Our favorite recent McCain campaign talking head, Nancy Poopenheifer, done did it again today on MSNBC while discussing the demographics of Northern Virginia, an area known to John McCain’s brother as “communist country.” Poopenheifer says NoVa has gone bluer in recent years because the Democrats, one day in 2005 or so, decided to move there en masse so as to steal elections. Ergo it doesn’t count as a geographical region anymore — it’s not even on maps — unlike “real Virginia” which is more “Southern in nature.”

Our understanding of how Northern Virginia got so blue is a little bit different: ever since 9/11 the place has been BOOMING in the engineering, tech and telecom industries; there’s plenty of fun new “stuff” that needs a-makin’ for George W. Bush’s various wars — killing weapons, shields — and for spying on everyone who ever makes a phone call. This is all in Northern Virginia, and most of the government’s money goes there. Then fancy kids straight out of college decide, “Let’s move to Northern Virginia to get some of that sweet, sweet Terror money, because we want shitloads of money,” and suddenly a huge wealth gap develops between this new-money terrorbot plutocracy and the lowly serfs. Localized, visible wealth gaps trigger liberal guilt, and liberal guilt triggers voting for Democrats, patting oneself on the back, and then continuing to make weapons of death.

In other words, George W. Bush’s wars and spying turned a Confederate state blue, or as Poopenheifer would have it, “not real.” Hooray for George W. Bush, the president of funding!

Fake Virginia [Ben Smith]

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  1. Oh I get it! New Republican strategy:
    Any state or area of a state that votes for Barry does not, in fact, exist. You can’t beat that. I mean you really can’t beat that.

  2. Hmm. Northern Virginia is verifiably within the border of Virginia and is home to a full 1/3 of all voters in the State. Way to piss off 1/3 of the voters Nancy!

  3. Good Lord, she’s hot. I’d definitely sit down with her and earnestly try and persuade her to go into the tank for Obama. With me, preferably. In the tank vis a vis me or hombre e mujer, whatever furren expression works the best. I bet it’s just a job to her.

    Sorry. What?

  4. Nancy looks as if, like probably everyone else on the McCain team, she is going to need a good hard screw after November 4.

    And I would like to be the first to volunteer.

  5. Wow. Back when I went to Mason, and the Governor Macaca-appointed Board of Visitors (turns out they were hardly visiting, after all) unanimously denied funding for our new LGBT resource center, that sure seemed “real”. I’ve heard Mason has the resource center now, but obviously it’s “fake”.

  6. A good friend of mine got paired up with Joe McCain in a golf foursome this past spring in a charity function at a Virginia Beach country club. During the 18 holes, Joe told several racist jokes making fun of blacks – to a complete stranger (my friend). At least most racist know to only tell racist jokes to other confirmed racists. I guess Joe McCain figured that since my friend was (1) white (2) belonged to a country club, and (3) successful, he must be a Real Virginian.

  7. Also, “Democrats have come in from the District of Columbia” = “blacks have moved here.”

    The GOP is getting pretty blatant with its code-speak these last few weeks.

  8. She thinks she’s experiencing a Life On Mars style delusion, except in reverse. She thinks that when she wakes up, she’ll be safely back in her real 1973 America, where Nixon is the President.

  9. But we can’t throw Poopiehuffer under the bus. McCain has already thrown a half dozen female spokeswomen under the bus. The only women left who McCain could possibly get to be a spokeswomen for him is Hillary Clinton at this point.

  10. [re=140548]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: I should note, I don’t think Hillary would take the job. But throw a nice dress at Bill, and he might.

  11. That’s odd, because the last time I heard the state senate demanding the resources to prop up the cesspool that is Richmond, Northern Virginia’s tax revenues were VERY REAL.

  12. I originally read that as “A McCain spokesperson class herself a fake Vagina” and though, yeah, that’s probably true. Couldn’t buy into the Republican platform any other way.

  13. Wait, “real Virginians”? This sounds familiar:

    “Sue Dickson, was a teacher in the Arlington schools and spoke out publicly in support of the Moncure bill. She argued that teachers were too intimidated to take a stand for segregation and that the PTAs had become “political parties” for promoting integration. Both Rathbone and Dickson, as well as other speakers, contended that Arlington was no longer controlled by “real Virginians.” (Washington Post, February 10, 1956)


    Ah, yes. Those real Virginians.

