Recycling.Enough with the high-concept drinking games, the fancy prose, and the unrealistic situations — that you are drinking “with friends,” for example. By this time next year, you might be sharing a storage space with your entire extended family, so let’s go ahead and enjoy the luxury of drinking alone and yelling at the teevee, one more time together. Also, we are all poor now, so the beverages will be dramatically simplified. Cheap beer, box wine and a plastic gallon jug of “Vodka City.”

And why not start tonight’s drinking game by drinking during the day? What else does anybody have going on, anyway? Plus, we’ll all be jobless by Christmas, and jesus h. christ won’t that be depressing. So have a few cocktails at lunch — charge ’em to the work card, if you’ve got such a thing. It’s not like your employer is going to pay the balance or anything, ever.

Also, learn from The Past. In the tough days of old, when Americans had to drink “bathtub gin” made out of urine and battery acid, they knew the importance of preparing your innards for liquid assault. This is why they would try to set up a good “meat base” by eating an entire meatloaf or some Sloppy Joes or whatever poor people eat instead of organic dry-aged Kobe beef. You can go to one of those “Hometown Buffet” places and just stuff your pockets with sausage-product patties or something. And then RUN because it’s not like they aren’t expecting the poor to be stuffing their pockets at a place called “Hometown Buffet,” next to the bakery thrift store and the Salvadoran evangelical church and the dubious dental office that advertises all the welfare plans it accepts, on its signage. (What was that shitty storefront church before, anyway? A Target? A Safeway? Impossible to tell, now.)

Tonight’s debate is, like America’s future, all about Reduced Expectations. If Sarah Palin manages to remember what office she’s running for, she will have “managed expectations.” If Joe Biden manages to make it through the night without calling Gwen Ifill a “gorgeous negress,” he will have beaten his debilitating gaffe addiction. But what about the other 90 minutes of bullshit? Let’s make it fun — or hazy, at least — by taking a drink off your wine or beer when the following occurs:

  • PALIN evades a question by mentioning state rights.
  • BIDEN says he takes the train home every day.
  • PALIN fills time by listing all her kids, by their ridiculous names.
  • BIDEN talks about Scranton.
  • PALIN blames Iraq for 9/11.
  • BIDEN blames McCain for 9/11.
  • PALIN says “like” as a White Trash discourse particle or interjection.
  • BIDEN audibly laughs at Palin.
  • PALIN stares blankly when she can’t answer a question.
  • BIDEN makes a sarcastic joke that goes right over Palin’s head, along with about half the viewers.
  • PALIN says anything comically retarded about Russia or Canada.


The following situations call for One (1) Shot of Liquor:

  • PALIN doesn’t know what FDIC or SEC stand for.
  • BIDEN admits to plagiarizing the Constitution.
  • PALIN admits to dealing meth.
  • BIDEN references Palin’s stump speech insult — where she claims she’s been hearing about Biden’s Senate speeches since she was in second grade — by saying there’s no evidence Sarah Palin ever made it second grade.
  • GWEN IFILL asks Sarah Palin about incestuous rape.
  • PALIN insults Biden for having hair plugs.
  • BIDEN calls her “another tanning booth whore, and I’ve know a few.”
  • PALIN says “lipstick” in any context.

Finally: Three shots and throw the glass at the teevee if:

  • BIDEN calls her a “hockey pig.”
  • PALIN pulls off her pantsuit to reveal a confederate-flag one-piece bathing suit, and she looks fat, and the audience boos.
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  1. “PALIN pulls off her pantsuit to reveal a confederate-flag one-piece bathing suit, and she looks fat.”.

    Actually, what would be worse is if she pulled down her panties to show a confederate flag trimmed into her bush. I think I’d have incentive to get so drunk that I black out.

  2. You and your photo department stay classy, Ken.

    I believe the confederate suit was a BIKINI and was on an LNS whore, not a snow/methbilly (of course, who knows?)

  3. Every time I go by Home Depot I see those fancy tool sheds they shell and think: wow… this could almost make a neat little home… with a bit of insulation and heat source of some time.

    So while you losers may be living in a storage facility, I’ll be livin’ it up in my gussied-up garden shed.

  4. Mmmm Hometown Buffet…..with all us elitists having to turn there now since we can no longer afford local, organic, and sustainable I bet their stock is through the roof! They should be added to the WCSI…

  5. I think you should add one there Ken:

    PALIN gives birth to a snowbilly child on stage instead of answering a tough question (after holding it in with water broken for 9 hours until JUST such an occasion)

  6. You left out hearing either candidate mention “Main Street” at which point you get to skip the booze and go straight to the gas pipe.

    And yes, there may be live blogging at the Gawk tonight. Check it out.

