PARTY POOPERS  1:49 pm October 20, 2008

John McCain Avoids Fun Family Slave Parties On Family Slave Plantation

by Jim Newell

Who could refuse this kinda fun?John McCain’s family owned at least nine million slaves, from Africa, back in the “good old days,” before Nancy Pelosi and the Liberals waged an unjust war on the Deep South and made everyone pay black people for work. (And people wonder why Congressional approval ratings are so low!) But the McCain clan still owns the Mississippi plantation land of its forefathers, and every year the surviving McCains — white descendants and black bastard children alike — meet for an enormous family reunion ON THE PLANTATION (wtf!!) and get wasted and tell each other hilarious stories about, what, that old cotton gin that kept breaking down just at the height of picking season. Ha ha ha! And for some reason, John McCain refuses to show up for these shindigs every year and now all of his cousins hate him.

Everyone on Earth loves to party on old slave plantations with black and white distant relatives except John McCain. Why? Country First. Also: it would be pretty awkward to show up at a PLANTATION SLAVE REUNION considering the fact that he denies his family ever owned slaves, even though his great-grandfather owned a PLANTATION’S WORTH. These are recorded facts, in Historical Documents. So:

In the rural Teoc community of Carroll County, Miss., where the ancestors of Sen. John McCain owned enslaved Africans on a plantation, black, white and mixed-race family members unite every two years for their Coming Home Reunion, on the land where the plantation operated.

Some of McCain’s black family members say they are not sure exactly where they fall on the family tree, but they do know this: They are either descendants of the McCain family slaves, or of children the McCains fathered with their slaves.

White and black members of the McCain family have met on the plantation several times over the last 15 years, but one invited guest has been conspicuously absent: Sen. John Sidney McCain.

“Why he hasn’t come is anybody’s guess,” said Charles McCain Jr., 60, a distant cousin of John McCain who is black. “I think the best I can come up with, is that he doesn’t have time, or he has just distanced himself, or it doesn’t mean that much to him.”

Why is John McCain racist against his white relatives?

Here’s a fun video too, from that plutocratic finance pamphlet, the Wall Street Journal. The narrator is insane!:

Some Of McCain’s Black Relatives Support Obama [South Florida Times]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 64 comments }

DarkSynergy October 20, 2008 at 1:51 pm

This story is priceless.

magic titty October 20, 2008 at 1:53 pm

I’d like to thank Jim Newell for just being alive, in general.

BobLoblawLawBlog October 20, 2008 at 1:54 pm

So he really did father a black child?

grendel October 20, 2008 at 1:55 pm

They should just be glad he didn’t fly himself down there.

NoWireHangers October 20, 2008 at 1:56 pm

So WALNUTS! hates black people enough to vote against MLK Day, but not enough to drink still whiskey on the family plantation. What a dirty flip-flopper.

magic titty October 20, 2008 at 1:56 pm

This further advances McCain’s claim that he is an integrationist.

So ha ha slavery, looks like the last laugh is on you!

kudzu October 20, 2008 at 1:56 pm

So, it is plausible that WALNUTS! is indeed the father of a mulatto child, isn’t it? Is it possible that I may owe Lee Atwater an apology? Jeez!

Kwame' October 20, 2008 at 1:56 pm

I love how that hideous shirt is nearly identical to the hideous flag tie. Taste knows no color, but that level of bad taste must be genetic. They really are related.

spencer October 20, 2008 at 1:57 pm

There are black John McCains? My mind is officially blown.

mattbolt October 20, 2008 at 1:58 pm

I thought High School reunions were awkward, let alone fucking Slave/Master reunions. Hey, maybe they could have a funny reverse reunion, where the white people have to wear black face and serve sweet iced tea to their distant black relatives! All sorts of party game possibilities, when you’re reuniting one group of people with another group of people that used to defy all standards of decency by owning them and forcing them into manual labour!

JamesMichaelCurley October 20, 2008 at 1:58 pm

This is why John McCain is so upset about Colin Powell. He feels like he sold an old table only to find it was a priceless antique.

Norbert October 20, 2008 at 1:59 pm

as a white blues guitarist, I’d just like to say that I understand John McCain’s fear of reverse racism.

mattbolt October 20, 2008 at 2:00 pm

I like the woman on the left, with the tasteful zebra-hide number and the classic Carlton-from-Fresh-Prince flattop

Anonymous Office Zombie October 20, 2008 at 2:00 pm

[re=139973]grendel[/re]:
Ha! McCain – puting the crash in party crasher.

