Wonkette
Here’s a fun “treasure” map for everyone who wishes to know where the real Bitters in this country dwell: take any wide East Coast state — North Carolina, Virginia, Maryland, Pennsylvania, New York — start at the ocean, move directly west through the beaches and the cornfields, then the cities and centers of commerce, the suburbs, the exurbs, more fields, and after a few hours you’ll reach some foothills, and it is there, in any of these states, that you’ll find places like Cullowhee, North Carolina, where dead bloody grizzly black bears [oh now we get it! -- Ed.] are left on college campuses and covered in Obama signs for no reason at all beyond meth, moonshine, racism, inbreeding, and a complete break with the unwritten rules of basic decency that supposedly govern a civilized society.
Cullowhee is immediately southeast of Great Smoky Mountain National Park, where there are bears EVERYWHERE, and so a couple of mouth-breathers found one and killed it and decided, “Right quick let’s done put this bear on the fancy schoolgrounds with some dem signs of the teevee Mooslim all atop it like, haw haw haw.”
CULLOWHEE – An Arden businessman is offering a reward today for information leading to an arrest in the case of a dead bear covered in Barack Obama campaign posters that was dumped at the entrance to Western Carolina University.
Well mister “Arden businessman,” obviously Sarah Palin and her child “Piper” did this, so we’ll take that reward money right quick, thx.
Dead bear covered with Obama signs left at WCU [Asheville Citizen-Times]
Hank Paulson will try anything these days.
Just look for the helicopters with rifles sticking out…
Why do these ursine troublemakers hate America so?
It wouldn’t fit in their mailbox.
This is horrible and disgusting.
Well clearly the bear was a terrorist. Why else would it associate with Barack Obama?
It is sad that they’re trying to make the bear’s family pay for the rape kit.
You know, we originally wanted these guys to help us win the election. But, uh…
Jeez, I don’t know how to put this, guys.
Killing a bear and stapling Obama posters to it is NOT the change we believe in.
Have authorities considered the possibility the bear willingly put those Obama signs on and Bible Spice shot it to death from the roof of the Straight Talk Express?
Is Obama represented by the bear? Could they not find a monkey?
I blame gay body fascism.
After pondering this for hours before the hungover Wonkette staff could get to this, I for some reason I choose to view this as absurdist art rather than political commentary.
It actually almost makes more sense that way.
I thought Sara Palin only killed moose (mooses?). So why would she take out that poor bear — O.K., the bear was an Obama supporter, but c’mon, this political contest doesn’t have to degenerate into shootings.
THREAT DOWN!
I can’t BEAR to watch. This racist effigy-lynching is our nation’s unBEARable past come back to haunt us. And in a BEAR market, no less. After BEAR Stearns went under. I need some BAYER to relieve this throbbing headache. Make it all go away, BEARy Obama, banish Sarah BEARaccuda, BEARogant Senator McCain to the BEARows where they belong. I can BEARly breathe anymore.
I think what people are missing is that real Americans are angry. Angry at the liberal colored bears that are so very clearly in the tank for Obama. This is a christian, polar bear nation!
BillyClubb: miice
magic titty: Jeebus H., I saw this story on Yahoo this AM, read it out loud, because I couldn’t believe it, then, when my co-workers responded and asked “why a bear”?, I said, “cuz they couldn’t find a monkey”. I was ashamed…The whole thing is twisted and sick.
John McClain:
i LOL’d
Gay body fascism AND absurdist art, yes. Way better, otherwise i’d be frightened of the people WHO FUCKING LIVE IN THIS COUNTRY! Where’s Stalin when you need him?
What are these kooks going to do if Barry actually pulls this off? Are we going to see Rodney King-like rioting in Appalachia? Personally I think it would be nice if they all congregated in one state (FL, PA, OH, WV) & they could secede with Bible Spice & her AIP cronies.
John McClain: You are a genius.
i guess that’s one terrorist loving bear that won’t be shitting in the woods.
This is deeply sick, but it wasn’t a grizzly bear, it was a black bear cub.
seriously though, what the fuck.
