Wonkette
By the Comics Curmudgeon
Did you know that there are a full FIVE AND A HALF YEARS WEEKS left until the election? Day after day of nonstop wall-to-wall electioneering and promise-making and shitty-campaign-ad-broadcasting and vote-getting-out and and and AND! Wouldn’t it be easier to bear if we were high? Of course it would! But we here at Wonkette can’t endorse that, because it would be illegal and wrong. And if you need proof of its wrongness, look no further than the following cartoons, which prove that everyone involved in the Politics is in fact high, on drugs.
At last, it can be revealed what the Obama and McCain did backstage before their big debate last week. In order to prevent him from collapsing twitching to the floor in a full-on case of the junk shakes, John McCain’s handlers had to shoot him full of heroin! Due to years of abuse, there was only one place left where they could find a vein: his cancer-ravaged face. Meanwhile, Barack Obama needed a team of make-up artists to cover up the tattoos he got celebrating all the dudes he killed in prison.
The VP debate was almost as thrilling! Unbeknownst to each other, Palin and Biden both felt like they needed to take the edge off beforehand, so they both took massive doses of Ecstasy, hoping to come across as less “angry” on-camera. The result was 90 minutes of the two candidates taking turns rapturously sucking on each other’s toes. It was completely horrifying … and strangely arousing. The two parties’ national committees spent the next several days spinning Palin and Biden’s foot-fellating prowess.
But presidential candidates aren’t the only ones out of their gourd on various substances! For instance, it’s a well-known secret around Washington that House Financial Services Committee Chairman Barney Frank, after a hard day of saving the economy, likes to get hepped up on whippits, then wander around his creepy castle dressed like a gay vampire, harassing unsuspecting ordinary Americans who might wander by.
Meanwhile, in the aftermath of the VP debate, Joe Biden, acclimated to the effects of Ecstasy from his nine years on the West Coast rave circuit, was able to shrug off the drug’s effects and go back to the campaign. The more innocent Palin was not so lucky. Here we see her on day six, dressed as a traditional Alaskan Snow-Furry, wandering cheerfully towards her furry friends. They’re terrified of her enormous rifle, of course. Silly furries, that’s just how they do it in Alaska! With guns!
With all the “cool kids” doing it, you might now be thinking, “Hey! Maybe I should be on drugs.” But this cartoon is proof that you should leave that stuff to the professionals. After all, you might think that looking at John McCain is bad, but if you do mescaline, you’ll see his severed, Elephant Man-like head popping out of boxes pretty much everywhere. Is that what you want? Of course not! That’s why the key is just to stick with good, old-fashioned booze.
I’m glad you could put FIVE AND A HALF YEARS WEEKS into play. I love visual puns, even if this comment box won’t cooperate.
Ah, Chuck Asay, the lone conservative political cartoonist. Always with the incisive observations gleaned from bulk emails.
You can’t quote Homer Simpson too often on this topic: “To alcohol! The cause of — and solution to — all of life’s problems!” And widely available, except in stupid Virginia and North Carolina.
Pat Oliphant has gone ’round the bend. At least his cartoons make sense most of the time, but this toe-sucking thing has me lost. Though at least it’s not as disturbing as that beetle grub coming out of the jack-in-the-box.
Is it me or is Palin enjoying getting her toes sucked in that cartoon?
Actually it’s down to FOUR and a half weeks.
Alaska would be great for fursuiters (it’s cool, and fursuits are hot) if only the populace weren’t largely inebriated and armed and/or aroused.
Wow, I must be high myself to write a sentence like that.
Toles draws the ultimate Walnuts!
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/opinions/cartoonsandvideos/toles_main.html?name=Toles&date=09262008&type=c
Drugs or no, that one from Switzerland is about 14 kinds of awesome.
“Ooooh, daaganit Jowe, dontchaknaow, sucking towes is looking backward and surrenderin’ the white flag, maaavrick…
freakishlystrong: Shit, I forgot to *wink…
The rearing of the head of political cartooning.
There sure seems to be alot of head rearing going on lately.
This one doesn’t have a picture but it’s still CUTE AS A FUCKIN BUTTON!!
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_1xQeOPE9ePU/SOY6vjXYjpI/AAAAAAAACn8/kcdBDHb0Mhw/s1600/palinflowchart.jpg
I suppose the Swedish guy picked up on Sarah’s Couric interviews where she first tried to squeeze out “caricature” but managed only “caric-” then in another interview managed the whole word. His understanding of “caricature” is about as deep as hers. Unless that’s OJ, not Obama, in the cartoon, in which case his sense of irony is impeccable.
I meant Swiss, not Swedish. I think those are different things.
Wow. I had no idea Joe Biden was so flexible.
Weeping Jesus:
The Swiss put holes in their cheese so the Swedes can insert their meatballs.
Please don’t take the brown acid.
That is a FILTHY LIE about Palin when drugs see her they RUN which is what you should do for making up all of that stuff about methedrine yes yes that is it you should run and hide down the rabbit hole where the RED QUEEN will make you feel right at home haha joke except that was through the looking glass where is some iced tea
archer: Okay, is it shroom day and nobody told me? Now I’m pissed.
e is for election day.
i plan to nuke my brain with serotonin that way if obama wins… oh man that will be awesome, and if mccain wins, i will be too etarded to care.
until the morning that is. where i will be 5 pounds lighter from dehydration and loss of hope.
Isn’t it interesting how only fascist cartoonists are getting published these Murdochian days? Fischetti and Mauldin wouldn’t have a prayer in today’s neo-Nazi print media, except on the Internet. The local papers out here in the Redneck Ring around L.A. won’t even cover Democratic candidates, the level has gotten so low.
I’m pretty sure Barney Frank is a gay vampire, so that’s the way he should be drawn. It’s nice that Toles just draws McCain as a tumor with a face. It’s slightly less creepy than the real thing.
http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/
I love the Snow-Furry ‘toon. What kills me is the high-heels in the snowshoes. And gnome McCain. They really do just cancel each other out in the looks department, don’t they?
Oliphant AND Toles?! Damn!
V572625694: Virginia and North Carolina are dry?
Glenn McCoy is another reliably conservative editorial cartoonist. Or take Bruce Tinsley, who does Mallard Fillmore (please).
Take home lesson here is that what for the Swiss is a mere cartoon is high-brow art in America.