Wonkette
This New Depression has gotten off to a swimming start! Now that nobody has any homes or monies or televisions and the election is almost over, there will be no news anymore, so ABC News is instituting some DRACONIAN cost-cutting measures. No holiday parties, no more “paying for meals for impoverished tech crews on location” type nonsense, and freelancers are seeing their hours cut cut cut.
A depressing email went out to the Washington bureau of ABC News, and it said all sorts of sad things like, “If you want to have a party in your bureau or office, the company will not put money toward it or reimburse you for any expenses.” (No more free gin, boozebags!) Also nobody gets a print subscription to anything anymore, it’s all online, so now reporters will have to read blogs and stuff, like hobos. Soon reporters will also have to write their own paychecks, and not get reimbursed for that, either.
ABC Tightens Belt For Bumpy Economic Ride [Broadcasting & Cable]
Boy, life in the tank doesn’t sound very fun.
I’d like to know what their anchors are being paid. Maybe they could chip in a few of their millions for party favors, and gin.
No ABC News Christmas Party? Damnit! Now how will John Stossel get to awkwardly grope interns while reeking of scotch?
The cost cutting has been going on for a long time. That’s why ‘real news’ is so hard to find (it’s just too expensive to research those stories).
If only somebody would cut Charlie Gibson’s capital gains taxes, everything would be OK.
Live in the tank, die in the tank. Just like my old goldfish. R.I.P. Big Al.
As long as Mark Halpern still gets his subscription to “Republican Talking Points”, the news will go on.
They’re going to replace all the on-air talent with CGI… It was originally conceived when an exec saw Charlie Gibson on an HD teevee full frame to give us flawless talking heads, but they soon realized it can be a big cost savings too.
What about Ross’ prop phone? Does he have have to pay for his own pretend minutes now?
Looks like it’s time for an emergency federal bail-out of America’s fourth-rail.
Man, I’m glad I live in Houston, where we will ALWAYS be able to afford booze! It’s almost priority number one, second only to meat– we gotta have our BBQ!!
McCain and Palin both hope this means a cut in follow up questions as well.
I blame ACORN.
And socialism.
Hey maybe they could branch out into a new division known as “reporting” from which people could derive “information” and that might generate something called “ratings,” which in turn might stave off the days of unscrewing each and every light bulb before the last poor schmuck leaves the building for the night.
“freelance journalists” for ABC?! Wait… what? isn’t that akin to “schmuck with a cellphone”?
ireporter: “Here you go, Mr. Westin. My Treo has footage of Sarah Palin and Ted Stevens actually having sex right on the dais at the Alaska State House. You can clearly see that they’re stretched out on the carcass of a dead moose. I’m surprise to see that he’s so virile right now, but apparently he most definitely is.”
Westin: “Thank you for your submission. Here’s a box full of sterno.”
They will replace all the male on air “talent” with women and pay them less.
McCain is doing his part to help out ABC by offering to do two-for-one interviews from here on out. No longer will the networks have to spend extra money interviewing McCain and Palin separately. From now on whenever they interview Palin, McCain will be sitting right there next to her looking all awkward and shit next to the pretty retard in case the networks want to ask him any questions (or in case they want to ask her any difficult questions).
No more Bagel Mondays? Bastards.
Stossel is renting out his moustasche to Thomas Friedmann on weekends.
Political news will now consists only of reading RNC talking points — straight from the fax; no time is to be spent on rewriting to make it less obvious
Mr Blifil: you clearly hate America and are Muslin, with your radical plans and proposals.
4tehlulz: it works for Fox….
Nightline will now be Youtube-only content. Martin Bashir will anchor using a web cam on his office computer to save on expensive studios.
Does this mean the terrorists have won?
I’ve seen this one already. William Hurt gets the anchor gig, Holly Hunter gets all girly and weepy, and Albert Brooks uses his skill set to become an editor at Wonkette.
I’m changing the channel - where’s my goddam clicker?
Perhaps they could make a calendar featuring cuppie doll news reporters in various states of undress to raise some badly needed cash?
…does this lack of ratings mean more in depth exposes on Britney and newborn zoo animals?!
But! A silver lining!
New grads from Columbia, Syracuse and Northwestern can skip that small market/learn your craft stuff and go straight to the network. Of course, you’ll be making 50-grand and shooting your own video, but you’ll be on NETWORK TV so it’ll be fine.
