Joe Biden Remembers Getting Cockblocked From Threesome, In College

  sexytimes

Joe Biden gave a rally in Athens, Ohio today, home of the very lovely Ohio University! Never heard of it? Well shut up then! And he “warmed up” the crowd by talking about that time he visited Ohio University in college for a football game — this probably never happened, he likes to make shit up all the time — and how he was going to crush these two dames through the night, until the cops came and arrested him. Dude. DUDE. Dude. Not cool bro?

Set the scene, Joe:

“It’s good to be back in Athens. Now you say ‘Back in Athens, Biden, when were you here?’ Well I went to the University of Delaware and we came out here to play Ohio University. Now that was 228 years ago and we did just fine, but the thing I loved about the university was that it was such a beautiful town and we all hung around out afterwards.”

i.e., they went trolling for drunk sluts.

“Now I made a little mistake here that day, I made a little mistake.”

 
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“I wandered in, I met this lovely group of Ohio University…students,” Biden said winkingly to laughs from the crowd.

Little starbursts shot through the crowd, because of the winking. The crowd laughed because they know that the girls at Ohio U. are not so much “lovely” as mean pinching crab-dogs.

“And uh, without knowing it, I shouldn’t admit this on national television because it’ll reveal that I’m over 60, but I thought that we were gonna go get something to eat. What’s that street you have down there, all you guys? See, I…and so I just said to young, two young women I had met, said well why don’t you…we’ll be right back, I said well I’ll come with you, and they said okay, and I walked into their dormitory and was immediately accosted by a cop who arrested me because back in those days men were not allowed in women’s dormitories.”

Oh those dumb cops, he was so IN, bro, dude, literally. Seriously. No but for real. He is hilarious.

Biden Talks About A Youthful Indiscretion [CBS News]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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75 comments

  1. Woodwards Friend

    Someday, when I’m old like Biden, I plan to tell my kids a similar bullshit story about why I never had a threesome in college.

  2. Mo MoDo

    Dear Congressional Record Forum,
    I never thought it would happen to me, but I was attending a small liberal arts college in the Midwest when…

  3. azw88

    Joe went for a three-some, make HIM the friggin Prez!! None of this panty-waist blow job crab Bill Clinton pulled, I want a president that can bend a bee-otch over the desk in the oval office while another one tickles his balls!

  4. BillyClubb

    Joe, that wasn’t a dormitory, that was a whorehouse. But it’s O.K., you were planning to get down with females, who were not children.

    That makes you so… not a Republican, and that means you’re perfectly normal!

  5. Serolf Divad

    I was totally hoping the story would get as far as: “So I’ve got this one philly squirming about on my lap and the other one on my face when this cop bursts through the door…”

  6. NoWireHangers

    Although, when I hear “Ohio” and “women” all I can see is that wet/crinkle/curl blonde hair with brown roots. Maybe it’s a faded perm? Not sure what the term is. It’s popular in the rust belt.

  7. lorne

    At least now we know he’s never actually had a threesome. If he had, he wouldn’t even remember this story.

    Or at least we know he’s never had a threesome with two women…

    This is not a productive line of discussion.

  8. obfuscator

    Then Dean Wormer swore he’d not rest until Bluto Biden and his troublemaking fraternity brothers kicked out of Faber College!!

  9. ohiolobbyist

    I, Ohiolobbyist, am an Ohio University Bobcat (06 alum). No snark here, just want to brag that it is a top 10 party school, and the women are far from being “pinching crab-dogs.” The women at Ohio University are wonderful.

    Oh, and Ed O’Neill (teevee’s Al Bundy), played football for OU back around the time frame Biden is talking about, and he is stumping for Obama along the North Coast of the state this weekend. How deep in the surrogate barrel do you have to scrape to get Al Bundy?

  10. spencer

    He forgot the part about how he how he had lubricant and vibrators and was naked when he answered the door for the cop.

  11. iwillsavethispatient

    “I promise you I never breached the first floor”
    If that’s not code for something really nasty, I don’t know what is.

  12. Tommy Says Soooo

    This, ironically, is something Walnuts did not forgo for FIVE AND a HALF years. Though, wait, if you’re a stickler for women….

  13. masterdebater

    These stories crack me up! It’s always, “see I ALMOST did something cool, but it would be wrong for obtaining future votes, so I didn’t go through with it”. Damn! Am I the only one who got laid, smoked weed, drank to excess, and had a good time doing it? It was a simpler time Joe. We were supposed to be fucked up!….jeeze!

  14. Cogito Ergo Bibo

    Jeebus. Uncle Joe is off wandering again. Someone grab the butterfly net and drag him back.

