Wonkette
Have you heard about the great new hilarious comedy about how libtards are communists? No? Well, that’s hardly a surprise, what with the Illuminati trying to keep you from seeing this great new hilarious comedy. It is about how Michael Moore (remember him? crazy times!) is so fat, and then he quits being Anti-American and helps bomb another poor country somewhere so he can “feel good about America” again. You know, comedy! Too bad there’s a Global Conspiracy to keep you from seeing this patriotism!
The movie is called An American Carol. They were giving away tickets at the GOP convention in St. Paul, to some free screening, but nobody wanted to see it. After all, there was a hurricane somewhere. Also, everybody heard this movie was lame. Why? Because brain-dead military-worshiping fascist apologists just aren’t that funny — especially when their Humor Targets are harmless nobodies who ineffectively protest against a crushing power structure.
Anyway, the makers of this Hollywood entertainment are super angry that a) nobody will go see this movie and b) the few who saw it say it’s an embarrassment. It opened big on 1,600+ movie screens, yet it flopped.
So, obviously, there is a conspiracy to keep the nation’s toilet-humor-loving social conservatives from seeing a movie that bravely mocks Muslims and other brown and/or gay people. And, uh, the multiplex ticket clerks must be involved, right? Right?!
This is, honestly, from the promotional website for the movie An American Carol:
We have had heard from numerous people across the country that there has been some ticket fraud when buying a ticket for An American Carol this past weekend.
Please check your ticket. If you were in fact one of those people that were “mistakenly” sold a ticket for another movie please fill out the form below. Hold on to your ticket so we can have proof.
If you have noticed other irregularities with the theatres in your area please let us know in the comment section below. For instance, Rated R film rating (when in fact we are rated PG-13), posters not being up, not being listed on the marquee, image or focus problems, sound issues, etc.
Please email us a picture of your ticket stub to fraud@americancarol.com
We are investigating.
An American Carol FRAUD
American Carol Flops [Sean Hannity]
Michael Moore is soooo fat … that when he sits around the house …
HE SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!!!!
I am surprised that no one went to see this hot garbage. Shame on America! I hope Drudge is on the case! Developin’….
Rumors of ticket fraud used to fight the reek of a flop: Kevin Costner and Eddie Murphy seen taking notes.
I DECLARE JIHAD on Hollywood for this.
Great Googly Moogly, does Revolta have a fuckin’ badger stuffed down his trousers?
I tried to buy a ticket for American Carol, and they gave me a ticket for an abortion.
That American Carol Fraud website is priceless! I’m sure movie theater owners (who are all America hating liberals, haven’t you heard?) have engaged in a conspiracy by instructing their ticket counter clerks to print out a ticket for the wrong movie if anyone asks to see “An American Carol.” Because that’s just what a theater operator wants, slow moving lines because of irate customers who were handed a ticket for the wrong show.
Are people so stupid that if they bought a ticket to a movie no one else is watching and the ticket was for a different movie they wouldn’t just walk into the empty theater and garb a seat?
Maybe people can’t go because the the theater is denying access to anyone with a foreclsed home….
In a wonderful touch of irony, it turns out that theater ticket machines are made by Diebold.
So nice of them to leave a space for comments. Hope they’re not too mad at that guy who sent them something from maybeyourmoviesucks@eatme.com.
Every time I tried to buy a ticket for An American Carol, my conscience punched me in the dick. To whom should I address my complaint?
Hee hee hee hee hee.
This story has made five more giggles than the actual movie.
Can’t they face up to the fact that American Carol is less funny that Disaster Movie?
If I buy a ticket to movie that is not “An American Carol” is that fraud or just common sense?
I just hope the ghost of Patton comes out of the grave and beats Kelsey Grammer about the head for playing him.
I’d rather be forced to watch Freddie Got Fingered Clockwork Orange-style than to see this slag.
This movie looks so insufferably bad. Just drink some fucking fixer and hallucinate instead, and send me your ten bucks. I promise it will be better.
Remember American Dreamz? And how it came out like 3 years after the whole “more people vote for American Idol than President” thing was relevant and also wasn’t funny?
This is just like that.
