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Starbucks, land of loveO fair Cocktober, ye slayer of perverts and porn-filth fans, ye scourge of bathroom goblins and peen-flashers! Today’s Cocktober Update features a judge in Florida who was accused of showing off his man-parts in a Starbucks bathroom on the campus of the University of Miami.

Let’s run down the relevant and once again sadly predictable details regarding the now former Miami-Dade Circuit Judge Douglas J. Chumbley:

  • Republican.
  • Bush appointee (Jeb).
  • Juvenile division.
  • Former high school teacher.
  • Married, two kids.

Here is a crazy prediction: within the next week, another Democrat you have never heard of will have to resign his elected position because he had sex with some lady who was not his wife. Concurrently, a married Republican political or law enforcement official with a special interest in protecting our nation’s youth will be arrested for masturbating on a public playground wearing a Barney suit with the crotch cut out.

Accused of indecent exposure, Miami-Dade judge resigns [Miami Herald]

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  • spencer

    His defense will be, “How was I supposed to pee without exposing my Chumbley?”

  • Jebediah

    I guess Starbucks are the new Airports.

  • mattbolt

    So the dude whips er out at the Starbucks, right! And I sez to the guy, “Hey! I ordered a Venti, not a Short!” Eyyyy!

  • Tommy Says Soooo

    I am sure this is evil Democrat politicking….Charlie Crist will serve as a character witness, indeed.

  • WhenTheMessiahComes…

    Ahhh…
    Pricy divorce lawyer? $100,000
    10 years of therapy for the 2 children? $250,000
    Cost to taxpayers to house Douglas J. Chumbley in jail? $1000/per day

    Being a pervy repug scumbag….priceless!

  • Hairy Reed

    a married Republican political or law enforcement official with a special interest in protecting our nation’s youth will be arrested for masturbating on a public playground wearing a Barney suit with the crotch cut out.

    When this happens, I will pay Wonkette $500, if in return they fax me their annotated Nostradamus.

  • grendel
  • ManchuCandidate

    Concurrently, a married Republican political or law enforcement official with a special interest in protecting our nation’s youth will be arrested for masturbating on a public playground wearing a Barney suit with the crotch cut out.

    What do you mean “will be”, Sara? That’s the Repub party initiation!

  • mattbolt

    You forgot the best bullet point – was the flashee a kid? Cuz I mean, what a pedosmile! I mean, when a fat bald man flashes a grin like that, they should lock down the fucking schools. My God, you could cut and paste that mouth onto Mother Theresa’s face and it’d still be enough for the Sex Offender Registry to take notice.

  • DarkSynergy

    He was just showing off his Charlie Browns, whatever guys. At least this was at a university bathroom and not some day care.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    Concurrently, a married Republican political or law enforcement official with a special interest in protecting our nation’s youth will be arrested for masturbating on a public playground wearing a Barney suit with the crotch cut out

    Hmmmmmm, something is missing from this sentence?! Oh yeah, you left out the part about him wearing nipple tassels and a butt plug!

  • Neilist

    At last! The real identity, and photograph of, Viligante!

    The Starbucks had wifi, so he could post and weenie-wag at the same time.

    Hon. Douglas J. Chumbley, we salute you!

    “In the Navy! In the Navy!”

  • Chicken Smack

    People say we live in a more lurid time, with stories being far more explicit and salacious than they once were, in earlier years. Therefore, we’re less “shocked” with every story, and the truth often rings hollow, despite it being the truth.

    Despite that, it’s now time to buzzsaw this fantastic Republican and count how many hollow rings he has.

  • freakishlystrong

    Ah, Cocktober. Crisp and awash in golden color, when, it is higly reccomended, asked by a Republican, “Trick or Treat?”, respond “Go suck someone else’s dick, perv…

  • mattbolt

    Judge Chumbley: Hey, do you like Starbucks?
    Urinal Neighbour: Yeah.
    J.Chum: Oh yeah? What other fast food places do you like?
    U.N.: I dunno, lots.
    J.Chum: Do you like Mickey D’s?
    U.N.: Yeah, sure.
    J.Chum: Do you like Mickey… DEEZ NUTS?!?! *flash*

  • thefrontpage

    “Are you aware of the penal code in this court?!”*

    *–Apologies to “The Kentucky Fried Movie.” If you don’t know, rent the movie.

  • WIDTAP

    Republican.
    Bathroom.
    Indecent exposure.

    The offense – not offering $20 to give the BJ, as any good Republican would.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    Quoth the Herald: “The university did not say why Chumbley, who is not a faculty member there, was at the school.

