Wonkette
Well here’s a story, we suppose: Some nut in Minnesota spray-painted weird religious things on the garages belonging to Senators Norm Coleman and Amy Klobuchar and U.S. Representatives Keith Ellison, John Kline, Michele Bachmann and Jim Ramstad. So, Democrats and Republicans, Lutherans and Jesus Freaks, even a Muslim! What the hell?
This person, possibly the Batman, hit all these houses last night! The garages were all vandalized with variations of “U R A CRIMINAL RESIGN OR ELSE! PSALM 2,” suggesting either Prince (who lives in the area) or AOL commenters (who are legion) did the terrorism. Oh, and he/they/it showed extra hatred for Ellison, our first Islamic congressman since Thomas Jefferson, because his house got sprayed, too.
Perhaps most sinister is the possible criminal use of a stepstool outside the Ellison residence, suggesting Garrison Keillor is responsible for these hate crimes:
The word “SCUM” was spraypainted above the garage door — high enough, Weiss said, that the culprit probably would have needed a stepstool.
Psalm 2, that is not even a verse, it’s a whole goddamned chapter or whatever you call it, in the Bible, suggesting that the Lord God may be responsible for these horrors. Let’s check it out:
1 Why do the heathen rage,
and the people imagine a vain thing?
2 The kings of the earth set themselves,and the rulers take counsel together,
against the LORD, and against his Anointed, Acts 4.25, 26 saying,
3 Let us break their bands asunder,and cast away their cords from us.
4 He that sitteth in the heavens shall laugh:the Lord shall have them in derision.
5 Then shall he speak unto them in his wrath,and vex them in his sore displeasure ….
And etc., etc., who the hell knows what it means. Also, there are 275 crazy comments on the Star Tribune article, with about 95% of them missing the point that Democrats and Republicans were both targeted, so go laugh at that.
Police: Coleman, Klobuchar, four others have property vandalized [Star Tribune]
I fully support any random reason to post pictures of Prince. I would so do Prince. How I love him.
Inkadink a bottle a ink!
No way that one person hit every house in one night. I suspect a coordinated attack, probably originating on 4chan, like every other stupid thing in the universe.
I hear vandalizing people’s homes is the best way to spread The Good Word…
Perhaps this is just a prelude to the post-election rioting we going to see.
Things Prince would do:
1. Wear an assless yellow jumpsuit
2. Darling Nikki
3. Change his name to a symbol
Things Prince would not do:
1. Spray paint homes
2. Stop making sweet sweet love
3. Renounce platform shoes
Bipartisan hatred. THATS the America I knew and loved!
jagorev: Two words: Santa Claus
This is a desperate cry for attention by Laurie “Blo ‘n Go” Coleman.
BillyClubb: Git ur bullit prooof vests now!
Boy, Psalm 2 - who writes like that, anymore…! Just sittething here, I’m impressed!
It’s pretty clear that the missing hate link here is that the people who got spray painted went shopping with Palin in that godless Neimann Marcus store.
Have people lost their fucking minds already?
God is not amused.
Let us break their bands asunder
Only politician I know who was in a band that broke up is that guy from Orleans with the gay porn naked pictures on the album cover and stuff, and I don’t think they were from Minnesota.
3 Let us break their bands asunder
Does this part foretell the coming of Yoko Ono?
Personally, I don’t understand why they didn’t leave poor Coleman alone. He has enough troubles these days, what with Al Franken giving him a run for his money.
SCUM
Society For Cutting Up Men?
NoWireHangers: 3. Renounce platform shoes This would solve the stepstool problem, however.
NoWireHangers:
Also something Prince would not do: Make interesting music in the last 20 years, or like, ever…
God’s own vandalism rapsheet includes Mene, Mene, Tekel u-Pharsin http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_writing_on_the_wall
This is clearly the work of Al Franken
grendel: …or Tom Davis….
WadISay: Don’t forget Sodom and Gomorrah… and Lot’s wife…
and vex them in his sore displeasure…
We’ve all been there, am I right?
NoWireHangers: Brilliant.
grendel: Do not hate on Prince pre-1989.
Why is the rest of the nation becoming just as creepy as Los Angeles?
WonderWomyn: Ooh, whatever happened to Valerie Solanis? She shot Andy Warhol and then, all of a sudden, no-one wants to hang around with her any more.
grendel: DEATH 2 U
and vex them in his sore displeasure
Now there’s a phrase that needs to get more circulation. How do I work that into the next faculty meeting?
grendel: BLASPHEMER!
grendel: That would explain the step stool.
I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU SAY KEN LAYNE I AM STILL BLAMING A PARTICULAR SECT OR GROUP FOR THIS EVEN THOUGH I HAVE NOT YET DECIDED WHO TO BLAME ANY SUGGESTIONS ANYONE?
NoWireHangers: Little known fact: Santa Claus is also a 4chan prank.
Ken Layne: Hahah I got Ken Layne to come down from his cloud on high to tell me off! WIN!
Spray paint? It must have been the Prince formerly known as an Artist.
