat’s patootie about inner-city anything.
INNER-CITY CRIME SOARS WHEN GUNS ARE BANNED
Those inner city water balloon fights will be EPIC.
i’m sorry…wha???
Clancy_Pants: Like its a bad thing?
These people honestly don’t believe there’s a such a thing as honestly disagreeing about something.
Serolf Divad: OK, so we sorta said the same thing, though yours, as usual, was better.
magic titty: or American Booty by Jakatta
Is that you, TRUECRISTIAN?
“THE ELDERLY ALL BUT FORCED TO CHOOSE EUTHANASIA”…
So Obama is going to adopt the old slogan from “The Onion” as official policy?
“If the heat doesn’t kill the elderly, I will”.
So the rapture is going to happen in the Czech Republic?
Good to know!
Are we gonna have to take gramma to the vet clinic like we did with Buddy the Beagle?
Sassette: LOL, …and the FOOD FIGHTS!
Considering modern geography, Russia would have to invade Belarus and Poland first. Seriously, does anyone look at a map anymore? Where’s Ms. South Carolina when you need her to cold throw some knowledge down?
magic titty: This of course, would be a good thing.
Justice Scalia could pretty much be replaced by a watercress sandwich. And the sandwich would offer more depth to the public discourse.
Amy…Surplus?
“THE ELDERLY ALL BUT FORCED TO CHOOSE EUTHANASIA”
Damn it! They’ve figured out our plan to cut Medicare and Social Security spending.
wilmawonker: Hmmmm It would save some serious Benjamins and Granny would probably be treated a lot better?
I thought they wanted the inner city people to kill each other. Wasn’t that Reagan’s grand
dragonplan?Why didn’t they mention that “In God We Trust” is going to be replaced by “Kill Whitey?”
wilmawonker: No, but if Palin wins, you’ll have to put her on an ice floe….while we still have ice floes.
Jeebus, I didn’t know they let Batshit Bachman near a pooter anymore. Aren’t they afraid she will hurt herself swallowing the keys or sumthin’? **Imagining a defeated MB off her meds, going bonkers (well, more than she already is) somewhere north of the Twin Cities**
THANK YOU, FOCUS ON THE FAMILY, FOR WARNING US OF THIS DIRE PERIL
amen!
When we become a socialist/fascist/commie/benevolent dictatorship, will it
look like the John Hurt/Rich. Burton “1984″? Or like Gilliam’ “Brazil”?
I want to get down to Barney’s to buy some grey suits or to Sargeant Rock’
Army Surplus store to buy some WWII Navy engine room coveralls.
Lemme know, mkay?
That letter loses points because everything is spelled correctly.
I am most concerned that the crazies have started using gmail. Certified crazy mail only comes courtesy of AOL.
Well, it is Inter….
Scuz me.
WELL, IT IS INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY
REMEMBER TO USE CRUISE CONTROL ON THIS, THE HOLIEST DAY ON THE INTERNET CALENDAR
ARUGALA REPLACES ICEBERG AS LETTUCE OF CHOICE AT DENNY’S
The Cold Sea: No no no - Russia will come in through Alaska. Like, duh.
magic titty: I can get on board with that. We need a national anthem you can dance to!
Umm Amy, the elderly are ALREADY forced into choosing euthanasia. Duh.
As I said before, the likelihood of Russia invading the Czech Republic is the same as that of Michael Phelps accidentally drowning in the bath.
Miss South Carolina needs to promote more map ownership in American homes.
AGGGHHH! ACORN!
Dr Ray Stantz: Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling!
Dr. Egon Spengler: Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes…
Winston Zeddemore: The dead rising from the grave!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria!
Also: socialist dictatorship? Do these people understand that words actually have meanings?
CAPS LOCK DAY SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL.
We are NOT banning guns. We are giving them to the elderly so they can quickly and inexpensively “euthanize” themselves in the privacy and comfort of their homes.
wilmawonker: No, don’t be ridiculous. Grandma went to live on a nice farm upstate, where she can roam free and chase squirrels and live a long and happy life.
