cocktober

Mark Foley’s Replacement Was Doing This Non-Wife Person

THIRTEEN DAYS, people, THIRTEEN DAYS it took this year to hear about some sweet Cocktober 2008 action. People just aren’t having as much inappropriate scandal sex this year, who knows why, maybe because of the Surge. But. The man on the left is Democratic Congressman Tim Mahoney of Florida, famous for ousting perhaps the greatest Cocktoberist of all, gay child-fucker Mark Foley, in 2006. Mahoney defeated Mark Foley with a brilliant platform of being a living human who was not Mark Foley. But now Mahoney will lose that seat back to the Republicans, because he’s been fucking that “thing” on the right and paying it hush-up money.

Mahoney hired to his Congressional staff this… this creature, a Patricia Allen. “Patricia.” How clever. Let’s go with “Pat” instead.

So Mahoney hired Pat and for years they would give each other blowjobs and Cleveland Steamers in secret. It was a good time for all and the economy was faring well.

Pat later cut off the affair after hearing that Mahoney was fucking other creatures in Washington, such as giraffes and tortoises and lobsters and kangaroos. Any reasonable person would be furious to hear that the man you’re sleeping with could very well have Lobster AIDS, Marsupial Gonorrhea or “Tort-Warts.”

(Somewhere in all this mess Mahoney had a standard wife/kids/dog thing going on, but who doesn’t these days, what with the Internet et al &c.)

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Then Mahoney fired Pat’s ass, leading to a comical telephone call (excerpted):

MAHONEY: No you were not. You’re fired. You’re fired. Call whatsher name up and do it. You’re fired. I don’t want to talk about it any more. I’m not negotiating with you anymore. You’re done. Ok? So call Cherry tomorrow and if you don’t, you you won’t get your last paycheck. Ok? And let me tell you something else. If I find out you say anything else, you won’t get your last paycheck.

ALLEN: Like what? What do you think I’m going to say?

MAHONEY: I don’t give a ****, ok? But if you say anything, you won’t get your last paycheck.

ALLEN: I’m owed also my expenses. As well as money out of my pocket at church today.

MAHONEY: I’ll take care of all of that when you do your job. OK? You want to keep negotiating?

ALLEN: I thought I didn’t have a job. What job am I supposed to do to get my expenses?

MAHONEY: Just fill out your expense report and I’ll pay you off, pay all your expenses. And you’re done. Ok? You can’t call me. You’re don’t understand me. Ok? You keep pissin’ me off because every time I get you on the phone you keep telling me I’m wrong.

ALLEN: You are wrong.

MAHONEY: Oh I’m wrong. Guess what? You don’t have a job. Ok? You’re right and you don’t have a job. Guess what? How does that make you feel?

ALLEN: I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

MAHONEY: No you weren’t.

ALLEN: And I did a very good job. I did everything I was supposed to do.

MAHONEY: You did a **** job and you’re fired.

ALLEN: And you’re firing me for other reasons and you’re not man enough to say it. Why don’t you say it? Why don’t you say it and be a man for once?

Then Pat sued him and received $121,000 and a job in a settlement.

With this sterling news, the Republican party will win a total of one (1) race against incumbent Democrats in the totality of 2008 federal government elections. They will lose it again in 2010, however, when Mahoney’s replacement is caught in a bondage-themed threesome, at T.G.I. Friday’s, with Charlie Crist and his new “wife,” who is Pat.

Foley Successor Embroiled In Own Allegations of Misconduct [TPM Muckraker]

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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118 comments

  1. mattbolt

    Are they sure that wasn’t a Donald Trump impersonator circa 2004 on the phone? Were they doing little snake-jabs with their hand to punctuate every time he goes “Yerfired!”

    “You did a fuckin’ good job and you’re fired.” Shit. That’s a good line.

  2. grendel

    Let’s put some saltpeter in the water down there… Is the whole district rutting every waking hour? Pace yourselves, people!

