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Joe Biden gave a rally in Athens, Ohio today, home of the very lovely Ohio University! Never heard of it? Well shut up then! And he “warmed up” the crowd by talking about that time he visited Ohio University in college for a football game — this probably never happened, he likes to make shit up all the time — and how he was going to crush these two dames through the night, until the cops came and arrested him. Dude. DUDE. Dude. Not cool bro?

Set the scene, Joe:

“It’s good to be back in Athens. Now you say ‘Back in Athens, Biden, when were you here?’ Well I went to the University of Delaware and we came out here to play Ohio University. Now that was 228 years ago and we did just fine, but the thing I loved about the university was that it was such a beautiful town and we all hung around out afterwards.”

i.e., they went trolling for drunk sluts.

“Now I made a little mistake here that day, I made a little mistake.”

“I wandered in, I met this lovely group of Ohio University…students,” Biden said winkingly to laughs from the crowd.

Little starbursts shot through the crowd, because of the winking. The crowd laughed because they know that the girls at Ohio U. are not so much “lovely” as mean pinching crab-dogs.

“And uh, without knowing it, I shouldn’t admit this on national television because it’ll reveal that I’m over 60, but I thought that we were gonna go get something to eat. What’s that street you have down there, all you guys? See, I…and so I just said to young, two young women I had met, said well why don’t you…we’ll be right back, I said well I’ll come with you, and they said okay, and I walked into their dormitory and was immediately accosted by a cop who arrested me because back in those days men were not allowed in women’s dormitories.”

Oh those dumb cops, he was so IN, bro, dude, literally. Seriously. No but for real. He is hilarious.

Biden Talks About A Youthful Indiscretion [CBS News]

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75 COMMENTS

  1. Dear Congressional Record Forum,
    I never thought it would happen to me, but I was attending a small liberal arts college in the Midwest when…

  2. Joe went for a three-some, make HIM the friggin Prez!! None of this panty-waist blow job crab Bill Clinton pulled, I want a president that can bend a bee-otch over the desk in the oval office while another one tickles his balls!

  3. Joe, that wasn’t a dormitory, that was a whorehouse. But it’s O.K., you were planning to get down with females, who were not children.

    That makes you so… not a Republican, and that means you’re perfectly normal!

  4. I was totally hoping the story would get as far as: “So I’ve got this one philly squirming about on my lap and the other one on my face when this cop bursts through the door…”

  5. Although, when I hear “Ohio” and “women” all I can see is that wet/crinkle/curl blonde hair with brown roots. Maybe it’s a faded perm? Not sure what the term is. It’s popular in the rust belt.

  6. At least now we know he’s never actually had a threesome. If he had, he wouldn’t even remember this story.

    Or at least we know he’s never had a threesome with two women…

    This is not a productive line of discussion.

  7. I, Ohiolobbyist, am an Ohio University Bobcat (06 alum). No snark here, just want to brag that it is a top 10 party school, and the women are far from being “pinching crab-dogs.” The women at Ohio University are wonderful.

    Oh, and Ed O’Neill (teevee’s Al Bundy), played football for OU back around the time frame Biden is talking about, and he is stumping for Obama along the North Coast of the state this weekend. How deep in the surrogate barrel do you have to scrape to get Al Bundy?

  8. These stories crack me up! It’s always, “see I ALMOST did something cool, but it would be wrong for obtaining future votes, so I didn’t go through with it”. Damn! Am I the only one who got laid, smoked weed, drank to excess, and had a good time doing it? It was a simpler time Joe. We were supposed to be fucked up!….jeeze!

  9. [re=134637]masterdebater[/re]: On the flip side, Barry dabbled in the fun drugs, but now he wears his cell phone in a belt holster and wears a bike helmet…

  10. [re=134630]ohiolobbyist[/re]: Truly, bro – Another Bobcats here (’04). But Biden, dude – you couldn’t close the deal with OU girls? It’s like shooting fish in a barrel out here. Shooting drunk, fake tanned, coked-out horny fish in a barrel full of Michelob Ultra and Roofies.

    Seriously, though, Athens girls are easy. And we’re proud of it!

  11. I went to Ohio University (for reals) and I actually did sleep with two rather hot girls (for reals) on Halloween (for reals) but I was so drunk, all I remember is throwing up spaghetti on my Robert Smith costume (for reals.)

  12. ” … fortunately, the cop agreed to just let me go after paying a big fine. Interestingly, later that night I saw the two young women and the cop drinking together at the local bar, laughing heartily and loudly toasting U of Delaware. It’s great that law enforcement and local students get along so well at Ohio University, and that they are so hospitable to outsiders!!”

  13. When you’re old and have hair plugs you’re just expected to make shit up like this.

    I once scored four touchdowns in one game playing for San Dimas High School Fooball.

    (which does in fact, rule)

  14. Is this suggesting that Biden’s video bio at the DNC was actually in the form of a raucous teen sex comedy? Damn, too bad I missed that one…

  15. I once got arrested in my dorm for mooning an old lady out the window. She nearly cracked up her car into the lamp post. And I just used “crack” and “post” in the same sentence. I am still wicked. And perhaps vice-presidential!

  16. [re=134633]iwillsavethispatient[/re]: Well, wasn’t his father in construction? Maybe little Joe played building contractor as a kid instead of baseball. Poor guy never got to first base, but he did get to the penthouse

  17. [re=134695]PrairiePossum[/re]:
    The Clinton version:
    “… so the third girl really was afraid of that donkey, and it looked like game over, but then her sister showed up…”

  18. [re=134625]NoWireHangers[/re]: Those types are at Wal-Mart’s across America, not just Ohio. Majority of Ohio girls have moved past that look.

  19. [re=134624]Reefpilot[/re]: holy crap, i know this is late for the post, but i totes just snorted diet coke when i read that. i would say they need a commercial for that, but is bacardi/coke elitist?

  20. [re=134630]ohiolobbyist[/re]: The women at Ohio University are wonderful.

    Aw, shucks.

    Ohio University is known for its Journalism School, binge drinking, and now for Joe Biden’s failed attempt at a threesome. I’m wondering if I can add this last tidbit on my resume when I’m looking for jobs after the New Depression.

  21. [re=134712]Toomush Infermashun[/re]: They WERE going to eat something. O’Reilly is going to be all over this. He’s so porny it’s hilarious.

  22. [re=134742]vintageways[/re]: Because he was honest (for the most part). He was admitting to being a horny college kid. No Republican would ever admit to their actual emotions in public. “I am not aroused by thoughts of heterosexual intercourse. I never HAVE been aroused by the thoughts of heterosexual intercourse.”

  23. Uh oh, get the x-ray machine. When Biden starts telling scenes from “Animal House” as if they actually happened to him, it means the wires in his noggin’ are sparking again. Hope it’s not aneurysm No. 3. Get the electric shock paddles out and slap ’em on each side of his head till he starts making sense again.

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