The Cold Sea: Ah crap, you said that thing afore me. I’m too slow these days.
Sassette: Good thing I have my board with a nail in it…of course they won’t be able to blame me…I already abentee voted for Kodos…
OK, has anyone actually downloaded the .pdf and revelled in its lunatic idiocy? Here’s a typical scenario as described in the tract:
(25) Israel: “The home of the brave”? In mid-2010 Iran launched a nuclear bomb which
exploded in the middle of Tel Aviv, destroying much of that city. They then demanded that Israel
cede huge amounts of territory to the Palestinians, and after an anguished all-night cabinet
meeting, Israel’s Prime Minister agreed. Israel is now reduced to a much smaller country, hardly
able to defend itself, and its future remains uncertain. President Obama said that he abhorred
what Iran had done and he hoped that the UN would unanimously condemn this crime against
humanity. He also declared that the U.S. would be part of any international peacekeeping force if
authorized by the UN, but the Muslim nations in the UN have so far prevented any UN action.
I’d say the odds of Israel responding to such an attack in the described manner, as opposed to simply obliterating Iran about 10 trillion to one.
Clearly, gun owners are currently doing a terrific job of keeping down inner-city crime.
I love “email of the day”..reading them is kind of like tackling a fear of heights…
rev_matt_y: No. They try to use the “LOUD NOISES!!” argument.
MARK FOLEY WILL BE FORCED TO CHOOSE YOUTH IN ASIA.
ROVING BANDS OF UPPITY NEGRAS WILL TAKE YOUR MONEY AWAY AND THEN SPEND IT AT A RESTAURANT THAT SERVES BROILED BABYFETUSES BEFORE BLOWING UP THE REAL VIRGINIA WITH STEM-CELL BOMBS, AFTER WHICH THEY’LL PLAY CROQUET WITH AHMAHDINEJAD AND EVERYBODY WILL SMOKE DRUGS AND HAVE GAY BLOWJOBSECKS IN PUBLIC SCHOOLS AND THE LIBERAL MEDIA WILL LOVE IT ALL AND EVERYBODY WILL DIE IN FLAMES AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGHHH!
Serolf Divad: No, cuz I figure that would count as a hit on their blog or whatever. But I will be happy to read, make fun of it here.
I heard the Russians are planning to invade Euthanasia.
I’ll take one of each, please. Especially that Scalia thing.
DERE MORANS U FORGOT SOILINT GRENE
http://www.milkandcookies.com/link/44696/detail/
wheelie: The neat trick will be doing it without going through the Ukraine, Poland, slovakia, and, Hungary. Those Russkies are crafty.
HE’S DARKSIDED TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I love how the wingnuts believe that legalizing gay marriage and protecting access to abortion somehow makes America less free.
wheelie:
AND AFTER THE RUSSIAN INVASION
THE ELDERLY ALL BUT FORCED TO CHOOSE LITHUANIA
Damn, somebody needs to get their head Czeched. Wokka wokka wokka!
gjdodger: Of course, Clarence Thomas will side with the watercress sandwich on every decision.
MargeSimpsonsBlackFriend: Why not combine them all and have Scalia euthanized in downtown Prague?
lumpenprole: I actually thought of the dogs and cats line also. Bill Murray can do no wrong in my book.
bhosp: LOL. That shit never gets old.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7TJLOGI2Odc
freakishlystrong:
I too love email of the day. I hope our Wonkette overlords collect these gems and create a commemorative desktop calendar. Once a day, the Wonketteer community can peel a page from the calendar revealing a fresh delusional right wing rant.
I fear the only thing this email portends is that the New York Times bestseller list will be chock full of books that make The Turner Diaries look like The Nanny Diaries.
Serolf Divad:
In related news, Cuba’s successful invasion of the American Southeast surprised many.
