MARTIAL ARTS PROFESSIONALS  10:45 am October 9, 2008

Putin Releases Long-Awaited Judo How-To DVD

by Sara K. Smith

But can he sink a three-pointer from downtown?Way back in December word leaked out that Vladimir Putin was working on a fancy judo video. That glorious day has arrived, and now when John McCain looks into Putin’s eyes he will see a “JU” in one eye and a “DO” in the other eye, with “I love you” written on his eyelids, just like in the Indiana Jones movie.

TECHNICALLY the new video, while called “Let’s Learn Judo with Vladimir Putin,” is not actually like an instructional dealy by him. It features various judo masters such as Boba Fett, and Putin just pops in every now and again to throw an old man to the ground, judo-style.

And thus are fulfilled the fantasies of veritable dozens of gay martial-arts KGB bare-breasted fishing freaks around the world.

Macho Putin in yet ANOTHER display of masculinity as he releases ‘Let’s learn judo with Vladimir’ DVD [Daily Mail]
Putin Stars in Instructional Judo Video [New York Times]

Related video

Hola wonkerados.

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JoeFannyPack October 9, 2008 at 10:48 am

Sarah Palin learned Judo by using a pair of binoculars and watching Putin practice on his balcony.

worrytron October 9, 2008 at 10:49 am

My question is.. how would Sarah Palin stand up to being thrown by Vladimir Putin?

Norbert October 9, 2008 at 10:49 am

Sensei Putin-san, please invade us (cf. earlier video from Ohio parking lot). Spaseeeeeba.

ManchuCandidate October 9, 2008 at 10:50 am

McCain has said he will respond with an exciting line of How To Videos to counter act the How To Video Gap with Roosha.

Among them:
Popping Pills With Cindy
John McCain’s Guide to Lobbyist Fucking
Bible Spice’s Foreign Policy for Fucktards

John’s HTV on How to Eat An Orange

Sussemilch October 9, 2008 at 10:50 am

Chuck Norris is still voting Huckabee.

CankleBiter October 9, 2008 at 10:51 am

This is just another example of a young, virile athletic wanna be world leader mocking the fact JAMAKAIN is a broken old man because of his FIVE AND HALF YEARS! Why is the liberal media so ageist?

InKnockYouUs October 9, 2008 at 10:52 am

Wow. Loved the bare-chested Putin. Maybe he and Obama can have a death match and like sell tickets for a billion a piece and refund their respective treasuries.

CankleBiter October 9, 2008 at 10:52 am

[re=127587]JoeFannyPack[/re]: Seriously how come Sara did not warn us of this new threat to Alaskan Independence?

Cogito Ergo Bibo October 9, 2008 at 10:57 am

Meh. I prefer the old school, Mr. Miyagi method of learning: wax on, wax off. Mad skillz AND a shiny car!

Delicious October 9, 2008 at 11:00 am

I found this old video but the quality sucks. It shows Putin getting flipped by a little kid.

Somebody find me a better Putin video, or get this new one online, post-haste!

Gopherit v2.0 October 9, 2008 at 11:03 am

Hmmm. Wonder if Dubya’s “How to Eat a Pretzel” DVD is due in time for the Holidays?

el_burrito October 9, 2008 at 11:03 am

See what happens when Palin takes her eyes off Russia.

TGY October 9, 2008 at 11:04 am

Napoleon Solo Putin? Eh, once a spy, always a spy. He probably poisons pigeons in the park (musically) to keep his hand in with cyanide.

Servo October 9, 2008 at 11:04 am

What a contrast to our loser president throwing cut brush into the bed of his F-350.

Rush October 9, 2008 at 11:06 am

and our dorky pres. can’t say nu-cu-ler

FMA October 9, 2008 at 11:07 am

One question: Does Putin “rear his head” in this video?

AngryBlakGuy October 9, 2008 at 11:11 am

…do Eskimos have a special martial art or fighting style? How are they going to defend themselves when Putin rears his head?!