  15. NoWireHangers

    [re=134637]masterdebater[/re]: On the flip side, Barry dabbled in the fun drugs, but now he wears his cell phone in a belt holster and wears a bike helmet…

  16. gjdodger

    He should have known he was getting hosed when the chicks said they were going to go slip into their “big American breasts.”

  17. OhWhyOhio

    [re=134630]ohiolobbyist[/re]: Truly, bro – Another Bobcats here (’04). But Biden, dude – you couldn’t close the deal with OU girls? It’s like shooting fish in a barrel out here. Shooting drunk, fake tanned, coked-out horny fish in a barrel full of Michelob Ultra and Roofies.

    Seriously, though, Athens girls are easy. And we’re proud of it!

  18. illnoise

    I went to Ohio University (for reals) and I actually did sleep with two rather hot girls (for reals) on Halloween (for reals) but I was so drunk, all I remember is throwing up spaghetti on my Robert Smith costume (for reals.)

  19. slomojoe

    ” … fortunately, the cop agreed to just let me go after paying a big fine. Interestingly, later that night I saw the two young women and the cop drinking together at the local bar, laughing heartily and loudly toasting U of Delaware. It’s great that law enforcement and local students get along so well at Ohio University, and that they are so hospitable to outsiders!!”

  20. Botswana Meat Commission FC

    When you’re old and have hair plugs you’re just expected to make shit up like this.

    I once scored four touchdowns in one game playing for San Dimas High School Fooball.

    (which does in fact, rule)

  21. EdRollinsIsHot

    i can’t wait for the day the he starts off with
    “this one time at band camp”
    what a youtube moment that will be

  22. Neon Trotsky

    Is this suggesting that Biden’s video bio at the DNC was actually in the form of a raucous teen sex comedy? Damn, too bad I missed that one…

  23. PrairiePossum

    If Bill Clinton had visited OU back in his college days, I suspect this story would have a very different ending.

  24. bitchincamaro

    I once got arrested in my dorm for mooning an old lady out the window. She nearly cracked up her car into the lamp post. And I just used “crack” and “post” in the same sentence. I am still wicked. And perhaps vice-presidential!

  25. Varchar

    [re=134695]PrairiePossum[/re]: It takes a congressional impeachment panel to even ATTEMPT to cock-block a Clinton and even then, they fail.

  26. azw88

    [re=134633]iwillsavethispatient[/re]: Well, wasn’t his father in construction? Maybe little Joe played building contractor as a kid instead of baseball. Poor guy never got to first base, but he did get to the penthouse

  27. lorne

    [re=134695]PrairiePossum[/re]:
    The Clinton version:
    “… so the third girl really was afraid of that donkey, and it looked like game over, but then her sister showed up…”

  28. vintageways

    How come if a Republican did this I would think it was disgusting, but since it’s Biden I’m sitting here laughing my ass off?

  29. kmarie08wj

    [re=134625]NoWireHangers[/re]: Those types are at Wal-Mart’s across America, not just Ohio. Majority of Ohio girls have moved past that look.

  30. masterdebater

    [re=134742]vintageways[/re]: Because if it was a Republican it would have involved under aged boys.

  31. PrairiePossum

    [re=134742]vintageways[/re]:

    Because if a Republican attempted it, the scene would be a daycare, not a college dormitory.

  32. the deliverator

    [re=134624]Reefpilot[/re]: holy crap, i know this is late for the post, but i totes just snorted diet coke when i read that. i would say they need a commercial for that, but is bacardi/coke elitist?

  33. heronimule

    Yeah, OU girls are definitely not worth getting arrested over (unless they’re sharing their coke with you).

  34. ohiogal

    [re=134630]ohiolobbyist[/re]: The women at Ohio University are wonderful.

    Aw, shucks.

    Ohio University is known for its Journalism School, binge drinking, and now for Joe Biden’s failed attempt at a threesome. I’m wondering if I can add this last tidbit on my resume when I’m looking for jobs after the New Depression.

  35. Datsun510

    [re=134712]Toomush Infermashun[/re]: They WERE going to eat something. O’Reilly is going to be all over this. He’s so porny it’s hilarious.

  36. Datsun510

    [re=134742]vintageways[/re]: Because he was honest (for the most part). He was admitting to being a horny college kid. No Republican would ever admit to their actual emotions in public. “I am not aroused by thoughts of heterosexual intercourse. I never HAVE been aroused by the thoughts of heterosexual intercourse.”

  37. Mr. Herpes

    Uh oh, get the x-ray machine. When Biden starts telling scenes from “Animal House” as if they actually happened to him, it means the wires in his noggin’ are sparking again. Hope it’s not aneurysm No. 3. Get the electric shock paddles out and slap ‘em on each side of his head till he starts making sense again.

  38. Robbertjan

    This really made my morning. Not just the story but also the comments. Keep it guys, laughed my ass off.

Comments are closed.