After martial law is declared and we are all sent to live in American concentration camps we will be forced to watch An American Carol until our eyes bleed. The guards at the camps will become scanners through second hand exposure, and the rats we eat will turn into green frog monsters.
But, but, he’s fat, you stupid bitches! Just like Hannity! Why don’t you laugh!!!!?
UglyLoser: win
S.Luggo: There were similar conspiracy theories about “Waterworld.”
America obviously hates America, as Religious did nearly the same box office on one-third the screens.
Just further proof that America is in the tank.
Why would any theater manager give two flying flips about this movie is beyond me.
Jeebus, the movie could flop just because it sucked so badly even teenage boys hated it, it has to be a liberal conspiracy. ***must go get drunk with last of 401K***
Steve Zucker Invetigates
This reminds me of when The Passion of the Christ came out, and people in the town where I went to college made national news by freaking out over tickets with “666″ in the serial number
http://www.usatoday.com/life/movies/news/2004-03-01-666-tickets_x.htm
From IMdB: “most reviewers don’t agree with the politics, which put the movie at risk.”
No no no. Most viewers don’t want to see a shitty movie, which is how the McCain/Palin feature ends.
Good lord, my parents are gonna go see this garbage.
Retards.
“Because brain-dead military-worshiping fascist apologists just aren’t that funny — especially when their Humor Targets are harmless nobodies who ineffectively protest against a crushing power structure.”
I disagree, they are HILARIOUS. Schadenfreude anyone?
And “crushing power structure”? Pleeeeease. The only thing it crushes is the hopes of children. And they usually deserve it.
Ticket fraud? Hoo boy, those guys are paranoid.
TICKETSELLER: “K, two for American Carol here’s your stubs, the auditorium’s on the far right, past the men’s room.”
PATRON: “Hey! These stubs are for that Chihuahua movie.”
TICKETSELLER: “Ooops, my bad. Thass OK, just go on over the auditorium on the right.”
TICKETSELLER: (Under his breath: “Bwaahh Haa Haw! Another nine bucks for Gay, Godless, Communism!)
Apparently, Gary Coleman is in it. His character is “Bacon Stains Malone”. So he must be the guy who sent the package to Boner’s office. Why does Gary Coleman hate America?
I would rather see Beverly Hills Chihuahua.
Wait…this came out already?
It’s not that theatre owners are anti-conservative. They’re pro-chihuahua.
I hear even Walnuts won’t go see it. “Any movie that doesn’t include at least one gang rape can’t possibly be funny” he reportedly said.
It felt so good to see this piece of shit tank. You may remember director/writer David Zucker as the director of the Naked Gun films. Those were okay movies. Then he turned wingnut post 9/11 for “national security” reasons. Then he shat out this turd. The best thing is that this movie opened on 3 times as many screens as Religulous and made about the same amount of money. The hilarious thing is that they are so very in denial that they think their shit film is worthy of conspiracy. No, honey. People saw the trailer and were embarrassed for you. The premise is that Michael Moore hates America. They say this because he made a documentary that criticized the Bush Administration’s response to 9/11 and the subsequent war in Iraq. Maybe they could have gotten away with this shit premise 5 years ago, but not today. Also Bill O’Reilly has a cameo. Kids love bill O’Reily more than Disney chihuahuas I hear…
Republicans are devoid of humor, (THUS irony), they can’t even release a movie without the word “fraud” associated with it..Losers(R)
If we don’t go to this movie, the Terrorists win…
This is just liberal retaliation for the Diebold thing.
tunamelt: Au contraire. That and some good alcohol has Bad Movie Night written all over it.
freakishlystrong: No, Tom Cruise is in there.
An American Carol caused J-Lo’s breakdown. Or it was the competition from Kim Kardashian’s butt.
Or both. Suck it, J-Lo.
I actually filled out the form on the page last night - I’m from the same hometown as the Zucker Bros, and it’s been disappointing to see them become “”"serious”"” (finger quotes there) filmmakers.
My comment was something along the lines of “You’re making people believe that Ben Stein has more credibility than you”…..
Let’s face it - Jon Voight’s best production has been Angelina.
