Wonkette
Walnuts is re-launching his campaign for the millionth time, hurrah! Today he unveils a new speech, full of humor and zest and “my friends” and transparent falsehoods like, “we’ve got them just where we want them,” because yes, six months ago if you had asked John McCain where he wanted to be 21 days from the election, he would have said, “Down 10 points nationally and fighting to keep Virginia and North Carolina in the red column.”
A tantalizing sample of John McCain’s rad new speech:
The national media has written us off. Senator Obama is measuring the drapes, and planning with Speaker Pelosi and Senator Reid to raise taxes, increase spending, take away your right to vote by secret ballot in labor elections, and concede defeat in Iraq. But they forgot to let you decide. My friends, we’ve got them just where we want them.
[...] What America needs in this hour is a fighter; someone who puts all his cards on the table and trusts the judgment of the American people. I come from a long line of McCains who believed that to love America is to fight for her. I have fought for you most of my life. There are other ways to love this country, but I’ve never been the kind to do it from the sidelines.
Then, according to stage notes, John McCain tears off his suit to reveal a white spandex jumpsuit with WALNUTS!!! written in sequins over the crotch, and then he fires up his jetpack to go fight for America, but the jetpack just sort of peters out after a second or two, so he sadly drifts back to earth saying “Oh Walnuts,” and leaves in shame while Sarah Palin smugly waves a monkey doll in the background.
Struggling McCain debuts comeback speech [Politico]
Is the taking away your right to vote and secret ballot business meant to be an ironic nod to Bush? I’m not sure the base will pick up on how very clever that is.
Gee thanks, now this image is going to be in my head all day. Ugh, spandex - you people are SICK!
Sara, I love the imagery. But can we have Nick Cage as Walnuts and Julia Roberts as Sarah Palin? And can it be a race car instead of a jetpack? Great, get back to me with the rewrite.
The lack of accountability from the McCain campaign has been breathtaking.
McCain will then put on a leather jacket and water skis and attempt to jump a shark.
This is GOOD NEWS for John McCain!
Wait. “Obama is measuring the drapes.” Is this some kind of new code word for “Barry is a limp-wristed, burning-brighter-than-a-nukular-bomb, interior designing, homofaggit?” ‘Cuz, damn, Michelle would personally whip Walnuts! you-know-what if that were the case.
Bypartizoa: +1
Did WALNUTS!!! bother to let Sarah Palin know this?
Teh “measuring the drapes” doodle worked like a charm when W used it before the midterms in ‘06.
Only 22 days till Mike Huckabee is the standard bearer for the GOP!
HIP HIP HURRAY!
No, he’s the kind of man who loves his country in the middle of a highway median.
Ah yes. We’re into the long line of McCains. You know, unlike the not so long line of Obamas in our country. We may be proud to be a melting pot but let’s now let those outsiders to far outside the pot. There is no room for them in Washington.
Joementum, meet McCainia.
He’ll just wreck the jetpack like he did the other 4 or 5 planes.
New McCain economic proposal - Federal government to foot the bill for all listings fees on Ebay for one day “National Yard Sale”.
Who the hell does Walnuts think he is? Microsoft XP?
“Hi, I’m a Republican.”
“And I’m a Democrat.”
“What’s a matter Repub?”
“Oh Democrat, my candidate keeps rebooting because he’s crazy. Race baiting won’t work. Has no economic plan. VP is a dumb puck bunny. And gambles a lot. What can I do?”
“Repub, have you given a thought about raising money?”
“I have Demrat, but those undercover cops get upset when you offer to blow them.”
“Uh, I see.”
Has Waving the Monkey already become the new Jump the Shark?
Aren’t you guys a little worried about the the trick the Bush administration did back in 2000?
http://afp.google.com/article/ALeqM5hgI986w-MBkcTAaeyApme0wVmZMQ
So I guess New McCain didn’t work out too well so they are rebranding him as McCain Classic.
Wait until Letterman hits him with a shaving cream pie this week. Who’s going to be laughing then, Walnuts? Ha ha!
