mccain is scary!

Elitist ‘Schoolchildren’ Elect Barack Obama

'Spare a thought for the stay-at-home voter, Empty eyes gaze at strange beauty shows'Nothing says “I hate Real Americans” like going to a public school, learning how to read and write, and having some basic knowledge of what’s going on in the world around you. That’s why the elitist “schoolchildren” who took part in the Scholastic Election Poll are obviously in the tank for fancy educated smart guy Barack Obama.

Kids from the first grade all the way to twelfth grade voted in the educational publisher’s poll. Just think about that, for a moment: If a child has some knowledge of a presidential campaign in first grade, we are obviously dealing with a young communist monster who lives in some twisted domestic world of “knowledge” and “current events.” In other words, a tiny terrorist bred by a terror cell.

And if a child is still in school during his or her senior year, well that’s surely not the kind of kid you want constantly sticking his penis in your 15-year-old daughter and getting her pregnant. Real American kids knock up their teen-age gals no later than their junior year, and then get forced into a nationally televised shotgun wedding by the creepy jesus-freak dingbat baby farmer mother, and then drop out of high school and go to work in the oil fields, before their eighteenth birthday, because that’s how we do it in this country.

Let’s see, what else? Oh! The Scholastic kids voted for Handsome Uncle Barry 57-39 over creepy old Grandpa Depends. That is what you call a landslide victory! And ever since Scholastic started this stunt 68 years ago, the kids have only been wrong twice, in two famously close races: They picked Dewey over Truman in 1948 (as did the liberal media), and they picked Nixon over Kennedy in 1960, as did the actual voters until Old Joe Kennedy started calling in Chicago favors.

Some 250,000 kids took part in this year’s fun poll. So now you know about how many kids currently in the primary education system will come out with a basic knowledge of current events and maybe some simple reading/writing/math skills, a quarter-million out of 75.5 million.

This is also a useful predicator for the exact ratio of libtards and wingnuts you can expect to be arguing on the cable news and the blogs in the coming decades: 57% will be in the tank, and a stubborn 39% will still be calling Social Security and Medicare terrorist organizations run by Al Qaeda/Cuba/Chavez/Communists/Greens or whatever new enemy they make up, probably Moon Monsters, which are at least real things.

Obama Wins Scholastic News Election Poll [Scholastic News]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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88 comments

  1. yorktronic

    My ten year old nephew voted for McCain. His reasoning: “I heard someone say Obama is half-muslim.”

    I cried.

  2. Deepthroat

    My parents like to tell the story of when I was about five years old, just after the ’84 election, I came up to them and asked, “what ever happened to Mondale?” Whatever happened to Mondale indeed. I think he’s Japanese now…

  3. ihasasad

    I hope they thanked Track also who is over there fighting so they don’t fight over here for the privilege to be able to even vote in such a way that doesn’t count praise the lord

  4. Q2

    “Ayers will come up at debate, McCain says”
    CNN Political Ticker – 45 minutes ago

    Johnny…guess you never played football eh?…don’t telegraph your moves moran.

  5. Liverspots

    Obama also won the Scholastic electoral college vote, after Hannah Montana’s three electoral votes put him over the edge.

  6. Scarab

    The internals indicate that the kids liked Obama’s economic plan but felt that McCain was a ‘poopy-head.’

  7. Min

    Well, no wonder. McCain is kinda scary looking. Kids probably expect him to blurt out “Fe fi fo fum”, at some point.

  8. WadISay

    If the kids “picked Dewey over Truman in 1940,” they really were dumbskis, since that race was in 1948.

  9. blader

    wtf!?!?!

    I call voter fraud. There are probably well over 100,000 (a tenth of a million) illegal aliens among those voters.

  10. Iggy Plop

    Oh, sure, black Jesus supports Obama. Didn’t we already learn that from the Florida lawn signs?

  11. Viva la Cynthia

    [re=133143]Deepthroat[/re]: I voted for Dukakis in my class when I was 6…I think my reasoning involved his eyebrows. I was not such an astute child as you.