    Spokeswoman Karla Hernandez released a statement that stressed the school’s safety is enhanced by video surveillance and emergency phones topped with blue lights.”

    Hahahahaha! Chumbley is today’s Blue Light Special!

  • ManchuCandidate

    [re=139718]AngryBlakGuy[/re]:
    [re=139713]Hairy Reed[/re]:
    Yes, that line is definitely a keeper if we keep quoting it. Bravo Sara.

    [re=139717]DarkSynergy[/re]:
    Heh. I thought it was his Linus?

  • Darehead

    Was it tall, grande, venti or….?

  • shortsshortsshorts

    How can people think they can get away with something like this? And he’s a JUDGE, for gawd sakes. I mean sure there are parts of the old testament that advocate gay butt secks, but this is just one more reason to evade being a Christian nation if that were the case. Jeebus? Why are Christians so gay?

  • MathewBrooks

    Has anyone anywhere on the intertubes cataloged all these sex scandals?

  • loudmouthredhead

    I mean, I know the ‘bucks coffee is good, but I usually don’t want to masturbate all over it. Man, someone needs to introduce repubs. to the vices of life a bit earlier so they know how to handle them!

  • gurukalehuru

    O.K., we don’t know the details yet, and I hate to come to the defense of any republican, on the grounds that they are all scumbags, but if you can’t show off your “man-parts” in a bathroom, how are you supposed to pee?
    No whore diamonds without further (and smuttier) information.

  • longjohnson

    “IF you touch my dick, I will acquit”

    Spoken like a true Judge
    looking for his supply of bone faves . . .

  • mattbolt

    WIDE STANCE

    So wide that it caused his pants to rip off, accidentally exposing the entire room of nubile undergrads.

  • magic titty

    What I enjoy about these stories is Fox never reports them. They only cover the Democrat scandals.

    But…uh…seriously – couldnt he have used the ‘I was peeing’ defense?

  • loudmouthredhead

    [re=139726]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: *nasal voice* That’s teeeeerrible!

    Do they have blinky lights in the bathrooms? And cameras?
    Isn’t that called Girls Gone Wild?…

  • longjohnson

    [re=139739]magic titty[/re]: I think the “its my own personal sun dial” or, “weather vien” would play better in Florida, especially after a horrendous hurricane season.

  • loudmouthredhead

    [re=139739]magic titty[/re]: R. Kelly tried the whole “I was peeing and the other person just got in the way” defense…not sure it works too well.

  • Cape Clod

    Shit, they never had a Starbucks on campus when I went to Miami.

    Go ‘Canes.

  • Cogito Ergo Bibo

    He was in his final months as a juvenile division judge after losing his election bid in August. Chumbley will not fight the charge.

    Dang. That’s some serious, “Aww fuck it; what does it matter, anyway?” behavior.

  • ph7

    Best defense:

    He was trying to adjourn his peeing session, but forget his gavel, and had to improvise.

  • mattbolt

    Considering he resigned over it, I think he knows damn well what he did and that this was no “I was peeing” accident. This was a full blown “Hey, young hot freshman, ever seen a Republican official’s ELEPHANT TRUNK?”

    (The student, unfortunately, replied “Yeah I have – I was Mark Foley’s intern”)

  • loudmouthredhead

    [re=139742]longjohnson[/re]: dowsing rod

  • Norbert

    undoubtedly this patriot and family man was merely led astray by the elitist SanFrancisco-values of Starbucks – on a university campus no less. it can happen in the time it takes to order a coffee.

  • binarian

    [re=139729]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Snark aside, he’s hardwired to be this way. When you know your fucked up in the head you run as fast as you can torwards what you percive as normal.

  • magic titty

    [re=139744]loudmouthredhead[/re]: He actually got off (heheh). So if you don’t shit, you must acquit.

    You know, the title “Chumbley’s Chubby has that alliterative appeal to it, much like “Angela’s Ashes”. I predict a best seller.

  • Monkey

    I’ve never been to a Starbucks that had a bathroom for more than one person at a time, so this was clearly consentual ding dong dancing.

  • Gopherit

    Chumbley needs to go for the “well hung” defense.

    ” Your Honor, it’s a practical impossibility to NOT expose yourself when you practically need a wheelbarrow like my client.”

  • longjohnson

    Starbucks new slogan – “Put your stick in it”

  • jimh

    He wuz hi on teh caffeinz.

  • freakishlystrong

    [re=139731]MathewBrooks[/re]: I believe our very own Wonkette has a handle on them.