The demands of the members of Christ It’s Cold Lutheran Church in Hopkins will be met or further crimes involving LOLcat spelling and stool usage will be committed.
StrangelyBrown: Pretty sure that neatly captures the Red Sox Nation’s attitude toward Tampa Bay right now.
grendel: Someone’s gonna get his Wonkette profile erased… Don’t anger the powers that be.
grendel: Adios Gren, been nice knowing you. Tell Tony the Tiger we said hi.
Squires of Dimness
Also, the better alt text clearly would have been “graffiti bridge to nowhere”.
grendel: If only someone could get ‘Miss Thang’ Sara K. Smith to talk to us Wonktards. Then and only then will I be impressed.
grendel: You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
shortsshortsshorts: I suppose I can blame the jews, because, you know, they wrote the Psalms in the first place…
BillyClubb: Speaking truth to power is to be respected, sir
Since he/she/it didn’t spraypaint ‘cunt’ on anything, I guess we pretty much know who didn’t do it.
Okay, I’ll grant that 1992-2004 were kind of dark years for Prince fans, but 3121 is a solid album, and Planet Earth has several great tracks.
Today, we are all stool toting vandals
I’d love to think it was a nifty radical anarchist group or something, then i remembered: Minnesota. Prolly not…
i think we need more posts that give us the opportunity to read the actual word of god. i feel enlightened, i think.
and i have this funny urge to bomb a planned parenthood.
I found an “easy english translation” of this psalm
Why are nations planning together?
Why are people having such stupid ideas?
Why are their kings saying,
“We will not obey the LORD”?
Why are their leaders saying,
“We will not do what his Messiah says”?
He that is sitting above the skies will laugh.
The Lord will say that they are stupid.
Then he will say angry words to them.
He will make them very frightened because he is so angry.
He will say, “I myself put my king in Zion.
I put him on my holy mountain”.
I will tell you what God has decided to do.
The LORD said to me, “You are my son.
Today I have given you the *honour that goes with that name.
Ask me for anything! I will give you nations.
The whole world can be yours.
You will rule them with an iron sceptre.
You will break them like a clay pot”.
So now, you kings, be careful.
You world leaders, listen to this:
Become the servants of the LORD.
Remember that he is very powerful.
Kiss his son or God will be angry.
He may be so angry that you will die.
Only the people that come to the LORD are really happy.
He will make them safe.
jagorev: Yes, Virginia, there ARE dragons having sex with cars.
Rachel Ray Jihad: Stool Usage would be a pretty good name for a punk band.
It was the Unitarian Universalists; bunch of fucking intolerant assholes.
grendel: Bull motherfucking shit. That’s all Cynthia McKinney EVER does, and who respects her silly ass?
“Kiss the Son, lest he be angry,
and ye perish from the way,
when his wrath is kindled but a little”
Yup. George Herbert Walker is the culprit.
Psalm 2. Country first.
spencer: That’s nice, but since the spray-painter speaks LOLCat, here’s the authorized translation from the LOLCat Bible, which I think makes his intentions much clearer:
“U iz mah kitteh,” sez Ceiling Cat.
Y does teh heethn getz mad,
and teh peeplz dreem ov themselfz?
Teh bossez ov teh urths akt finicky,
an dey talk 2 each uther,
aginst Ceiling Cat
an his peeps, an sez:
Do not want flea collarz!
An take off da leashez!
Ceiling Cat wil LOL:
he wil eat ther cheezburgr.
Then he wil hiss loud, and growl too.
Ceiling Cat is mad.
But I haz gived my boss
a big scratchpost in Zion.
I wil tell everybodie:
Ceiling Cat saiz, You iz mah kitteh;
today I maked u.
Ask me,
and I wil giev u heethn’z cheezburgr,
and everywherz in the wurld to has.
U wil pwn dem wif a big metl stik
u wil pwn dem in peecez laik a watr bowl.
B smart, bossez
b skuled, judgez ov teh wurld.
Ph33r teh Ceiling Cat,
an b happy wif shakin.
Kiss teh Kitteh,
or he getz mad and pwnz u,
evn when he iz just a little mad.
Iz gud for everybody 2 trust kitteh.
spencer: Hmmm I smell a potential hit song there!!
But the imagery doesn’t work for Prince or the symbol. I think the 80’s hair band Stryper could pull it off, though I find their ‘reborn’ photo a wee bit disturbing.
Isn’t Keillor like 6′4″?
But where was Bill Ayers and time traveling 8 year old Barack Obama?
4tehlulz: I was going to blame the Amish. You can’t walk the streets of LeSuer at night anymore without risking a buggy whip beating. This was the next logical step
Does anybody know the whereabouts of one JESSE VENTURA?
I thought not.
azw88: Gack! That pic makes them look like a death metal outfit. Not a good idea, guys.
Frankly, the fact y’all aren’t looking closer for some sort of Godless alien cabal is beyond me. This is the stuff of “end times” and/or rockin’ good conspiracy theories.
And yet, no one has thought to mention the Masons, gray aliens, lizard men from beyond the stars, “The New World Order”, Revelations or Ron Paul.
