YR BOOK SUCKS  1:41 pm October 9, 2008

Hugh Hewitt Can’t Get His Palin Book Published!

by Jim Newell

FAP FAP FAP FAPRadio and Internet wingnut Hugh Hewitt, one of the top starbursters (creepy conservative pundits who jerk it to Sarah Palin) out there, is working on a lovely book that he hopes to get published a week after the election. His agent sent the proposal to publishers all over literature’s New York City, and yet no one is biting. HOW COULD THEY NOT? Hugh Hewitt writes like the wind! And his book idea was grandiose and magical. It was to be called, How Sarah Palin Won the Election… And Saved America. No, really! [NY Observer]

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fuckinredneck October 9, 2008 at 1:45 pm

This is the same smile that he makes when he has an orgasm. THINK ABOUT IT

Uncle Al October 9, 2008 at 1:46 pm

He wants to get it published a week AFTER the election?
He must be even more tarded than we thought.

Kev-O-Tron October 9, 2008 at 1:47 pm

God that picture. He looks like the kind of person who gets coloring books for Christmas.

Regarding “jerking it to Palin”- That’s a special kind of person right there. One notch below furries in my opinion.

magic titty October 9, 2008 at 1:47 pm

I thought it was “Jizzing My Shorts to a Veep of Sorts”.

UnindictedCo-conspirator October 9, 2008 at 1:47 pm

Seeing as it’s all make believe anyway, he should just pitch it as a children’s picture book about a little bespectacled lass who’s saved from witches and rides into Washington on a sparkly unicorn. Or a unimoose. A moosicorn.

regisgoat October 9, 2008 at 1:47 pm

Huell Hauser looks like that London After MIdnight guy in this photo. Isn’t he busy enough discovering California Gold without pimping for Sarah “History’s Greatest Monster” Palin at the same time?

Cape Clod October 9, 2008 at 1:49 pm

His work isn’t even good enough to prop up a table with one uneven leg. Besides, when Sarah Palin wins the election all books will be burned.

CivicHoliday October 9, 2008 at 1:50 pm

Has he tried making it a children’s book instead, like Meghan did when editors told her her writintg sucked?

Mighty Rex October 9, 2008 at 1:50 pm

It’s cuz he’s the ghey.

Miller October 9, 2008 at 1:50 pm

What, was “If Only Sarah Palin Hadn’t Ascended Into Heaven Before She Could Give Us the Secret To Eternal Life” too forward looking a title? Better at least wait until after that first week in the VP chair where she saves America.


ihasasad October 9, 2008 at 1:50 pm

This guy has thought of EVERYTHING y’all!

At one point it was How Sarah Palin Won the Election. At another point it was How Sarah Palin Won the Election … and Saved America.
“If they were to lose the election it would have just been How Sarah Palin Saved America,”

TJBeck October 9, 2008 at 1:51 pm

I’m writing a book called How Hugh Hewitt Lost Whatever Tiny Shred of Credibility He Had . . . And He’s Probably A Pedophile

Of course, it’s fiction. Because Hugh Hewitt never had any credibility.

ManchuCandidate October 9, 2008 at 1:51 pm

I didn’t know NY Publishers liked slash fiction.

FMA October 9, 2008 at 1:52 pm

Mr. Hewitt,
We have reviewed your submission, and unfortunately, it does not meet our needs at this time.
May we suggest that if you try to submit your proposal to other publishers, you might want to reconsider writing it in crayon. Also, some of our editors believe the chapter containing “Sarah Palin Hewitt” or “Sarah Hewitt” written over and over again was a little avant-garde for our market.
The Publisher

ihasasad October 9, 2008 at 1:53 pm

oh, and if the fap fap fap fap is him starbursting off to Palin then y’all are just fuckin wrong…there’s a special place in hell you betcha also

CivicHoliday October 9, 2008 at 1:53 pm

writing. yes, i can haz spelling check.

Sussemilch October 9, 2008 at 1:54 pm
arf October 9, 2008 at 1:55 pm

Good lord, that photo is disturbing.

And he doesn’t even have teh cheek cancer as an excuse.

SayItWithWookies October 9, 2008 at 1:57 pm

Don’t worry Hugh — your book’s not alone on the ash heap of publishing history. It’s lying next to William Kristol’s How George Bush Transformed the Entire Middle East into a Thriving Capitalist Democracy; Dubya’s How I Privatized Social Security and Everybody Retired Rich; Bob Novak’s An Exhaustive Catalog of Saddam Hussein’s WMDs and Terrorist Ties; and Dick Cheney’s The Safe Way to Hunt Small, Flightless Birds.