  12. Sara in the West

    My seven year old daughter told me that she’s for Barack Obama because he would be the first black president and that would be historic!

    I love her.

  13. JadedDIssonance

    [re=133137]MISTAHCOUGHDROP[/re]: grrrr. I don’t care about your racist crayons.

    I have an Obama Bumper Sticker on my Bike Helmet…it has turned my daily commute into a highly partisan affair. I have to watch out for Mercedes and BMW SUVs particularly. All the hoop-dees yell encouraging things from their impossible-to-budge windows. Yes, my friends, this election is all about class-warfare.

  14. Bay Area Blue

    I think it’s because McCain looks, sounds, and acts like a pedophile. The 39% that picked McCain are doing what they’re told so their parents won’t hate them for being touched in the bad places. The rest know better because they saw Obama’s video on how to identify and stay away from pedophiles.


  15. Post author
    Ken Layne

    [re=133155]WadISay[/re]: Whoops! The Scholastic poll started in 1940, I meant to say by combining several sentences.

  16. Cogito Ergo Bibo

    They just don’t like scary Grampa with his old man smell. Fair enough. Less old man smell in the White House!

  17. WWJGD

    [re=133160]Sara in the West[/re]: That logic is as faulty as NOT voting for Obama because he’s black. At least she’s 7.

  18. mookworthjwilson

    Everyone knows that Scholastic is actually a front for the Islamofascist/Marxist cabal that will come to rule the country after Hopey paints the White House black…It’s the sister publication of the Daily Worker.

  19. nietzscheprojectile

    [re=133169]tunamelt[/re]: Yeah. That’s the same reason I voted for Reagan in the second grade which then led to a playground shoving match with a Carter supporter with me yelling Peanut farmer and him yelling Actor! Sigh. And then I grew up and have now convinced my mother to vote for Obama.

  20. MISTAHCOUGHDROP

    [re=133163]JadedDIssonance[/re]: Mr JadedDissonance, but they’re edible! I mean non-toxic. Do you really get in trouble on your bike? I have a Vespa (yes at 9 years old in Paris you can drive a Vespa). Can you mail me an Obama sticker? All of France, including Carla Bruni is for Hopey.

  21. Beef Supreme

    The kids probably think Obama is some “hippity hop” rapper, which is the music they all listen to today, I am told.

  22. Terry

    My 6 yr old niece reminded us the other day out of nowhere that Jesus had brown skin and curly black hair. We’re looking forward to her telling that to a few racist in-laws.

  23. 2druk2phluq

    What we really need to worry about are all the kindergarten porn stars Barry is going to create with his program “Teach “Em How To Get Sum Young.” The laid off adult porn stars are going to riot, and Larry Flynt is going to reveal his secret private army.

  24. StrangelyBrown

    What’s with that Colorado result? McCain 61 – Obama 36? Are the wingnuts the only ones who reproduce out there, or did they limit their poll to schools with the word “Compound” and/or “Free” in the name?

  25. JimBob

    Obviously these kids are too immature to know what’s good for them–how ’bout let’s *raise* the voting age. We can start with 21 and work our way up from there until no-one who is not eligible to collect social (in)security has any say in the election…oh wait, that’s already true!

  26. ihasasad

    [re=133173]WWJGD[/re]: Not true. This 7 year old understood that there have been nothing but white men in the white house. This 7 year old understood that someone who has made it to the top of one of the tickets is trusted enough by at least half the population to lead the country. This 7 year old sees the historic significance. A 7 year old voting against the black one is 700 billion times faultier. That. Is. All.

  27. El Bombastico

    Let’s keep this in perspective. Third place was write-in for “Dora the Explorer.” Come to think of it, she will be in third in the real election, doubling Cynthia McKinney’s totals.

  28. ManchuCandidate

    Kids aren’t stupid. They know Repubs are more likely to touch them in their no-no places which is why they vote Demrat.

