Putin Releases Long-Awaited Judo How-To DVD

  martial arts professionals

But can he sink a three-pointer from downtown?Way back in December word leaked out that Vladimir Putin was working on a fancy judo video. That glorious day has arrived, and now when John McCain looks into Putin’s eyes he will see a “JU” in one eye and a “DO” in the other eye, with “I love you” written on his eyelids, just like in the Indiana Jones movie.

TECHNICALLY the new video, while called “Let’s Learn Judo with Vladimir Putin,” is not actually like an instructional dealy by him. It features various judo masters such as Boba Fett, and Putin just pops in every now and again to throw an old man to the ground, judo-style.

And thus are fulfilled the fantasies of veritable dozens of gay martial-arts KGB bare-breasted fishing freaks around the world.

Macho Putin in yet ANOTHER display of masculinity as he releases ‘Let’s learn judo with Vladimir’ DVD [Daily Mail]
Putin Stars in Instructional Judo Video [New York Times]

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Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

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59 comments

  1. JoeFannyPack

    Sarah Palin learned Judo by using a pair of binoculars and watching Putin practice on his balcony.

  2. ManchuCandidate

    McCain has said he will respond with an exciting line of How To Videos to counter act the How To Video Gap with Roosha.

    Among them:
    Popping Pills With Cindy
    John McCain’s Guide to Lobbyist Fucking
    Bible Spice’s Foreign Policy for Fucktards

    Finally
    John’s HTV on How to Eat An Orange

  3. CankleBiter

    This is just another example of a young, virile athletic wanna be world leader mocking the fact JAMAKAIN is a broken old man because of his FIVE AND HALF YEARS! Why is the liberal media so ageist?

  4. InKnockYouUs

    Wow. Loved the bare-chested Putin. Maybe he and Obama can have a death match and like sell tickets for a billion a piece and refund their respective treasuries.

  5. CankleBiter

    [re=127587]JoeFannyPack[/re]: Seriously how come Sara did not warn us of this new threat to Alaskan Independence?

  6. Cogito Ergo Bibo

    Meh. I prefer the old school, Mr. Miyagi method of learning: wax on, wax off. Mad skillz AND a shiny car!

  7. TGY

    Napoleon Solo Putin? Eh, once a spy, always a spy. He probably poisons pigeons in the park (musically) to keep his hand in with cyanide.

  8. AngryBlakGuy

    …do Eskimos have a special martial art or fighting style? How are they going to defend themselves when Putin rears his head?!

  9. magic titty

    Don’t you think Bushie and McShits are jealous of Putin in a thousand different ways? He’s exemplifies their version of a man better than they ever could.

  10. SayItWithWookies

    One of the nicer aspects of absolute power (at least observed from a distance) is that it allows the bearer to ascend to his level of incompetence much faster than he could in a normal setting. I’m sure Putin now thinks he’s also an economic and military genius as well as a martial-arts badass. This sorta reminds me of that Ferdinand Marcos shadowboxing video that came out after he was deposed. I’m sure some detailed book about his personal philosophy, suitable for the edification of Russia’s young, is in the works if it’s not out already.

  11. InKnockYouUs

    You didn’t put in the part about Putin saving people from the wild tiger. This guy is just such a he-man:

    No cameras were rolling when Mr. Putin was said to have tranquilized the tiger as it stalked the journalists who had accompanied the prime minister and some scientists on a scientific expedition to Russia’s Far East in late August.

  12. Delicious

    Putin is also a master of the Russian martial art of Sambo!

    Putin to Pres. Obama: “Let me teach you Sambo.”

  13. TJBeck

    Just wait for President Obama’s instructional video about stone cold rainin’ 3s on your cracka russian ass.

  14. StrangelyBrown

    Next up from Putin will be a grainy night-vision sex tape, followed by a “Lose Weight Now, Ask Me How” infomercial.

  15. TJBeck

    Weapons of choice:
    Putin: Bare hands
    McCain: Sledgehammer
    Obama: Scalpel
    Bush: Chainsaw
    Cheney: Shotgun
    Palin: Hockey Stick
    Biden: um… ?
    Gore: Laser pointer
    Clinton (w/vagina): Kitchen Sink
    Clinton (w/penis): Penis
    Achmenenendijihad: Lump of enriched uranium
    Kim Jong Il: Secret poison darts hidden in sides of sunglasses, plus sharks with frikin’ laser beams, and nuclear weapons

  16. bluebrazos

    If you rear your head and fly into Putin’s airspace he will cold judo chop your ass right back to Alaska!

  17. Not_So_Much

    [re=127598]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: For twenty years now I always thought that was “whacks on, whacks off”. Not only is my car not shiny, I have totally been doing it wrong.

  18. TJBeck

    1. Vladimir Putin’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
    2. Vladimir Putin counted to infinity – twice.
    3. Vladimir Putin does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Vladimir Putin goes killing.
    4. If you can see Vladimir Putin, he can see you. If you can’t see Vladimir Putin you may be only seconds away from death.
    5. Vladimir Putin sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Vlad roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
    6. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Vladimir Putin.
    7. Vladimir Putin has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there.
    8. They once made a Vladimir Putin toilet paper, but it wouldn’t take shit from anybody.
    9. A blind man once stepped on Vladimir Putin’ shoe. Vlad replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Vladimir Putin!” The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Vladimir Putin.
    10. Vladimir Putin is 1/8th Mongol. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Mongolian.

  19. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=127678]TJBeck[/re]: How can anyone even try to overcome that? That is what we call an epic win comment, given to us by our apparent new overlord, TJBeck.

  20. Mista Eko

    *breaking*

    Following the horrible farce of Kimbo Slice’s Saturday Night 14 second defeat, EliteXC has just signed Vladimir Putin as their newest headliner contract star. Look for him to face a swath of Ukranian and Lithuanian tomato cans.

  21. Cape Clod

    [re=127660]TJBeck[/re]:Biden’s video invloves him pulling a locomotive all by himself. The point he’s trying to make with it is elusive.

  22. TJBeck

    [re=127683]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I’ll give some credit to [re=127645]medici[/re] – I think that gave me the idea

  23. lumpenprole

    He’s been on this he-man thing for quite a while now – tiger-slaying, hunting without a shirt, taking foreign leaders backpacking so he can show them how he can kill a moose with an unkind word and then cook it on the spot with a ferocious gaze. I won’t be surprised if he builds a nude colossus of himself in the Kremlim.

  24. Godot

    Judo? What kind of unpatriotic loser is this guy? A true Russian patriot would have made a sambo DVD!

  25. lawrenceofthedesert

    More thinly veiled left-wing bigotry — so some Jews have money, what of it? Do Russians, with their long history of anti-Semitism, have to keep bringing it up? On Yom Kippur, no less!?! This is even worse than talking about putting animal-tested cosmetics on a traif animal. Once a Commie, always a Commie!

  26. Norbert

    [re=127749]lumpenprole[/re]: haha! then we will have a nude colossus gap. (please Obama win, please Obama win***)

  27. azw88

    [re=127727]theantidc[/re]: Is that Sarah Palin and Vlad Putin, gazing at each other across the Bering Sea????

  28. donner_froh

    [re=127619]InKnockYouUs[/re]: He must be really drunk. I couldn’t understand a word he said.

  29. TJBeck

    [re=127683]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: BTW, now that I’m overlord – you’re banned! [maniacal laughter]

Comments are closed.