(And Barack is going on Ellen to bust some new moves. 18 million cracks will be back in the fold.)*just sayin’*
queeraselvis v 2.0: He is measuring the new drapes for the White House cause he is ready to move in, and also because I guess the first thing any new president does is, uh, buy new drapes? I don’t know. Probably he wants to deck out the Lincoln bedroom with a leapard print carpet and satin sheets and a big ol’ “water pipe” behind some beaded curtains and a framed picture of Che Guevara or something.
“And, my friends, I know how to hit the reboot button in times of crisis.” That should play well at his next bloodthirsty rally.
Obama is not measuring the drapes, not just because he’s too sensible to put the cart before the horse on anything related to this election, but because he already knows how big all the damn windows are.
I think he should pledge to have a whole new campaign theme every day between now and the election. It won’t be easy, or cheap, but pulling it off would be EPIC!
Somewhere Mittens is spiking in his magic underwear.
Obama should drag out that podium with the president-esque seal he got all that shit for months ago and be like “That’s right, motherfucker. I’m not only measuring the drapes, I’m packing the silverware and ordering the shag carpeting for the Lincoln bedroom. What are you gonna do about it? You dried up old rasiny son of a bitch!”
A question that has been nagging me about Lindsay Graham, pitcher or catcher?
Robbertjan: I’m more worried that the October surprise will involve Osama Bin Laden… either trotting him out of the prison (dungeon in one of Walnuts! houses) they’ve kept him in in the week leading up the election, or Osama putting out a new tape before the election saying that he’s looking forward to meeting personally with Obama after he’s elected, thus pushing all the numbnutz dumb enough to believe it back toward Walnuts! It worked for Bush before.
Cape Clod: Hahah McCain Classic FTW!
“Measuring the curtains” is what happens when pols get tired of the cliches in their own stump speeches and reduce them to a few select words that mean something to them but are puzzling to audiences who haven’t heard them 50 times. Juan probably meant to say, “Hopey is measuring the windows in the Oval Office for new drapes,” but just got too lazy to say it. These things happen when you’re in your 70s and yo-yo-ing around the country. Sounds like his speech-writing team is really running out of gas too.
Has Walnuts not been listening to anyone the last few weeks? America is tired of ‘fighting’ period–we know he’s a fighter because he’s too much of a dick and/or a senile old coot to be a listener or a compromiser (which I know are both terribly gay to the Republicans).
And if he ‘trusts the judgment of the American people’, all the ones who have their teeth, working cerebral cortexes and are going broke are tired of your bullshit don’t want you & Bible Spice anywhere near the White House unless you’re cleaning Barry’s shoes.
ManchuCandidate: No, he’s Windows Mojave. Is this rebooting stunt not a perfect example of putting lipstick on a pig?
“take away your right to vote by secret ballot in labor elections”
Funny, aren’t most of the states now “right to work” states in which organized labor is larely unknown? So, if McCain wins that will all change so that we’ll have an opportunity to take advantage of this promise?
grendel:
Tomorrow, Hawaiian Shirt Day!
Biden’s on MSNBC from New Hampshire.
What’s with all the fighting? Oh, Walnuts, will you never learn? Americans are tired of the fighting. And of you!
Rush: No team wants him.
Doh! he just made jabs at Sarah Palin! He is bringing down the house!
toastandlove: I think you missed the snark embedded in my remark, but you’re totally forgiven for mentioning the beaded curtains and the framed Che print. I would’ve said something along the lines of Elvis’s Jungle Room at Graceland, but your design scheme works too!
This Biden speech is great. He’s clowning McCain big time. That Bob Casey quote about how you can’t be a Maverick if all you’ve been is a Sidekick. Oh shit, son.
Fuck this. This is exactly like the buildup to the Iraq war. McCain is just trying to get the media and everyone else asking “are people going to buy into this new tactic?” instead of the real question of “is John McCain a megadouche who shouldn’t be President?”