  14. Too bad Nancy hasn’t left fake Virginia long enough to find out that my white socialist atheist real-Virginian self is voting for Obama, as are most of my neighbors. Yeah, the capital of the former CSA isn’t real Virginia either.

  15. It was nice of the reporterman to let her “climb back off that ledge.” I would have given her a big ole shove to ground many stories below. Cuz she admits – she lives with them eleeets in the fake Virginia.

  16. Do people with really tragic surnames ever consider not going into politics? I’m not saying they should but…Poopingheffer, poopyheffer…it’s just too easy.

  17. The first and best Republican carved West Virginia out of the Great Dominion, don’t forget. He did that to create a buffer of scalawag union supporters just across the river. Eventually they’ll have it carved up the way they like it, but it’ll only be the size of Richmond then.

  18. [re=140540]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]:

    So if we are to believe Nancy, all of those Telcom jobs in Northern Virginia were taken by black former inner-city DC residents. This is going to be one hell of a surprise to the census people.

    I am still trying to figure out her explanation for what qualifies for “real” Virginian. Apparently it not residency, but an adherence to some definition of “Southern”. Does anyone have the code book? She lost me.

  19. The War of Northern Aggression set the darkies free to settle in Arlington and Alexandria and Tyson’s Corner, where they raped all the white women and established ghettos that have been registered by ACORN to vote for communist terriers, you betcha.

  20. [re=140522]TGY[/re]: McCain senior adviser Pfotenhauer bears a strong resemblance to a certain presidential candidate’s Oxy-craving little lady. Chance or mere coincidence? America wants to know.

  21. [re=140522]TGY[/re]: SRSLY? I guess, if you go for anorexic bottle blondes with bad nose jobs. She just looks like all those emaciated, leather-skinned, fake-boobed trophy wives I see at the grocery store in north Atlanta. Do Not Want.

  22. God damn, I cant wait until Nov 5 so I don’t have to see Gooseneck Nancy and Pig-nostril Rick Davis. On Nov 5, goodbye, good riddens, and choke on some dick.

  23. Wait, is Oakton even in the “Real Northern Virginia”? I don’t know…I don’t trust anybody who lives outside the beltway…

  24. Like Nancy I live in an alternate reality of my own creation. In my world Giselle Bundchen is my girlfriend and Nancy Poopenheifer sells handjobs behind the BP station for $2.50 each.

  25. Ah, to be back in the Old Dominion, barreling across Key Bridge with a trunk full of Dixie Liquor Black Label, chunking empties out the window on Chain Bridge Road. I miss living in a state where high schools are named after Confederate generals and you can’t spit without hitting a Civil War marker. Where most teen-agers didn’t have acne, they had heat rash. Where you wore your blue jeans even on the hottest summer days because Yankees and queers wore shorts. Where you’d park at the Frozen Dairy Bar on a Friday night or head over to Giffords for sit-down ice cream. She talkin’ about that Vuhginyah?

  26. You know, I read “Northern Virginia,” and my mind immediately goes to one thing that Faulkner wrote that I can read:

    “For every Southern boy fourteen years old, not once but whenever he wants it, there is the instant when it’s still not yet two oclock on the July afternoon in 1863, the brigades are in position behind the rail fence, the guns are laid and ready in the woods and the furled flags are already loosened to break out and Pickett himself with his long oiled ringlets and his hat in one hand probably and his sword in the other looking up the hill waiting for Longstreet to give the word and it’s all in the balance, it hasn’t happened yet….”


    We’re about to elect a Nigra President of the Republic.

    The Sainted Robert E. is Spinning In His Grave. SPINNING, I tell you!

    (So I say we hook the old bigot up to a generator, and DO SOMETHING FOR ENERGY INDEPENDENCE!)

  27. This is like, three days in a row she’s done this.
    Will they now disappear her like Carly Fiorina? For that one, it was like when Elijah Muhammad silenced Malcolm X for 90 days. Haven’t heard from Fiorina since.

  28. Ugh. I hate this bitch. She suffers from Michele Bachmann Syndrome, in the sense that she always seems to talk shit through a maniacal smile. She needs a good dick slapping.

  29. Also, I find it funny that George “Macacawitz” Allen was supposedly the quintessential “Real Virginian” considering he was born in California to a mother who was a French Jewish immigrant (from whom he learned the French language and fun words like “macaca”) but we Northern Virginians who were born and raised here are “Fake Virginians” cause we vote for teh libruls…

  30. So here’s my suggestion. How about Virginia cede Fairfax, Loudoun. Arlington and all of the independent cities therein to West Virginia, extending the panhandle down to DC. West Virgina will accept a few more Democrats, no problem, and Virginia will be free and clear of those fake Virginians.