Itsjustme October 9, 2008 at 11:12 am

Anyone see the comment from Norm in Pocatello? What a dipshit.

InKnockYouUs October 9, 2008 at 11:13 am

[re=127602]Delicious[/re]: This is better: drunk Putin.

shoeho October 9, 2008 at 11:13 am

Shoo, shoo! ***Alaskan on Putintapegate***

Harold_Ignoramis October 9, 2008 at 11:19 am

Vlad: “Jew-Doh!”

TGY October 9, 2008 at 11:21 am

[re=127614]FMA[/re]: No, but possibly he ‘heads his rear’.

Jobbotch October 9, 2008 at 11:22 am

Hope it does better than Eyebrow Trimming With Leonid Brezhnev.

magic titty October 9, 2008 at 11:22 am

Don’t you think Bushie and McShits are jealous of Putin in a thousand different ways? He’s exemplifies their version of a man better than they ever could.

Servo October 9, 2008 at 11:24 am

“On my training table, you’ll always find…little chocolate donuts.”

SayItWithWookies October 9, 2008 at 11:25 am

One of the nicer aspects of absolute power (at least observed from a distance) is that it allows the bearer to ascend to his level of incompetence much faster than he could in a normal setting. I’m sure Putin now thinks he’s also an economic and military genius as well as a martial-arts badass. This sorta reminds me of that Ferdinand Marcos shadowboxing video that came out after he was deposed. I’m sure some detailed book about his personal philosophy, suitable for the edification of Russia’s young, is in the works if it’s not out already.

InKnockYouUs October 9, 2008 at 11:25 am

You didn’t put in the part about Putin saving people from the wild tiger. This guy is just such a he-man:

No cameras were rolling when Mr. Putin was said to have tranquilized the tiger as it stalked the journalists who had accompanied the prime minister and some scientists on a scientific expedition to Russia’s Far East in late August.

Delicious October 9, 2008 at 11:25 am

Putin is also a master of the Russian martial art of Sambo!

Putin to Pres. Obama: “Let me teach you Sambo.”

medici October 9, 2008 at 11:25 am

His hands are registered as deadly weapons with the KGB.

TJBeck October 9, 2008 at 11:27 am

Just wait for President Obama’s instructional video about stone cold rainin’ 3s on your cracka russian ass.

StrangelyBrown October 9, 2008 at 11:30 am

Next up from Putin will be a grainy night-vision sex tape, followed by a “Lose Weight Now, Ask Me How” infomercial.

lilblackcorvette October 9, 2008 at 11:39 am
TJBeck October 9, 2008 at 11:40 am

Weapons of choice:
Putin: Bare hands
McCain: Sledgehammer
Obama: Scalpel
Bush: Chainsaw
Cheney: Shotgun
Palin: Hockey Stick
Biden: um… ?
Gore: Laser pointer
Clinton (w/vagina): Kitchen Sink
Clinton (w/penis): Penis
Achmenenendijihad: Lump of enriched uranium
Kim Jong Il: Secret poison darts hidden in sides of sunglasses, plus sharks with frikin’ laser beams, and nuclear weapons

ihasasad October 9, 2008 at 11:41 am

Hes gonna do a Valley Drop on that there Wasilla valley girl

bluebrazos October 9, 2008 at 11:44 am

If you rear your head and fly into Putin’s airspace he will cold judo chop your ass right back to Alaska!

Not_So_Much October 9, 2008 at 11:44 am

[re=127598]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: For twenty years now I always thought that was “whacks on, whacks off”. Not only is my car not shiny, I have totally been doing it wrong.

shortsshortsshorts October 9, 2008 at 11:48 am

In Soviet Russia, Judo teaches YOU.

Outstando October 9, 2008 at 11:49 am

[re=127641]Servo[/re]: “they taste great, and they have the sugar I need to get going.”

HomoPolitico October 9, 2008 at 11:50 am

I’m gonna start writing my Obama/Putin slashfic right now!

