Wonkette
This isn’t technically an “email,” but a comment left on your editor’s new AOL column — we know, we know, fish in a barrel, etc. But it is just too good to sit unnoticed between another hundred dumb comments, so let’s enjoy the financial wisdom and cheery electoral predictions from “Simon.”
Watch Investors sell off their holdings based on the fear of a possible Obama win.
Obama will bring the worst financial crisis and depression of all time. The recent 700 billion dollar bailout is babyshit compared to what would follow an Obama win.
Obama voters need not look for help from businesses because most will close if Obama wins.
Inner City maggots will murder one another over a slice bread. The hills will be a war zone filled with survivalists fighting over dead deer carcasses. The average person will be a caveman in less than 12 months.
Please do not worry because Obama will start World War III and most of you will be a lump of smoldering charcoal. The perfect end to this will be all those Obama supporters burning in Hell for all eternity for supporting abortion.
Have nice day.
You too, wingnut! See you in Hell!
And here’s something quaint from a retarded woman called “Sue”:
The TERRORIST Couldn’t start war in the United States by attacking New York and DC, So now they are starting a war here by attacking us through our own party. The Democrat party has been over taken by TERRORIST! They are taken over our Country through our own Goverment!
America is being fooled! And now you want to elect the party that started the wall street crash! The Democrats knew that Bush would take the blame for it.
Please God Help us here in the United States, before we are not United any more, before we loose everything we have believed in and fought for and stood for. We need you Our Heavenly Father to open our eyes and our hearts to the truth! and Please God Please bless America again.
Sorry, Sue. God hates the Dumb.
Nadine? Is that you?
But… those comments were almost coherent! That means… oh god… no… it can’t be…
“No Child Left Behind” works!
God does hate the dumb. But he loves the well armed.
I would fight over a slice of bread right now. I get paid tmrw and I currently have $1.69 in my checking account.
I will fight you.
thanks for printing my comments, i just wiped a booger on teh couch
God especially hates poor spellers. They all loose their chance to get taking to Heaven. And please God Please … ummm.. .give me more paste to eat. And maybe some cookies.
and even stupid has its limits:
http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601087&sid=adM8Fq0RTis0&refer=home
HAHAHA psychotic WIN! This is what makes America great. We don’t have enough money to take care of thes crazies.
Remember: his name is Baairaack HUUSAIN Obaaama.
Perhaps we should reconsider the idea of forced sterilization…
What, we have to wait 12 months to be like Simon? Damn you, Hopey, I want my protruding brow now!
Doesn’t he mean WW IV? Dubya started WW III in 2003. Moran.
While the rest of you are killing each other over bread slices and deer carcasses, I will be dining heartily on the bloated corpse of Simon’s self-image. It could last for decades.
And somebody make sweet love to Sue. She sounds like she really needs it, and it will keep her away from the keyboard.
I’ve prepared for The End by stockpiling guns, canned foods and other supplies in a small cabin in northern Minnesota. See ya suckers!
I’ve already loosed everything I have believed in and fought for and stood for. Because of you, Sue.
tunamelt: Drink ur expensive wine. Elitist.
I’m supposed to wait 12 months for the Caveman Revolution? What am I supposed to do with the large club, this bearskin loincloth, and my hunting spear until then??
How many caveman fetish parties do they think one girl can hold between now and then?
Sarah?
I saw Bill Maher’s movie “Religulous” last night; I could’ve sworn I saw Sue!
Has the world ever been this fucked up. I’m so old and arthritic that I will never have a chance in one of those dance marathons. If it made Jane Fonda off herself, what’s going to happen to me? I am so fucked.
Wonderful prophesies. Here I’d been worrying about the Rapture and Armageddon and 666 and such.
Well, I saw all three Roadwarrior movies and I know how to handle a crossbow so I’m kind of psyched actually.
But what to do about my transformation into “caveman”… Oh that’s right! I’m an inner city maggot so I’ll be fighting over the bread and whatnot.
Wow, now I understand.
CivicHoliday: What amazes me is that these people even know where to find their genitals.
The first one has to be a joke…
tunamelt: Fighting over bread slices in the inner city sounds remarkably like my graduate school experience. Bring on the new world order, I say!
Gopherit v2.0: It’s literally my only resource at the moment, before I resort to looting and $.25 handjobs.
Calling the 700 billion dollar bailout “babyshit” is an insult to babyshit.