And when these 20 somethings wise up and complain, they’ll be replaced by other young, gullible things who also can’t report their way out of a paper bag. And so on and so on.
Who’s going to pay for all of Stephanopoulos’ bitches?
mattbolt: No more mustache rides.
In a desperate bid for cash, Disney has billed the McCain campaign for all of the hot suckoffs that The Note has provided over the years.
That’s it, I’ve been looking for a reason to switch to Naked News.
AngryBlakGuy: I don’t know about you, but I need to be immediately notified when a polar bear is born in captivity. I also like hard hitting stories about skate boarding bull dogs and water skiing squirrels. As long as it’s fair and balanced mind you.
Austerity in what respect, Charlie?
No meal money for location crews, eh? Quite the bold cost-cutting move, must save the network tens of thousands … of nickels!
FreshCliches: William Hurt gets the anchor gig, Holly Hunter gets all girly and weepy, and Albert Brooks …. I love that movie. I used to show it to my journalism students when I didn’t feel like teaching.
If you pay their light bill for the day you get to host the nightly news that night. I heard George Stephanopoulos is a rent boy again, just leave the money on the dresser he needs it to fund a swing state poll. You don’t want to know what Charlie Gibson is doing for cash.
http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/
They already took the logo lower-case back in the ’80s, what else can they cut?
nurple: They can change the font to “Courier”.
Journalism might be cheaper if they stopped paying self important meat puppets $20 mil a year and used that monies for the grunts who do the actual work. Perhaps ABC might be better off to hire the Naked Newz Girlz and Guyz instead of Charlie “In What Respect?” Gibson.
DoctorCulturae: Cuppie doll? Oh! You mean kewpie doll. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kewpie For a second there I had terrifying vision of Diane Sawyer and Andrea Mitchell doing the 2girls&1cup thing.
*shudder*
Geebus, nobody likes office parties anyway. Why the hell would you want to party with somebody you work with?
They’re even combining their news and PR division, as evidenced by this breaking news email that just went out, or so it seems:
Breaking News from ABCNEWS.com: Elisabeth Hasselbeck of ‘The View’ Invited by Sarah Palin to Appear at Two Weekend Rallies
TGY:
There’s always trying to chat up the cute girl in finance.
dano: Hey, bitch, ABC provides serious news stuff. Today:
‘American Gangster’ Lucas Sued for Libel
Tearful Pleas for Death for Yacht Murderer
Sex Offender Begs City for 2nd Chance
Meet Nancy Nichols: First Time Homebuyer
WATCH: Does Vitamin C Speed Up a Cold?
WATCH: Robocaller Hangs Up on Job
WATCH: Obama Sticker Wasn’t Enough
Britney’s ‘Womanizer’ Makes a Big Splash
PHOTOS: Celebs Take Heels to New Heights
PHOTOS: Ricci Reveals Back Tattoos
George & Chuckie should have never messed with Barry during that primary debate with Hillz. All of Barry’s gods have wreaked their vengeance upon them now, I see.
ManchuCandidate: Haha, only if you’re a VP or above. Otherwise, dating in the workplace is asking for a pink-slipped ticket to hoboland sans beans.
Looks like i picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue…
Lascauxcaveman: DAMN you. I just had taken a mouthful of yogurt.
Doglessliberal: Would you like to subscribe to my weekly Weight-Loss Tips newsletter?
Lascauxcaveman: you might be on to something there. “Watch these videos around mealtimes…”
Hmmmm, the demise of Foxnews would really make me happy…but wait a minute…Who would I tune into for comic relief when I’m depressed?
Lascauxcaveman: Ha! Can I haz spellchehk now? Double entendre not intended but appreciated!
Doglessliberal: Hopefully that wasn’t a euphemism, ’cause it’s a bitch to get dried semen out of a keyboard . . .
natoslug: no, it was honest to goodness Stonyfield Farm. You must have a much more exciting workplace than I!
Doglessliberal: Just one of the hazards of working out of a home office, I guess. I’ve got to see if I can get my wife to dress up as SKS today.
Bad news indeed. Some of the shooters may have to sell one of their sailboats.
I understand Peter Jennings is willing to work for fresh flowers.
Ohhh. Too soon?