  3. Serolf Divad

    God, why can’t I have people that work at my pleasure? Those politicians have all the fun, getting pleasured all the time and all that.

  4. CrabtreesBludgeon

    “They will lose it again in 2010, however, when Mahoney’s replacement is caught in a bondage-themed threesome, at T.G.I. Friday’s, with Charlie Crist and his new “wife,” who is Pat.”

    That just reminded me that it’s gonne get real boring around here when the Dems lock down every elected position in the country. Where are we gonna get our dirty buttsecks scandals? I haz a sad.

  5. shoeho

    Ah, yes. I reside here in the Florida 16th. Everyone who was not living chez double-wide in the wilderness knew Foley was gay, but as most here are “country club” Repubs, no one gave a sh*t.

    The page thing was a little much, and most couldn’t pull the lever for Mark (he was still on the ballot, although withdrawn from the race) w/o thinking of their 16 year old son in an icky sorta way. So he lost. And we got Tim. Who couldn’t keep his pants zipped for two freakin’ YEARS? Now, we will get some scion of the Rooney’s of Pittsburgh. Jeebus. I mean, Jeebus F’ing Christ.

    Vodka, neat, stat.

  6. Cogito Ergo Bibo

    Yay! There’s audio at that link!

    “The only person that matters is guess who? Me. You understand that. That is how life really is. That is how it works,” Mahoney can be heard yelling on the call to Allen.

    I’m thinking that’s on a lawyer’s list of “Things Not To Say When Talking To an Ex-Employee You Screwed and Fired.”

  7. Truculent

    Such a sensitive man. I bet he always made sure she was satisfied, every time he jammed her head into the janitor’s sink in the closet and back-doored her.

  8. queeraselvis v 2.0

    Would someone please tell Barney Frank that his wig is on crooked? Oh, and he’s wearing WAY too much eyeshadow.

  9. Gopherit v2.0

    You could replace the names with Walnuts and Bill Kristol, and I’d find it equally believable.

  10. Texan Bulldoggette

    “ALLEN: I’m owed also my expenses. As well as money out of my pocket at church today.”

    What the hell kind of church does she go to? Everyone I know who goes to church gives a couple bucks in the bowl & hurriedly passes the bowl to the next cheapskate. What, she wants her $2 back?

  11. Keram2

    [re=132010]mattbolt[/re]: I can’t believe Important People actually talk like that. I thought it was something made up in the movies like Batman.

  12. shoeho

    [re=132021]grendel[/re]: This is the most boring place on earth. No one has sex here, which is why they head to DC. It’s really the “white bread” capitol of Florida. Well, where I live anyway on the east coast. It’s a gerrymandered district, goes all the way from the Atlantic coast to the Gulf in a narrow strip–the better to be as red as can be, dontcha know. God, I don’t believe Boringsville FL is going to be notorious AGAIN!

  13. Cogito Ergo Bibo

    “Okay, fine. You’re right. You’re right and you don’t have a job. How does that make you feel?”

    Like I’m well-rid of a total and literal DICK of a boss?

  14. Tra

    Dear Florida Democratic leaders,

    Why don’t you do us a favor and ALL go find new jobs, you incompetent idiots.

  15. slappypaddy

    Tort-Warts, oh, how the sad memories all come rushing back. You can get those from lawsuits, too, you know. It takes three blind witches who share one eye to bubble up a pot of toil and trouble to get rid of those. So kiddies, be careful where you put your whatsits. And turn off all recording devices, if you can find them all.

  16. dano

    Alright now, if you’re married and want to cheat, ( you doesn’t?) then there are rules you have to follow:

    Rule #1: She has to be younger than your wife.
    Rule #2: She has to be better looking than your wife.
    Rule #3: She has to be willing to do crazy weird stuff that your wife hasn’t even heard about.
    Rule #4: Never, ever bang someone who works for you!