I thought grizzlies only lived in Alaska and them northern Canadastania places?
It was also a cub *sob!*
Blood sacrifice is the only way to rouse Yahweh to strike down Allah and his anti-American minions. Don’t you people read your Bibles?
Black bear, not a grizzly. Not many grizzlies in NC, none if you exclude the zoos. Some one killed a black bear and put Obama signs on it.
magic titty:
I don’t think we can use “monkey” and “Obama” in the same sentence unless you’re a writer for Chocolate News.
http://www.comedycentral.com/shows/chocolate_news/index.jhtml
This is Stephen Colbert’s fault.
Well, it IS bear season. I could see getting all worked up if it were duck season or wabbit season. The problem with bear hunting is, when you shoot a 75-pound cub, you can’t throw it back like you could an undersized trout. So, waste not, want not, et voila. A Dadaist art installation, protesting man’s inhumanity to bear.
“Great Smoky Mountain National Park”, i.e., Mathapalachia.
WONKETTE, it was not a GRIZZLY BEAR — you don’t find grizzly bears in North Carolina. It was a BLACK BEAR! Why do you refuse to let race enter the equation? Why are you in the tank for the racist terrorist black muslims?
are we sure this wasn’t just one of those furries that have been hanging around McCain rallies?
It’s clearly just an overzealous Simpson’s fan making some sort of meta point about John McCain’s stance on immigration.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Much_Apu_About_Nothing
Stephen Colbert is obviously the #1 suspect.
Texan Bulldoggette: My thoughts exactly as far as what the hell is next? You know the douchebag(s)that did this actually laughed as they set it out. I hate them and wish bodily harm to them. (by a bear)
Barry is so popular that apparently woodland creatures are endorsing him.
In all seriousness, though, this is appalling.
Harvey Birdman: Ha ha, I love it!
Don’t mess with our hillbillies from western North Carolina. These are the people that thought Eric Rudolf was great guy. Trust me, there’s nothing for them to do all day but think up twisted shit to do with their rifles and the local fauna.
tunamelt: Bears…they’re godless killing machines!
That’ll teach that bear to steal Cindy McCain’s pic-i-nic basket-o-pharma-goodies.
John McClain: Too. many. puns. labored breaths gasp
Wait, being from San Francisco I’m confused about what they mean by bear.
TJBeck: Exactly. My first thought was: Does this means BEARS are no longer our nation’s greatest threat? What will the Bitters make an obscene horror out of next? Tek Jansen??
BTW isn’t McCain’s hero the man who famously refused to shoot a bear?
In my heart-of-hearts, I know these cocksuckers aren’t ‘real Americans’, or at least I hope they’re not.
TwistedMister: Bwah!
Western Cerolina U is the home of the Catamounts, which I assume means they’re all furries.
Sorry Western North Carolina, but you must be annihilated now, you idiots.
…those dummies in N.Carolina don’t realize that the proper way to sacrifice an animal to Barry is by burning it on a altar purified with unicorn tears!
Someone show me on a map where West Carolina is.
We must fight the bearrorists here so we don’t have to fight them over there.
A black bear? For Obama? Oh, I get it!
Well, in the name of equality I just killed a polar bear and helpfully labelled it Sarah Palin CUZ SHE’S WHITE. Then I killed a panda bear and labelled it “McCain Family Reunion” CUZ IT’S HALF BLACK AND HALF WHITE. Then I killed a player from the Chicago Bears and labelled it “William Ayers” CUZ HE’S FROM CHICAGO. Then I killed a gummy bear, and labelled it John McCain BECAUSE HE’S OLD AND HAS DENTURES. Then I killed a Berenstein bear, and labelled it “Joe Lieberman” CUZ HE’S JEWISH.
Actually, Cullowhee is in the Eastern Cherokee Nation. I think this has something to do with their trying to throw the Black bears off the tribal rolls.
Please keep us posted on the outcome of this investigation, and let’s pray to the Bear Gods that the perpetrators are found and appropriately punished.