Serolf Divad: NO, I WAS SCARED IT WOULD BLOW UP MY INTERTUBES!
Frankly, I’ve been for euthanizing the elderly for some time. We have plenty of Wal*Mart greeters — it’s time to thin the herd.
StrangelyBrown: Dare to dream, sir. Dare to dream.
Oh and here is the email some Obama lover just forwarded me from one of the cold caucasian countries about how a young black fellow, who was poor and in law school, helped some lady get all of her shit to another country by paying $103 (2 Million in today’s dollars). It actually is touching if your heart is not cold and dead (mine is): http://theladnerreportblog.blogspot.com/2008/10/amazing-obama-helped-stranded-stranger.html
StrangelyBrown: Can they just Hale Bop themselves if Hopey wins?
IT IS NICE TO SEE SO MANY OF YOU CELEBRATING CAPS LOCK DAY.
DEY TEK UR JEEEEEERRRRRRRRRBS
Deepthroat:
Venkman/Palin 2012
“Back off, man. I’m a scientist.”
SayItWithWookies: KILL WHITEY
One Yield Regular: Sarah Palin plans on solving inner-city crime the same way she likes to cull wolf packs……. but with fully automatic weapons
These people HATE the queers.
Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
THE ELDERLY ALL BUT FORCED TO CHOOSE EUTHANASIA;
And love is a thing that can never go wrong;
And I am Marie of Romania.
–The Dorothy Parker of the Cyber Age
http://capslockday.com/
IT REALLY IS CAPS LOCK DAY
So when these inner cities do more soaring in the crime, what will they use instead of guns? knives? wiffle bats? I don’t follow the argument. We want guns issued to everyone in the inner city?
Sassette: WATER BALLOON FIGHTS FTW
Would this euthanasia be the sort we see in Soylent Green? I presume they base everything on Chuck Heston in some way.
Lascauxcaveman: You mean fights over food, right? Because once we’re a socialist republic we’ll all be way too poor to go wasting food by throwing it at each other!
Listen, I think we all know if Obama really had a time machine he’d make it so that whites were the slaves of blacks. Clearly that’s what would happen, possibly added in with Obama even going back to clone Hitler, not assassinate him.
http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/
Serolf Divad: Israel is no punk. Why we’re trying to protect them and isntead of them protecting us, I’ll never understand. Have you seen Israeli martial arts? Those guys can kill you with a spoon.
american mutt: NObama will take away guns from law abiding real-Americans, give them to black and Latino inner city gun needers (who already own all the illegal gunz anyway, duh) in his welfare stimulus package. Then these animal-folk will barge into the rural towns and rape all the white women. And allow same-sex marriage.
What don’t you understand?
Also, this e-mail makes the rather egregious error of omitting the true terror facing us all – that FEMA IS GOING TO KILL US ALL BECAUSE WE HAVE TURNED AWAY FROM JESUS:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1MPgpK0uHfk
shortsshortsshorts: psst. Shorts, that was yesterday.
american mutt: We can use the condoms that the Obama Administration will surely hand out on street corners with vouchers for abortion clinics and gay orgy clubs! Because obviously we won’t be able to afford balloons what with being taxed 150% of our income.
My grandmother’s had a good run…
magic titty: To bad Hale-Bopp wont come back around sooner.
AND THE PRICE OF ARUGULA WILL SOAR TO $150 A GALLON….
magic titty: Who isn’t all for that?
TRUE CHRISTIANS KNOW GOD NEVER REALLY CARED FOR THE CZECH REPUBLIC ANYWAY, NOTHING PERSONAL, BUT THERE, SOMEONE HAD TO SAY IT AND IT’S SAID.
Sassette: there is a group of anti-abortion protesters that hang out in Alexandria every Saturday near an OBGYN office. They are a big crowd and have the foetus picture signs, Bibles, the whole 9 yards. I wish I were mean enough to go over to them one morning and hand out abortion clinic and gay orgy vouchers. Just seeing them makes me want to provoke them. Sort of like when you see a button that says DO NOT PRESS. You just want to sooooo bad.