  17. BeamMeUpMrSpeaker

    25 comments and no one has brought up the fact that this is Kathryn Harris in that picture. Seriously

  18. Paterlanger

    Page-chaser vs. Wattle-chaser. What’s the difference? The former had the polished phone manners of a predator. The latter has all the etiquette of a Taco Bell night shift manager. You stay classy, Florida.

  19. ihasasad

    “As well as money out of my pocket at church today.” I heart peeps who go to church…and fuck married peeps.

  20. OzoneTom

    He was a Republican, but Rahm Emmanuel convinced him to run as a Democrat to prevent an actual progressive Democrat from winning that seat.

  21. Deepthroat

    @dano – you are correct, sir… although do we know what his actual wife looks like? Based on these common sense guidelines, i shudder to think what horrible deformity that broad must have!

  22. bloodsprite

    Opposite sex and of age… democrats are sooo boring and only cheat on their wives with women that are old enough to consent; its so much more entertaining when they are under age or the same gender. And is it me or is it that democrats are happy to settle for a little frumpy if it gets them laid (i.e. Monika)?

    But in his defense his wife isn’t a beauty queen either (their all republican anyways and McCain has the monopoly on beauty queens what with his first wife, his second wife and VP all being beauty queens there are none left for democrats).

    wife photo:
    http://cache.daylife.com/imageserve/03rd2sO7rIaEf/610x.jpg

  23. Dave J.

    Call what’s her name in Anchorage, Alaska if you want to keep on thinkin’ like y’know that I’m not being fair or somehow this is a negotiation.

    OMFG, is that a PALIN shoutout?!?!?!?

  24. Cogito Ergo Bibo

    I wonder if she gave him money for the collection plate at church. That might explain what’s going on with requesting it back.

  25. AnnieGetYourFun

    Sigh. When will men learn? You can’t fuck the women you work with. Period. You want a mistress? Fine. Locate a slutty woman (like me) who likes married men and has no course to sue you over employment matters. The only thing interesting about this affair is what a jerk he is, and even that gets old, fast.

  26. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=132092]bloodsprite[/re]: Gotta give the wife props for sporting some sassy Blu-Blockers, tho!

  27. freakishlystrong

    Y’know, that picture, and the sexy talk, and the thought of THEM having sex, and Dubya on the John, shitting out Iraqi babies as really put me off my feed..

  28. Joey Ratz

    “Pat later cut off the affair after hearing that Mahoney was fucking other creatures in Washington, such as giraffes and tortoises and lobsters and kangaroos. Any reasonable person would be furious to hear that the man you’re sleeping with could very well have Lobster AIDS, Marsupial Gonorrhea or “Tort-Warts.””

    Dude, lighten up. Who wouldn’t want to fuck this lobster:

    http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/4785482.stm

  29. TeddyS

    Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. In a time we need every House seat we can get, this idiot unzips his brain. He deserves to lose and be held up to ridicule and scorn. Thanks a lot, Congressman. You make us all proud.

  30. obfuscator

    [re=132033]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: His statement there almost gets him into Tony Montana territory.

  31. Special Agent Jack Mehoff

    [re=132030]Packherd[/re]: No, but i suggest you just leave well enough alone because if you try to find out aboput the Alabama Hot Pocket or the Rusty Trombone, yuo’re going down FO SHO.

  32. StripesAndPlaids

    [re=132117]Joey Ratz[/re]: Oh man that is one sexy crustacean. Like a stripper wearing a feather boa.

  33. Hairy Reed

    [re=132030]Packherd[/re]: No, but the two of us now are going to have weird questions from the boss when the IT guys go through the web traffic.

  34. GDTRFB

    Does our friend Twenty Dollar Bob live in this congressional district, and if so, when he is eligible for parole?

  35. btwbfdimho

    She was paid $120,000 because after receiving ten golden showers you qualify for a golden parachute.

  36. btwbfdimho

    [re=131996]Nathalie08[/re]: There is also a McCain dildo that shakes and blinks out of control all the time, so it’s battery-free, easier to operate and doesn’t increase your carbon footprint.

