hell monsters

What Monster Did McCain Become Last Night?

WTF?A horrified America watched John McCain stagger up from his debate chair last night and turn into a monster. He almost caught our Barack Obama! What was happening? Clearly, the special anti-monster juice McCain drinks before public appearances was starting to wear off. They got him in the titanium-lined SWAT van just before he fully transformed. But fully transformed into what?

I saw Lon Chaney Jr. dancing with the queen ...HORRIBLE MEDIEVAL WEREWOLF: This would actually explain a lot, including, probably, why McCain is always talking about medieval Ireland, when he was a boy, before he was bitten by a werewolf, which put a terrible end to his happy carefree days of being a Celtic warrior who always crashed his horse into the enemy’s village.

We all float ... for five and a half years!HORRIBLE CHILD-EATING DEATH CLOWN: No wonder McCain’s handlers try to get him away from those debate audiences so quick! He was just moments away from turning into this evil-ass thing, the New Hampshire Primary Murder Clown, Rich Uncle Pennywise! Imagine being stuck on Secret Service duty with this campaign. Imagine having to bury the bodies every night.

Get behind thee, Walnuts!EVIL GORGON MEDUSA: Walnuts has always roamed the Earth, in his various guises, but by night, he shows his true death’s head, the GORGONEION from Hades, where he spent Five and a Half Million Years. (This is also the face he makes when he has sexytime! Your tax dollars pay for his Viagra!)

Knights In Satan's Service!DISGUSTING CLASSIC-ROCK GIMMICK CAR: There is nothing more hideous than 700-year-old arena rocker Gene Simmons, so it stands to reason that John McCain is the demon father of the KISS monster. Legend says shitty ’71 Volkswagen Beetles with home paint jobs and huge styrofoam monster skulls/tongues were frequently on the scene before the Crusaders lost Jerusalem to the Arabs led by Bill Ayers the Terrorist Muslin.

HENGNGH HENGHH!EVIL SILENT-MOVIE GERMAN VAMPIRE: And now, a quote from Bram Stoker’s Dracula: “As the Count leaned over me and his hands touched me… a horrible feeling of nausea came over me, which, do what I would, I could not conceal. When the Count saw my face, his eyes blazed with a sort of demonaic fury, and he suddenly made a grab at my throat.”

Yes, that sounds about right.

The Khabs is in the Khu, not the Khu in the Khabs. THE BEAST: But our demonic experts here on the Wonkette staff finally concluded McCain was turning into this hell-beast of yore, as seen here in a 16th Century woodcut. These demonic shit-monsters once roamed the Eastern Seaboard, until they were captured by Benedict Arnold in 1776 and taught Naval Command skills at Annapolis. The creatures spawn a single fetus from the “egg duct” every hundred years; the fourth spawn of the cycle is always a crazy, self-obsessed idiot who has no military skillz.

(And yes, of course we have demonic experts on staff! We are a Washington Politics website, after all.)

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Hola wonkerados.

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143 comments

  1. NoWireHangers

    I just kept waiting for a flesh-eating alien to spring from his walnut cheek. Is there a .gif of that? There should be…

  2. WadISay

    Puh-leeze, there’s a simple explanation for this. Many Republicans have amphibian brains and instinctively try to catch flies with their tongues. In this case, Barack Obama’s fly.

  3. DCBulloch

    The father of the Montauk monster.
    also @districtsleeps – I think it is half man, Half Bear, Half Pig.

  4. Cape Clod

    Nope. The mummy. Ancient, re-animated corpse with rotting flesh that staggers around with bits of him falling off. That’s what McCain reminds me of.

  5. shortsshortsshorts

    No mention of Cerberus, the two headed death monster from death? Just you wait until it comes back to get you.

  6. AngryBlakGuy

    …none of the above! His body was beginning to be taken over by the alien symbiote that he is concealing in his cheek pouch kinda like venom

  7. hardcorepops

    Man, I wish we had gotten a full frontal view rather than a profile. He would have looked like Slimer in trollop pancake makeup.

  8. capt. tim

    McCain can’t be pennywise. Obama is already pennywise.

    What does Obama stand for? Hope.
    What does hope do? Sandra Bullock proved that hope floats.
    What else floats? Why a pretty balloon of course.
    What else? We all do. We all float down here.

    simple logic.