  • sublicon

    Did he show it off to a dude?

  • binarian

    new colloquialism: to flash in a Starbucks is to “Pop-a-Chumbley”.

  • grendel

    Is there any reason to keep Florida? Can we break it off and sell it to Cuba ?

  • forgracie

    This gives a whole new meaning to “bang the gavel…”

  • magic titty

    [re=139761]Gopherit[/re]: I think Mike Tyson attempted something similar in his sexual assault case. Worked out…not so much.

  • Gopherit

    [re=139773]grendel[/re]: Cuba’d want us to get rid of all the perverts and pedophiles first. I say sink it.

    And I am suddenly struck by how much Hizzonner Chumbley looks like he could be Ari Fleischer’s father.

  • 2druk2phluq

    [re=139773]grendel[/re]: Cuba could probably buy it, now that they have more oil than we do.

    Incidentally, I wonder how the Cuban invasion plans are going. They meet all the requirements:
    a) they have oil
    okay, that was pretty much it

  • Palin-Plumber2012

    [re=139776]forgracie[/re]: Ohh good I’m not the first one to make a lame joke…

    I’m already annoyed when they barista offers me a Biscotti.

  • Doglessliberal

    [re=139744]loudmouthredhead[/re]: hey, he was acquitted–it worked great!

  • magic titty

    According to TalkingPointsMemo, Barry is leading in early voting in some red states, but is losing in Florida.

    http://tpmelectioncentral.talkingpointsmemo.com/2008/10/early_voting_and_absentee_ball.php

  • CharlesRockyPamplin

    [re=139773]grendel[/re]: seriously, why does this shit only seem to happen down there? is there some sort of undetected background radiation, or chemical in the water table that causes people to spontaneously whip it out/stick it where it shouldn’t be?

  • Servo

    He was trying to air it off after dousing it with Brut.

  • DarkSynergy

    Based solely on the picture of this guy, is anyone surprised? We could go down the list, picture by picture and guess who will eventually get caught in a similar situation as this guy with roughly 85% accuracy.

  • DarkSynergy

    And once again, this is not on DRUDGE. Douchechill!

  • Not_So_Much

    In his defense, managing trousers and that funky black robe is probably tricky. What with the pleats, folds, zippers, etc. That shit probably happens with The Supremes all the time, what with Bader-Ginsburg flashing some coochie when she’s trying to get her bun just right…

  • Sean O

    He’s clearly not a real republican, since a true wingnutter wouldn’t be caught dead in an elitist *bucks.

  • Doglessliberal

    [re=139794]Sean O[/re]: I think Britney Spears made multiple 1500 calorie Frappuchinos per day de rigeur among all types of people. She brought the $5 calorie bomb disgused as “coffee” to the masses.

  • Mo MoDo

    [re=139760]Monkey[/re]: But must Starbucks toilets are roomy, well-lit, and clean. At least he has some class. Closet case hook-ups are going upscale. I bet the good cruising coffee shops are called Starfucks.

  • bitchincamaro

    I’d use the “I was merely trying to remove the cream from my jeans” defense.

  • DarkSynergy

    Next occupation: Ice Cream Man!

  • Datsun510

    [re=139739]magic titty[/re]: There is a unique personal-space issue that men deal with at neighboring urinals. It is normal and regular that a guy can take care of business without initiating a sword fight. It is not the place where a guy would accidentally “Pop-a-Chumbley” ,(Thanks[re=139770]binarian[/re]:).

    I think The Village People should add a barista.

  • platypuseggs

    I missed you Cocktober.

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    masturbating on a public playground wearing a Barney suit with the crotch cut out. That’s just hott. No two ways about it.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=139789]Servo[/re]: HA! Either that, or English Leather.

  • herpezhilton

    [re=139709]mattbolt[/re]: I think you mean “Tall”. And now you know why the smallest drinks at Starbucks are named “Tall” – to soften the blow, as it were, on the Republicans with tiny pee-pees.

  • S.Luggo

    His honorship and friend: the secret handshake.

  • Datsun510

    [re=139792]Not_So_Much[/re]: You just made me throw up in my mouth a little bit.

  • mattbolt

    [re=139845]herpezhilton[/re]: They have a Short, they just don’t put it on the menu (OH FAT AMERICANS) and it’s smaller than a Tall, or, y’know, equivalent to a reasonable-sized coffee cup anywhere else

  • S.Luggo

    What started Chumbley’s uncontrolable need to stroke the python in public: http://www.keepjudgechumbley.com/index_files/Page411.htm
    And can you blame him?