What the hell is the point of the internets if no one is willing to indulge in wild speculation.
p.s. Ken, next time, post pictures so we can “find” things in them.
(Good lord, I have to tell everyone how to do their job.)
At first I thought they meant someone spray-painted the entire seven verses - I was all “whose garage is that big??”
Reminds me of the time an old Lady moved into our apartment complex in San Bernardino and kept parking in my sister’s designated space. After my sister’s warnings fell on deaf ears, she keyed the hood of the neighbor’s car with the sentence “Bitch, I said move your car!” We all thought she was crazy, not because she did it, but because she bothered to scratch in a comma.
Bachmann, Tinklenberg, Franken and Prince.
Clearly, Wonkette needs to open a Lake Woebegone Bureau.
Not to defend the always delightful Star Tribune commenters (if you think they’re angry nuts here, look at their sports section,) but when the story first appeared online it only mentioned Norm Coleman’s house, not the other five. So that’s why they think it was all done by Anarchist Jew Muslin Al Franken for like 20 pages.
forgracie: Does this reflect some elite East Coast concept of what a step stool is used for? Garrison Keillor is tall enough to do graffiti without a stepstool. Now, Minnesota farmers are sometimes accused of using a MILKING stool to fornicate with their dairy cows. Maybe Easterners would need something taller. But I digress.
Where was Jesse Ventura? Just wondering….
All politicians are godless heathens (as opposed to the much loved religious heathens), and Joe the Plumber is their anti-christ! How else can you explain that in just 24 hours every man, woman, and child on earth suddenly became aware of Samuel the Joe. Even his title of “Joe the Plumber”, is a fake name or mark, a sure sign of the beast. Psalm 42 warned of the rise of the plunger, the prophesy has come true!
Seriously, Psalm 2 is a big Dominionist psalm.
Minnesotan hoodlums are amateurs. Check out the haps in Frisco, Texas: http://tinyurl.com/56th8c
jagorev: genius. U ze LOLCats Mezziah!
*sigh* how do i luv thouest wonketters…
seriously guys/gals/lolcats mezziah(s): thanks so much for keepin’ the spirits up - you betcha!
jagorev: On ur thread, luvin ur post
have stoop, rapture ready
shortsshortsshorts: Wisconsin Synod Lutherans…
Happy to help, shorts.
The Psalms qouted remind me of lyrics to a shitty Zepplin song or something Tolkien wrote after knocking back claret while having masturbatory fantasies about an encounter in the woods with Tom Bombadil. Then again I’m stoned so …
I love this state. Gets kind of cold though.
forgracie: Yes! But I had already used Prince, and there are no other people in Minnesota. So it’s a double-extra reverse-context joke if you know the relative heights of the people referenced.
Neon Trotsky: Hahahahahahah. Christians! Whadaya gonna do, heh? Oh how I love this whole Christianity thing.
Ken Layne: Yes, when I heard the step stool bit, I started thinking: What was Yao Ming doing in the Twin Cities, and why does he hate midwestern congresspersons?
AnglRdr: Spaghetti sauce vandalism–they take the red state stuff seriously in Texas.
jagorev: Perfecto. You must have a LOLcatz translator chip.
hockeymom: Oh, I can only dream.
@laura’:
If there’s a rustle in your box-hedge,
Don’t be alarmed now
It’s just a footstool for the mis-cre-ant
Yes, there’s two parties and they’re both wrong
but in the short run
There’s still time to spread the paint around
Oooh, and it makes me blunder
You’re just a plumber drinkin’ Keystone
-You’ve done a case now-
The Krylon’s calling you to join it
Hey Joey, can’t you hear the paint hiss
And see the words flow
Your footstool lies against the carport
“Also, there are 275 crazy comments on the Star Tribune article…”
Dude, the comments are fucking amazing. Strib had to disable commenting on virtually all the stories involving crime because people would jump to conclusions and decide that every black person in the city should be rounded up and lynched, etc.
Strib doesn’t always post the races of the victims and perpetrators, because most of the time it doesn’t matter, but people love to jump on it. This summer there was a story about a man being beaten up by 6 guys at an amusement park after he defended his daughter from the advances of one. People would be commenting about it in the weather report comments, calling it a hate crime. Turns out, everyone in the story was black! Ooops!
I feel bad for every journalist who writes for a publication that has commenting enabled, because it must be so depressing to see how you are being paid shit to write for fucking retards.
forgracie: Yeah, Keillor’s like some kinda Yeti. I’m a big, strapping, six-foot-tall Swedish dude, and having met Keillor on a number of occasions, I can tell you that even big, strapping, six-foot-tall midwestern Swedish dudes have to look up when they talk to Garrison Keillor. He doesn’t need to stand on a stepstool to get anything done.
It’s gotta be Prince what done the deed. He’s tiny enough for the job.
… either that, or Jon Stewart.
A Paultard, for sure.
PZ Myers going undercover to smear the godly?
The lord giveth, and the lord taketh a spray
Ken Layne: Michael Feldman.