  9. Chicken Smack

    Bringing Mystery Science references to the table (and hey, who doesn’t?!), he’s portraying Kathy Ireland in Alien From L.A., or Crow as the bass player in the progressive goth-rock band “Hee-La”, from The Giant Gila Monster.

    Or my cat. He licks toes.

  10. BobLoblawLawBlog

    I think it’s disgraceful that you would “joke” about a “man’s” health like this. “Special” needs old farts who descend into herpetological beasts at the touch of the Unicorn Hope King need our “care” and “understanding.” But not a fucking red cent of our money.

  11. superfecta

    If only Mothman had swooped in and carried him away. That would have been pretty compelling television. It’s also possible this is what the Jersey Devil looks like in his spare time.

  12. populucious

    I believe he is transforming into the vicious “Naugaspam”, the horrifying beast from whence both “naugahyde” and “spam” are gotten. Behold, the texture of his skin…clearly naugahyde! And the color? Spam…horrible horrible spam.

  13. rmontcal

    “special anti-monster juice McCain drinks before public appearances” Is that a Polyjuice Potion reference? Nerd alert! NERD!!

  14. Baldeagle79

    I’ve got one. A liberal pro-abortionist big spender with a blank check (blank check = Pelosi and Reid in an Obama Administration)! This evil creature will not only terrorize businesses that employ Americans, but it has that weird hippy smell that strangely resembles B.O. …hmmm “B – O”

    Joe Biden suffers from “foot-in-mouth” disease. http://www.offeringcommonsense.blogspot.com

  15. Clyde Midia

    McCrazy is showing symptoms of long-term anti-psychotic (Haldol,Mellaril,etc.) medication usage….an unfortunate side effect that sometimes occurs is called Tardive Dyskenesia (Look it up on Wikipedia).

    To quote from good ole’ Wiki….

    “Tardive dyskinesia is characterized by repetitive, involuntary, purposeless movements. Features of the disorder may include grimacing, tongue protrusion, lip smacking, puckering and pursing of the lips, and rapid eye blinking. Rapid movements of the arms, legs, and trunk may also occur.”

    Explains a lot…HEH???HEH???HEH???

  16. Baldeagle79

    [re=137385]Serolf Divad[/re]:

    How dare he try to defend our nation, save our tax system from a socialist takeover, and protect unborn children who can’t vote! The monster must go!

    http://www.offeringcommonsense.blogspot.com

    Vote for Change! Vote for higher taxes that send our jobs overseas! Vote for the protectionist policies that caused the Great Depression! Vote to end infants’ medical care who dare to survive abortions! Spread the wealth! De-weaponize space, and slow “the production of future combat systems.” Change we can believe in!

  17. superfecta

    [re=137393]Clyde Midia[/re]: A friend of mine was on a legal team for a pharma company and one of the things that they had to work onto the label of some drug was reported as ‘mouth doesn’t work.’ It seems McCain is taking a ton of whatever that was.

  18. 2druk2phluq

    He turned into the old pedophile on Family Guy.

    “What are these, Chris?”

    “Those are just some old shorts I used to wear on hot summer days.”

    “Sweet Jeezus”

  19. SeminoleInDior

    Jesus Christ, Ken! Are you trying to make me an insomniac?! I cannot sleep after two days of Pennywise pictures!

  20. Tommy Says Soooo

    [re=137390]Baldeagle79[/re]: I just shot my entrails out my anus laughing so hard at this. Strangely, it looked remarkably like the pic.

  21. slappypaddy

    [re=137390]Baldeagle79[/re]: At least Joe has feet. The Republican Party hasn’t shot itself in the foot this year so much as it’s blown off both its feet with a double-barreled shotgun. So be careful, Baldy, your sitting veepee has shown a weakness for swigging beer and blasting carelessly with birdshot–but at least as you go down, you’ll know you’ve been shot by your friends.

  22. wildeoats

    “Hey everyone, look! It’s me, Cindy. Off my meds. Get it? heh heh heh. Thanks, as usual, you’re a great audience. I’ll be here all week. Try the veal.”

  23. magic titty

    [re=137402]Baldeagle79[/re]: You tell ‘em. We don’t want no half breed muslin’s in the White House!

