Everyone Is On Drugs

By the Comics Curmudgeon
Did you know that there are a full FIVE AND A HALF YEARS WEEKS left until the election? Day after day of nonstop wall-to-wall electioneering and promise-making and shitty-campaign-ad-broadcasting and vote-getting-out and and and AND! Wouldn’t it be easier to bear if we were high? Of course it would! But we here at Wonkette can’t endorse that, because it would be illegal and wrong. And if you need proof of its wrongness, look no further than the following cartoons, which prove that everyone involved in the Politics is in fact high, on drugs.

At last, it can be revealed what the Obama and McCain did backstage before their big debate last week. In order to prevent him from collapsing twitching to the floor in a full-on case of the junk shakes, John McCain’s handlers had to shoot him full of heroin! Due to years of abuse, there was only one place left where they could find a vein: his cancer-ravaged face. Meanwhile, Barack Obama needed a team of make-up artists to cover up the tattoos he got celebrating all the dudes he killed in prison.

The VP debate was almost as thrilling! Unbeknownst to each other, Palin and Biden both felt like they needed to take the edge off beforehand, so they both took massive doses of Ecstasy, hoping to come across as less “angry” on-camera. The result was 90 minutes of the two candidates taking turns rapturously sucking on each other’s toes. It was completely horrifying … and strangely arousing. The two parties’ national committees spent the next several days spinning Palin and Biden’s foot-fellating prowess.

But presidential candidates aren’t the only ones out of their gourd on various substances! For instance, it’s a well-known secret around Washington that House Financial Services Committee Chairman Barney Frank, after a hard day of saving the economy, likes to get hepped up on whippits, then wander around his creepy castle dressed like a gay vampire, harassing unsuspecting ordinary Americans who might wander by.

Meanwhile, in the aftermath of the VP debate, Joe Biden, acclimated to the effects of Ecstasy from his nine years on the West Coast rave circuit, was able to shrug off the drug’s effects and go back to the campaign. The more innocent Palin was not so lucky. Here we see her on day six, dressed as a traditional Alaskan Snow-Furry, wandering cheerfully towards her furry friends. They’re terrified of her enormous rifle, of course. Silly furries, that’s just how they do it in Alaska! With guns!

With all the “cool kids” doing it, you might now be thinking, “Hey! Maybe I should be on drugs.” But this cartoon is proof that you should leave that stuff to the professionals. After all, you might think that looking at John McCain is bad, but if you do mescaline, you’ll see his severed, Elephant Man-like head popping out of boxes pretty much everywhere. Is that what you want? Of course not! That’s why the key is just to stick with good, old-fashioned booze.