Wonkette
In just a few hours, the failed pilot and famous celebrity Maverick John McCain will join scary educated Hawaiian Barack Obama for a “town hall” debate, which means extremely regular-looking people who successfully pretend to be “independent” will hog the mic all night with their lame personal stories, and McCain will go “heh heh heh” a lot, and Barack will shake his head in that way, with dignity, and promise to seize McCain’s $100 Million Personal Fortune and redistribute it, to the people at the Town Hall.
Meanwhile, the Dow Jones is down 331 points, and the S&P is down another 4%, and this is in reaction to positive news about Bernanke and the other members of the Illuminati doing some co-ordinated global plan to unite under a single messianic world leader who will bring about the “space union” with the aliens who are going to fuck us all to death with their poison trident space dildos and steal our Ameros.
So, most likely the big topic tonight, at the debate, will still be “The Economy.”
McCain should speak directly to the people and avoid any questions which might be damaging for him.
And Xenu will return to take back the souls that have been contained in our bodies, thereby liberating us from the chains of extra-terrestrial domination.
I did not know you were a Scientologist, Mr. Layne.
What Will Tonight’s Debate Be About?
In a word: blackness.
Hopefully Cadaverick will let out a “horseshit” or two.
1) Long hope
2) Short the bitters
3) ????
4) PROFIT!!!!!!!
Naturally tonight’s debate will be about how Bill Ayers and Barack Obama spend every night boning each other in a tent made from soiled American flags.
Space dildos? When did O’Reilly get an invite to the panel tonight?
I want to hear about what it was like to be a POW. (my MC Cain bingo card has POW in every box)
…I just cashed out my 401k, they gave me 3 corn chips, a button and small ball of dryer lint!
What will Sarah be doing tonight? Where will she be, who will she be chatty with. These are the important issues….oh yes, and just how much did Brokaw donate to the Obama ticket?
http://www.theweeklydonut.com/index.php/2008/10/06/you-betcha/
Yay for advances in medical science. I may yet be able to retire, if I live to be 142.
Senator Hussein, why did you and William Ayers create teh gay?
Walnuts will “accidentally” hear “Rezko” every time Hopey says “rescue”.
And whenever Hopey says “middle class”, Walnuts will snicker at “Alaskan ass”.
“Bomb Iran” will, conveniently, remain “bomb Iran”.
I assume that when it comes time to question Obama, it will pretty much just be Donald Sutherland pointing at him and shrieking some high pitched screech to alert the other pod creatures that an invader has been found.
AngryBlakGuy: Stop bragging, Richie Rich.
OMG!!!!! Did William Ayers plant one of his terrorist bombs at the NYSE?
Barney Frank says if you believe in the New Depression, you are a racist.
Oh shit, why didn’t I think about the illuminati? They are obviously to blame for all of this. Adam Weishaupt is alive and well and living inside John McCain’s brain stem. Novus Ordo Seclorum, motherfuckers.
I’d like to point out that NBC’s Presidential Debate coverage will take place in the time slot usually reserved for “The Biggest Loser”.
…I don’t understand this whole situation! Quickly, someone explain to me how Bill Ayer, Rev. Wright and Tony Rezko all conspired with Barack Obama to crash the white mans stock market?!?!?!
AngryBlakGuy: I will trade you $20 dollars American for your dryer lint.
AngryBlakGuy: Elitist
StrangelyBrown: The Blackness was a great group for about one song.
Great, now I have it in loop in my head.
You know, if the Dow drops a steady 4% everyday, it becomes less of big deal each day, since (.04 x 9600) < (.04 x 10000) and so on. So the situation is getting less severe every day!
This thought occurred to me last night as I was helping my daughter with her algebra homework, using the back of my 401k statement as scratch paper. Then later, same paper went in the woodstove, helping keep our cave warm. I’m never going to sign up for those e-mail statements.
By “Aliens” do you mean “Republicans”?
DoD: she’ll be holding her retarded spawn in front of every available teevee camera in the entire universe. retards = gop votes you betcha!