  31. Oh, and while we’re on Joe McCain stories…

    I was getting take-out at the Five Guys in Old Town a few years back when I recognized Joey Joe Joe at the counter (I had met him a couple times during the 2000 primaries). For nearly five minutes he was trying to impress the the guy at the register by spelling words on his calculator, including 01134 and the always crowd-pleasing 59009 (for translation, invert your monitor).

  32. [re=140739]blinky_twinkie[/re]: More of a Hemingway man, myself. But the imagery in that passage is pretty good.

    There is a bit in Bruce Catton’s three volume history of the Civil War to the effect that Lee ordered the Pickett/Pettigrew assault because he was convinced that the Army of Northern Virginia, if directed to take a position, could not be stopped by any force on Earth.

    Nice theory, anyway . . . .

  33. Does Oliver North, the realest American that ever was, still live in McLean?

    Ah, I remember 1994, when Republicans were Republicans, and Senator John Warner and Nancy Reagan gave Ollie the finger, and he lost his very expensive race for Senate, in *all* of Virginia, real and unreal. Good times.

    [re=140558]Mista Eko[/re]: too true

  34. By “real”, she means the part of Virginia where people presumably have happy lives, filled with good friends and loving family, and where they don’t spend every morning and every evening retching the contents of their stomach into the toilet bowl, because their Daddy never loved them as much as her brothers. But she will get ahead. She will show them that real power isn’t exercised on the football field. One day soon she will not merely sit atop her imaginary throne in her fantasy world. In the place of a Dark Lord you would have a Queen! Not dark, but beautiful and terrible as the Morn! Treacherous as the Seas! Stronger than the foundations of the Earth! All shall love me and despair!

  35. [re=140590]expatinOz[/re]: EXACTLY…

    “I’m not talking about the Virginia where I live…I’m talking about the redneck, shitkicker Virginians.” Why would any self respecting southern Virginia voter respond positively to this horseshit?

    Furthermore, fuck you madam. I’m your neighbor up here in NOVA…I run a business with 25 employees, half of whom are immigrants who work harder than anyone I know. These folks work 2-3 jobs to give their kids a better life than they had and you are so oblivious that you don’t even realize that they exist as a voting bloc. You know who does recognize that these hard working folks are here? I’ll give you a hint. Do the words “Si, se puede” mean anything to you?

    I would say that ignoring the HUGE FUCKING DEMOGRAPHIC THAT MANS YOUR SERVICE/RETAIL INDUSTRY is kind of…what’s the word I’m looking for…


  36. Can’t get more real than my lovely Lynchburg, VA. But guess what Dr. Poopenheifer-Smarty Pants? WE ARE GOING BLUE THIS YEAR! oh yeah…Pres. Hopey, Sen MARK Warner..

  37. Oh, wait, I’m not done yet….

    Riddle me this, Ms. Poopenpoop.

    You know how, over the last decade or so, lots of the folks who take your money at the gas station, or sell you floor tile at the home improvement store, or itch cream at the CVS, or vacuum cleaners at the mall….

    You know how more and more those folks are named Mustaq, or Ahmed, or Bilal, or Yogini…where they used to be named Dave or Steve or Veronica?

    How do you think it plays with these middle class, hard working Americans when your side tacitly approves the “Obama is a Muslim” nonsense?

    And you know what’s really going to fuck you? There are lots of shitkicking rednecks like me who understand this dynamic perfectly and sympathise with the little guy…whether he’s a Muslim, Christian, Zoroastrian, or whatever.

    Sorry for the lack of snark, folks. This close to the election, my trigger has gotten a little hairy.

  38. I lived in Rosslyn for a year. It didn’t feel anything like DC. Didn’t feel anything like Virginia, either. Except all these people trying to get me to vote for a guy named Webb. WTF? Why can’t I vote for that Fenty guy? Whatta fucked up place.

    That tee vee lady needs a square meal. Meet me at the Orleans House next to the Rosslyn Metro for a nice prime rib, ‘kay?

  39. [re=140624]Lazy Media[/re]: Yes, well, at my age (45) my standard of beauty is broader. It’s one of the few things that’s good about aging: there appear to be more beautiful women in the world as one gets older. Who knows? I might have a thing for bad nose jobs or whatever.

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