• May 26, 2012

Secret Bailout Bill Rider! ‘All Washington Citizens Must Drink Filthy Blood’

by Jim Newell  5:16 pm October 7, 2008

Local Wonkette operative “Charlotte” (who is “home sick from work” today, so wish her a speedy recovery/death!) sends us this photo of her sink in Washington. It now only pours monster blood. This is something Jesus predicted would happen, in the Bible, and since Washington is a leading indicator of all “Apocalyptic happenings,” our advice remains the same: BUY CANNED GOODS. (And bottled water; that is so fucking disgusting good god.)

{ 68 comments }

HedonismBot October 7, 2008 at 5:20 pm

No wonder Charlotte’s sick.

whore4hope October 7, 2008 at 5:20 pm

I hope the Rapture comes before November 4th.

qwerty42 October 7, 2008 at 5:21 pm

the end of days are upon us. the locusts will be next.

soytrucknutz October 7, 2008 at 5:21 pm

Congress should investigate why Campbell’s Soup is trying to artificially raise the price of its canned tomato soup by pouring so much of it down the drain.

Cogito Ergo Bibo October 7, 2008 at 5:22 pm

Ain’t no amount of boiling gonna make that safe to drink.

queeraselvis v 2.0 October 7, 2008 at 5:23 pm

Still waiting on the plague of locusts to come flying in from Alexandria, or mutant frogs to start perambulating out of the Potomac.

Iggy Plop October 7, 2008 at 5:23 pm

o.k. after the glowing red truck nutz, this is only like sign number six hundred sixty-six that we’re at the end of the world. your cue, Sarah Palin.

The Jackson Five October 7, 2008 at 5:23 pm

We should all be so lucky to have soup run from our faucet…I gotta make my hobo stew with my neighbor’s hedges so I’m actually pretty jealous about now.

UnindictedCo-conspirator October 7, 2008 at 5:24 pm

What’s the problem? It’s a delicious tomato soup fountain! A blessing from Jesus if ever I saw one.

seriesoftubescleaner October 7, 2008 at 5:24 pm

Damn, I could’ve had a V8.

Fear of a Black Reagan October 7, 2008 at 5:24 pm

How’d you get V8 in your tap? Drink it, Charlotte! Full day’s serving of vegetables and so forth…

SayItWithWookies October 7, 2008 at 5:25 pm

Go ahead, drink up — it’s cleaner than the water.

tinybubbles October 7, 2008 at 5:25 pm

Glad I don’t live there anymore. I cannot stand monster blood.

Varchar October 7, 2008 at 5:25 pm

Calm down. That’s just oxidation in the pipes. Although, I do remember Avery Brooks narrating some Science of the Ten Plagues thing that said that’s what the original Nile Blood was as well. Uh oh.

SayItWithWookies October 7, 2008 at 5:26 pm

[re=124168]The Jackson Five[/re]: And it’s a good thing it’s tomato — the minestrone clogs the pipes like mad.

sezme October 7, 2008 at 5:26 pm

Why buy canned soup when it comes out of the pipes for free?

jagorev October 7, 2008 at 5:27 pm

[re=124166]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: No mutant frogs in DC right now? Oh that’s right, Barney Frank is on vacation.

TGY October 7, 2008 at 5:28 pm

Apuckerlips now!

freakishlystrong October 7, 2008 at 5:29 pm

Man, sorry girl, you must be havin’ a heavy cycle!

NoWireHangers October 7, 2008 at 5:29 pm

That’s either V8 or the work of Vigo Carpathian.

Fear of a Black Reagan October 7, 2008 at 5:30 pm

OMG I AM SO UNORIGINAL EVERYONE BEAT ME WITH TOMATO SOUP/V8 COMMENTS!!!!

Clearly a sign of the apocalypse… or perhaps Joe Lieberman is celebrating Passover early this year in his home – in the Washington sewers!

Cogito Ergo Bibo October 7, 2008 at 5:30 pm

[re=124166]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: [re=124183]jagorev[/re]: Oh it’ll be much worse than locusts or mutant frogs. It’ll probably be a McCain/Palin rally.