  37. dano

    [re=132120]Guppy06[/re]: Perhaps difficult, but not impossible. If you can’t follow all 4 rules, don’t bother. It’s not worth it, that’s what porn is for.

  38. Deepthroat

    @Annie – agreed with the older authority figure fetish… daddy didn’t love me :( Hey, how old is Ken anyway?

  39. Hedley Lamar

    I’m pretty sure that pic of her is taken in a wind tunnel.

    He doesn’t look blown at all, however.

    Bada bing.

  40. azw88

    [re=131996]Nathalie08[/re]: Wonder if Palin bought one and that is why she is oh so kind about Obama in her speeches lately. It is hard to call someone a terrorist when his likeness is way up there in your whoo-whoo vibrating away like a jackhammer.

  41. S.Luggo

    In 2004 it occured to Evangelical Christian Timmay that Mark Foley was as likely to step down and as get caught in bed with a Congressional Page. Tim then switched from Repug to Demrat and ran against Foley in 2006.

  42. Gopherit v2.0

    How can their be a heterosexual politician from South Beach? The Mind reels?

    Oh, yeah. [re=132163]Baldeagle79[/re]: Up your game. We expect more from our trolls here.

  43. Special Agent Jack Mehoff

    [re=132163]Baldeagle79[/re]: What the FUCK are you talking about? You’re supposed to rip us for stuff we’re actually doing. That way we can respond to the statement with something besides questioning your sanity. Thanks for having the Reagan avatar by the way. It always raises my spirits to remember that union busting douchenozzle is burning in hellas we speak.

  44. Truculent

    [re=132168]Baldeagle79[/re]: That’s a comment, a riposte? A web link? Dude, they snack on lightweights like popcorn here. Come heavy or don’t come at all.

  45. AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=132168]Baldeagle79[/re]: I can tell that the snark here is much too difficult for you to comphrehend, so please return to your own awesome blog with its awesome color scheme and complain about “the ultra leftists” like Joe Biden. Fucktard.

  46. S.Luggo

    [re=132180]S.Luggo[/re]: As cruel fate and those glue-sniffers at Wonkette would have it, county Repubs in Oct. 2006 yanked (so to speak) Foley from the ticket (some problem with overdue library books I hear) and put Negron in his place. Because “Negron” sounds like, well you know, ahem … “mulatto”, in W. Palm Beach the ofays decided to stay at the country, sip sherry and eat bisquits rather than vote. Timbo won (with NRA support).

    [re=132163]Baldeagle79[/re]: As a (former?) Repugtard, Mahoney was un-prepared for the sudden surge of manly-man, lusty-lust hormones when he switched parties 2004. He then began humping everything in a skirt, including, it seems, a few sofa legs.

    If you can stand the sexytime, don’t go into kitchen, or something. Whatever.

  47. Gopherit v2.0

    Part of me wonders if this is the best October surprise the McCain campaign could find. Fuck, when you can’t even guarantee a republican florida, you might as well take fistful of tylenol.

  48. Special Agent Jack Mehoff

    [re=132168]Baldeagle79[/re]: Yeah i know right? What kind of free thinking asshole talks bad about a guy who’s turned out to be a douche no matter what his party affiliation? The nerve of them. Also, if they were republicans they would NEVER turn on a politician embroiled in a sex scandle, amiright?

  49. lawrenceofthedesert

    I happen to remember Cleveland Steamers, who was a cornerback for the Chicago Bears in 1963; it was grossly unfair to drag him into this.

  50. LittlePig

    [re=132036]Truculent[/re]: every time he jammed her head into the janitor’s sink in the closet and back-doored her.

    Making that distinction is a bit tricky on that creature.

  51. AbeServer

    Memo for Eliot Spitzer’s hooker:

    Women who look like “Patricia” are getting $121,000 for screwing politicians in Florida. Head south, Girl. You could make millions.

