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Fruit![A new annual Wonkette tradition starts today, to honor Columbus Day: re-posting this thing Editor Ken Layne wrote last year about history’s greatest American, Christopher Columbus. It is the definitive historical account. You can read all of your comments from last year, and then make new comments! — Ed. Jim]

Christopher Columbus, which means “Our Lord’s Anus” in Portuguese, was a famous wingnut racist who didn’t even know where he came from, but he was hired by a shadowy cabal of Spaniards and the Knights Templar to find an easier route to the emerging economies of Communist China, because the Islamo-Fascists had blown up the highway to Afghanistan!

Because “Cristóbal Colón” couldn’t even do basic math, he “computed” that the world was about seven miles around. So if he sailed west across the Atlantic, surely he would end up in Hong Kong in like four days. Everyone thought this was a great idea, in Spain. So the Knights Templar loaded all of Jesus’ mulatto children aboard Miss Maria’s Ford Pinto and off they sailed on the world’s first shitty Royal Caribbean Cruise. They landed in the beautiful Bahamas and gave all the locals syphilis, which is exactly what happens today at those “Sandals” all-inclusive resorts.

In October of 1500, he was arrested for constantly torturing everybody in the Haitian town he founded, Abu Ghraib.

Eventually, six weeks later, Franz Ferdinand let him out of prison and World War I began. Columbus spent his final crazy years writing a blog about how he was going to take Jerusalem back from the Iraqis.

So, no mail delivery today!

Columbus Day Closures [LA Times]

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99 COMMENTS

  1. I heard also that he was in the tank and paled around with domestic terrorists and liked acorns and such and was the first to say ‘god – damn america’ you betcha

  2. Who’sa da wise guy, huh?

    From my understanding of US America, it was really discovered by Bugs Bunny, not Chris “Da world, it’sa round!” Columbus based on the Sat Morning Cartoons.

  3. We Arizonans are way ahead of the curve. We told those filthy Dagos where to stick it years ago, and celebrate the birthday of the founder of Protestantism, Dr Martin Luther King, Jr.

    What? He’s black? Well I’ll be damned. Never figured a bunch of racist assholes like Arizonans would ever do that.

  4. [re=131714]pondscum[/re]: That’s why he’s so relatable! He’s just like American men everywhere. Man, I’d love to have a beer with a guy like that…

  5. Columbus was a true American Hero! He wanted to find a way to import goods to America without having to deal with Barak HUSSEIN Obama’s eye-slamic terrist ayhrab ancestors!!

  6. The day the Natives saw Columbus rear his ugly head, they knew it was the end of their world. especially upon hearing the sailors chanting “Drill, baby, drill!”.

  7. This pathetic failure gets his own day, and a city in Ohio named after him, but what does the first European to actually colonize the New World, Thorfinn Karlsefni, get? Nothing. Well fuck it — happy Thorfinn Karlsefni Day, everybody!

  8. Happy Columbus Day everybody!
    NSFW, as if anyone has a work place these days (buttsex, other factors).

    In 1492 a dago from It-taly
    was walking down the avenue
    eating a hot tamale
    He knew the world was round o
    His balls hung to the ground o
    that navigatin’ masturbatin’
    son of a bitch Columbo

    (unclean lyric deleted here)

    Columbus went to the Queen of Spain
    to get a ship and cargo
    I bet I be a son of a bitch
    If I don’t bring back Chicago

    He knew the world was round-o
    He sailed his ship aground-o
    That masturbating, masticating
    Son of a bitch Columbus

    Hold tight Christopher Columbus!
    He was much at sea without a compass
    He got a pain in his cucumbus
    up spoke Mr Christ Columbus

    All of this will stand
    until I reach land
    I must get some hand
    from some one in the band
    Christy took one glance
    And quickly saw his chance
    When a blushing man
    dropped his pants for romance
    Christy said, “Now bend down mister
    and if this should pain
    remember it was for Spain
    and it was not in vain.”

    When the man bent down
    Christy went to town
    How the crew did cheer
    as he went from the rear

    40 days and 40 nights
    they sailed in search for booty
    They spied a whore on a pagan shore
    By god she was a beauty
    Over the rails by heads and tails
    shedding their shirts and collars
    in 14 minutes by the clock
    she made 900 dollars

    He knew the world was round-o
    His pants were hanging down-o
    That masturbating, flagellating
    Son of a bitch Columbus
    Hold tight, Christopher Columbus
    Hurray, hurray for the New World’s first cucumbus.

    Attributed to T. S. Eliot
    (actually, collected by him in a book of bawdy verse, anyway. Performed in a brutally censored version by Fats Waller, and in a more historically accurate rendition by R. Crumb and the Cheap Suit Serenaders with the aid of Jane Dornacker (RIP).