Wait. McCain’s campaign will run this dog-of-a-movie in place of him speaking tonight.
This is all true! I was in line to see American Carol when three black guys wearing Obama shirts kidnapped me, drove me to a theater playing Religilous and shouted, “you gonna see this movie honkey and you gonna love it!” Has this happened to anyone else?
best comment yet: “Sounds like it’s both a floor wax and dessert topping.”
An entire group at my country club was all excited to go Saturday night and then they cancelled at the last minute when they heard from the golf pro that it sucked ass. So they all stayed at the club and talked about how terrified they were of Obama. One kid said “Oh Mom, you used to think Obama was a nice guy” and the mother said “Oh, honey, I just said that to annoy Daddy.”
OMG. All three of the people who saw this turd posted about it on Hannity.
Sorry wingnuts. We all went to see the latest ‘Tyler Perry’s Black Family Gathering’ movie.
Don’t you know everyone is now a sassy Negro because of Barack Obama?
quel patriotique!
stew: Christ, that’s a better plot line than the movie itself. Can we get Melvin van Peebles to direct?
stew: It probably knows more about the economy than he does.l
I’m looking at the cast list, and two questions immediately jump to mind:
Were there any women in this movie?
And if not, why might that be?
I believe it grossed $100k more than Religiolous, 3.7 million vs. 3.8.
Who has time to go to the movies? Between CSI, CSI Miami, CSI New York and NCIS there’s great acronym based gore-drama on nearly every night. And the weekends are when I watch my racin’ I’ll just catch it on DVD. Unless those hippies at Netflix just “accidentally” send me the wrong movie!
Another fucker from David Zucker.
Gopherit v2.0: If you get enough posts under your belt on the Hannity board, your status changes to “Hannitized”. Oh my Elite Black Jesus.
christ, I had missed the news as to what had become of Zucker - this makes my watching-”Airplane!”-with-my-dad childhood memories cry.
and, it’s pointless to rant about anything expressed in this dreck, but just because it’s a point very close to home - conservatives may sing about loving members of the military, but trust me, many of us really, really don’t love you.
Isn’t this the movie that was supposed to have something called “Rosie O’Connell” in it? It could only be more complete if maybe, say, Dennis Miller was it it, but he’s busy with his hit radio show…
tunamelt: You and a few million other Americans, apparently.
hmmm, right wing tools making comedy. How could it possibly FAIL?
My goodness, look at the meat hooks on that fella. What Congressional Paige in his right mind would let those jerk him off?
It makes me very sad to learn that the guy who wrote “What’s your vector, Victor?” is a right-winger.
obfuscator: If that’s anything like “neutered with a dull, rusty razor” then I think it’s a great idea.
You know, I didn’t think Ricky Gervais looked that much like Michael Moore! Son of a gun (so’s to speak) eucred again by them damn liberals. But Tea Leone looked great. Her Husband is an idiot.
I read through the Hannity boards and one things stands out. Many conservatives couldn’t afford $10.00 to see this movie. Fear not, Republicans. Once John McCain reduces the tax burden on 5 million dollar salaries, you’ll be able to attend the matinee.
So what. They took the “Half Hour News Hour”, stretched it to be an hour and a half, and are shocked that it was greeted with mildly annoyed yawns? Shocking!
Movie review seen on Fox News: “An American Carol is a serious, documentary-style drama about how a godless heathen wants to kill all of america. Now is the time to see this intense, FAIR AND BALANCE™ drama. Find out the TRUTH©”
It’s somewhat sad that David Zucker, who used to be somewhat talented when he was working with Jim Abrahams and brother Jerry Zucker, has completely lost his mind. He’s now throwing out lame, stupid crap like the “Scary Movie” pieces of crap and this boneheaded “Carol” piece of crap, and, well, it’s too bad. And: No one went to see “Carol” because most of the sane people on this planet, at this particular point in time, will go see a movie made by an insane conservative that makes fun of liberals. What a stupid movie, and what stupid, insane timing. Hopefully, David Zucker banked his money from “Kentucky Fried Movie,” “Airplane!” and “The Naked Gun.”