  7. As to eventual living accommodations here in Manhattan, I believe the refrigerator box is the most practical and, lined with clothes from the Good Will, as comfortable an abode as a New American could desire. Or aspire to own.

  8. Bravo, Ken! If you select only the text of the rules themselves, they EXACTLY fit on an 8 1/2 x 11 piece of paper. Very environmentally friendly of you.

    Of course, if you hate the trees, that would be a fail.

  9. Damnit Ken. You work from home.
    But here’s my work-a-day chant for now: Go Sarah Go Sarah Go…

    I’m looking forward to an evening of comic relief and stiff drinks… when i get home.

  10. By the way, Biden Should really open with something along the lines of “So I was reading the New Yorker the other day… wait.. or was it Harpers’… at any rate… it was an aticle on the way U.S. Constitutional law changed in the aftermath of Griswold v. Connceticut, specifically in its recognition of the right to privacy… and I thought to myself… boy, things were different back before the Bush Doctrine granted the U.S. executive the power to run roughshod over international law. And I thought back on all the world leader’s I have had the pleasure to work with in crafting international agreements and wondered whether that would ever be possible again? So I’m looking out my window, pondering these things, and for a second I think I glimpse the faintest outline of Ireland way in the distance, an ocean away, and thought: man… I’ve actually been there… a dozen times or so, and not just to refuel.”

  11. God, that chick is HOT… makes me wish I was back in college!!! Not much hotter than a chick that can drink beer and piss it right back out at the same time!

  12. [re=118290]american mutt[/re]: Go to and look up your local chapter. It is quite likely that they have something set up. Our chapter here in Tucson is meeting at a local restaurant/bar for the debate…..

  13. [re=118236]ManchuCandidate[/re]: worst possible image to accompany the roast beef sandwich i’m having for lunch. i’m going to bill you for a new keyboard now that i’ve vomited all over mine

  14. a place called “Hometown Buffet,” next to the bakery thrift store and the Salvadoran evangelical church and the dubious dental office that advertises all the welfare plans it accepts, on its signage.

    If the Hometown Buffet were a Korean BBQ place, you literally would have described my street. You forgot the place offering free pregnancy tests.

  15. You have to do a beer bong if any of the following happens:

    1. Palin mentions she put that god damned jet on ebay.
    2. Biden grabs her ass during the initial handshake.
    3. Palin accuses the moderator of “being in the tank for Obama”
    4. Dick Cheney is spotted looming somewhere in the background.

  16. How about a shot if Biden tricks Palin by asking, “We are both gun owners; but I also own a fat suit I wear for when I play Santa at the Senate Christmas Party. Do you own a fat suit to be used for impersonating Santa, or, I don’t know, say, faking a pregnancy?”

  17. I’m tired of hiring stupid people for important jobs. Weird thing is that she (and all of them) thinks they deserve it because they are stupid and stupidity has generally been a detractor for higher office…oh except Bush. Oh, and Regan.

    Democrat by Design Poster Project

    In today’s daily poster we build on Sunday’s New York Times article (that liberal elitist rag) about John McCain’s ties to lobbyists from the gambling industry. Reminds us of old stories about “holy-er than thou” types like Bill Bennett.

  18. My woman gets so angry when I drink in the morning, but I AM NOT ALONE. When the day comes and I’m on the street with no moneys and no futures, I will thank all of you.

  19. I don’t know if I’ll be in a place with internet access or not but I sure hope we can all meet on that chat thingy like last time. Shorts was there, he grabbed my cock and we made out. And then we went and did some blow in the cyber-bathroom. He’s a fun drunk but his coke is all stepped on and shitty.

    good times.

  20. [re=118311]azw88[/re]: Thanks for that tip on Drinking Liberally! I just found out that I live a block from where they meet in my town. Guess I’ll see who shows up at 6 p.m. Cool to know!

  21. Boo! Booooo, I say! I liked the high-concept drinking games, and the fancy prose, and the unrealistic situations. The conceivable scenarios in the case of this debate were virtually limitless.

  22. [re=118253]Serolf Divad[/re]: Man, I always have that same thought. And then I remember my apartment is pretty much the same size, with the same amount of insulation, and the same goddamn noisiness that living in one of those would be.

  23. She does this thing where she does some kind of Elvis-like sneer with her upper lip, as if she smells something stinky, and then she licks the Maybeline lipstick smeg that cakes up on her teeth. Sometimes, she probes the inside of her cheeks like she has moose burger grizzle she’s trying to dislodge. I find these features very Mary K-classy, and extremely guzzle-worthy.

  24. if you’re planning to use this game as a suicide attempt, take a drink whenever sarah palin starts a response with “you know,” you won’t even need to throw in the pills at the start.

