Wonkette
Did you know vice-president-for-life Dick Cheney has a heart? He does! It is a little human-hybrid robotic thing under a black chest plate covered in LED lights, and it is always trying to escape — some say it is the heart of a once-happy child, but it might be a pig’s heart, or the heart of a Killer Whale. Anyway, they’re taking Uncle Dick back to the factory hospital today for another overhaul.
For the second time in less than a year, Vice President Dick Cheney will undergo a procedure at George Washington University Hospital to restore his normal heart rhythm.
Experts say the thought of a black man serving as president is driving Cheney absolutely nuts, so he’s about to have a hate-based heart attack. After all, as a congressman Dick Cheney voted against a symbolic resolution demanding that South Africa’s apartheid government free Nelson Mandela, while also voting Nay more than 10 times on sanctions against the white-racist Pretoria regime in South Africa.
Cheney Has Abnormal Heart Rhythm [Fox News]
I usually root for my own O-face, but I’ll cede this one to Cheney for today.
They should have never installed the 1996 model. The rhythms were just WACKY.
Anyhoo, hope you don’t keel over and die, Dick *wink*.
But, Obama and Cheney are related!
I know it’s probably un-American to say so, but I don’t want him to die. I don’t think I could stand two weeks of whitewashed tributes on the cable networks that make him look like some sort of humanitarian. I just want him to fade away and become another irrelevant old white man yelling at teh kidz to get off his lawn.
Please, commenters, for the love of Truck Nutz, follow Ken’s lead and resist the temptation to use ‘Darth’, ‘Lord’, ‘Vader’ and all the rest of the trite labels. Don’t you get it? ‘Dick’ is more than sufficient.
Holy shit thats kinda like martha stewarts vagina in that im suprised they had one
His heart clapped on two and four.
user-of-owls: But dicks are useful.
Cheney stopped having heart attacks after the U.S. invaded Iraq. We are forces to conclude that he finds a lack of bloodshed too stressful to bear.
Irregular heart rhythms aren’t so bad, though. He’ll be back to normal as soon as shoots his doctor in the face.
They are trying for all the sympathy votes. Just kicked Nancy Reagan down a flight of stairs and broke her hip. What’s next? Vote for McCain or we through this puppy off a cliff.
So, who’s running the country whilst he’s unconscious?
Oh, right, that Paulson fellow, as usual.
user-of-owls: Yes! Stick to restrained use of actual photos of Darth Vader’s chest plate!
Are they trying to say Cheney’s heart was normal before??
user-of-owls: tunamelt: It is in fact possible for a dick to bring you pleasure.
MargeSimpsonsBlackFriend: You KNOW Cheney points this out and makes that racist joke about the black man in his family tree.
WagTehGod: Yeah I don’t want him to die now either, I’m hoping he lives to be hanged at the Hague.
tunamelt: Is THAT why we keep telling people to eat a bag of them? RDDA or something?
Huh? Dick Cheney’s heart RUNS ON HATE! This is only making him stronger! His heart was probably running too fast with the new influx.
tunamelt: So, you’re thinking he might croak after all?
And somewhere on a lonely side-street in D.C. or Richmond, or maybe as far away as Atlanta, a bicycle will be found abandoned by the side of the road tonight, or perhaps it a single size six tennis shoe on a sidewalk, or maybe a “perfectly good” basket ball resting against the chain-link fence of a municipal park. And Cheney will emerge from the hospital six hours later, revitalized, a new man.
Takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin’. But will it work under waterboarding?
And Nancy Reagan is in the “hospital” today too. The entire GOP operation is short-circuiting.
You know, I was reading about the asshole Nazi drunk in Austria, when the Cheney newsflash came across the CNN website. I thought, OK, who’s going to complete the ‘bad things happen to horrible people’ trifecta? Who’s it gonna be?
NANCY REAGAN!
If I were Cheney, I know it would be disconcerting if my hear actually started beating.
user-of-owls: Yes. And I will smile in slow satisfaction and smoke a cigarette.
Do tendrils of black mist follow him everywhere, or have I been playing too much WoW lately?
WagTehGod: zactly. If he doesn’t fade away or get all indicted in the next few months (so he can be pardoned, natch) I want him to live to see his dreams shattered come Nov. 4
I hope he recovers, I don’t want him to take the Kenneth Lay way out (by which I mean faking his own death and living on a tropical island with his millions and an assumed name).
Obatma,Beaches!!
~
I can’t wait to render him into something useful, washing the republicans out of congress!
