Wonkette
America’s arbitrarily reginal czarina of letterputtingtogether, Wall Street Journal columnist Peggy Noonan, is in a tit-bit of a snit! She refuses to deign either American candidate for Leader as possessing the requisite traits to divert the West’s neo-mercantilist econometric interplay system from almost certain gloom and/or “doom”! Tut tut, what rogues, what Beelzebubs of fiery pagan disposition, are suppressing the hare-like candor we should expect from our two applicants in an epoch of global Money Plague? Noonington knows: ’tis the candidates’ Hired Help — the “political advisers,” as America’s boorish Huns know them — that have poisonedeth the grog of political discourse in the Colonies. Letteth us chance into this seven-day’s issuance of “Declarations.”
…Exactly. Here’s some comical shit Peggy wrote about Obama and McCain’s political handlers:
- “They send their candidates out to speak such thin gruel, such spat-out porridge, that we are struck dumb, and left daydreaming about the fact that Mr. Obama’s suits are always slate gray and never seem to wrinkle, and Mr. McCain tonight seems like a rabbity forest creature darting amid the hedgerows.” Damn those interminable rabbity forest creatures, always eating our shrubbery during furious dartings amid the hedgerows. Kill them all…
- “I have grown impatient with the strategists from the campaigns, the little blond monsters who go on cable TV to give us their bouncy, aggressive, tendentious talking points. They are like the men on the plane, the gargoyles with BlackBerrys who think the race is about them and their personal win/loss ratio, who think history is their plaything, who stay up with the press in the bar sipping Perrier and calling it seltzer, and who advise their candidates, in essence, to talk down to the voters, to the American people.” Pulitzer much?
Declarations: Playing Frisbee on a Precipice [WSJ]
a good editor would tell her to chill the hell out with the metaphors and adjectives. Jeez. Her point gets lost in the deluge of overwritten crap.
The queen is not amused. She is often drunk, though.
In other news, Caribou Barbie ordered to preserve personal email which may be related to her job as govenator: http://community.adn.com/adn/node/132548
I don’t see why this electoral phenomena is so much the case. After all, risk-taking is so generously rewarded in our society these days.
Crazy Jesus Lady had a brief lapse of lucidity when, fortified by Hillary hated, she pimped for Hopey over the summer. Once that was accomplished, she burped out her last few non-crazy words (about Palin being a clown and McCain an old loser) on the MSNBC open mike, and retreated into her land of Reaganesque unicorns, rainbows, yard trolls and tangled garden metaphors. Back to normal.
I wonder how liquored-up I’d have to be to write like that. It’d be fun to try.
“Can I compare thee to a summer’s day? Because June 23rd was quite nice.”
-T. Pratchett
“Thin gruel”? “Spat-out porridge”? As opposed to hard-hitting substantive policy statements like, say, “a thousand points of light”?
Too wordy for me.
Say wha???? It’s after five somewhere, and I have already started consuming copious quantities of adult beverages to forget my new state of penuriousness. I shall no longer be able to afford Peggy’s worthy tome in it’s printed form and will have to read on line with the rest of you rabble, so frankly, I don’t care what the b*tch says.
Die, Peggy, die!
“Disappointed in everybody” is partisan code for “disappointed in my candidate.”
Huh. And I always thought that these Peggy posts were greatly exaggerating her manner of writing and speaking, but… I guess not.
Jim Newell:
That introduction was epic.
Love,
Jeebus.
Peggy? She not-so-much epic. Walnuts doesn’t talk down to us! He says “my friends!” “My friends” means we are intimate with each other, right?
Of all the words one could use to describe McCain, rabbity is somewhere around 9,954,231th on the list.
I hope you had fun writing that Jim because it made my head hurt.
How can you channel Peggy when she’s not dead yet?
She’s a monty python character come to life.
Sounds like she got into Aaron Sorkin’s stash.
You know, Peggy, you may be on to something. Every time hopey and his handlers offer me some thin gruel, all I can think is,”Please, sir, may I have some more?”
Yours Truly,
Oliver Gopherit
shortsshortsshorts: It’s better than when he says,”Is Grampy gonna have to slap a bitch?”
Shoe - that’s an upside of the Depression. Cheap suits and cheap rotgut!! I can’t decide whether my inaugural Office Bottle will be Fleischmann’s Rye or Georgii.