ManchuCandidate October 20, 2008 at 2:00 pm

It seems that McCain family was the basis of the Rolling Stone Song, “Brown Sugar.”

lazynamepicker October 20, 2008 at 2:00 pm

Look! They all have the Walnuts cheeks!

NoWireHangers October 20, 2008 at 2:01 pm

[re=139980]spencer[/re]: I believe the term is “Jamal McCains”

nurple October 20, 2008 at 2:01 pm

Rudy DOES show up for these shindigs, in a hoop skirt and broad bonnet. Fiddle-Dee-Dee!

TGY October 20, 2008 at 2:01 pm

Cotton really does make horrible gin.

user-of-owls October 20, 2008 at 2:03 pm

Generations of poor black folk tainted with McCain genes. And they say there isn’t a persuasive argument in favor of reparatations?

NoWireHangers October 20, 2008 at 2:03 pm

And apparently WALNUT! cheeks run in the family. Of course, WALNUTS! have grown due to teh cancer, but there seems to be a true genetic precondition for juicy WALNUT! cheeks.

Terry October 20, 2008 at 2:03 pm

I bet John McCain, the one running for President, would have been in LNS when he was younger.

freakishlystrong October 20, 2008 at 2:03 pm

“Some Of McCain’s Black Relatives Support Obama”, that headline is a true blue WRF moment if there ever was one.

Gnaeus October 20, 2008 at 2:03 pm

Jesus. This is… damn.

magic titty October 20, 2008 at 2:04 pm

[re=139984]Norbert[/re]: Are you still here, shitbird?

stew October 20, 2008 at 2:04 pm

Not to change the subject, but Palin won’t release her medical records. Now why would a seemingly healthy, fairly young woman hold this back? Could it have anything to do with a FAKED PREGNANCY? Just askin’.

NoWireHangers October 20, 2008 at 2:04 pm

[re=139982]mattbolt[/re]: After a fried chicken dinner, they all sit around and laugh and throw around the bullwhip.

mattbolt October 20, 2008 at 2:05 pm

Quick, I need a caterer who can provide one table spread out with a tasteful arrangement of exotic cheeses, vegetable platters, and hors d’oeuvres, and another table arranged with a watermelon, cut in half and scooped out to make a bowl, which in turn is full of fried chicken.

CisnerosLovechild October 20, 2008 at 2:06 pm

to be fair , McCain was only 8 years old when slavery happened

magic titty October 20, 2008 at 2:07 pm

Republicans always speak fondly of their avowed ‘ownership society’, do they not?

TGY October 20, 2008 at 2:07 pm

[re=140002]stew[/re]: Breast augmentation. Just sayin’.

superfecta October 20, 2008 at 2:07 pm

While running for the Republican Party nomination in 2000, he sided with protesters who were calling for the rebel battle flag to be removed from the South Carolina statehouse, only to alter that position later.

“Some view it as a symbol of slavery. Others view it as a symbol of heritage,” John McCain said of the flag. “Personally, I see the battle flag as a symbol of heritage. I have ancestors who have fought for the Confederacy, none of whom owned slaves. I believe they fought honorably.”

Dude – really? Are Republicans always entirely unaware of the historical record? This isn’t hard!

gjdodger October 20, 2008 at 2:08 pm

I kind of wondered what Obama was going to talk about in that half hour teevee show. I hear he’s going to buy a 24 hour bloc of time in Mississippi and Alabama, too.

mattbolt October 20, 2008 at 2:11 pm

Every geneologist in the nation is currently working hard, digging through historical records, to find out if any of White John McCain’s ancestors owned any of Obama’s ancestors. I mean, shit, geneology’s gotta be good for something.

If nothing else, it would make for a good cocktail party story for Barry. “McCain was whipped into shape by his family’s long history of military men. They also whipped MY ancestors OUT of shape!”

bitchincamaro October 20, 2008 at 2:14 pm

Newell’s not playing the race card, he’s playing the whole damn deck!

spencer October 20, 2008 at 2:14 pm

“Personally, I see the battle flag as a symbol of heritage. I have ancestors who have fought for the Confederacy, none of whom owned slaves. I believe they fought honorably.”

Since McCain is lying about their owning slaves, we can assume that he is also lying about their having fought honorably. They probably ran around pulling hair and punching Yankees in the balls.