TJBeck October 9, 2008 at 11:50 am

1. Vladimir Putin’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Vladimir Putin counted to infinity – twice.
3. Vladimir Putin does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Vladimir Putin goes killing.
4. If you can see Vladimir Putin, he can see you. If you can’t see Vladimir Putin you may be only seconds away from death.
5. Vladimir Putin sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Vlad roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
6. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Vladimir Putin.
7. Vladimir Putin has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there.
8. They once made a Vladimir Putin toilet paper, but it wouldn’t take shit from anybody.
9. A blind man once stepped on Vladimir Putin’ shoe. Vlad replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Vladimir Putin!” The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Vladimir Putin.
10. Vladimir Putin is 1/8th Mongol. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Mongolian.

shortsshortsshorts October 9, 2008 at 11:54 am

[re=127678]TJBeck[/re]: How can anyone even try to overcome that? That is what we call an epic win comment, given to us by our apparent new overlord, TJBeck.

obfuscator October 9, 2008 at 11:56 am

“Strike first, strike hard, no mercy SIR!”

Mista Eko October 9, 2008 at 12:03 pm


Following the horrible farce of Kimbo Slice’s Saturday Night 14 second defeat, EliteXC has just signed Vladimir Putin as their newest headliner contract star. Look for him to face a swath of Ukranian and Lithuanian tomato cans.

Cape Clod October 9, 2008 at 12:04 pm

[re=127660]TJBeck[/re]:Biden’s video invloves him pulling a locomotive all by himself. The point he’s trying to make with it is elusive.

TJBeck October 9, 2008 at 12:08 pm

[re=127683]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I’ll give some credit to [re=127645]medici[/re] – I think that gave me the idea

frailamerica October 9, 2008 at 12:14 pm

Putin by armbar!

theantidc October 9, 2008 at 12:15 pm

A gift to you all. Vintage Putin. DAAAAAAAAAY-UM!

You’re welcome.

CivicHoliday October 9, 2008 at 12:30 pm

[re=127660]TJBeck[/re]: Biden’s weapon of choice is a Train to Delaware

lumpenprole October 9, 2008 at 12:30 pm

He’s been on this he-man thing for quite a while now – tiger-slaying, hunting without a shirt, taking foreign leaders backpacking so he can show them how he can kill a moose with an unkind word and then cook it on the spot with a ferocious gaze. I won’t be surprised if he builds a nude colossus of himself in the Kremlim.

Godot October 9, 2008 at 12:52 pm

Judo? What kind of unpatriotic loser is this guy? A true Russian patriot would have made a sambo DVD!

lawrenceofthedesert October 9, 2008 at 1:01 pm

More thinly veiled left-wing bigotry — so some Jews have money, what of it? Do Russians, with their long history of anti-Semitism, have to keep bringing it up? On Yom Kippur, no less!?! This is even worse than talking about putting animal-tested cosmetics on a traif animal. Once a Commie, always a Commie!

Norbert October 9, 2008 at 1:32 pm

[re=127749]lumpenprole[/re]: haha! then we will have a nude colossus gap. (please Obama win, please Obama win***)

azw88 October 9, 2008 at 1:33 pm

[re=127727]theantidc[/re]: Is that Sarah Palin and Vlad Putin, gazing at each other across the Bering Sea????

donner_froh October 9, 2008 at 1:39 pm

[re=127619]InKnockYouUs[/re]: He must be really drunk. I couldn’t understand a word he said.

Miller October 9, 2008 at 1:44 pm

His technique of having your opponent poisoned before you even start the fight is an effective strategy.

Watchreader October 9, 2008 at 2:11 pm

allthis talk and no link to actual Putin Judo footage?

TJBeck October 9, 2008 at 4:33 pm

[re=127683]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: BTW, now that I’m overlord – you’re banned! [maniacal laughter]

PoJunk October 10, 2008 at 2:53 am

All I can see in the eyes of this post is a K a G and a B. He he. My friends.

JohnnyMeatworth October 10, 2008 at 10:18 am

and he just got a tiger for his birthday!

is there anything this badass can’t do? next he’ll stab jesus in the face!

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