  52. slappypaddy

    [re=132163]Baldeagle79[/re]: My fine feathered friend, you’re going to have to swim harder if you’re going to reach bottom ahead of Palin and McCain. You can do it. When you get there, take a deep breath.

  53. Baldeagle79

    More examples of liberal intellectualism…take a deep breath? Seriously, slappy. You so crazy!

    By the way, knuckleheads, the DEMOCRATIC House of Representatives controls the national purse, and has for 2 years. Deficits can be fixed with one simple vote on a budget. The Debt is a different story, and it won’t be solved by adding $800 billion in spending programs.

    Got any specifics? Libs sure don’t! Check it out: http://offeringcommonsense.blogspot.com/2008/10/obamas-supporters-and-specific.html

  54. AnglRdr

    And you’re firing me for other reasons and you’re not man enough to say it. Why don’t you say it? Why don’t you say it and be a man for once?

    I like her. I wonder if he has some sort of ED problem that she is just too much of a lady to say outloud.

  55. Truculent

    [re=132419]Baldeagle79[/re]: Another Web link. Brilliant. Star quality. Ken — make this idiot a featured commenter. It takes more than two years to do the damage Bushy and his boys have done. By the time the Dems took over, the ship had already hit the iceberg. You could look it up, as Yogi says

  56. Kev-O-Tron

    [re=132419]Baldeagle79[/re]: Does that link go to your very own blog? I can go there and read common sense?

    I’ll be right there as soon as I’m done shoving ice picks in my ears. Actually I went there two hours ago. Boring. Wonketteers look out! Baldeagle79 is into lifting weights! He might be a tough guy. Oh wait he says his favorite band is Counting Crows. nevermind.

  57. slomojoe

    So, he was a Republican until 04. If he had stayed in the GOP, party guidelines would have mandated that he be caught banging a drag queen midget on speed, but having switched to the Democratic party, he had to settle for the closest thing he could find among his female employees. That explains it, I think.

  58. glamourdammerung

    [re=132419]Baldeagle79[/re]: Does “intellectualism” include being able to post about the actual topic of the thread? Or are you going to answer with yet another plug for your shitty blog?

    I realise that you probably have a lot of moral outrage about Tim Mahoney, especially as he was having sex with a member of the opposite sex who was of legal age and even consented.

  59. rocktonsammy

    I thought Tammy Faye was dead.

    I’d hit that, just to learn something.

    Maybe its just a bad picture.

  60. picyou

    That’s just the kind of weasely male, not-horny-right-this-very-second crap my ex-wife used to complain about. Hey! I could be a U.S. Senator!

  61. picyou

    Representative, not senator. I got him mixed up with the bathroom stall guy. That was a different trick, right?

  62. azw88

    Preemptive Strike from Mahoney!

    Now his opponent can complain he is covering it up. Brilliant move. The ethics committee won’t have time to investigate and when they do meet, they can censure him or he can have his campaign manager fall on his sword..

    makes you proud to be a Democrat, since it is usually the Republican that are this sleazy

  63. Texas2Step

    [re=132056]tinybubbles[/re]: What’s the chance of there being an earthquake, and the state of Florida falling off into the sea before the election?

  64. Texas2Step

    You know how they say when you’ve spent a long time with your spouse, you start to look alike? I think he’s been spending more time with Pat, based on the picture.

  65. zhubajie

    [re=132031]CrabtreesBludgeon[/re]: They’ll start getting caught with Chinese hookers, etc.

    Zhu Bajie

  66. LuckyJim

    YOU STOPPED BEFORE THE BEST PART!! The phone call continued with this:

    ALLEN: I don’t have to listen to this shit.

    MAHONEY: You certainly don’t, pal, ’cause the good news is, you’re fired. In this month’s job performance contest, as you know, first prize is a Cadillac Eldorado. Want to see second prize? Second prize’s a set of steak knives. Third prize is you’re fired. Put that coffee down!! Coffee’s for closers only. Do you think I’m fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. I’m here from downtown…

    (apologies to D.M.)

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