Gopherit v2.0 October 7, 2008 at 5:31 pm

Waiting for the killing of the First Born. Someone should warn Track Palin before he catches a bullet.

jagorev October 7, 2008 at 5:31 pm

The cannibalism we will all be eventually reduced to doesn’t have to be a culinary disaster. Here’s a recipe idea:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1070290/Former-Mr-Gay-UK-slit-boyfriends-throat-marinated-diced-flesh-fresh-herbs.html

Licensed Analrapist October 7, 2008 at 5:31 pm

Charlotte, do you live at Cheney’s house?

greatgooglymoogly October 7, 2008 at 5:31 pm

[re=124168]The Jackson Five[/re]: Hedges? You got HEDGES?!? Why, in my neckathawoods, we gotta sift through the bones of cannabalized intruders to find the few weeds still poking out of the lava, which we cook under broken mirrors reflecting the last of the sun’s rays. An’ we LOVE IT! We’d KILL fer hedges, ya spoiled snot-nose bum!

Cogito Ergo Bibo October 7, 2008 at 5:33 pm

[re=124194]jagorev[/re]: Does that recipe go with a nice chianti?

The Station Manager October 7, 2008 at 5:33 pm

Hey, that is not blood. That’s the sauce that comes with Spaghetti-Os! Orange Gold.

azw88 October 7, 2008 at 5:37 pm

Lucky bitch! She’s stuck home sick and her house dispenses Campbell’s Tomato soup, which non-jewish mothers always fed their kids during the cold days of winter. Now that we are in the cold winter days of economic doom, she is set….

pinkdc October 7, 2008 at 5:37 pm

That’s my sink! I called WASA http://www.dcwasa.com/, who told me it was iron that was getting in the water because of local construction and that it was “safe to drink, but I probably wouldn’t want to do that” Needless to say, I’m switching to bottled water…

Paulitik October 7, 2008 at 5:40 pm

Thanks, another reminder that it’s that time of the month for my girlfriend.

shortsshortsshorts October 7, 2008 at 5:42 pm

[re=124209]pinkdc[/re]: Since when was D.C. water “safe to drink?” I wouldn’t mow the lawn with that arsenic.

Gopherit v2.0 October 7, 2008 at 5:42 pm

[re=124209]pinkdc[/re]: Hahahahaha! You had to call them. Nice of them to care. “Oh, you mean you don’t like your water to look like a bad stool sample?”

Smoke Filled Roommate October 7, 2008 at 5:43 pm

Is she sure she didn’t have the faucet on Clamato?

ManchuCandidate October 7, 2008 at 5:44 pm

Hmmmmm, A One A Day Vitamin in liquid form.

HedonismBot October 7, 2008 at 5:45 pm

[re=124189]NoWireHangers[/re]: Killer Ghostbusters reference!
Palin/Vigo 2012!

HedonismBot October 7, 2008 at 5:45 pm

[re=124189]NoWireHangers[/re]: Vigo/Zool 2016?

facehead October 7, 2008 at 5:46 pm

Good thing I found this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R25Eflr0oJ8&feature=related

I am facehead and I approve this survival tip.

Jebediah October 7, 2008 at 5:46 pm

Palin is pulling out the middle school class president tricks, but has adjusted from “Coke in the water fountains” to a more canned-good-hoarding-hobo-friendly approach.

Sean O October 7, 2008 at 5:48 pm

[re=124209]pinkdc[/re]: Helpful, WASA! Don’t drink the bloodshit water, got it.

sanantonerose October 7, 2008 at 5:48 pm

[re=124200]The Station Manager[/re]: Yep. That’s the right color exACTLY. I know because it’s what I’m having for dinner. No meatballs.

Fivetree October 7, 2008 at 5:49 pm

Are dogs running in packs yet? Has the Whore of Babylon established dominion? I didn’t think so. I think it’s REALLY REALLY rusty pipes. Either that or it’s the blood of virgin. Oh scratch that, it’d be too damned difficult to come up with that many in the D.C. area.

pinkdc October 7, 2008 at 5:49 pm

shortsshortsshorts: true true… Not even Britta can save me now

NoWireHangers October 7, 2008 at 5:50 pm

[re=124225]HedonismBot[/re]: I always figured Palin was the Gatekeeper and WALNUTS! was the Keymaster…

Kev-O-Tron October 7, 2008 at 5:52 pm

[re=124220]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: “I wouldn’t mow the lawn with that…” are you drinking at work again or is this some new San Francisco Values(tm) thing I don’t get?

shortsshortsshorts October 7, 2008 at 5:59 pm

[re=124247]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: I’ve been to D.C. enough times to know that it is not exactly the Amazon Rain Forest of city environmental situations.