  9. Of course it’s also Canadian Thanskgiving, which is really a chance for elitist leftards who love medical pot and gay marriage and socialized healthcare to be thankful that there’s at least one country in North America that isn’t fucked up or Mexico.

  10. [re=131745]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I’ve always been a fan of old Thorfinn. Back when the dollar and kroner were still worth something, I’d go on vacation to Iceland and admire the Saga manuscripts (and Viking-related trinkets) and his stuff was good fun.

    Now, of course, with everyone’s economy tanking, we’ll all have to go a-viking.

  11. [re=131821]superfecta[/re]: Well with a fan base of two, there really should be a Thorfinn Karlsefni day. Of course l’Anse Aux Meadows would probably be the place to celebrate it.

  12. [re=131685]Outstando[/re]: Arab science ended with the invention of falafel and the loofa. This is why we take their oil. Compared to us, they are like children.
    — Bill O’Reilly

  13. It’s really weird that Charlie Crist didn’t tell Columbus to “Shoo! Get back over there!”, seeing as it’s his geographic responsibility as King of the Bahamas. He’s obviously in the tank for Ferdinand and Isabella.

  14. [re=132113]sezme[/re]: Yeah, being snarky on my day off just doesn’t have the same feel as when I waste precious taxpayer $$ snarking away on Wonkette. And I wasted part of a beautiful day off sitting inside, snarking… I haz a sad because I haz a sad life: snarking on my day off.

  15. As I’m from the caribbean, Barbados to be exact, reading this is such a joy for me. Here it is the words that many of us here in the caribbean share in though.

  16. [re=132497]tonehedge[/re]: I’m in Jamaica where the great Burning Spear sings the lyric: ” Christopher Columbus was a damn blasted liard(sic)!!!” On the other hand do only SF and Berkeley, California celebrate Indigenous Peoples Day on October 12?

  17. In the great explorer’s honor, I am eating a stuffed pepper, which isn’t really a pepper, it’s a capsicum, but Chris called it a pepper, because Chris was looking for pepper, and, dammit, we still call them peppers today, because Chris was nothing, if not resourceful in spinning the facts of a situation.

    So here’s to you, Christopher Columbus. If you had been born 500 years later, you could have had a career in American politics.

  18. [re=131752]regisgoat[/re]: Another version. There’s a tune to this, but it’s tied to another filthy tune called “The Good Ship Venus,” a ship-borne ditty of the Great Wars.

    In fourteen hundred and ninety-two
    The expedition started.
    Queen Isabel, she cried like hell.
    Columbus omly farted.

    CHORUS:
    His balls they were so round-o
    His cock hung to the ground-o
    That fornicating, copulating
    son-of-a-bitch Columbo.

    Along did come the Queen of Spain
    And glimpsing there his dong,
    Forthwith was smitten with desire
    And knew not right from wrong.

    “Oh, Isabelle,” Columbo said,
    A-waving of his balls,
    “The world is round as these are,
    I feel that duty calls.”

    “Just wait a bit,” said Isabella.
    “And don’t forget essentials,
    For I’ve a mind to have a grind
    And check on your credentials.”

    She gave her guest no time for rest,
    The pace was fairly killing,
    With legs apart he gave the tart
    A cream and cherry filling.

    For forty days and forty nights
    He sailed the broad Atlantic,
    Columbo and his scurvy crew
    For want of a screw were frantic.

    And when they got to Yankee land
    They spied a Yankee harlot
    When they came her thighs were lily-white
    When they left they were scarlet.

    With lustful shout they ran about
    And practiced copulation
    And when they left to sail away
    They doubled the population.

    And when his men pulled out again,
    And reckoned all their score up,
    They’d caught a pox from every box
    That syphilized all Europe.

  19. Tour de force historical writing!

    Thank god there’s no Columbus Day here in Canuckistan, not that every day isn’t “exploit the natives” day when you have power from Hydro Quebec.

  20. You know who is NOT going to be happy about this post (besides a sadly nostalgic burrowing rodent, pining for an earlier, funnier self)?

    1) The tortured souls of hundreds of millions of indigenous victims whose civilizations were devoured by the gaping maw of European imperialism.
    2) The Library of Congress, whose archivin’ style was bit by Wonkette.

  21. [re=432594]magpie[/re]: Hey, it’s those same pompous assholes that tricked us all into voting for the Kenyan Muslin.

    I think we should have an indigenous people’s holiday to celebrate the life of Montezuma.