I saw those comments when I read Ken’s column. Once again our master plan has been discovered by the incredible intellects of teh tubes. Curses, foiled again. I wonder if that bad guy from the silent movies who had the long curly mustache is still around. I sure hope so, because now that our black dude has been compromised we’re gonna need a new villain.
In the next plan we have to be sure to include eating babies. Eating of the babies is always masterfully evil.
I thought the wingnuts wanted to die. Then they get to meet Jesus. Ha, I mean, Satan.
And once the inner city maggots have won their fight over sliced bread, and the survivalists have triumphed in their conflict over deer carcasses, they will do battle together in what will come to be known as the Great Sandwich Massacre of 2008.
That’s a good strategy. “All of the horrible things that happened under Bush will happen again under Obama only eleventy times more bad. I haven’t a single fact to substantiate this but I know that it is absolutely true. Glubble, glubble, glubble.”
Beans: Bonus points for the obscure movie reference.
And don’t worry. We’ll hit cannibalism within the first few weeks. The old and infirm will be the easiest targets.
I KNOW that Bill O’Reilly wrote those two notes. I JUST KNOW IT.
tunamelt: Wow, you aren’t even making your costs back at $0.25 a pop. Give yourself more credit.
springfield_meltdown: I’m not scared; I’m scrappy.
Aurelio:
You know, babies shit a LOT. Much more than adults. Technically, babyshit should be a great tidal wave of shit, whereas the more ordinary shit is nothing special. It’s almost as though this email has logical flaws.
“Bill10:13PMOct 6th 2008
Obama Hussain wants to remove guns from law abiding citizens,, he and Nancy Pelosi wants to enact the fairness doctrine (to shut anyone that opposes their views) he wants to dismantle our military,, and he does somehow surround hisself with radicals and terrorist,, and he gets alot a monitary support with questionable intities….. this man is very dangerous and he thinks the american people are so stupid that they will elect him,, but i know when time come to vote, he will be greatly supprised….. if you care about your country and your children you better vote for a proven Hero vote McCain and Palin 2008″
Ok,
1) it’s probably a good idea that we remove guns from the interior of law abiding gay citizens. It isn’t their fault those silly rifles got stuck during sexyfuntime butt-play.
2) what the fuck are “questionable intities”? Is that like questionably-in-titties? Is that a reference to sex using guns again, this time referring to lipstick lesbians on the isle of lesbos motorboating with handguns smeared in KY???
Funny and Moranic to be sure. But the real worry for me is that these people are for real and not just trolls. Yikes.
“Please God Help us here in the United States, before we are not United any more, before we loose…”
You smile at this, Wonketeers. But why isn’t “lose” spelled “loose”? Why doesn’t “lose” rhyme with “nose”? And why doesn’t “loose” rhyme with “moose”?
I betcha you cana’t answer that, smarty pantses!
Wait, is Sue the secret speechwriter for Sarah?
The Democratic Party has been taken over by OLIVER! too, I hear. They love the score…
OhWhyOhio: Astute! I, too, have been studying Barbarella for survival tips.
Here’s another jem:
“Sal DeSimone5:50AMOct 7th 2008
It was no bailout!!!!!!A sneaky Socialistic/Communistic Coup d’aetat has been accomplished on USA without firing a shot by Democratically controlled Houses with this serreptitious bailout scheme. Similarly Castro forcefully seized private property and redistributed it to the masses, many families to a unit.
I suspect that properties acquired by the Government,becoming Government Owned, will be used for public housing for the masses, either as cheap rental or outright gifts to minorities. If Obama is elected Blacks will be given first priority to be given free housing with his class redistribution racial mentality. Goodbye USA as we knew it, the sneaky Coup d’aetat will be complete if Obama is elected. 700 Billion dollars represents a lot of housing to be redistributed socialistically.”
It’s surreptitious you jackass, meaning to be done clandestinely (somehow I doubt Sal knows that definition means, as the bailout was one of the more publisized acts of congress in the last 8 years). Also, Section 8 and other cheap or free housing for poor folks (those pesky “Blacks”) has been around since the U.S. Housing Act of 1937, so I guess that means FDR was a socialist and the Coup d’Etat (again with the spelling, nimrod - would you shit yourself if you knew that term was French?) occured way back in the Great Depression.