I’m not sure what scares me more; the threat of alien anal rape or the creation of the Amero.
Topic: Who done’dere broked our ecomony?!
Hopey: Teh wall street stole ur moneez!
Walnuts: Teh wall street stole ur moneez!
And America weeps
freakishlystrong: No, Mexicans.
Ken Layne: …BAAAAAAAAALLLLLLIN!!!!
AngryBlakGuy: Well, when Bill Ayers was not offered a job as a pilot on 9/11, he and Tony Rezko immediately phoned Al Sharpton and Reverand Wright and asked what they could do to bring the white man down? Gotta be true.
AngryBlakGuy:
If you’d waited a couple of hours for that momentary spike you could have cashed out with 4 corn chips.
Also!
highwaytoelle: I thought it was “The American People” usually in that slot.
I’m just so freakin’ excited that I’ll be home tonight and will be able to liveblog with you.
Because, once the police state starts, there won’t be any liveblogging. Or food.
I’m pretty sure each questioning member of the audience tonight will be Jon Voight in a series of increasingly comical disguises.
Are the drinking rules out yet?
Can we add Hussein, “our lifetime”, and witchcraft?
Itsjustme: …don’t hate the playa!
Someone alert me when it hits 777. Will we win a prize?
When it hits 666 will we be killed by Satan?
In an effort to diffuse the angry, erratic meme, John will gimp over to Obama, hold out his hand and say, “can I call you ‘ma ni__ger’?”
Ken - did you not receive the latest RNC instructions? The debate tonight will be all Bill Ayers, and literally nothing else.
Since Brokaw is moderating, I expect the balance of the questions tonight will concern flyfishing for trout on the Blackfoot River
This will be 2 debates. Obama will be talking about the economy, while McCain will be calling him a terrorist ni**er… Read this, scary stuff:
http://www.jackandjillpolitics.com/2008/10/palin-supporters-hurl-obscenities-at-media-tell-black-sound-man-sit-down-boy-mccain-palin-unfit-to-lead/
Lascauxcaveman: True. It’s like a bathtub graph that slowly but merrily dwindles to almost-but-never-quite-zero out to infinity. And that’s the optimistic version.
…is it possible to “Short Sell” and entire country?
worrytron: Actually, I think the Gnomes of Zurich are behind this. I haven’t seen any Swiss banks fail. I’m just sayin.
loquaciousmusic: Ya but gnashing of teeth and constant beatings from law enforcement, as well as lacerations of the skin and the cracking of bones will be an awesome replacement.
i’m making a house out of corn husks and cow patties. i’ll eat dirt and float to heaven. my farts will bring me closer to jeebus, who’s gey and lives on the planet bruce.
McCain will say Barack “doesn’t understand”
Barack will mention that McCain looks healthy for a man with 23 cancers.
McCain will compliment his “Hershey-colored friend” for his diverse viewpoints.
Barack will offer to draw a map for “Mr. McGoo” to find his way back offstage.
McCain will grunt like a gorilla and dance around Barack.
Barack will walk like a robot and squeak “five and a half years, alan!” in a Mike Tyson voice.
Then Sarah Palin will tag out McCain and hit Obama with a folding chair, and Joe Biden will run onstage from the middle of the audience wielding a giant wooden copy of the Constitution and beat the crap out of everyone.
Tommy SlurrySouseMouth Brokaw and Cadaverick “Henngh” McCain = two human beatboxes for Obama’s soaring rhetoric. It’s hip hop bitches!
AngryBlakGuy: Yes, it’s called a hedge fund.
You know what would make the debate tonight more fun? Kimbo Slice. And a laughtrack.
MrAgro: We can only hope…
Sussemilch: Now that’s a debate I can believe in!
Sussemilch: I would actually watch AND enjoy that.
Smoke Filled Roommate: I think they’re billing it as “The Biggest Loser: American Economy” and it will involve stress-eating out of a pork-barrel. And tears. Lots of tears.
AngryBlakGuy: For non-naked short selling, I think you have to borrow somebody else’s country, sell it on the market, then buy it back at a future date, hopefully after its price drops. How about China? Or we could start off small by selling Monaco. Nobody will notice. Trust me.