And there’s been lots of Sweet Crude in SF water recently, and look what that does in cars! IT REALLY GITS ‘EM GOIN’.

Gopherit v2.0 October 7, 2008 at 6:02 pm

[re=124247]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: Duh. You can do that in DC because the water is hard.

btwbfdimho October 7, 2008 at 6:02 pm

Just soak your balls in the sink and you don’t have to buy the glowing Truck Nutz!

Lascauxcaveman October 7, 2008 at 6:03 pm

[re=124209]pinkdc[/re]: I’ve seen same effect when I lived in teh big city and they were replacing water mains in the nabe. After awhile, it’ll run clear, but you’ll prolly want to get a Brita anyway if you’re drinking DC water.

The biggest hassle is if you get enough rust chunks in the sink filters (both at the tap and the lines coming out of the wall) to have to take all that junk apart and clean it.

Don’t buy more bottled water than you absolutely need, though. And recycle the damn bottles, please.

HuskyMescan October 7, 2008 at 6:03 pm

(sigh) I’ve always wanted a faucet that squirts orange slurpee.

FreshCliches October 7, 2008 at 6:06 pm

Charlotte, you’re missing out on a primo opportunity here. Don’t you see the Sacred-Heart-o-Jeebus pattern in that there “blood”?

$10 a head to see a Holy Vision = Cha-ching!

pinkdc October 7, 2008 at 6:19 pm

[re=124264]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: based on my photo above, I’d say it’s a little late to be saving the environment

OzoneTom October 7, 2008 at 6:20 pm

It’s got Electrolytes! It’s what plants crave!

azw88 October 7, 2008 at 6:26 pm

[re=124216]Paulitik[/re]: Poor bastard……. unless you like that sorta thing.

keepinitrealyo October 7, 2008 at 6:30 pm

[re=124239]Fivetree[/re]: The whore of Babylon… you really know how to feed a straight line, dontcha.

Dientes October 7, 2008 at 6:30 pm

[re=124279]OzoneTom[/re]: Idiocracy! We are already there.

Bucky Katt October 7, 2008 at 6:42 pm

Charlotte –
Go to your refrigerator. Open the door. If there is not a demon inside who growls “Zuul,” your water is probably ok.

PioBaroja October 7, 2008 at 6:53 pm

I for one welcome our new demonic overlords. They can’t be any worse than the ones we’re currently under. Gotta go, my girlfriend just turned into a dog…

natoslug October 7, 2008 at 6:54 pm

[re=124153]qwerty42[/re]: I hope so — locusts are high in protein and tasty when lightly fried and dipped in chocolate: http://www.faculty.de.gcsu.edu/~cbader/ghprecwithinsects.html

WikipediaBrown October 7, 2008 at 7:32 pm

LMFAO. That’s exactly what the water here in Baltimore looks like!

Blah in Shaw October 7, 2008 at 7:32 pm

It looks like that sink just went from “toss up” to “lean McCain.” Country Thirst!

AnglRdr October 7, 2008 at 7:36 pm

That “water” looks like it’d be tasty mixed with some vodka.

But, seriously, that’s not mere oxidation. That’s the Red Cross getting rid of spare blood products. A lot of them.

Botswana Meat Commission FC October 7, 2008 at 8:06 pm

I’m in the mood for a grilled cheese sandwich now.

CaptainMorgan October 7, 2008 at 8:22 pm

[re=124229]facehead[/re]: Mmmmm…elephant dung juice.

demian October 7, 2008 at 9:00 pm

If you are talking about washington state, that happens to our water every time Dino Rossi forces himself to think about ladies while masterbating.

WIDTAP October 8, 2008 at 10:39 am

[re=124229]facehead[/re]: Dude – I am so not doing my next debate drinking game with you.

capt. tim October 8, 2008 at 12:17 pm

I just read the blood in the sink part of “IT” this morning.

blood in stool March 24, 2009 at 4:36 pm

I wouldn’t drink that…lol

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