Actually WALNUTS! will leave in shame only after the crowd bayonets him and sticks bamboo shoots up his butt. Because thats what you’re supposed to do if you see someone crash land near you. Hasn’t John McCain taught you people anything?
“There are other ways to love this country…”
Hang on. He… he doesn’t mean teh buttsecks does he?
I wonder if Walnuts’s drapes match his carpet (I bet he doesn’t have much carpet left. Old men’s hair tends to sprout in nose & ears.)
MrAgro: The debate remark was priceless; “I think it was a debate.”
Special Agent Jack Mehoff: I thought you were supposed to keep them in your private sex dungeon for FIVE AND A HALF YEARS, ALAN!?
Itsjustme: Fill me in? Stuck at work and can’t watch the fun..
New Coke!
Texan Bulldoggette: He’s just talking to the used tampons that will still vote for him. He’s nothing but a spoiled brat that don’t give a shit about what Americans want.
MrAgro: I am thinking something just as provicative, but not quite as dramatic…like a scented power fist. Just plop it on the podium at the beginning of the debate.
LuckyJim: Yes definitely. He is saying “There are many ways to love America, but only one way really drives her wild . . . I’m not the kind that likes to do it sideways, I do it from behind and let me tell you, the bitch loves it, she really does. Better than being raped by a gorilla, no really.”
LuckyJim: Indeed, the fear of Obama the black man is the fear of a ruptured rectum.
Labor elections? He’s desperately relaunching his campaign for the millionth time, and to gain ground he’s trying to stir up fear about Democrats being too hostile to organized labor? …there’s just so many things wrong with that I don’t even know where to start.
And hey…at least Michelle’s carpet matches the curtains…cause you KNOW old Cindy’s are totally not matching and Sarah baby has hardwood floors like a good Christian sex kitten who wants to keep her man happy.
“We’ve got them just where we want them.” I must strongly object to this plagerism of General Custer. Sirongly.
Walnuts as Super Dave Osborne.
This just in…McCain has released Obama’s home address and phone number and urged all of his supporters to not go there tomorrow afternoon and burn crosses on the grass and not to call and leave hateful, racist and angry threats. He has also released the bus route that the Obama children take to school so that people will not stand on the streets tomorrow and throw eggs at the bus. He really is trying to clean things up.
Walnuts is like “coca-cola”. When the new doesn’t work, bring back the classic
AfghanVet: Cindy’s will probably have those huge leaf prints she so apparently adores
I come from a long line of McCains who believed that to love America is to fight for her.
That’s not real love. Real love swallows.
Here’s something McCain can use:
http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-recruit11-2008oct11,0,4964808.story
The economic downturn could make it easier to attract new recruits to the military, Defense officials said Friday as they announced that the Pentagon had met its 2008 recruiting goals.
Economic uncertainty and a declining job market are likely to make potential recruits and their parents more receptive to a pitch from the military, said David Chu, undersecretary of Defense for personnel and readiness.
Good news for WALNUTS!: He loses the race and goes back to the Senate.
Bad news for WALNUTS!: He wins and the pressure of being at the helm OF a NATION GONE MAD AND IN PERPETUAL CRISIS MODE kills him day-ud. Sad, day-ud WALNUTS.
Also, I’m sending him a memo to take me off his ‘friends’ list. Thanks John! But I don’t know you well enough.
ihasasad: That would require something totally different than his awful record on veteran’s issues.
As I wrote yesterday: Look for the RightWingNutz to play up the “They’re trying to steal the election” (ACORN) angle this week. This will serve to create the perfect storm of hatred and outrage when Hopey wins because, in the eyes of the RightWingNutz, Hopey won’t be a legit prez…’cause “he stole it.” Therefore, if Hopey is an illegitimate TerrorPrez it stands (for the unreasonable) to reason that there is a reason to remove his ill-gotten gains by any and any means possible…but as the Dems will control Congress…the only means possible will be violence. Again…as I have written before…if violence is done to Hopey as a result of McHonor’s tolerance of intolerant arguments (he’s a Muslim terrorist who stole the election) then McHonor, CaribouBarbie, Rush, Hannity, Levine, and there cohorts bear responsibility. FuQ them I say…fuQ each and every last one of them.
