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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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115 comments

  1. Crow T. Robot

    I lost my home. I’m am tens of thousand of dollars in debt. I have no assets. All of my disposable income goes to interest payments. I doubt I have $1000 in my retirement. I’m 42.

    We don’t need no water. Let the fucker burn.

    Kthxbi.

  2. Serolf Divad

    I believe this is being caused by interference from a passenger’s Nintendo DS and as soon as he stops playing the plane will level off and we’ll all be fine.

  3. StripesAndPlaids

    Watching it live now. Shit. MSNBC commentator: “There is a lot of pessimissm out there.” Ya’ Think?

  4. Dreamer

    You don’t have to be gleeful about the plummeting of my trust fund. I should have gone on that world tour before W. wreck the economy.

  5. CrabtreesBludgeon

    [re=128250]Crow T. Robot[/re]: Well fuck. That was seriously depressing. Is the third floor high enough to kill myself, or will there just be enormously painful but survivable damage that will create astronomical medical bills that propel me into bankruptcy?

  6. FMA

    Cheer up. I just read on Krugman’s blog that the plunging stock market is the least of our problems.
    Oh.
    Fuck.

  7. irisheyes

    Once I built railroad, made it run, made it race against time…once I built a railroad, now it’s done. Brother, can you spare a dime.

    Everybody now!

    Once in khaki boots, gee we looked swell, filled with that Yankee Doodle-e- dum, half a million boots, slogged through hell,
    I (bum,bum) was the kid (bum,bum) with the drummmmmmmmm

    Say, doncha remember, you called me Al, it was Al all the time…hey doncha remember, I’m your pal,

    Brother, can you spare a dime.

  8. hrhkingfriday

    [re=128263]Vewol Mevemont[/re]: We would all be rich on the barter system. In other words, we have a lot of shit! Now who wants my 10,000 dsl modems?

  9. Serolf Divad

    [re=128274]CrabtreesBludgeon[/re]:

    If you dive head first and maintain a vertical position throughout the fall you should be OK.

  10. Roger Mexico, Actuary

    Oh, it’s just a number, absolute, meaningless, an empty signifier or whatever.

  11. choinski

    This is the perfect moment for handsome, swarthy man who’s name rhymes with Kneel! Cash-Carry! can come in on his white horse. . . . . um . . . . any day now!

  12. OzoneTom

    Gee, at this rate I think that the only approach for Obama after taking office is to declare a new war.

    A class war!

  13. Crow T. Robot

    [re=128274]CrabtreesBludgeon[/re]: I suspect the latter. Sit down, have a drink or three, and watch the executives pass your window on the way down.

    & if you have some hash, I’ll let ya come over & watch with me.

  14. King Rinzy of Rohan

    McCain/Palin’s next campaign appearance scheduled for Hooverville, USA! Get there early…there’s a rumor that soup will be served!

  15. echoroc

    I’m putting all my shit into Zimbabwe. Someday those 20,000 dollar bills are gonna be worth something.

  16. dano

    I’m going to watch “Fight Club” tonight on DVD. I always makes me feel better about being poor.

  17. TJBeck

    In 1950, I could have given you the option to spend $5 on:
    a) one share of General Motors stock – thy lynchpin of the american postwar economy!
    b) A few six packs of Rainier Beer, in cans

    One would be worth $4.76 today, and the other would be worth at least $13.83.

    Hooray beer!

  18. Worlds End

    [re=128262]StripesAndPlaids[/re]: Did you see the closing? The people looked like they wanted to eat shotguns.

  19. Crow T. Robot

    Hey guys–I’m not depressed–I’m kinda gleeful–don’t worry about me. I am in sorta an Edward Norton headspace (tho too wimpy to act on it)–this is kinda fun.

    I watched a lot of fuckers walk away from the .com bust with more money than I’ll ever see–am hoping a few of them got caught in this pileup. Greedy bastards–I suspect some were.

  20. S.Luggo

    In order to survive these terrible times, the American consumer must become more savvy when going to the store. Remember: if the gun ain’t loaded, it ain’t armed robbery.