Where has this dim-witted tart been for the last 10 elections? They’re all like this you drunken dolt! But I guess there weren’t any Blackberry’s for her to grouse about back when her venerable and inane steed Reagan was galloping nationwide towards his two presidential bids.
Hack.
spencer: Dunno. He reminds me more than a little of General Woundwort
Porridge… dadreaming… forest creatures… monsters… gargoyles… is this a fairy tale? Does someone lose their head to the huntsman’s axe at the end?
Anyone watching hardball?
I got nothing to say about Noonan, but I really wish Wonkette would stop ‘blinging’ up all these pictures! It hurts my brain — aren’t there enough odd and offensive images on the internet to use instead, ones that don’t contain jarring flashing pixel refugees from old Activision games?
ok, fact check time Ms. Nooner:
Hopey rarely wears a grey suit. He has one belt that is ten years old, and 4 pairs of shoes.
McCain doesn not ‘dart around hedgerows’, there are no hedgerows in Arizona. He darts up and down the arroyos.
The campaign strategists do call it ‘Perrier’ but they are really drinking Pellegrino and cannot tell the difference. Seltzer comes out of a hose and is never mentioned. Yes, they are monsters.
Sussemilch:Possibly? Does anyone know how Nooners fairy tale ends?
Sussemilch: Dunno for sure, but I wouldn’t go darting around Dame Peg’s hedgerows anytime soon.
hoboking: Gopherit v2.0: Around 4 o’clock on Friday I just decide to piss readers off. It’s a bad habit.
I’m not sure what the fuck the Pegster is trying to say, but that Blingee is pretty sweet.
“sipping Perrier and calling it seltzer”
Oh, my, what a low blow Ms Noonan, you dirty little street fighting minx you!
At least she didn’t accuse them of “eating pate and calling it spam”.
Somebody’s been reading a wee too much Dickens for her own good, methinks.
She must get a real kick out of reading her own writing.
Someone else in the world might enjoy it just a little bit if she actually said something like “a rabbity forest creature with a baggy ass”…
A Thanksgiving Prayer, by W.S. Burroughs
Thanksgiving Prayer, W.S. Burroughs
shortsshortsshorts: My local NPR pledge drive guy thought it would be awesome to refer to everyone as “my friends” this morning when begging for money. I was listening because the guy talking opposite him was Irish, and I love a good Irish accent in the morning. But the “my friends” crap drove me to howl with rage and turn the radio off. I might not even pledge this year.
That’s right. I WENT THERE.
“Mr. McCain is war-y enough.”
Peggy speaks the truth…very strangely.
“…Sipping Perrier and calling it seltzer…” So world-weary, so catty. Who wrote that? Peter Allen/Carole Bayer Sager. That’s citified!
AnnieGetYourFun: Wow with the typical audience NPR caters to, “my friends” is like trying to sell a bicycle to a paraplegic.
Someone should tap her to write the sequel to “Green Eggs and Ham”
Cut her some slack.
You have to raise the bar pretty high-falutin’ high to cast a pox on both the Houses of McCain AND Obama.
How does Peggy Noonan write? She writes like this: [insert demented curse at live-mike here]. Still, the thing about the rabbity forest creature was pretty good.
“Both campaigns, in the closing stretch, seem not fully worthy of
the momentme.”/corrected
“sipping Perrier and calling it seltzer …”
Is this a thing now? What on earth does this mean?
Also, “gargoyles with blackberrys?” The hell?
My husband has taken to calling McCain “a necrotizing chipmunk,” which can only mean that he and Noonan are having a steamy affair.
StrangelyBrown: MMMmmm,”a thousand points of light”, like a strawberry shake from McDonalds with some vodka added for pep. Even back in those days I was still rich by most standards. Oh well, I am now super glad I bought those cases of toilet paper and pallets of frozen orange juice back when I was just another war hero on the front lines fighting for freedom along side of daddy’s big boy George the Younger, buying my brains out in the rubble of 911. Go home Peggy you smartass and dust furniture for the rest of your life.
See, it’s easy.
Seems there is a bustle in her hedgerow, but she should not be alarmed. At least not now.
Is Peggy the May Queen?