Kev-O-Tron October 9, 2008 at 1:58 pm

[re=127900]Mighty Rex[/re]: ah shit. Well, I had it first but I’ve been using hobo wine recently. I’ll switch back to hobo wine. I don’t think anyone gets it anyways.

Tawmn October 9, 2008 at 1:59 pm

It’s those crazy credit markets… Damn, what a horrible time for the economy to crater.

V572625694 October 9, 2008 at 2:00 pm

[re=127911]Sussemilch[/re]: Nice blingee!

You know, Ms Winky is the kind of hottie that could bring a man like Hewitt back from teh gay. She’s so sexy! It’d be like doing your mom, you betcha! Which has always been the dream!

Serolf Divad October 9, 2008 at 2:01 pm

“The intent was to finish the book by a week after the election, and to have it out before the inauguration.”

Was that the plan regardless of who won?

“The book obviously presumed [a McCain-Palin victory],” Mr. Yates said…

Well, shit… I can’t for the life of me figure out why the book doesn’t have a publisher yet!

Cogito Ergo Bibo October 9, 2008 at 2:02 pm

Note to Chicagoland Wonketteers: Grampy personally pledged to kill the planetarium “overhead projector” during the town hall going on right now. Because he’s jealous of anything capable of simulating a big bang, I guess.

Ken Layne October 9, 2008 at 2:02 pm

[re=127911]Sussemilch[/re]: Oh that is a very nice Blingee!

Botswana Meat Commission FC October 9, 2008 at 2:04 pm

The stupid alliterative name, the pasty pink skin, the complete lack of a top lip… Could he look any more douchey.?

Strappo October 9, 2008 at 2:04 pm

[re=127915]arf[/re]: Yes, it’s like “mother, lock up your little boys!”

I’m one of the gheys and I find him pukeworthy.

spencer October 9, 2008 at 2:04 pm
Strappo October 9, 2008 at 2:04 pm

[re=127931]Botswana Meat Commission FC[/re]: No. That’s definitive.

Serolf Divad October 9, 2008 at 2:05 pm

[re=127929]Ken Layne[/re]:
I second that. In fact, I daresay that’s the reason that Blingee exists.

norbizness October 9, 2008 at 2:06 pm

And don’t forget my upcoming How Hugh Hewitt Destroyed Satire… and Creeped Out Several Small Children With That Death-Grimace.

Strappo October 9, 2008 at 2:06 pm

[re=127928]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: Because he has his own planetariua at several of Cindy’s houses. And he wishes to deny the same educational opportunities to poor black kids that his brilliant daughter (name again? Cunterella?) had.

dano October 9, 2008 at 2:07 pm

He can’t get anyone to buy his book idea because New York City publishers are in the tank for literacy.

Norbert October 9, 2008 at 2:07 pm

dear Albino Stephen King,

I, Norbert, will step up to the plate and publish your book. Please have it typed into a computer and send me the file ASAP. Of course you understand that anything that comes out with the presigious Norbert imprint, I reserve the right to make changes to here and there.

TGY October 9, 2008 at 2:07 pm

Only Hugh can prevent Florist furriers.

Canmon (the Inadequate) October 9, 2008 at 2:07 pm

He should moderate the next debate.

choinski October 9, 2008 at 2:07 pm

I thought alternate-reality Alaskan political dystopia was already covered by Michael Chabon’s ‘The Yiddish Policemen’s Union’

AngryBlakGuy October 9, 2008 at 2:08 pm

…I thought they already published a book about Sarah Palin? “The Biblical Coloring Book”!

Strappo October 9, 2008 at 2:08 pm

[re=127918]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Bravo! Grrreat title!

Anonymous Office Zombie October 9, 2008 at 2:09 pm

Hewitt failed to understand the correct marketing strategy. Add more naked centerfold pics and he’ll find his publisher.

Lionel Hutz Esq. October 9, 2008 at 2:09 pm

Another title that didn’t get used:

Sarah Palin: Why masturbating to her picture does not make Little Jesus cry

Cogito Ergo Bibo October 9, 2008 at 2:10 pm

[re=127940]Strappo[/re]: I thought Cindy was rich enough to just request that the stars and planets swing by for a personal visit, whenever she’s feeling low. Which is a lot of the time, these days.

Garble October 9, 2008 at 2:11 pm

He looks like a ventriloquist dummy modeled after Phil Donahue.

Gopherit v2.0 October 9, 2008 at 2:12 pm

Brother, can’t you spare a book deal?