  25. [re=118367]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: God, I wish I lived a block away from my DL locale. It would allow me really really drink! I have to drive 10 miles back home…. so 1-2 beers is all I dare drink! (a DUI would end my career)

  26. down a bottle of tequila whenever she says “maverick” or joey says “literally” that’s the quickest route to death by veep debate.

  27. …at a place called “Hometown Buffet,” next to the bakery thrift store and the Salvadoran evangelical church

    That’s just like my town!

  28. [re=118386]azw88[/re]: Hey, I also live about 3 blocks from where the nightly shootings occur, so don’t feel too jealous. Bars are rarely located in the nice part of town.

  29. A[re=118409]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: as long as you have a straight line between you and the bar, and the shooting gallery is the other direction, all is well!!!

  30. 2 new ones.

    for Palin – Every time she says John McCain you have to drink for 5 1/2 seconds

    for Biden – Every time he says Barack Obama everyone has to change drinks, passing to the left, and take a drink.

  31. [re=118414]azw88[/re]: Lucky for me, that’s the case. In general, my car is in much worse danger, since it’s usually parked nearer the nightly fun. Sucks to be my car.

  32. [re=118304]american mutt[/re]: But seriously, for one of the next debates we should do something. I live in Koreatown, which isn’t that far from Hollywood.

    But I have a party at USC tonight to go to…

  33. I’m not sure I can even watch this without drinking…it might be too painful…every time Sarah Palin speaks I have nightmares about actual humans voting for these people and Sarah Palin “running” our country after John McCain peaces out. I think my best bet is to just continuously drink as they continuously talk.

  34. [re=118253]Serolf Divad[/re]: My plan is to live in the Ikea showroom. During the day I’ll blend in as a customer, and scavenge unfinished Swedish meatballs from the cafeteria (God bless that “bus your own tray” policy!). Then while they’re closing up, I hide in the ball pit in the kids’ area. I spend the rest of the night lounging in luxury in any of several living room and bedroom setups! Almost better than living at my apartment, except the TVs are made of cardboard.

    This will last as long as there are actual customers for me to blend in with during the day. After there are not, there will probably be no more staff either in which case I’ll have the run of the place all day long and I can subsist off the packaged foods they sell near the exit.

  35. the only thing that can save sarah is yanking bin laden’s severed head out of her bloody vag. and when she does – pound 3 boilermakers, take 2 bong hits and donut-hole punch the person sitting next to you. finally assume the fetal position and kiss your ass good-bye.

  36. i am SOOOOOOOOOOO depressed because i’m going to the fucking opera (i know — elitist librul crap) tonight and will be missing all the fun. i’m going to try to tune in on my iPhone at halftime and i’m tivo’ing but it won’t be the same. *sigh*

  37. Pre-debate drinking game, to get you started:

    Drink if:
    -any talking head says any of the following: “expectations game”, “gaffe”, “bitter”, “meth”, “dinosaurs”
    -anyone uses “rescue” as a euphemism for “bailout”
    -Roland Martin says anything remotely intelligible
    -Just ’cause

  38. I’m making pigbull dogs with sausage, melty swiss, sauteed onions and jalapeno relish… should be able to down anything after that!!!
    After this election is over I’ll be able to publish the 2008 campaign cookbook. Any suggestions? ;)

  39. [re=118427]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: Come now, real bullet holes in a car adds so much to your street cred and is a great conversation piece and pick-up line!!

    makes me want to go out and bust a few caps into my SUV right now….

  40. [re=118545]azw88[/re]: I’m mainly hoping to remain completely invisible in this neighborhood. I’ll live longer. And bullet holes tend to say you’re looking for trouble. As a chick of small stature, probably not the best decorating choice.

  41. [re=118486]Godot[/re]:

    Cardboard, sure, but you’re talking 50″ plasma TVs props made of cardboard. If your TV is going to be made of cardboard, that’s definitely the way to go!

  42. “…a place called “Hometown Buffet,” next to the bakery thrift store and the Salvadoran evangelical church and the dubious dental office that advertises all the welfare plans it accepts, on its signage.”

    Wow. This describes the corner of 16th and National in Milwaukee, WI. Except it’s Homestyle Buffet, the dentist’s office down the street (I have used it because of their $40/year insurance), and you forgot the Check Cashing Place.

    But still, eerily accurate…

  43. since i’m in holland i need to wait until 3 AM local time till the debate starts. it’s 9 PM here right now and I just started drinking my heinekens so you might want to excuse me if I type replies like: bhweeh, djunk, ldidadA het sjaps lock. Oboema! Amika fuck uywejhldgbfpalin bleuhwufuh!

    Anyways, my heart’s with you guys. Make it count, go Obama, bladibla, in short: us europeans can’t afford another Bush either.