StrangelyBrown: MMMmmm,”a thousand points of light”, like a strawberry shake from McDonalds with some vodka added for pep. Even back in those days I was still rich by most standards. Oh well, I am now super glad I bought those cases of toilet paper and pallets of frozen orange juice back when I was just another war hero on the front lines fighting for freedom along side of daddy’s big boy George the Younger, buying my brains out in the rubble of 911. Go home Peggy you smartass and dust furniture for the rest of your life.
See, it’s easy.
Hopey looks nice in his suit and Mccain I’m afraid looks like an old man who smells of cancer and moth balls. Sad, I’m old myself but it really looks like he will be easy for Sarah to pick off this winter when it’s time to cull the herd.
This is good, but nothing will ever rise to the level of her piece about how Elian Gonzalez was saved by dolphins sent by Baby Jesus to save America.
She didn’t use the royal “we” so this is a fairly tame and reserved column by Peggy’s standards. This is her verion of populism.
Wow.I’m like in installments.
Love, love, LOVE that swinging crucifix!
+1 Newell.
“Tendentious Talking Points” should be a new Wonkette category.
Going to work for Murdoch is giving up journalism, but writing speeches for old man Bush was the tipoff: no shame. Besides, it’s hard to write simple sentences sitting on your thumb.
As a certified and credentialed writer myself I would like to offer this critique of Noonan’s body of work: It sucks. End of column.
Did she right that shit with an ink-dipped quill?
Dittoes on the Man-Crushin’-Jim-Love. The kid has chops. The snark abounds. I now feel somewhat less than adequate for the email I sent to the McCain campaign and the RNC, tho’ I did want to maintain some modicum of verisimilitude; hence the ALL CAPS and misspellings from my Republican muse (it’s a little over the top, but I’m just trying to dishearten these fuckers. If I can make one email-reading RNC staffer say “Aw, Screw it.” today, I’ve done my small part):
“As a born and bred lifelong republican (my mom wears the same respectable cloth coat Pat Nixon wore back in 1960), I’m shocked, horrified and DISGUSTED by the hate and smears being pushed by Sarah Palin at recent campaign events. If you were planning on letting her Pandering to the fundamentalists and Redneck Bigots at the risk of alienating the wider base, then MISSION ACCOMPLISED.
Eight years ago, I voted for John McCain in the 2000 Washington State Primary, feeling he was a much better man, a much better AMERICAN than W. But now I’m not sure. Of course, I think W is a complete idiot, who doesn’t? I could see it even then, before he became president. But McCain has turned into something even worse. A willful conduit for racial smears and outright lies. These are supposed to WIN us an election? Unbelievable. I thought the man knew something about honor, but I was sadly mistaken.
In my own state, I will hold McCain and his campaign responsible for the now, seemingly inevitable loss of decent moderate republican candidates in my state; namely Dino Rossi (gubernatorial) and Dave Reichert (congressional).
YOU ARE DRAGGING DOWN THE WHOLE TICKET. YOU ARE UNDOING EVERYTHING ACCOMPLISED BY RONALD REGAN AND BUSH 1. YOU ARE BRINGING A DEMOCRAT WAVE TO SWEEP ACROSS AMERICA AND DOMINATE AMERICAN POLITICS FOR MANY YEARS TO COME.
PS: I HATE YOU!”
Whadaya think? Too much?
Listening to an NPR interview with this crazy bitch, talking about her new book, nearly killed me. You’re not that smart and thoughtful, Peggy. You’re just pretentious and like to hear yourself talk.
No one really cares what the hell Peggy Noonan thinks–no one really cared what the hell she thought 20 years ago, or 25 years ago, or 15, 10, or five years ago. Really—no one cares. She is a poseur on every level. No one cares about her.
rambone: “Someone should tap her to write the sequel to “Green Eggs and Ham””
Someone should tap her. Just be sure to sweep away the cobwebs; and you’ll probably need one of those chest-crackers they use for heart surgery to ply her open. Then maybe, just maybe, she’ll stop writing like a constipated Victorian spinster.
I do not volunteer.
Did you hear the one about America going to the airport? Turned out it was ol’ Peggy Noonan drunk and incoherent, draped in a flag and nothing else. Again.
Quite a ‘view from Gate 14′…