THIRTEEN DAYS, people, THIRTEEN DAYS it took this year to hear about some sweet Cocktober 2008 action. People just aren’t having as much inappropriate scandal sex this year, who knows why, maybe because of the Surge. But. The man on the left is Democratic Congressman Tim Mahoney of Florida, famous for ousting perhaps the greatest Cocktoberist of all, gay child-fucker Mark Foley, in 2006. Mahoney defeated Mark Foley with a brilliant platform of being a living human who was not Mark Foley. But now Mahoney will lose that seat back to the Republicans, because he’s been fucking that “thing” on the right and paying it hush-up money.
Mahoney hired to his Congressional staff this… this creature, a Patricia Allen. “Patricia.” How clever. Let’s go with “Pat” instead.
So Mahoney hired Pat and for years they would give each other blowjobs and Cleveland Steamers in secret. It was a good time for all and the economy was faring well.
Pat later cut off the affair after hearing that Mahoney was fucking other creatures in Washington, such as giraffes and tortoises and lobsters and kangaroos. Any reasonable person would be furious to hear that the man you’re sleeping with could very well have Lobster AIDS, Marsupial Gonorrhea or “Tort-Warts.”
(Somewhere in all this mess Mahoney had a standard wife/kids/dog thing going on, but who doesn’t these days, what with the Internet et al &c.)
Then Mahoney fired Pat’s ass, leading to a comical telephone call (excerpted):
MAHONEY: No you were not. You’re fired. You’re fired. Call whatsher name up and do it. You’re fired. I don’t want to talk about it any more. I’m not negotiating with you anymore. You’re done. Ok? So call Cherry tomorrow and if you don’t, you you won’t get your last paycheck. Ok? And let me tell you something else. If I find out you say anything else, you won’t get your last paycheck.
ALLEN: Like what? What do you think I’m going to say?
MAHONEY: I don’t give a ****, ok? But if you say anything, you won’t get your last paycheck.
ALLEN: I’m owed also my expenses. As well as money out of my pocket at church today.
MAHONEY: I’ll take care of all of that when you do your job. OK? You want to keep negotiating?
ALLEN: I thought I didn’t have a job. What job am I supposed to do to get my expenses?
MAHONEY: Just fill out your expense report and I’ll pay you off, pay all your expenses. And you’re done. Ok? You can’t call me. You’re don’t understand me. Ok? You keep pissin’ me off because every time I get you on the phone you keep telling me I’m wrong.
ALLEN: You are wrong.
MAHONEY: Oh I’m wrong. Guess what? You don’t have a job. Ok? You’re right and you don’t have a job. Guess what? How does that make you feel?
ALLEN: I was exactly where I was supposed to be.
MAHONEY: No you weren’t.
ALLEN: And I did a very good job. I did everything I was supposed to do.
MAHONEY: You did a **** job and you’re fired.
ALLEN: And you’re firing me for other reasons and you’re not man enough to say it. Why don’t you say it? Why don’t you say it and be a man for once?
Then Pat sued him and received $121,000 and a job in a settlement.
With this sterling news, the Republican party will win a total of one (1) race against incumbent Democrats in the totality of 2008 federal government elections. They will lose it again in 2010, however, when Mahoney’s replacement is caught in a bondage-themed threesome, at T.G.I. Friday’s, with Charlie Crist and his new “wife,” who is Pat.
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