Weeping Jesus: It would be funny as hell if Dave rescheduled on him at the last minute.
Should be interesting to see if McCain is apologetic or cocky.
TGY: A day-ud Walnuts means President Palin, which, of course, means the rapture comes in the form of Nuk-u-lar Armageddon.
That “we’ve got them where we want them” remark reminds me of Marine General “Chesty” Puller’s famous similar statement when he was informed that the N.Korean army had them completely surrounded. Yep, I’d say the circumstances are about the same now for McGrampy.
AfghanVet: But, but, CINDY GOT A CHILL!!! or something
Measuring the curtains? They match the carpet, right?
Q2: Please…Fox News has had no other story on but that.
What I don’t get is if they are finding bad registrations it means the system is working; how is that a bad thing?
Of course, they won’t be reporting on any voter suppression efforts.
“My friends, we’ve got them just where we want them.”
“I’m very very pleased to be cleared of any legal wrongdoing … any hint of any kind of unethical activity there.”
Vote Jaw-Droppingly Delusional ‘08!
It does have a certain appeal … Reality isn’t much fun lately.
Monday morning and nothing new. Jessie wants to cut his nuts off, Gramps wants to kick his ass.
GO BARRY GO!!!!!!!!!
take away your right to vote by secret ballot in labor elections
To make this line truly effective, he must follow it with a long ramble about the Tri-Lateral Commission, the Masons, the UN, your mother’s periodontist and other unnameable “shadow organizations”.
I’m sure focusing on Pelosi’s perverse coterie of drape picking San Francisco homosexuals is much better than talking about the economy. MAC IS BACK!!!!!
http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/
so this week we’re going with the “barry’s an uppity negro who didn’t fight in a war” theme. why doesn’t he just stand up and yell “i was a pow! you owe me!! oh and i’m white.” and be done with it.
Sussemilch: I was hoping the same.
Wonkette, since we are not Mavericks we do not appreciate these mavericky moves. All of this lurching and erotic behaviour that Hopey and his homeys are making fun off are all part of the maverick plan.
Miller: Jammakain Version 5.5!
grendel: Sorry, they broke to a fire right in the middle of his speech. He was basically saying that Sarah Palin hasn’t a clue. He brought up the debate and said “I think it was a debate.” Crowd totally got it and laughed their asses off.
Walnut planning on curtains? I thought they were going brick over the windows and rename 1600 Pennsylvania the “first bunker”, My Friends.
Walnuts should pick these PJs up on ebay,
then get all Deer-Hunter on our asses.
http://cgi.ebay.com/Vietnam-POW-Memorabilia_W0QQitemZ120315687371QQcmdZViewItem?hash=item120315687371&_trkparms=72%3A1421%7C39%3A1%7C66%3A2%7C65%3A12%7C240%3A1309&_trksid=p3286.c0.m14
Walnuts is on now saying “he has a plan.” Will someone please tell him the name of the city and or state is Washington, there is no R as in Warshington.
Oh he is getting a NObama chant in Virginia.
Oh he is going to make Government live on a budget just like we do! I have no MONEY to budget you fuckwad, I live paycheck to paycheck!
Itsjustme:
I just want McCorpse to stop calling me his friend.
grendel: I, too, am awaiting the classic Bin Laden endorsement of Obama, released, oh, about a week before the election. It’s an Oldie but Goodie, seems to work every damned time. That, if for no other reason, is clearly why the Republicans have allowed Bin Laden to run loose for so long — so that he can “endorse” Democrat candidates and scare the shit out of all the old people and mouthbreathers.
“I come, I come, I come proudly from a long line of McCains.” The crowd was just shouting his name over and over, was that to remind him of his name?
oh hopey is totally not the only one measuring drapes, difference is walnuts’ are for his final curtain call, it’s his final stunt after all. god i hope that concession speech is coming along nicely.