  44. ,blockquote>…What was that shitty storefront church before, anyway? A Target? A Safeway? Impossible to tell, now. …
    It was originally a well-respected bank. the furniture, teller’s cages, computers, pretty much everything including the tiles on the floor were all sold in the bankruptcy auction. insane homeless people lived in it for a while (some say they were former employees), building fires for heat and cooking on the floors. gangs took over after that, then it became a meth lab (which blew up, killing some people – no one ever knew how many). once the New American Government came to power, a lot of the gang members were merged into what was left of the old security forces. the new organization, AmeriGard, has waged a ruthless campaign to eliminate what is left of the old regime and rival gangs. so yes, now it is a rundown church. what stories those walls could tell.

  45. [re=118540]Agatha[/re]: Liberal-Elite Arugula Salad, Alaskan Frozen Lemon Tart, Bacon’n’Egg Scranton Scramble, and of course Southwestern Red Hot WALNUTS.

  46. [re=118253]Serolf Divad[/re]: This is sad. I just pulled into a Home Depot in fairfax. Found myself checking out the dimensions of a garden shed. But you’re right. This would do nicely and hell, at this price I could grab one more for an extra-spacey outhouse.

  47. [re=118867]Mrs. K[/re]: Good god, put them to bed before the debate! I can’t see Ms. Palin on the teevee without cussing. And I don’t need a note from preschool about one of the young’uns coming out with ‘shut up you stupid snowbilly cunt’.

    Palin-Biden VP Debate Drinking Game
    Every time Palin tries to talk about energy policy: praise your favorite oil company and pour an Alaskan Oil Spill.

    When Biden mentions Scranton, PA: Drink a Rolling Rock or similar “working class” beer.

    Every time Palin mentions a Moose or says something so stupid you think she might be less intelligent than one: drink a Moosehead beer.

    Everytime Biden mentions a foreign leader he has met: sip wine — every time he mentions a Senator as a friend: drink beer.

    When Palin claims she said “Thanks but no thanks” to the Bridge to Nowhere: Demand a new drink from your hosts, say “thanks but no thanks,” and then when no one’s looking, take it anyway, then claim you never wanted it. (Via)

    Every time Palin mentions Joe Six Pack: drink a six pack and a cup of Joe.

    Every time Biden says literally: measure out exactly one shot of Absolut.

    Every time Palin says she has executive experience: take a shot, to the head.

    Every time Sarah Palin suggests Joe Biden’s age and/or experience is a negative: toast the 72 year old McCain with an Old Fashioned.

    Every time Sarah Palin totally blanks on a question as she did several times in the Katie Couric interview: toss down a Mind Eraser shot (Kahlua, Vodka, and Sprite).

    Every time either candidate says something that obviously isn’t true: drink a little white lie.

    Every time Palin gets a round of applause put on Small Town Girl by Journey and do a double shot of the cheapest liquor in sight.

    Every time Palin mentions Alaska, add a few ice cubes to whatever you are drinking.

    Every time Palin fidgets and twists her fingers, switch drinks with the person next to you.

    Every time Palin mentions Wasilla drink a shot of Jager and howl at the wolves.

    If Palin makes a Hockey Mom reference: chug a Candian beer of your choice

    Everytime Biden says “Folks”: clink glasses/bottles, increasing the number of clinks each time — ex. the third time he says “folks” you clink three times.

    Whenever Palin doesn’t know an answer but comes off as adorable: drink a fuzzy navel.

    Every time “main street” and “wall street” are uttered in the same sentence, toss back a shot of Courvoisier and chase it with a sip of Old English.

  49. What’s better for lining the stomach in preparation for my alkie-induced coma this evening? Arugula? Carbs? If her hair is down I’m going to assume she has an earpiece. Which will only hasten my defection to Russia.

  50. 3.21 to go – just wanna say – I LOVE YOU MAN! i do. no shut up shush you’re not listening I LOVE ALL OF YOU here on this thread you’ve been like a family to me.. shush wot? i’m not shouting SHALL I WHISPER?????!!! you don’t love mwe you never did you’re a shithead you hate me bastards no i’m not talking to you anymore



  51. The Alaskan Air Space
    Get some booze with bears or moose or stags on the label
    Get out your Russian vodka from a recent trade negotiation
    Pour contents into big punch bowl until only air space remains in the bottles
    Add diet cream soda and mandarin oranges (optional)
    Place big punch bowl on teetering TV tray
    Drink with crazy straw when the one with the ballet class hairdo talks

    Post Debate Activity
    Arrange empty bottles on top of the TV.
    Look at them: contemplate future.

  52. Yes that Chick is HOT ! If I make President I gonna get me one just like her,I won’t do like Bill I will rip her panties off on the Whith House lawn.
    I don’t care if that ugly ass Michelle is watching.

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