Barack Hussein Osama Muslin TERRORIST! Moran
It’s like chaining memes on 4chan.
i call dibs on Sue’s carcass. i have this wonderfull marinade
that i want to try.
Oh, well–as the Grateful Dead sang: “I may be going to hell in a bucket, but at least I’m enjoying the ride!”
I’ve seen that, we’ll be living in caves, comment a couple times already. Cavemen are the new “nigger”.
Guy’s clearly never changed a diaper.
AnnieGetYourFun: Just lift up the rolls of fat, and there they are!
CivicHoliday: FLOCCINAUCINIHILIPILIFICATION HONORIFICABILITUDINITATIBUS ELECTROENCEPHALOGRAPHICALLY ANTITRANSUBSTANTIATIONALIST.
its not like it has to make sense, but at least there were lots of big words.
This liberaltard speaks french: coup détat dork, not with an “a”. No child left behind my ass…
God Hates Plural Nouns. Er, God Hates Plural NOUN.
shortsshortsshorts: The elitist in me actually tried to see if I could pick out the big words hidden in all that mess. I can haz Honorary Electroencephalograph?
Well now what do Sue and Simon propose as the alternative?
John McCain would be three times worse than Bush. I know that because Pat Buchanan said so.
HA. So there.
http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=59886
That slice of bread better be whole wheat…
Is there such a thing as a live deer carcass?
iwillsavethispatient: We need a new program “No AOL User Left Behind”
Of course that second comment is untrue - George Bush never took the blame for anything!
Jebediah: Elitist. I’d settle for Wonder Bread White Cotton.
CivicHoliday: Dude, you misspelled “publicized” and “occurred,” Congress gets a capital C, and “blacks” is lowercase. You sure you’re not a closet wingnut? (just kiddin’ — you betcha!).
Obama is the new Y2K. Everyone run for your lives!
I did “blacks” to match the wingnut’s term “Blacks”, as if they were all part of a PAC to steal homes from Whitey. The other stuff was all just due to me typing with fury and indignation. Oh, except for saying “jem” rather than “gem”, which again, was me trying to make a point about stupid right-wingers, but since I made my own errors, I must now hang my head in shame. Damn it, Wonkette, can’t you add a spell-check feature into the comments section?
Gopherit v2.0: Funny, when I first read Simon’s post, I read “BEER carcasses” and I was all like “YEAH! ARRRGH!!! BRING IT ON MOTHERFUCKERS! YOU CAN HAVE MY BEER CARCASSES WHEN YOU PRY THEM OUT OF MY COLD DEAD HANDS!!!!” Then I read your comment and I was all like “awww, they killed Bambi. Again.”
Are TERRORISTS! anything like WALNUTS!?
american mutt: Does this mean I’m gonna be president in 2016?
Yay!
Honestly, they say “caveman,” like it’s a bad thing.
Trust me, once you go caveman, you never go back.
dano: Truer words have never been spoken.
You Wonkette people think you are so smart. Well you are not so smart.
TERRORIST is such a great band!
This is ridiculous. Bread? Maggots prefer rotting meat. What sorts of larvae are these people talking about?
archer: U R CORRECKT. Wee r GENIES.
archer: I know I am now suitably chastened.
Can you teach me to speak in tongues? Find witches? See Russia?
The Rev. Yevot: Fuck yeah. Though I fear I’ll have a beer carcass on my couch after the debate tonight.
Fuck deer and Wonder Bread. I’m going to be eating people. Think the dodos were easy prey? Sheeeeeit, it’s not even close. Once a fortnight I’ll just stroll up to the first person I see, say “look, an ice cream truck!” and clock them in the back of the head with a framing hammer. Presto–instant meat! Bonus points for me if they’re wearing gold rings or carrying any Ameros in their pockets.
edgydrifter: Seriously, not a good idea–think about it: in addition to Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease you’ve got all that extra fat and cholesterol from the steady diet of fast food we’ve all been reared on. A little fortnightly fun is not worth your long-term health, my friend.
edgydrifter: In any other country, the ice-cream truck gambit might not work, but you might be onto something here.
I’m nervous that they may be right on this one. I only ask one question: Will there still be pornography?
If I have to ‘burn in hell for all eternity’ for one of my ‘thoughts’, anyway, I might as well vote my conscience in November. Pass the dead dear carcass, please.
archer: Truer words have never been spoken.