My question is, if I have to explain this to my 7 year old daughter (I’m not going to bring it up but she still might hear about it), what do I say? I really wasn’t planning on explaining what cousin-fucking asshole dickwads were until she was at least 12…..
A bear cub? I can’t really get my mind around this one.
Bear cub? Man cub? Rudyard Kipling is in the tank.
Ska Boss: If this was a misguided pro-Obama supporter, I have to admit it’s a more effective and less offensive statement than the creepy Obama Getting Gay with Kids choir.
Cape Clod: It’s not so much a matter of where West Carolina is, but when.
Okay, so my Wife’s gramma Mimi is 80+ years old and from West Virginia. She still calls black people “coloreds.” She is voting for Obama because he seems like such a nice man, and she finds McCain mean.
In addition to trying to brighten up your day after reading such a horrific story, my point is that not everyone from Appalachia is a fucking insane bear killer. I wager that insane bear killers are in the minority, even in Appalachia.
I have been to Appalachia, and it is not a BEARy friendly place. Poor lil’ cub never stood a chance.
BillyClubb: Meese?
The cavalcade of anti-IRA sentiment in Britain only really occurred after a bomb maimed a number of horses during a parade in the early 70s. We English are pretty cold about people, but if you hurt an animal, watch out.
mattbolt: Win!
shortsshortsshorts: Western NC is only half bad, actually — it’s one of those weird areas of the country that’s one-half energy healers and rock climbers and one-half inbred hillbillies who have actually replaced “y’all” with the more succinct “you’ns.” So if you got rid of Western NC, you’d get rid of a whole crapload of Obama supporters, too.
Rodney Badger:
It’s a sad commentary on our political discourse when we choose our candidates on the basis of which one seems “nice” and which one seems “mean” and then call it progress but progress it is.
petite brawnley: Western NC is only half bad…”
Correct. Asheville is actually kinda awesome. It’s our Austin TX.
Cape Clod: Silly West Carolina is on that side and East Carolina is on the other.
mattbolt: You have a strong sense of the absurd (and you you must love politics)
John McClain: nice.
Formerly Preferred: Damn immigants….
It’s official: dead bears are yet another demographic hit hard enough by the economic downturn to see past the boundaries of species and current state of life to vote Obama.
please! being shot down by a helicopter and draped in obama signs? there are worse ways to die. like, um…in office?
I’m impressed and a bit frightened by Mr. Newell’s firm grasp of the art of hill-speak.
Oh, no, it’s Osama Bear Laden, Tigger!
You know, Eric Rudolph wasn’t far from Cullowhee when they found him.
Sad thing is, it’s probably more illegal to steal the Obama signs to cover the bear than to shoot it. I’m pretty sure that’s true in Arizona.
Oh, yeah, and I hope someone find this redneck and puts a roll of duct tape and a couple of bottles of honey to good use.
It is is response to senseless attacks such as this that I support the right to arm bears.
mattbolt: John Stewart, is that you?
Thought process (If you could call it that):
1. Osama’s a terrier.
2. Hippies live in Asheville.
3. Hippies are votin’ for a terrier.
4. College kidz are the worst kindz of hippie terriers.
5. Me kill baby barr.
6. Cover barr in Osama signs from hippies’ yards.
7. Leave dead barr on college yard to skeer hippie terriers.
8. Jesus wins.
9. The end.
WTF–This is like something the shitkickers I live among would do.
Will they be asking Sarah P to field dress it and cook bear stew from what’s left?
To make these people happy, perhaps Obama should propose a free-cheetos-and-meth national holiday. Don’t let this particular event bother you too much. It won’t be long until the hill people responsible for this are killed in a hunting accident (or are mauled by a limping, bleeding black bear)
Cullowhee per the 2000 census: 25.2% of families and 41.5% of the population were below the poverty line, including 37.3% of those under age 18 and 9.6% of those age 65 or over. [Proof that the Trickle Down Theory works.]
With these depressing demographics, looks like suicide to me.