SayItWithWookies October 20, 2008 at 2:18 pm

This is slander — John McCain is not against master-slave reunions. In fact, the reason he can’t attend this one is that he’s at his femdom’s master-slave reunion in Alexandria.

magic titty October 20, 2008 at 2:19 pm

[re=140002]stew[/re]: Her time spent in a psychiatric hospital?

el_chupacabra October 20, 2008 at 2:21 pm

who gave birth to him? some guy? what?

graceless October 20, 2008 at 2:23 pm

I wonder if Doug Blackman got this narrating gig just because of his name…

cricket feldstein October 20, 2008 at 2:25 pm

Hmmm…Palin lobotomy? Implantation with Rethuglican microchip?

magic titty October 20, 2008 at 2:26 pm

I have a pearl necklace joke I’d like to put to that Michelle Backman story, but because my computer at work has Flash Player blocked, I can’t post it.
Anyway, that was not the only pearl necklace she wore that night, or whatever.

user-of-owls October 20, 2008 at 2:29 pm

[re=139995]user-of-owls[/re]: um, ‘reparations’ you dipthong.

Botswana Meat Commission FC October 20, 2008 at 2:31 pm

Walnuts ain’t gonna be there when the black McCains finally get their act together and murder all the White McCains in their beds!

Norbert October 20, 2008 at 2:33 pm

[re=140001]magic titty[/re]: [re=140001]magic titty[/re]: why so much love, MT?

shoeho October 20, 2008 at 2:36 pm

[re=139991]nurple[/re]: LOL, I was going to say they didn’t show because a hoop skirt makes Cindy look like she might have had something to eat in the last 20 years.

picardia October 20, 2008 at 2:39 pm

[re=140023]mattbolt[/re]: I don’t see how McCain’s ancestors could’ve owned Obama’s ancestors, as Obama’s black ancestors remained in Kenya until his father arrived about 100 years after slavery was abolished. Or are you alleging white slavery by the McCain clan? Well, that would be a new twist.

user-of-owls October 20, 2008 at 2:49 pm

[re=140103]picardia[/re]: Haven’t you heard about the Sons of the Corn-federacy in Iowa?

bago October 20, 2008 at 3:05 pm

So THIS is why he can’t find Real Americans to pick his lettuce crops for 50$ an hour.

wx insider October 20, 2008 at 3:20 pm

I wish I owned a slave. How come he has
a slave and I don’t? :0(

bitchincamaro October 20, 2008 at 3:23 pm

[re=140056]graceless[/re]: I was hoping it was Onyx Blackmon from Strangers With Candy.

Worlds End October 20, 2008 at 3:38 pm

So McCain is secretly black, I knew it.

Kwame' October 20, 2008 at 3:52 pm

[re=139990]NoWireHangers[/re]: Or “McChains”

AnnieGetYourFun October 20, 2008 at 4:28 pm

[re=139982]mattbolt[/re]: OMG, seriously. How odd would it be to attend something like that.

White guy: Um, hey.
Black dude: Hey.
White guy: So… you been to one of these before?
Black dude: Yup. Every year.
White guy: It’s my first time… so, are we related, then? I don’t see much of a resemblance.

Outstando October 20, 2008 at 4:34 pm

Turns out Joe the Freeman wasn’t a Freeman at all. He wasn’t even close to being able to buy his freedom, and he didn’t even have a license to be free.

il gattopardo October 20, 2008 at 4:36 pm

………….wait a minute- that pic???? The person in the leopard skin with the flat-top is a woman??????

denver_80203 October 20, 2008 at 5:40 pm

“BobLoblawLawBlog: So he really did father a black child?”

No, he had someone else do that for him

TexasCowGirl October 20, 2008 at 5:43 pm

WALNUTS! just doesn’t want people to find out he’s passing. He didn’t father a black baby out of wedlock, he is an out of wedlock black baby. Either that or he also doesn’t want them to ask him for reperations. He doesn’t have it because all of the money belongs to Cindi.

Semi-Literate October 20, 2008 at 5:51 pm

[re=140167]bago[/re]: Beautiful. It all makes sense now.

Street Organizer October 20, 2008 at 6:29 pm

But why did Walnuts only get the melanin in his teeth?

Gliblord October 20, 2008 at 9:00 pm

McCain is too busy writing each of them desperate pleas for money to attend the dinner.

Gliblord October 20, 2008 at 9:01 pm

McCain is too busy writing each of them desperate pleas for money to attend.

foog October 20, 2008 at 11:45 pm

“Why he hasn’t come is anybody’s guess,” said Charles McCain Jr., 60, a distant cousin of John McCain who is black.

What kind of shoddy reporting is this? I happen to know that John McCain is NOT black.

mandy October 22, 2008 at 8:40 pm

People do know that John McCain has an adopted black child, right?
I’m not a McCain supporter, but…come on people.

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