Gospodi pomiluj. Evolution is supposed to move us ahead, not behind. Is this what McCampaign’s base of support has dwindled down to - illiterate morans with TruckNutz?
Let’s make a random moran quote generator that spits out stuff like this:
“When the TERRORIST come over from teh Iraq to attack our precious American way of life, Hussien Barrack will be waiting at the White House with open arm to greet the TERRORIST into the Oval Office. He issn’t a god-fearing Amurrican like John McCain,., a real Amurrican heroe. Then the soccialists will launch a covverd sneaky Coup d’aetat to put Joe Bidden into office.”
If I’ve learned anything from those comments on Ken’s (why-the-fuck-does-he-have-an) AOL column, it’s that William Ayers is basically the guy from V for Vendetta, and OBAMA HUSSEIN is basically Natalie Portman. Nice.
This guy’s an idiot: clearly the murders that take place will involve sacks of rice, not slices of bread.
Hey, if the whole “by association” thing is valid, then these letters are EXACTLY HOW JOHN MCCAIN THINKS!
The Rev. Yevot: Seriously, rev, I hardly think prions will be my primary concern when I go all Lord of the Flies on my neighborhood. Besides, brains are highly overrated as a delicacy, so I won’t be chowing on them–I’m more of a leg man. Thank you for your concern.
Gopherit v2.0: I know! It’s totes guaranteed to work, isn’t it?
Have Todd and Bristol taken time out of their busy campaign schedule to do some book reports “home schoolin’” style?
I just got schooled by W who was splainin’ the “technical talk” about the “credit crunches” to people who make desks and such at Guernsey Office Products, Inc. in Chantilly, VA. The motto at Guernsey is, “We Can Do That”….which is just so adorable. Bush really liked saying it, and at one point he said, “less job insecurity”. No matter what the context was, that is some kind of crazy double negative. He’ll be missed by millions of English speakers everywhere.
Good, I was worrying for a second that Obama wasn’t going to start World War 3. I’m glad that crank set me straight. At least we’ll have plenty of charcoal for our grills under an Obama administration.
http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/
I never knew there was only one TERRORIST. Are they like the Borg or something, where they all share one mind?
It’s not bad until you begin to murder over the chance to eat maggots, urban or rural.
yEAHHARGH! tHE gUBMENT! tHEY TAKIN’ OUR MONIES! bARACK hUSSEIN bIN lADEN kENNEDY oBAMA AND THE LIBTARD DEMRAT ACORNambla CONGRESS WANT TO TAKE DOWN OUR GUBMENT AND INSTALL hENRY “jIMMY cARTER” pAULSON sUPREME lEADERs. NANCY PELOSI IS ILLITERATE!
WE THE PEOPLE want a GoVornerment that STANDS UP TO DEMRATS and BAILSOUT MAINSTREET WITH BAILOUTS.!!1! TERRISTS!
Keram2: I share your opinion, but what you need is MORE COWBELL.
Time to institute the 28th amendment: IQ test required for voting.
Wasn’t that a Marvin Gaye song? Inner City Maggots (Makes Me Wanna Holler)?
The Democrat party has been over taken by TERRORIST!
What do these people have against plural ending?
Dr. Bronowski tells us that London slum dwellers were far better off then their malnourished rural counterparts. Large groups ususally have a better per capita welfare than small groups. Manhattanites may not our own food, but we can always eat Brooklynites.
The average person will be a caveman in less than 12 months.
Looks like Simon’s getting a head start. I bet he has just the dreamiest forehead ridge.
CivicHoliday: Spell check that of course knows truck nutz is spelled with a z.
Please do not worry because Obama will start World War III and most of you will be a lump of smoldering charcoal.
At least they’ll be cooked dead deer carcasses.
This is, btw, my absolute favorite post of the day. I just keep getting drawn back.
If Obama wins the total existence failure will happen.
True story
I’m not that surprised. After all, these people’s leader, Dubya Bush, has an IQ of 88, making him an Einstein compared to his followers.
Earth First Journal
edgydrifter: “Besides, brains are highly overrated as a delicacy, so I won’t be chowing on them–I’m more of a leg man.”
Wastrel.
Tra: WIN!
sanantonerose: The same thing Bible Spice has against the letter G, Dontchaknowyoubetcha!
“Inner City maggots will murder one another over a slice bread. The hills will be a war zone filled with survivalists fighting over dead deer carcasses. The average person will be a caveman in less than 12 months.”
Promise?