  21. lawrenceofthedesert

    And the worst thing is that Dow Jones didn’t shake any hands on the way up. It’s a karmalanche!

  22. NegativeZero

    [re=128277]Serolf Divad[/re]: My favorite line from the amazon review:

    “Many will dismiss this kind of thinking [the Dow at 36,000] as wishful, but they’re probably the same Chicken Littles who have been calling the market overpriced for years”

    I bet it was just a publishing error – they really wanted to call it Dow 3,600.

  23. Kingbee

    Please — we need another war to take our minds off of this!! Not one of these confusing wars that have political/social/religious issues — just something simple, something with heroes. Not one where everybody is a “Hero” because they just serve — something with actual heroes that do stuff that we want to read about in the newspaper, as we lie on a park bench covered in newspapers. Not, however, multiple plane-crashing heroes who sign “confessions” after they’re captured. Real heroes who won’t talk under torture, even though they’re being waterboarded by the Americans. Oh! — wrong heroes. Forget that. OK, just any new war will be fine. Preferably with spears, to save money. Does North Korea use spears?

  24. InKnockYouUs

    [re=128295]choinski[/re]: Yeah, where are these guys: Kneel Cash and Carry, the bald guy with his Hank Bank idea? What the fuck are they doing? Learning to play the violin?

  25. Vewol Mevemont

    [re=128286]StrangelyBrown[/re]: If this means she’ll be wearing tight, revealing, chain mail during her next appearance on Larry King, I’m game. I’m also apparently a huge dork…

  26. Outstando

    I see no reason to pay my mortgage any longer. They can’t throw all of us out. Too many guns! Ha ha, dumbfuck capitalists.

  27. Barack Like Me

    I rolled back into town this morning from a trip out west at abt 8 am and having been cut off overnight i strolled over to the Nasdaq lobby at 43rd & Bwy in Times Square, to see what the Eur/Asian mkts did last night, and since I was already there, I thought…

    What the fuck, why not?

    So I knocked on the glass, got their attention, and proceeded to flip the whole room off as I rolled south on the sidewalk towards the subway.

    Naturally they gave me that smug disparaging look that they do, it’s a money/WASP thing that the destroyers of America have mastered, but I gotta ask, who’s laughing now?

    How you like me now you dumb stupid bitches?

    I’ve got pics and video.

  28. Serolf Divad

    [re=128319]NegativeZero[/re]:

    Actually, they left off the decimal point. The real title was going to be DOW $360.00.

  29. Maj. Major Major Major

    If only Bush was unable to privatize social security and get more of our money into the market…

  30. estevancarlos@gmail.com

    [re=128306]Crow T. Robot[/re]: Grab some good books, paper and pen, move into a shithole, and enjoy the ride.

  31. estevancarlos@gmail.com

    Am I the only one here who saw this coming from a mile away? Am I the only here looking forward to this?

  32. Cogito Ergo Bibo

    On CNN they’re saying that the Treasury Department needs to get off its butt and start handing out the $700 zillion that Congress gave them last week. Not buying up assets yet is not exactly infusing the system with the cash needed to free up credit.

  33. slappypaddy

    [re=128274]CrabtreesBludgeon[/re]: The third floor is not high enough, unless you are lucky enough to break your neck. You may survive a fall from the fourth floor, so for best results, leap from the fifth floor or higher.

  34. Barack Like Me

    [re=128306]Crow T. Robot[/re]:

    When I ride on the upper decks of the Staten Island Ferry towards the city I can say ‘outside these windows we will witness the collapse of financial history’ and be telling the god’s honest truth, 5 days a week, anytime of the day.

    How cool is that?

    It’s fun because I don’t have to go anywhere near the trouble Tyler did to make any of this happen, they took care of that end of the deal, all by themselves, without any help from me.

    Good times.

  35. nurple

    My former gardner is back in Matamoros and needs a gardner. Can I hitch a ride with anyone to Brownsville?

  36. grendel

    [re=128342]Maj. Major Major Major[/re]: That needs to be the talking point in Florida for the next 4 weeks.