WhatTheHeck October 9, 2008 at 2:14 pm

The publishers figured there was no money in it for them unless they turned it into a comic book.
Palin’s base are into comic books because they don’t want to appear too intellectual.
Just picture Joe in front of the fireplace with a six-pack and comic in hand.

Whiskeybaby October 9, 2008 at 2:16 pm

But seriously, what does this Hugh Hewitt really look like? Because there’s no way that picture is of a carbon based life form, not even a republican one.

Gopherit v2.0 October 9, 2008 at 2:22 pm

[re=127963]Whiskeybaby[/re]: No, he’s human. He and Tim Gunn were separated at birth. Wonder who got the better part of that deal, huh?

shodan2020 October 9, 2008 at 2:22 pm

Are you guys sure the title of his book isn’t “How Sarah Palin Won My Erection… And Jerked Off America”?

obfuscator October 9, 2008 at 2:24 pm

[re=127960]WhatTheHeck[/re]: Moose Chick Tracts.

azw88 October 9, 2008 at 2:24 pm

26 years ago a local TV station (Tucson, AZ) did a behind the scenes documentary, following Jim Kolbe as he ran for Congress. Kolbe’s people’s only stipulation was that the documentary be shown AFTER the election. The planned title was “the making of a congressman”…. well, as fate would have it, Kolbe LOST that election…. TV station, with egg on its face, had to air the story under the lame, nonsensical title. “the making of a candidate”.

Preparing a book, documentary, or online ad claiming victory PRIOR to actually securing said victory is a sure way to guarantee a loss. Let him publish the damned book now!

shortsshortsshorts October 9, 2008 at 2:26 pm

Dat man is a homoseckshual.

arf October 9, 2008 at 2:36 pm

[re=127932]Strappo[/re]: That pic has me considering turning the ghey, as I think it may have ruined men for me.

Of course in our new hobo society, sexual preference will be obsolete. “Any port in a storm”. Yup. Yup.

accidental_tourist October 9, 2008 at 2:40 pm

[re=127890]UnindictedCo-conspirator[/re]: Broom.

Schadenfried October 9, 2008 at 2:53 pm

[re=127888]magic titty[/re]: Nah, that’s a little too Dr. Seus-ish for them, and Dr. Seus was a commie elitist.

Hamster October 9, 2008 at 2:54 pm

I have to stop myself from involuntarily punching my elitist Mac monitor everytime this botard’s picture pops up, almost like whack-a-mole. Good god is he crying?

Schadenfried October 9, 2008 at 2:55 pm

Can the Wonkette editors send this guy a plane ticket to Kenya?

nurple October 9, 2008 at 3:14 pm

I think he’s super-classy. You all are just jeal.

azw88 October 9, 2008 at 3:19 pm

Why are my posts not showing up?

Mo MoDo October 9, 2008 at 3:43 pm

[re=127946]choinski[/re]: And reactionary alternate history is so popular a genre. Surely a book about Palin winning can’t be any more far-fetched than all those books where the South won the Civil War or Hitler got The Bomb.

OzoneTom October 9, 2008 at 3:58 pm

Despite initial interest from several top publishers including Regenery, the author’s insistence on having his picture on the back cover was the deal-breaker in every case.

demian October 9, 2008 at 5:43 pm

Hugh Hewitt looks like a cenobite.

Maus October 9, 2008 at 5:52 pm

[re=128546]demian[/re]: Jesus wept indeed.

HuskyMescan October 9, 2008 at 6:10 pm

Who’s the nice gentlemen with Down Syndrome?

rocktonsammy October 9, 2008 at 7:18 pm

Isn’t he the guy who co-hosted a tee vee show with Tammy Faye?

I got dibs on the Toddster’s bio. Todd Palin “Alaska’s Biggest Pussy”

grevillea October 9, 2008 at 7:45 pm

Hey Hugh, redo it as a Word-Find Puzzle Book. Bitters eat that crap up. You can intersect “MOOSE” with “DOUCHE”, “LEVI” and “BRISTOL” natch, and oh I don’t know, “NUCULER” with “CLUELESS FUCKING INBRED STARTS ARMAGEDDON”.

andyousaythisbecause.... October 9, 2008 at 9:29 pm

So THIS is the face behind the voice! Well now we know why he works on the radio! Closeted homophobic if I’ve ever seen one. ech!

truthseeker October 9, 2008 at 11:01 pm

Amazing there would ever be a market for the drek Hewitt pushes. No he is not gay, he has been married to “The fetching Mrs. Hewitt” as he calls her on his show, for about 26 years. Amazing, a woman puts up with this schmo. He gets positively giddy over Romney!

catsmom October 10, 2008 at 3:43 am

Wow! His teeth are the same color as his hair!

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