AngryBlakGuy: Yeah, it’s happening in Iceland - they’ve had to guarantee the whole country’s bank deposits, which is something crazy times the size of their GDP. Basically, Iceland is bankrupt, and they’ll be forced to eat raw herring for the next 10 years… oh, wait, no… that was the “before”.
McCain will open with: “My friends, I don’t know who George Bush is. I’ve never had any close associations with the man. Oh, we worked in the same building, but that’s as close as we ever got.
I AM Maverick.”
Hey the Dow’s only down 200 points as of right now. Pass the whore diamonds and cigars! We are rich again!
Sussemilch: That would be the best thing ever. Can we work in Hillary crashing the whole thing to drive Sarah Palin’s glasses into her skull with a 2×4 wrapped in barbed wire?
shortsshortsshorts: Except that Elitist, Angry Black Guy. He cashed in.
loquaciousmusic:
You can prepare for the police state by eating lots and lots of spicy food and cooking with Scotch Bonnet peppers. Lightly steam them, then lean over the pot and breathe deeply.
Yes, it will burn like the fucking Dickens…but eventually it won’t burn so much anymore.
Doesn’t Obama’s economic plan cut the taxes of people who bombed the Pentagon 40 years ago?
Threadbare is the new black.
shortsshortsshorts: I shall crack open a bottle of Andre.
Lascauxcaveman: That’s the kind of thinking that makes this country great!
Can I interest you in a nice ARM?
TGY: …wouldnt you need a country that is worth less than our own? That just leaves Guam and Wazirastan.
Please Hopey, forget the Rainbows of Truth, and bring out the Unicorn of Death tonight.
I think if the old man loses tonight, we’re going to see Sarah in a bikini at the the rallies. This is the only way to stay above the fray.
worrytron: John Dillinger Died for YOU!
highwaytoelle: With our 401K and other retierment plans in the Shitter, we are all America’s bigest loser….
tunamelt: 2day I shall have 3 Rotting Cheerios in celebration.
Ok calm down. The Illuminati is not to blame for this mess. I have it on good authority that the Bilderberger group in concert with Bohemian Grovers are behind the financial crisis.
HuskyMescan: or a talent contest with her playing the Skin Flute.
loquaciousmusic: I’m missing another debate tonight, but I promise that on October 15, I will skip my yoga class and stockpile on liquor in order to liveblog.
dano: I thought it was the Shriners.
Valerie: between “maverick” and “reform” I was under the table in an hour last week
How about “Main Street” and “Crisis”- and pint can of Olde English 800 everytime camera swings to Cindy?
shortsshortsshorts: liar. cheetos last longer than twinkies.
Damn you Steve Jackson, Dan Brown, Robert Shea & Robert Anton Wilson and your infernal Illuminati invention!
…what are the betting odds that WALNUTS!:
A) Strokes out on live television
B) Goes super-nova and starts yelling
C) Calls Barry a Muslim terrorist
D) Has PSD induced flashback
tunamelt: Ha! The Shriners are in the tank for Obama. I’ve seen them drive around in their tiny fuel efficient cars.
dano: …you do know that by typing that you are now on a list somewhere?!
Anything less than a McMeltdown will be a disappointment….I want to hear a string of epithets and cursing that would embarrass a Tourette’s patient.
Hell, that’s I come here.
Barack and John will announce at the town hall debate that they are both suspending their campaigns to deal with the economy. At that point they will gather all of the bad debt into a ring, a “precious”" ring and travel the world looking for the perfect volcano to dump it in.
dano: no, it was the concerned citizens for glamor. you know, those style nazi’s with the bibs that great you at wal-mart.
AngryBlakGuy: Damn, that’s right.
AngryBlakGuy:
a) 2:1
b) 5:4
c) 5:4
d) 3:1
Forgot to add:
e) Drops the N-bomb live on TV.
10:9
Is it weird that I see our future as being like Rotterdam in Ender’s Shadow? Or just incredibly fucking nerdy…?