Itsjustme: I want the repeated words “I come” and “McCain” to be wiped from my memory forever. Eech.
Q2: “Look for the RightWingNutz to play up the “They’re trying to steal the election” (ACORN) angle this week.”
Happening already. This is all over the Wingnut comments on any snarky anti-Repub video on YouTube, as of yesterday afternoon. Oh. Yeah. And not only is ACORN stealing the election, they are single-handedly responsible for the global financial meltdown, since they provided assistance to poor (i.e. black & Latino) families seeking home loans.
ACORN is the most horrible organization on Earth, dedicated to the downfall of America. I know. It goes *faaaar beyooooond* voter registration, right to the heart of Satan himself (only slightly exaggerated). I heard this from twenty identical Wingnuts this morning, across 8 political videos.
Miller: Please! Not “drapes”. That’s gauche, and just … Over. The coterie of refers to them as “window treatments”.
V572625694: I offered to let Obama measure my curtains, but no one in the campaign has gotten back to me.
I think America wants a lover, not a fighter.
Texan Bulldoggette: Yes. Hillary made this mistake too. We are tired of the fighting. We want some conflict resolution in all areas of governance, foreign policy, and economic solutions.
sanantonerose: Exactly.
hahahahaha http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/13/opinion/13kristol.html
Kristol advises to fire the campaign. hahahaha I suggest he just draft them into the militar instead.
iolanthe: Always, teh poors are to blame for everything. The world according to GOP.
McCain and all his kooky militarism, i was in the army, dad was, blah blah REEKS of junta!
So, now Walnuts has resorted to giving the Ted Stryker motivational space shuttle landing speech? Shatner’s going to be hella pissed.
queeraselvis v 2.0: I was waiting for him to ask for a towel when he finished.
And Barry won’t be putting up drapes either. I figure it’ll be venetian blinds, so that we can get some cool-ass film noir shots of Barry looking pensive at his desk while bands of light and shadow carve through the smoke from his Dunhill. At-mos-phere to the max. It’ll make the ladies swoon and the fellas bite their fists in jelousy. All hail the Coolmander in Chief!
Is the McCain campaign EVER on the same page? Mike Haime (?) McCain spokesman just told Andrea Mitchell that McCain sat back on the economy to take a look. WHAT? Didn’t McCain accuse Hopey of sitting back.
All of this ACORN stuff is why the election needs to be a landslide because if it is, the idiots on Fox can’t blame it on a bunch of poor minorities trying to steal the election from good-ole red blooded small-town white people and have to STFU.
This seems appropriate:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zKhEw7nD9C4
McCain is arguably the David Bowie of politics. Next week he’ll be wearing a dress, the following week a metallic jumpsuit, the following week it’ll be a white zoot suit. And then after early November, he’ll ape whatever Bowie was doing after 1984. Frankly, we all kinda lost track of him then.
1. Please don’t insult my beloved David Bowie.
2. I’m not even sure I get McCain’s insults anymore. Is he saying that he comes from a long line of McCains, but Obama was born from immaculate conception because he’s the one? I’ll buy that. Does he really think being ahead in the polls is the same as being “on the sidelines?”
WHY IS THIS BLOG SO WELL WRITTEN
I AM JEALOUS
Versinae: Yes, and he understands how lovingly Jackie O and Stephane Boudin picked out those window treatments — why mess with perfection?
Hooray For Anything: Absolutely! I have already resolved that the ONLY time I am going to watch Faux News is on Election night- Just after Senator Obama claims victory in his usual, dignified manner, refusing to give either WALNUTS! or Ms Moosefart the well deserved finger, despite having just blown these miserable creeps half way to Alpha Centauri.
I want to see these ignorant, smug “journalists” bitch, moan, writh in pain even.
I want me some ‘fair and balanced’ ritual suicide.
I’m not sayin’ I’ve become hostile to this fine, upstanding TV network or anything…
Yah, I too heard that awesome new speech on the teevee - it moved me to tears - NOT.