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FAP FAP FAP FAPRadio and Internet wingnut Hugh Hewitt, one of the top starbursters (creepy conservative pundits who jerk it to Sarah Palin) out there, is working on a lovely book that he hopes to get published a week after the election. His agent sent the proposal to publishers all over literature’s New York City, and yet no one is biting. HOW COULD THEY NOT? Hugh Hewitt writes like the wind! And his book idea was grandiose and magical. It was to be called, How Sarah Palin Won the Election… And Saved America. No, really! [NY Observer]

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68 COMMENTS

  1. God that picture. He looks like the kind of person who gets coloring books for Christmas.

    Regarding “jerking it to Palin”- That’s a special kind of person right there. One notch below furries in my opinion.

  2. Seeing as it’s all make believe anyway, he should just pitch it as a children’s picture book about a little bespectacled lass who’s saved from witches and rides into Washington on a sparkly unicorn. Or a unimoose. A moosicorn.

  3. Huell Hauser looks like that London After MIdnight guy in this photo. Isn’t he busy enough discovering California Gold without pimping for Sarah “History’s Greatest Monster” Palin at the same time?

  4. His work isn’t even good enough to prop up a table with one uneven leg. Besides, when Sarah Palin wins the election all books will be burned.

  5. This guy has thought of EVERYTHING y’all!

    At one point it was How Sarah Palin Won the Election. At another point it was How Sarah Palin Won the Election … and Saved America.
    “If they were to lose the election it would have just been How Sarah Palin Saved America,”

  6. I’m writing a book called How Hugh Hewitt Lost Whatever Tiny Shred of Credibility He Had . . . And He’s Probably A Pedophile

    Of course, it’s fiction. Because Hugh Hewitt never had any credibility.

  7. Mr. Hewitt,
    We have reviewed your submission, and unfortunately, it does not meet our needs at this time.
    May we suggest that if you try to submit your proposal to other publishers, you might want to reconsider writing it in crayon. Also, some of our editors believe the chapter containing “Sarah Palin Hewitt” or “Sarah Hewitt” written over and over again was a little avant-garde for our market.
    Regards,
    The Publisher

  8. oh, and if the fap fap fap fap is him starbursting off to Palin then y’all are just fuckin wrong…there’s a special place in hell you betcha also

  9. Don’t worry Hugh — your book’s not alone on the ash heap of publishing history. It’s lying next to William Kristol’s How George Bush Transformed the Entire Middle East into a Thriving Capitalist Democracy; Dubya’s How I Privatized Social Security and Everybody Retired Rich; Bob Novak’s An Exhaustive Catalog of Saddam Hussein’s WMDs and Terrorist Ties; and Dick Cheney’s The Safe Way to Hunt Small, Flightless Birds.

  10. [re=127900]Mighty Rex[/re]: ah shit. Well, I had it first but I’ve been using hobo wine recently. I’ll switch back to hobo wine. I don’t think anyone gets it anyways.

  11. [re=127911]Sussemilch[/re]: Nice blingee!

    You know, Ms Winky is the kind of hottie that could bring a man like Hewitt back from teh gay. She’s so sexy! It’d be like doing your mom, you betcha! Which has always been the dream!

  12. “The intent was to finish the book by a week after the election, and to have it out before the inauguration.”

    Was that the plan regardless of who won?

    “The book obviously presumed [a McCain-Palin victory],” Mr. Yates said…

    Well, shit… I can’t for the life of me figure out why the book doesn’t have a publisher yet!

  13. Note to Chicagoland Wonketteers: Grampy personally pledged to kill the planetarium “overhead projector” during the town hall going on right now. Because he’s jealous of anything capable of simulating a big bang, I guess.

  14. [re=127928]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: Because he has his own planetariua at several of Cindy’s houses. And he wishes to deny the same educational opportunities to poor black kids that his brilliant daughter (name again? Cunterella?) had.

  15. dear Albino Stephen King,

    I, Norbert, will step up to the plate and publish your book. Please have it typed into a computer and send me the file ASAP. Of course you understand that anything that comes out with the presigious Norbert imprint, I reserve the right to make changes to here and there.

  16. [re=127940]Strappo[/re]: I thought Cindy was rich enough to just request that the stars and planets swing by for a personal visit, whenever she’s feeling low. Which is a lot of the time, these days.

  17. The publishers figured there was no money in it for them unless they turned it into a comic book.
    Palin’s base are into comic books because they don’t want to appear too intellectual.
    Just picture Joe in front of the fireplace with a six-pack and comic in hand.

  18. But seriously, what does this Hugh Hewitt really look like? Because there’s no way that picture is of a carbon based life form, not even a republican one.

  19. [re=127963]Whiskeybaby[/re]: No, he’s human. He and Tim Gunn were separated at birth. Wonder who got the better part of that deal, huh?

  20. 26 years ago a local TV station (Tucson, AZ) did a behind the scenes documentary, following Jim Kolbe as he ran for Congress. Kolbe’s people’s only stipulation was that the documentary be shown AFTER the election. The planned title was “the making of a congressman”…. well, as fate would have it, Kolbe LOST that election…. TV station, with egg on its face, had to air the story under the lame, nonsensical title. “the making of a candidate”.

    Preparing a book, documentary, or online ad claiming victory PRIOR to actually securing said victory is a sure way to guarantee a loss. Let him publish the damned book now!

  21. [re=127932]Strappo[/re]: That pic has me considering turning the ghey, as I think it may have ruined men for me.

    Of course in our new hobo society, sexual preference will be obsolete. “Any port in a storm”. Yup. Yup.

  22. I have to stop myself from involuntarily punching my elitist Mac monitor everytime this botard’s picture pops up, almost like whack-a-mole. Good god is he crying?

  23. [re=127946]choinski[/re]: And reactionary alternate history is so popular a genre. Surely a book about Palin winning can’t be any more far-fetched than all those books where the South won the Civil War or Hitler got The Bomb.

  24. Despite initial interest from several top publishers including Regenery, the author’s insistence on having his picture on the back cover was the deal-breaker in every case.

  25. Isn’t he the guy who co-hosted a tee vee show with Tammy Faye?

    I got dibs on the Toddster’s bio. Todd Palin “Alaska’s Biggest Pussy”

  26. Hey Hugh, redo it as a Word-Find Puzzle Book. Bitters eat that crap up. You can intersect “MOOSE” with “DOUCHE”, “LEVI” and “BRISTOL” natch, and oh I don’t know, “NUCULER” with “CLUELESS FUCKING INBRED STARTS ARMAGEDDON”.

  27. So THIS is the face behind the voice! Well now we know why he works on the radio! Closeted homophobic if I’ve ever seen one. ech!

  28. Amazing there would ever be a market for the drek Hewitt pushes. No he is not gay, he has been married to “The fetching Mrs. Hewitt” as he calls her on his show, for about 26 years. Amazing, a woman puts up with this schmo. He gets positively giddy over Romney!

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