  24. mocowbell

    Time to take that last two dollars and 50 cents left in your investment accounts and place the entire amount on “Depends” futures cuz that there is a pre-Alzheimer’s face if I’ve ever seen one, and boy oh boy, America, it ain’t gonna get prettier…

  25. Scarab

    [re=137402]Baldeagle79[/re]:
    protect unborn children who can’t vote
    What’s it like to be that stupid?

  26. NoWireHangers

    [re=137402]Baldeagle79[/re]: Wow. It’s so great you’re here. I think you’ve convinced me to throw aside all my convictions and vote Republican. Why, if you hadn’t posted that link I might never have known the truth! Quickly, you must blanket other liberal blogs with your conservative talking points. Quickly! America’s future is in your hands!

  27. Datsun510

    This monster is the kind of monster who shows physical disdain for it’s opponent, to the point that it spent the bulk of the final debate focused on why Obama should not be president instead of making it’s case for earning undecided votes.

    The undecided voters saw this monster last night. But they did not grab their torches and pitchforks. They are showing it the respect of giving it the chance to quietly sneak away
    and hide in it’s dirty dark creepy hole somewhere.

  28. blader

    Y’all are way off track. This is all completely innocent.

    He farted, and he’s just too damn old to be trusting his farts anymore.

  29. Paterlanger

    “So just to break the ice before the debate starts I’m telling Barry…everyone in the Senate calls him Barry…so I’m telling Barry about this incredibly huge and smelly hairball that our cat had coughed up right in front of Liz Hasselback the night she came over for a quiet dinner with Cindy and me. Incredibly embarrassing right? You know, but funny too. And I’m doin’ the funniest part where I hack just like the cat making this crazy up-chucking face and that one turns his back on me and walks away like he can’t be bothered with this sort of Joe-the-Plumber sort of humor. Fucking dark-skinned muslim gook terrorist bastard.”

  30. ManchuCandidate

    That photograph captured the moment when the remains of his 2000 “Maverick” persona escaped his body.

  31. hardcorepops

    [re=137390]Baldeagle79[/re]: Do you yell out “AMERICA!!!!” when you are having an orgasm?

  32. nurple

    Obviously Barack used MAGICKS on our innocent John McCain. TREACHERY! Evil CHICAGO magicks of infinite power and evel..

  33. Baldeagle79

    “How do you tell a communist? Well, it’s someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an anti-Communist? It’s someone who understands Marx and Lenin.” — Ronald Reagan

  34. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=137390]Baldeagle79[/re]: Did you say “big spender with a blank check?” Are you referring to the 700 billion dollar bailout check currently in the hands of George McBush, or are you talking about the 2 billion dollars spent every week in Iraq?

    Fuck you.

  35. DCBulloch

    [re=137450]Baldeagle79[/re]: To understand Lenin and Marx, dont you have to read what they wrote? I know this is scary thinking time for you.

  36. magic titty

    [re=137450]Baldeagle79[/re]: Ronald Reagan was an ignorant jackass. Just in case you weren’t aware.
    Time to take down his posters. And take down the Farrah Fawcett ones too – you’re a grown man now.

  37. SeminoleInDior

    [re=137450]Baldeagle79[/re]: That’s the best you’ve got? You’re relying on a pre-Alzheimer’s crackpot philosopher for wisdom? Come on, Baldy. Give us your best shot.

  38. BobLoblawLawBlog

    [re=137402]Baldeagle79[/re]: Awww, Scarecrow, I think I’ll miss you most of all once your septuagenarian (that mean “old”) twatwaffle (that means “Neocon”) is sent back to his native biome (that means “hidey hole”) to waste away under President Obama’s awesome new health care plan. Obama fights to the PAIN, after all.

  39. Iggy Plop

    [re=137450]Baldeagle79[/re]: jeez, i hate to respond to the troll, but come on, man. someone who defines their political outlook as anticommunist probably hasn’t read a book since they repeated 8th grade a few times.

  40. ManchuCandidate

    [re=137450]Baldeagle79[/re]:
    So how do you understand Marx and Lenin if you don’t read it?

    Are you saying that St Ronnie was a commie first?

  41. d4g33z

    What? No muppet reference? Damn, I miss the three days when muppets were the rage. Although, [re=137450]Baldeagle79[/re] makes me think of Sam the Eagle, and that’s a good thing. C’mon baldy, if you knew what was good for you, you’d change your avatar _right_ now…

  42. ioksotot23

    Yog-Sothoth, Shub-Niggurath(goat of a thousand young),Azathoth, and Nyarlatothep(in black felt fedora) all give a bronx cheer….