FreshCliches: …why I come here. Fuckity fuck fuck.
AngryBlakGuy: You just made the list by interacting with me. Gotcha!
WHY, without the tags…..FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK.
Time for Bombay with a twist of Bombay.
maybe we can throw laura crazy eyes and lynn the dyke into the volcano to appease the witches of alaska.
Itsjustme: If its her own skin flute, i’m so there at the rally.
In answer to the first question, Walnuts steps close and stares weirdly at the questioner, then replies, “I’m not going to answer that the way you, my opponent, the main street media, the moderator, the audience, and and (voice rises) millions of viewers and my fellow POWs and our brave men and women in Ahab and Australia and elsehere across this great land, except Michigan, through the filter of American words to (face turns red, podium splinters in his grip) Fannie Mac my character and wear Sarah Palin’s terrorist bomb-carrying garter belt (now shouting) like the ones Maverick Bill Ayers and Captain Crunch are selling on eBay to our brave gotcha troops drop another 600 surge fundamentals and the New York Times remains strong, you fucking Obamoron I’ll tax your health benefits and cut your Medicare.”
Then two guys in the white coats come on stage and lead him back to the home, where he still gets 35 percent of the vote in November.
tunamelt: Can’t it be both?
I really hate Orson Scott Card.
There better be questions about why Bill Ayers bombed the stocks today. Answer that Obama. You can’t can you?
On another note: just WHY did they choose an expert on the so-called Great Depression to be the chairman of the Federal Reserve? Hunh, hunh? I mean MAYBE someone knew this was coming.
dano: …damn you!
The real impact of the economical meltdown will come during the 2010 census which will show Nebraksa as the state with the largest population of folks under 20, as Americans across the nation drop off the kids they can no longer afford.
Georgia Burning: works for me!
Miller: my ball sack needs licking. and let’s call it, oh, let me see….how bout MILLER TIME?
Gopherit v2.0: But the idea of children roaming the streets in little urchin gangs, desperate for food… strikes me as plausible.
tunamelt:
A bottle of Andre? In today’s economy, that makes you so, so republican.
I’m sticking with the Thunderbird.
TeddyS: In a perfect world, he’d then be taken to Walter Reed for treatment.
(The hospital, not the middle school displayed at the convention.)
tunamelt: Too Dickensian. This a-Murika, dammit.
tunamelt:
Thanks you madam, may I have another?
I can’t wait to hear about how William Ayers and Tony Rezko masterminded the Fannie Mae Lehman Credit Swap Collateralized Debt Obligations that destroyed America.
AngryBlakGuy: You blacks just dont get it because you are incapable of grasping the basic prinicples of high level finance — a science reserved for the well heeled gentry who spent four years at Harvard and Yale learning how to swindle billions and billions of dollars from the joe six pack bitters. Since Obama went to Harvard he is clearly responsible.
FreshCliches: and what’s wrong with the middle school? it’s not like he’ll know the difference. besides, cindy can score dolls at either one.
tunamelt: As does a Manila-like trash heap where they ferret out tin. I vote to place this outside Provo, Utah, or in any state that goes 90-10 for Walnuts (pick one).
tunamelt: Agreed. My hatred of OSC is more for his extreme right wing psychosis. I have a soft spot of all things Ender.
I drank Miller High Life during the last debate. I think I’ll go for something more elitist this time. Hmmmm…St. Pauli Girl has a nice Euro-trash feel to it.
Oh good were back down to -300 points. AWESOME TOWN.
Gopherit v2.0:
Agreed, but the only novel worth reading was Enders Game. Everything else sucks shit.
echoman2000: I beg to differ.
But again, I qualify it with “in a perfect world” - fellow patients/veterans at the hospital have a better chance of serving him up some tasty karma. 7th graders, not so much.
FreshCliches: So you’re a fancy drunk. Don’t you know that the REAL cynical people only drink Colt 45 distilled in children’s tears?
I want to hear Barack answer the question of how he can be under the influence of both Muslim terrorists, Reverend Wright and Chablis-sipping liberal elites.