  29. Sara in the West

    [re=133173]WWJGD[/re]: True. My discussions about his tax plan never seemed to matter as much to her as I had hoped. She still believes in Santa. I think she is a novice liberal but I like her sense of history for being 7.

  30. StrangelyBrown

    [re=133210]ManchuCandidate[/re]: …and that’s why they oppose Barry’s plan to teach sex ed to kindergartners.

  31. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Those stupid grade-school kids and their elitist cocktail parties. Why do they hate America so much?

  32. JoeFannyPack

    [re=133205]El Bombastico[/re]: I liked the episode where Dora hopped over three rocks to get from Alaska to Russia before they imprisoned and tortured her to get information about that tough Palin woman.

  33. Sassette

    Clearly this poll was taken at the same Muslim terrorist training camp where little Barry learned to make Hope bombs as a child.

  34. magic titty

    Was Bob Barr on these ballots? If not, this was not a fair representation!
    Or was there a picture of him next to the word “Other”?

  35. Sara in the West

    [re=133197]StrangelyBrown[/re]: Colorado is totally overrun with charter schools which are fully of little neo-cons-in-training. I get looks of pity when I tell other mothers that my kids go to public schools. They don’t know that I secretly pity them.

  36. HedonismBot

    70% of the little elitists also correctly identified the fundamental tenets of the Bush Doctrine.

  37. WonderWomyn

    My students are all freaking out about “the environment” I just laugh at them since I’ll be dead by the time that it matters. Ha ha ha! They are 10th graders and like Obama best since “at lest he KNOWS there’s a problem.” But, they don’t think that even Obama is doing nearly enough.

    “We are so screwed.” They said to me the other day.

    Oh. And they blame the old people all of us. They think we really messed up.

    I’m like “OK I’m recycling and stuff stop glaring at me!”

    Damn kids.

  38. jagorev

    until Old Joe Kennedy started calling in Chicago favors.

    And Barack Obama was already a twinkle in his father’s eyes in November, 1960. Why hasn’t Barack Obama denounced these Chicago tactics that took place before his conception? What else don’t we know about his pre-embryonic days, HMMMM?

  39. Woodwards Friend

    This “Scholastic” outfit is clearly in the tank for Obama. Their name comes from ancient Greek and the ancient Greeks were well known Godless secularist humanists and also gay. Not the good Mark Foley/Larry Craig kind of gay either but the really nasty Barney Frank/Andrew Sullivan kind of gay. These “Greeks” could have been Muslin terrorists too but the records were destroyed so we don’t really know. But ask youself this, my friends, do you really want to take that chance?

  40. TGY

    “Suffer little children to come unto me.”
    -J.H.C via Luke 18.16.

    “Hey, you kids, get off my lawn or I’ll make you suffer!”
    -J.S.M.

    “The winner: Senator Barack Obama.”
    -Scholastic Presidential Election Poll

    I think it’s pretty consistent.

  41. sati demise

    [re=133260]WonderWomyn[/re]: Interesting!
    I remember my high school biology teacher saying something about the environment and then Carter tried to ‘do something’, but then Reagan had a big ‘taking the solar panel off the White House Party’, then nobody did anything. Later on, Bush said ‘fuc* you’ to Kyoto, whoever that is. The end.

  42. WWJGD

    [re=133200]ihasasad[/re]: Actually I don’t think she knew she was talking about the president. She probably just thought it was one of those picture puzzles where you have to pick the one that doesn’t belong.

    [re=133220]Sara in the West[/re]: Obama and Santa tend to have a lot in common once you get past the jolly white man vs jolly black man barrier. I’d say their tax/economic plans are similar, too. Make toys appear out of nowhere by magic.

  43. Deepthroat

    I had a traumatic experience in second grade when I got reprimanded for calling Dan Quayle, “Dan Snail.” Man, I was clever.