  • Lascauxcaveman

    [re=139761]Gopherit[/re]: Ha! “My client.”

    Neither my wife or I are attorneys, but we sometimes have fun couching our everyday domestic conversations in pseudo-legal babble; stuff you might hear on a lawyer show on the teevee.

    I think I’m going to rename Mr. Willy “my client.”

  • azw88

    Cut the guy some slack… he was just airing out his little chubby! It gets hot under those robes!!

  • S.Luggo

    [re=139888]azw88[/re]: Did you mean “hot” or “hawt”?

  • Itsjustme

    [re=139780]Gopherit[/re]: I was thinking Ari’s twin. I would say evil twin, but isn’t that what Ari is? EVIL!

  • WIDTAP

    Ok, I think we need to try harder to make this “I was trying to pee” defense work for the poor man.

    How about if we can get some doctor to testify he has stones in his bladder, or urinary strictures and was just tugging on the gavel to get better flow?

    Come on folks, help a poor Republican out. What else do they have left?

  • Mr Blifil

    Whichever aide or paralegal was tasked with finding the judge good cruising spots on the internet has done him/herself no favors this week.

  • BobLoblawLawBlog

    What a maroon. Everyone knows you take that shit to Bennigan’s.

  • tiger

    Is it me, or did NO ONE come out of the closet in the 50’s??

  • Miller

    How many times have I gone to a Starbucks wishing that I could get a little cock flashing with my latte only to be bitterly disappointed? Now I learn I also have to move to Miami if I want it? Disheartening.
    http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    Needs more Blingee, methinks.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    Whoops. I meant this.

  • dano

    The permissive liberal culture strikes again! How many patriots like Chumbley have to fall before we wise up and outlaw teh gays? I mean really, haven’t all of us straight guys have been tempted to show a complete stranger our wangs after watching an episode of “Dancing with the Stars”. I call this entrapment!

  • BobLoblawLawBlog

    [re=139722]mattbolt[/re]: God fucking bless you and everything you stand for.

  • NYNYNY

    I’ always like “Why Florida?” Do realize how many of these either happen in Florida, or are Floridians in other places (Foley) of they’ve just come from Florida (the Young Republican blow job rapist). Oh…I just looked it up. It’s number two in sex offenders per capita after Alaska. And has roughly 200 times the pop. of AK. http://www.swivel.com/graphs/show/12112382

  • TGY

    Obviously, it’s all a mere confusion between ‘Starbucks’ and ‘Starcocks’.

  • 23 Skidoo

    The staff at that Starbucks just couldn’t understand why his honor insisted on dumping the half and half on another gentleman’s back.

  • azw88

    [re=139896]S.Luggo[/re]: HOT, as in “it is fucking hot under these robes and drinking a double-shot venti Latte has made it worse! Just look at all of this sweat on my balls! Won’t you PUUHLEEZE lick it off?!”

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Listen, if you can’t cruise for gay sex in a Starbucks bathroom in Miami, where the hell can you cruise for gay sex?

  • Davidwatts

    Didn’t you guys see Choke? “Circuit” Court indeed.

  • Gopherit

    [re=139963]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Blingee is not nearly pornographic enough for our purposes.

  • guey de gueyes

    Not quite as good as the judge who massaged his gavel underneath the bench a few years back.

  • bearbait

    [re=139732]loudmouthredhead[/re]: Maybe they were out of half & half?.

  • lawrenceofthedesert

    Chumbley was not on a roll, that’s for sure, and probably not cut out for politics in the first place. In August, he had lost his judgeship to Marcia Caballero, despite his much higher ratings — ethnic politics, for sure, which is part of the game. And he had to resign pronto because of where he held court — Juvenile Division. Sounds like a midlife crisis led Douglas to wave his chumbley where he shouldn’t have (which includes pretty much anywhere); I hope he gets the help he obviously needs, and that he now realizes that in some cases, even the whole truth and nothing but the truth is not appropriate.

  • rocktonsammy

    I SAID NO CREAM, PUT THAT AWAY!!!

  • Seek

    WTF is it about Florida???? Don’t half of these stories involve a Florida Politician. I used to fly through there on the way to somewhere warm and fun. I may re-route. These people are insane.

  • Captain Swing

    You never know. If the McWALNUTS!/McMoosefart trolls actually manage to scare enough rubes into voting for them, good old Chumbers might just be the next Attorney General.

    He could show Joe the Plumber his tool.

    Mind you, given the exploits of some of his fellow Republicans, he would be be up against er… ‘stiff’ competition.

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