I want to hear McCain answer why getting shot down in a plane qualifies him for anything other than higher insurance premiums.
I want to hear Palin explain when she got that tattoo of the Alaskan flag above her ass, and the matching bear pawprints on each ass cheek.
ManchuCandidate: Even speaker, huh?
I never read any of his offshoot novels.
Gopherit v2.0:
Yes. To me, Ender’s story ended at Ender’s Game.
Gopherit v2.0: Hey, everyone, keep your eye on the two intellectuals!
Gopherit v2.0: ManchuCandidate: I like the Bean ones better than the Ender ones.
I’m pessimistic about this debate. I’m afraid WALNUTS! will be able to control himself for one more night, and it will be all boring and Obama will win and they’ll call it a tie.
Ooo! Run-on sentence! I can haz VP nom now?
Tommy Says Soooo: Ender’s Game = intellectual? Hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahaha!
Yes off topic but MUST BE SEEN:
The Poetry of Sarah Palin:
“Outside”
I am a Washington outsider.
I mean,
Look at where you are.
I’m a Washington outsider.
I do not have those allegiances
To the power brokers,
To the lobbyists.
We need someone like that.
http://www.slate.com/id/2201342/
Gopherit v2.0: Doing math in a post (that funny sign in there) proves you are an intellectual….the Idiocracy will prevail! The next time you go to Carl’s Jr you WILL be sucked into the kiosk! Smarty threadbare pants!
Keram2: Well, if we’re talking fermented malt beverages, Guinness (I prefer beer you can chew), or Carlsberg Elephant - that shit’ll numb your lips.
Given the DJIA, however, I’ll be going with cat piss, Karo syrup, and yeast in the next few days.
shortsshortsshorts: Okay, that’s pretty fantastic.
Tonight I’m hoping that Hopey can explain his whereabouts during 1968 and provide us with an excuse for not riding his bike from Indonesia to the USA to shut down the Weatherman organization. Also, what side did he fight on in the Tet offensive, what role did he play in the Chicago riots, how much help did he provide to the North Koreans during their capture the USS Pueblo, etc? Obama insists he was at home playing with his little sister during these events, but how can we be sure?
The Real JR Revisted: Elucidate. The song title eludes me.
Tommy Says Soooo: Well, at least I’m safe there. Carl’s Jr leaves me clammy.
Besides, I take on the Idiocracy every time I drive.
HuskyMescan: She will more than likely wear the CFMB’s also!
tunamelt: “On the Bailout”
Ultimately,
What the bailout does
Is help those who are concerned
About the health care reform
That is needed
To help shore up our economy,
Helping the—
It’s got to be all about job creation, too.
Shoring up our economy
And putting it back on the right track.
So health care reform
And reducing taxes
And reining in spending
Has got to accompany tax reductions
And tax relief for Americans.
And trade.
We’ve got to see trade
As opportunity
Not as a competitive, scary thing.
But one in five jobs
Being created in the trade sector today,
We’ve got to look at that
As more opportunity.
All those things.
shortsshortsshorts: Stop it, shorts. You’re making my eyes bleed.
McCain will answer every question with a question: “Is that a pizza place?”
Obama will answer all the questions perfectly, but later conservative pundits will use that against him: “Why is he so ignorant of the pizza place?!”
sheldy13: “Whaddda ya think of her, hengh?! Hengh?!” That will be tonight’s mantra.
I am sure that they are both very aware that their debate will lead to a skit on SNL and with that in mind I hope that one of them looks at the camera at some point and says “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!” That would be cool.
Stock market crashing on a daily basis… kinda like a McCain piloted plane (which as we all know, was shot down by an 5 year old Barak Obama and his pallin’ around buddy Ayers.)
nietzscheprojectile: Switzerland nationalized all its banks in 2003.
dano: You must think to yourself WWJSPD? What Would Joe Six-Pack Drink?
At least the bailout is working out well for those poor, beleaguered AIG execs.
Wow I just saw Ayers mugshot. Totally cute.
JoeFannyPack: As I said earlier, there must be kissing.