I think I speak for a great majority here when I say I hope that some very angry liberal bears should get a posse together and tear down these assholes’ motorhomes, and eat them alive. Ugh, the longer this campaign goes on the more I am swimming in absurd, violent fantasies about various wild life destroying fuckers like these.
This is just sick. These people are reproducing and driving cars, too.
PineyWoodster: +1
When they came for the yard signs,
I remained silent;
I was not a yard sign kind of person.
When they burned and hung Obama effigies,
I remained silent;
I was not a fan of piñatas.
When they shot the black bear cub,
I did not speak out;
I wanted to avenge Timothy Treadwell.
When they came for me,
there was no one left to speak out, because the economic depression had forced everyone to become cannibals, and everyone had fallen victim to Kuru and died.
TJBeck: Meese
This shit creeps me out. Fuckin redneck nazis.
belmonttau: That was scary. It’s almost like you channeled one of them for a second - you didn’t go out and fuck your cousin just now did you?
One of the locals commented:
Conservatives are upset that someone wasted a perfectly good bear.
Liberals are upset that the bear didn’t vote before it was killed.
They do have sense of humor in Western Carolina…
The local Obama supporters would have retaliated, but they can’t find a brontosaur to staple the McCain signs to.
now that’s how REAL americans express themselves
Fly-over Correspondent: Actually, Cullowhee is in Jackson Co. and only part of Jackson is part Eastern Band of Cherokee Indians. Cullowhee is south of the tribal land.
Now we know the answer to “How many rednecks does it take to kill a baby bear?”
“Police have seven suspects in the case of a dead bear covered with two Barack Obama campaign posters.”
Fucking lily-livered creeps. If this is an example of Repuklicon ‘real man’ syndrome - God help their wimmin-folk.
Update on the bear story if anyone is checking this - the university Chancellor says it was a prank gone wrong, with no racist or political overtones. None! Here’s what he said: Upon hearing of the findings of the interviews, Western Carolina University Chancellor John W. Bardo issued the following statement: “I am pleased to hear that this situation appears to be a stupid prank. I am disappointed in the extremely poor judgment demonstrated by these young people. I hope that this intolerable incident can serve as a learning moment for them and for others, one that reminds us that we must respect one another’s opinions and we should not jump to conclusions without first having all the facts.” So hey libtards, don’t jump to conclusions and respect the bear-killer / Obama-haters opinions. The “facts” of this case are pretty rank, too. The local paper, Asheville Citizen-Times, has more.
I’m really disgusted by this website’s constant portrayal of rural people as ignorant and racists. Do you really think that the evil in our society is coming from just the rural areas? Because I think the most ignorant, racist people are not the rural poor but actually the megalomillionaire’s and politician’s who profit off of racism and classism. The people who seed fear so people like you will blame the wrong people for their problems.
You talk about white rural people disliking people of color, but here you are stereotyping entire regions and blaming our nation’s poorest and most disenfranchised for McCain and Bush? Umm, screw you and your horrible attempt at an Appalachian/Southern/standard yokel accent.
It’s a really easy fallacy to fall into, when there aren’t easy answers, to mock the way a person talks, and where they come from and then stereotype them.
You know who’s racism needs to be called out? People in suburbs, people gentrifying neighborhoods and pushing our nation’s poorest onto the street.
So, a couple isolated rural incidents are really easy and fun to mock because you don’t like people who talk different than you. That’s great for you. Not so great for me, since I have a hard time getting a job or getting taken seriously because I have an accent. Why don’t you analyze the class and race issues in your own community? I spend a lot of time thinking about racism and classism in my home region of Appalachia, and I’ve found there’s no easy answers. I’ve also found that people like to blame the people with the least power and influence in our society for society’s problems.
I’m really sorry that this incident happened. But jumping from one tragedy and then calling all people who live in Appalachia inbreeds? That turns my stomach.
Why don’t you attack the people who are winning in the game of race and class?
You are a jerk, a jerk who somehow doesn’t understand that MO, WV, VA, NC and other states full of people that you are dislike because they talk and look different than you are probably going to be the states that get Obama elected.
Whatever.