  37. slappypaddy

    [re=128307]Jebediah[/re]: Harmony and balance have returned to the world of finance. The downward trajectory of total collapse precisely mirrors the upward trajectory of speculative madness.

  38. Baconcat

    [re=128276]StrangelyBrown[/re]: I know some Icelanders and they are like three inches from overthrowing the gov’t. Their leader had a coronary, for god’s sake. Apparently unregualted free markets DO have a downside!

  39. mattbolt

    *holds envelope to forehead*
    The Dow Jones, and your mother
    *rips open*

    … Things that go down quickly.

    HEYOOOO

  40. CrabtreesBludgeon

    [re=128288]Serolf Divad[/re]: [re=128356]slappypaddy[/re]: [re=128298]Crow T. Robot[/re]: Thanks for the advice all! You are the bestest friends a depressed soon-to-be-hobo could ever have! And Crow – I don’t have any hash, but I got a shitload of canned soup (Progresso, none of that redneck Campbells shit) and high-end vodka.

  41. cal

    [re=128369]grendel[/re]: Seriously, I don’t understand why there hasn’t been more discussion of how jsut recently Republicans wanted to put everyone’s Social Security into the stock market. Great idea!

  42. Jerk Cade

    [re=128312]dano[/re]: I’ll send you my chipotle ale recipe. It’s impossible to find anyway.

  43. slappypaddy

    [re=128365]S.Luggo[/re]: We’ll all get to wear Bikinis, whether we look good in them or not. Don’t forget your sunscreen. SPF 666 is the recommended coverage.

  44. S.Luggo

    [re=128291]estevancarlos@gmail.com[/re]: “It’s only after you’ve lost everything that you’re free to do anything.”

  45. CrabtreesBludgeon

    Question: If the guvmint starts buying up banks, and it buys mine, does that mean I can stop paying my credit card bill – cause technically I will own said bank and what’s the point of paying myself?

  46. Scooter

    My brother made two trips to Iceland in the last month. On the first the country was still gung ho and flyin’ high, but last week the people were in a huge funk, stores and restaurants were closed, many people claimed they had lost most of their life savings, the entire economy had ground to a stop. I imagine that’s where we’re headed in another week or two.

  47. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=128310]cal[/re]: Oh no no the bankers will never jump because the Feds got one thing right in the bailout: padding them with MILLIONS of CLAMS.

  48. problemwithcaring

    We Californias are hopping the border to Mexico. We sell arugala and Black Forest Berry Honest Tea to constructions and oil workers, en la plaza, then take the pesos and buy meat and cosmetic dentistry. Any fellow runners who wanna hitch a ride in my smart car, just holla…

  49. btwbfdimho

    Today the Dow pretty much follows the final trajectory of McCain’s plane in Vietnam. So, get ready for 5 1/2 years of chronic ass-fucking, my fellow prisoners.

  50. tednugentslover

    To prepare for the coming depression, I just had a rotten apple and 4 cans of Lone Star for dinner. In six months, I’ll be down to a third of a rotten banana and 4 cans of Lone Star.

  51. NotLaughing

    I can’t wait to hear The State of the Union.

    I guess it’s going to be less happy than usual.

  52. Quietly

    3:45 P.M.: I switch on WTOP and get ready for a shower. Stocks are down, but it’s no biggie compared to what we’ve been through. The DJ’s almost sound cheerful. Happiness ensues.

    3:57 P.M.: Shower over, I turn on WTOP again and something is clearly not right with the DJ’s. They are flipping shit, talking apocalypse, and going into a mild state of shock right on the air. Visions of terrorists attacks, school shootings, and sports injuries dance through my head. But no, it was even worse: The inevitable happened on Wall St. for the millionth friggin day in a row.

    Apparently the world ended while I was detangling my hair.

  53. boggart

    I have to agree, there is a morid fascination in watching it all go pear shaped.

    But the main thing the meltdown tells us about the election is both candidates are not intelligent enough to be President of the world’s most powerful nation. If they were they would both now be begging to be allowed to stand down.

Comments are closed.