  22. Columbus he lived over in Spain
    Where doctors are not many
    The only one they had on board
    Was a [ethnic slur] called Benny.
    To Benny then Columbus went
    With countenance so placid:
    The goddamn doc burnt off his cock
    With muriatic acid.

  23. His is a conflicted legacy, to be sure, full of what many today might term “crimes against humanity”.

    However, we musn’t allow such dark spots to overshadow the brilliant rays of sunshine he ushered forth in the form of such masterworks as Goonies, Gremlins, and (my own personal favorite) Adventures in Babysitting.

    Elisabeth Shue, people. Elisabeth fucking Shue!

  24. Jim, you missed out at a great way to save work. You should have just started posting Ken articles from last year, and see if anyone noticed they were repeats. You could have halved your production for at least a few months.

  25. the impotent thing is that it was discovered. chris columbine or whoever. cuz i’d be over here dealing with a total mindfuck if it wasn’t discovered.

    do we send a thank you card to that jesus-on-america painting or something? i meed to do the right thing here.

  26. My best buddy from college is a full blooded Injun from some tribe with a long name. I used to send him a smart ass email every Columbus Day giving him shit about how my people came over here on this day in 1492 and basically ruined his people. I quit doing that when his monthly check from the tribe for his share of reservation casino revenue hit $10k. After taxes.

  27. I, as a 6/8’s “white” do not appreciate all this who hah, nor do I appreciate no mail delivery. I was expecting a Netflix of SkoalRebel’s latest.

  28. You stupid ungrateful liberals, Christopher Colon brought savage-Americans 3 boats worth of FREEDOM. And how did they repay Colon’s largesse? By inventing smallpox, liquor, and firearms in an attempt to exterminate themselves because they couldn’t stand whitey (no surprise there). Wake UP you libs: Redskin genocide is a fiction invented by Martin Sheen, Gavin Newsome, and the rest of liberal jew Hollywood.

  29. I want to know why the Italians get their own national holiday. St. Patrick’s Day is not a national holiday. Peter Stuyvesant Day is not a national holiday. Three Stooges Day is not a national holiday. I could go on.

  30. [re=432633]Extemporanus[/re]: Forget Elizabeth Shue. There are JUKES in Adventures in Babysitting! Jukes playing Expressway to Your Heart, a boss-groover of a song if there ever was one.

    And to get back on the topic of Karlsefni, didn’t all of Iceland go totally bankrupt about a year ago? No news from there for ages. Are they all dead or did they just lose their cell service? I mean, how long can you subsist eating cured ram scrota and drinking hot spring water if you can’t even Twitter about it?

  31. Ewwww! Haven’t seen Hitchens in a while (he’s on with Tweety). Sweaty, bloated, unkept, slurring his words, shakey, looking like the DTs would set in any moment–that’s our guy!

  32. Ahem, to alla youse with your smarty-pants Columbus songs — This is how I learnt the white hegemony anthem in grade school:

    In fourteen hundred and ninety-two
    Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
    He sailed and sailed and sailed and sailed
    To find this land for me and you.

    Anything else is Socialist PC propaganda and hippie drug talk.

  33. When the natives couldn’t afford to pay their mortgages and the New World.com bubble burst, he ended up in politics.

    History repeats itself.

  34. [re=432689]hiphophitler[/re]: Yeah, but it’s a national holiday that almost no one gets off, except for those who work for the government. So it’s basically just like St. Patrick’s Day, but with less drunken ex-fratboys stumbling around the streets.

  35. [re=432633]Extemporanus[/re]: I have no idea what you are talking about, cuz I am actually working for a change and can’t pay too close attention, but Elizabeth Shue!

    There is also that girl on “community” who they say looks like elizabeth shue. anyway she is hot.

  36. And to think all of this Columbus business happened in the fine year of our Lord, 2008. As a Nation, we should be a very proud of ourselves.

  37. [re=432717]user-of-owls[/re]: Ooooh! Ooooh! I want Talk Like A Pirate Day as a national holiday!! Arrrh, matey, hoist yer doubloons on yonder petard arrrr. Screw Columbus. What’s Obama’s position on Talk Like A Pirate Day?

  38. Amerigo Vespucci was the carnival barker of new world explorers. Perhaps if he hadn’t had such a funny-sounding last name (United States of Vespuccia anyone?) he’d have a holiday named after him.

  39. “So the Knights Templar loaded all of Jesus’ mulatto children aboard Miss Maria’s Ford Pinto and…”

    A priceless visualization.

  40. [re=432709]MzNicky[/re]: WRONG!

    In Fourteen hundred and ninety-two
    Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
    He climbed up a mountain and pissed like a fountain
    In fourteen hundred and ninety-two.

    The end.

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