  44. Deepthroat

    And i hate to do an ass-to-ass post, but methinks we have a Paultard in WWJGD. “What would John Galt do?” and mentions of faulty logic, not that there’s anything wrong with logic, but I detect a certain je ne sais quoi…

  45. blackdontcrack

    When I was in elementary school, we voted Jesse Jackson as our president!!! And there weren’t even any Black kids in school! Truly progressive in 198whateveritwas.

    Then we all learned how to be Racist and now we hate Black people.

  46. Lascauxcaveman

    Haha! The kids at the terrorist muslim madrassa, Qofa School, where my kids are training to be little suicide bombers (http://qofaschool.org/) also elected the Muslin half-breed dude!

    They don’t know they’re supposed to hate teh babykillers!

    (The link is to the school website, not the straw vote results.)

  47. pat robertsons personal trainer

    My 7th grade math teacher once remarked at how much he liked Tom Harkin’s higher ed program (four years of public service gets you four years of college). Suddenly, all of his glaring at my girlfriend’s ass was a little less problematic. (Angie, don’t go to the blackboard again.)

  48. Lascauxcaveman

    Aw, man. Screwed up my link http://qofaschool.org/ It’s kind of a lame website anyway. But I like how the name of the link makes it sound Arabic. Because, that’s the whole joke … aw, nevermind.

    I suck.

  49. Profesora R

    All the kids I know are crazy about Obama! When my 9 year old watched the 1st debate with me (no, I didn’t have a gun to her head), her first comment about McCain was “That guy looks really old” (perceptive, no?) Later she told me she had trouble following what McCain was trying to say (don’t we all).

  50. AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=133159]Viva la Cynthia[/re]: I was one of two Democrats in my middle school who voted for Dukakis. I was 12. My ass was roundly kicked. The other Dem, although fat, was not asthmatic, and able to run pretty fast.

  51. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=133514]Profesora R[/re]: My terrist 8-year-old watched the second debate with me. Her comment was “Why does that old guy keep saying ‘My Friends’? Its just REAAALLY ANNOOOOYYYING!”

    Oh how I luvs my kids.

  52. Sara in the West

    [re=133379]WWJGD[/re]: Actually, she did know. She’s been following the race since the Iowa caucuses & really wants the Iraq war to end & understands as much as a 7 year can the destructive nature of bigotry. Go pick on someone your own size. End of my mother bear speech.

  53. azw88

    As the person that broke this news on Wonkette this am, I have special insight:

    The kids all said that McCain reminds them of their grandpa, and all of them hava grandpa that is meaner than a rabid dog and smells like old-people shit…. and they don’t want MCain in the White House, because Dolly Madison worked hard to save Washington’s portrait from the British, there is just no getting rid of old-people stench.

  54. S.Luggo

    [re=133183]nietzscheprojectile[/re]: To call someone an “actor” is worse. It means that the person’s only skill is waiting on tables.

  55. azw88

    [re=133658]S.Luggo[/re]: Wrong!! That is just plain mean, insulting, and degrading!

    Sometimes, they have to bus the tables and wash the dishes too!

  56. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=133672]azw88[/re]: And! Most of the ones I know can roll a damn fine joint. Nice and fat and tight, with a perfect draw.

  57. Datsun510

    [re=133262]jagorev[/re]: win
    [re=133276]Woodwards Friend[/re]:Also win
    (Is it okay to have two wins? I’m not sure what the rules are.)

  58. Weeping Jesus

    I approve of this message. And I approve of my photo, because my teeth are so white against my healthy tan.

  59. ivenson

    [re=133143]Deepthroat[/re]: In 1980, I spent a lot of my time (with my parents) at the local campaign headquarters of John Anderson for President. Never have quite recovered.

  60. ivenson

    [re=133159]Viva la Cynthia[/re]: My daughter (who was tiny at the time) loved Dukakkis. She said she liked him because he looked like a Muppet.

  61. PoJunk

    I loved that Scholastic thing. I remember doing it back in 1987; that’s the first political memory I have. Since then, I’ve been avoiding obligations like school work or work work to read political columns and now blogs! Scholastic is a gateway to wasting time.

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