Wait, we already have a vice-president? When did that happen? The election is weeks away!
McCain offered up his best wishes for Cheney and asked that Americans pray for him. Because as, McCain pointed out, 67 years is really very old.
tunamelt: Maybe for you.
Yeah, it’s a pity. He was going to be in nearby Peoria, at a “private in-home rally” (whaa?) for some idiot named Ozinga.
JamesMichaelCurley:
It’s a Wonderful Life, ain’t it? Look, Daddy — Teacher says, for each point McCain drops in the polls, an old-line conservative icon clutches his chest and keels. I’d just looked at cnn.com’s lede list, a few minutes ago, when the top two were
* Nancy Reagan falls, fractures pelvis
* Cheney’s abnormal heart rhythm returns
Well, in America they say that the Dick’s small heart grew three sizes that day.
Then exploded.
The DOW didn’t like this news, just dropped another hundred. HAHA, Who Will Protect You Now?
Looks like someone found the thermal exhaust port.
Sounds like the Lord is up to some vicious smiting.
White guys never have rhythm.
villageatrois: Point.
this is the oct. surprise. he’s just a big baby.
shortsshortsshorts: you’re still alive? i’m glad your rash is not worse.
,,,.
Only a VP Palin, would have us united in saying ‘I miss Dick; he was a swell guy.’
InsidiousTuna: Definitely not for Mary Cheney. Unless synthetics count.
HomoPolitico: Brilliant.
Like other zombies, Cheney’s heart is not vulnerable — you have to go for his head, to have any hope of stopping him.
I don’t understand this. It is well established in the medical literature that frequent consumption of baby flesh can lead to high cholesterol and heart problems.
njdon: I can’t tell if that was an insult or whatever; so in response, what the hell are you talking about?
tunamelt: So, uh, how you doin?
Texan Bulldoggette: I don’t think “she” would miss dick, because under all that lipstick and pit bull exterior “she” secretly has one of her own. That would be TVP, for the sake of accuracy.
InsidiousTuna: I may have to rethink my opinion of you if you don’t find them useful.
All he has to do is get a six-pack of Iraqui baby blood and he’ll be as good as new!
Well, singlehandedly dismantling society can sometimes have serious side effects. I don’t think my HMO covers re-animation, he most have sprang for the PPO, I’ll bet there’s still a copay though.
user-of-owls: *sigh* I guess I should have specified the whole baby blood thing too.
tunamelt: Thank you!
Tawmn: tunamelt: Oh, ladies. Penises are useful. Dicks ask to borrow gas money and drink all your beer.
Gopherit v2.0: I have a feeling we’re getting close to “there are three types of people in the world: dicks, pussies and a-holes…”
When his heart monitor went off, who was tasked with finding a route through the byzantine twists and turns of the bunker to pry the veep out of his pod?
By executive order, all televisions in the hospital will play only Fox News. As dodgy as Dick’s heart is, hearing an opinion he hasn’t written himself could send him over the precipice.
And whoever said they don’t want to be force-ved two weeks of tributes to the dead Cheney? Absolutely. I’m enjoying watching McCain’s freefall. It would be just like Dick Cheney to wipe out the Democrats’ good buzz by dying. Bastard.
WagTehGod: oh, man, yeah, the Nixon funeral and whitewashing were vomitous enough. This would be unbearable.
tunamelt: I agree; Cheney is a slur to all good dicks everywhere.
Gopherit v2.0: Yeah, and kill spiders. And help make that slinky black dress ready for your “fat” days by wearing it when you’re not around.
monty: Wait, how and what do you know about Martha Stewart’s vagina?
sezme: I guess you could poach it in a nice court bouillon. Fragrant bay, fresh lemon, and thyme should remove unwanted “tangs” of any sort. But I don’t want to be in the hunting party.
tunamelt: Then something must be wrong with mine. It just gets me in trouble.
Liverspots: These things always come in threes. If I were Imperial Wizard of the KKK, I would be worried.
“The vice president is doing fine,” Bush said. “…He said this is the exact same procedure he had a while ago. And he was confident, his doctors are confident, and therefore I’m confident.”
If Bush’s past pronouncements are any indicator, Cheney’s a goner.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/10/15/AR2008101501108.html?hpid=topnews
Meh, atrial fibrillation is a super-common rhythm among people “of a certain age”. Call me back when he’s in SVT, because I’d dearly love to be the one pushing that adenosine. As our medics tell patients, “This is going to hurt like a motherfucker …”