  43. ioksotot23

    Yog-Sothoth, Shub-Niggurath(goat of a Thousand Young), Azathoth, and Nyarlathotep (in black felt fedora), give a bronx cheer….

  44. AfghanVet

    He is every “Evil-Doer” (TM) RNC…from Scooby Doo. They are always old, cantankerous, angry men trying to take what is rightfully theirs and using monster costumes to get it. But, as always, he would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for those meddling kids.

  45. michaelsbill111

    McCain became the German vampire. He scared the hell out of me and Joe the Plumber is nothing but a classic, in the style of Lee Attwater, Karl Rove plant. When do we get to hear from Joe Six-Pack?

    The political short film/ad McCain does not want you to see, which ask what is the answer???
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KzbJtG9V2E


  46. Post author
    Ken Layne

    [re=137450]Baldeagle79[/re]: Sorry dude, you are messing up a post about MONSTERS. That is not cool. You are banned for ruining the comments in a post about MONSTERS.

  47. China Hand

    McCain’s repertoire of grimaces, facial ticks, and and spasmodic motions reminded me vividly of Edgar, the farmer in Men in Black whose skin gets inhabited by an angry, homicidal alien bug. Surprised nobody else picked up on that. Guess I’m showing my age, my friends.

  48. Fivetree

    He wasn’t turning into a monster, he was retching and about ready to spew chunks all over his failed bid for the presidency.

    But, if he WAS turning into a monster it would have to be one of the Zombies from “Shaun of the Dead”. He was hungry for brain – Obama clearly has one – and he hasn’t been able to find any on his campaign staff or after scouring our the empty skull of Maverickita Fraudbot, his special needs running mate.

  49. Sabre_Justice

    AAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAH!

    Dear god, I haven’t even seen It and that clown skill scares the shit out of me.

  50. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=137838]orangedeca[/re]: You can put lipstick on a Montauk Monster, but it’s still McCain’s pleasure beast.

  51. Kev-O-Tron

    [re=137705]Ken Layne[/re]: And down goes another douche. I’m surprised it took this long. BUT to his credit he heeded our advice and changed his blog. It’s still crappy but now it doesn’t look like a 14 year old’s Myspace page.

    Not that I *ahem* cruise teenager’s myspace pages *cough*.

  52. Ramalama

    Scandalous!!! I can’t believe Obama just stood by while Mcladin was choking. I feel a new smear campaign coming on.

  53. bc

    He was simply choking on his crib sheet that he’d inhaled by mistake! Either that or instead of his nose groing like Pinnocchio, his tongue was swelling because of all the lies…

  54. glamourdammerung

    [re=137646]michaelsbill111[/re]: Maybe Joe the Plumber is like McCain’s version of Dracula’s Renfield?

  55. Jim's Mom

    Say what you will, nothing is scarier than Todd Palin with a loaded weapon (be it a firearm or otherwise). Full coverage at The Lemon Report. lemonreport.blogspot.com

  56. Mahatma Froglegs

    The VIDEODROME signal is definitely affecting him. He saw Nikki Brand talking to him from Obama’s buttocks; hence, the expression.

  57. Rock Ripsnort

    This is no time for snark. McCan’t is clearly having a stroke. Seriously, I thought this pic was shopped the first time I saw it.

  58. tocute2btrue

    I farted and I thought John was going to puke,that Bitch Michelle fed me boiled eggs and Beer for lunch.

  59. Grace

    aww … i’m not the hugest mccain fan, but come on you must have no life if you’re going to go through the footage frame by frame to find this random picture of a guy getting up from his seat. lets focus on the issues here and not contribute to such low-brow discourse …

  60. Jedd

    What’s up with the tongue? I can see how the excessive blinking might be due to sensitivity to lights, or make-up, or nervousness. But what’s with the tongue. It appears to be a regular thing with McCain. Is McCain really a lizard? Or a reptilian being of some sort? And how would that affect his ability to run the country?

    These are tough questions that the media are avoiding, even David Letterman would not go there. We can not afford eight more years of reptilian rule.

    The irony is that lizards have the most to gain from an Obama win.

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