Image or focus problems tend not to affect the gross. That aside, I’m sure the movie theaters that pay thousands and owe the thousands of first tickets sold and gross receipts and fluctuating weekly percentages that go in their favor when the movie is a hit and stays on the screen are sacrificing money to sabotage the talented ex-SNL fat guy’s talentless fat brother (man, the Farley-Belushi similarities never stop!).
Although I gotta tell you, in 2006 I saw The Da Vinci Code, and when I saw they gave me a ticket to Poseidon, I was all paranoid and thought it was a Catholic Church conspiracy and shouted “DAMN YOU POPEEEEEE!” in the middle of the theater with my hands shaking in anger. Turns out the Pope wasn’t even at Westbury 12 at the time.
I got a joke conservative audiences will LOVE:
Two Republicans walking down the street see a man and a boy. Neither Republican tries to have sex with either of them.
still, if i had been cast in it, i would have done it.
What’s extra-satisfying about this movie’s miserable failure is that conservatives generally subscribe to the “more successful = better quality” idea, stupidly. If you’ve ever heard O’Reilly defend his show’s accuracy and quality, it’s always with a comment about his ratings being much higher than those liberals at the other networks. So to be rejected so, so utterly must just make them angry and bewildered. Well, more so. It’s a beautiful thing.
Ha ha, 0% of the 9 professional film critics who bothered to see this turd wrote nice things about it according to the Top Critic Tomotometer on rottentomatoes.com. T-meter critics at large gave it 15% which is the same percentage of hardcore nut-jobs who will end up voting for McFailin in November.
I heard that this movie is in contention with ‘Plan 9 from Outer Space’ for worst movie ever made.
I bleeve American Carol bested opening weekends for recent anti-war movies. So obviously, conspiracy.
And I bet box-office is more carefully audited than the national debt. After all, real money rides on these things. People like, ahem, Rupert, make important business decisions based on that data.
Hey, the /fraud/ page is down! Too much traffic? Embarassment? Sombody, make some calls for me.
Oh mighty conspiracy of bored minimum wage-making teenagers at Hoyts, how do I join your nefarious plot to deceive the public about the success of the conservative movie-making establishment — a passionate crusade matched only by your devotion for exchanging notes during study hall?! Guide me, Great Ones!
>>If you have noticed other irregularities with the theatres in your area please let us know in the comment section below.
Ha!!! They spelled “theaters” like a fancy-pants UN-lovin Niggra-electin Commie fag e-litist librul!! From FRANCE!!
No wonder no decent people went to see their movin picture.
Oliver Stone has got to be PISSED that these wingnuts have stolen the excuse he was planning to use for the floppage of “W.” Why would any of us who despise that little turd want to see a whackjob conspiracy-theorist version of his life story? Like that would be less depressing than his actual life story?
nurple: the difference is that American Carol was playing on 1600 screens, while Religulous was playing on 500.
I knew it! All those 16-year-old ushers are in the tank for Chihuahuas.
You can tell by the fact that they ask you if you want to upgrade to a “Large” popcorn that they’re calculating, dangerous liberals. It’s Communism, those “Family size” popcorn tubs with free refills.
“1/2 hour comedy hour” that’s all that needs to be said.
I would rather watch my neighbor’s dog take an hour-long shit on my lawn than go see that movie. But go ahead, producers - blame it on the 14 year old ticket clerks who are probably about as politically motivated as a chinchilla.
At least they make the trains run on time.
I know first hand the pain that comes from being a victim of ticket fraud.
Bill O’Reilly sat on Michael Medveds hand and asked what he thought of the movie. “Thumbs up” said Medved.
Yes, people bought tickets to RELIGULOUS, which made as much money on fewer screens, but actually went in to laugh their heads off at American Carol. THAT’S what happened.
WHAT CONSPIRACY. If the studios were so controlled by “the libs”, it never would have gotten distribution. It got WIDE distribution. It was advertised EVERYWHERE. And the theaters are the least likely to lead some sort of conspiracy against a conservative film, that’s probably the most conservative part of the film biz, I’d think they’d be more likely to INFLATE AC grosses.
I went to see Bill Maher’s movie instead. What can I say? I wouldn’t see American Carol, except maybe by gunpoint.