Doglessliberal: Maybe that crazy lady who made the Obama bucks will make them for you if you tell her they’re going in anti-Obama mailers!
THE ELDERLY ALL BUT FORCED TO CHOOSE EUTHANASIA
YES!! I was hoping my investments in the mass production of Jack Kevorkian’s Mercitron™ would finally pay off!
Serolf Divad: I tried…really, really tried to read it. I got as far as the point about the Boy Scouts. To wit…
“(1) Boy Scouts: “The land of the free”? The Boy Scouts no longer exist as an
organization. They chose to disband rather than be forced to obey the Supreme Court decision
that they would have to hire homosexual scoutmasters and allow them to sleep in tents with
young boys.”
What about the pitching of tents with young boys? Wholesome fun, no?
magic titty: How do you not go with Fear of a Black Planet? PE number one gets the job done.
Serolf Divad: Having read the letter, I think the idea is that Israel will be so weakened by the mandatory homosexuality, abortion, and pornography program instituted by the Obama administration (which, admittedly, only applies to the U.S., but c’mon, that stuff is so tempting that everyone will start doing it), that when the Iranian attack comes, they’ll just roll over and take it (intentional double-entendre).
I was interested to read that Russia will occupy “Poland, Hungary, the Czech Republic and Bulgaria.” This would seem to skip over a few intermediate places like Slovakia and Romania, but I suppose the Russians have their reasons.
El Topo: Play croquet WITHOUT PRECONDITIONS, mind you…
i’m sorry, but i’m a real nonconformist and not one of those “wear black” nonconformists. caplocks day is another hallmark conspiracy — hallmark trolls out of wonkette!
Hide your loot cause SEC’s Cox has declared a “War on Confusion”! Cue Phil Collins -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qU0gwFcd9F4
Dana Perino has already accepted a Press Secretary position for the Whore of Babylon.
problemwithcaring: So awesome.
[citation needed]
Screw time machines, Hopey will fly around the Earth backward to make time go in reverse.
DarkSynergy: But hopefully “Um Bop” will.
Maybe it’s because I’m new to this, but I don’t get the whole homasekshul government conspiracy thing. I mean, aren’t the Republicans in charge now as it is?
magic titty: that would seriously be the best action obama could take in his presidency. FINALLY, a national anthem I can get down to.
Yeah right. We’re going to be dealing with Scalia’s severed, animated head 200 years from now. I saw it on “Futurama.” (Or if I didn’t, I should have.)
THE SOARING CRIME RATE DUE TO GUN OWNERSHIP BEING ILLEGAL WILL BE OFFSET BY THE REDUCED CRIME RATE DUE TO MARIJUANA BEING LEGAL. WE ALL COULD BE CRIMINALS, IT JUST DEPENDS ON WHAT THE LAW IS.
HAPPY CLD, EVERYBODY!
Dawn Keipuntsh: You win all my internets for the day.
Basil Morningwood: What about this part:
It had become increasingly difficult for the Boy Scouts to find meeting places anyway, because in 2009 Congress passed and President Obama signed an expansion of the Civil Rights Act of 1964, which extended federal civil rights protections to people engaging in homosexual behavior. So the Boy Scouts had already been kicked out of all public facilities.
I don’t understand what this is even supposed to mean. Is it like “Sorry Boy Scouts, you can’t meet in the civic center because these guys booked it for ass-fucking. And I heard the school gymnasium is being used for cock-sucking, so you probably won’t have better luck there.”?
Or do they mean that gay scout leaders are naturally going to be engaging in gay sex acts during scout meetings, and so they’re being kicked out because hey, you can’t fuck these little boys here! Which wouldn’t the civil liberties crap prevent them from being kicked out for that?
So confusing. And I’m only on page 3 out of 16!
“THE ELDERLY ALL BUT FORCED TO CHOOSE EUTHANASIA”
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