Enough with the high-concept drinking games, the fancy prose, and the unrealistic situations — that you are drinking “with friends,” for example. By this time next year, you might be sharing a storage space with your entire extended family, so let’s go ahead and enjoy the luxury of drinking alone and yelling at the teevee, one more time together. Also, we are all poor now, so the beverages will be dramatically simplified. Cheap beer, box wine and a plastic gallon jug of “Vodka City.”
And why not start tonight’s drinking game by drinking during the day? What else does anybody have going on, anyway? Plus, we’ll all be jobless by Christmas, and jesus h. christ won’t that be depressing. So have a few cocktails at lunch — charge ’em to the work card, if you’ve got such a thing. It’s not like your employer is going to pay the balance or anything, ever.
Also, learn from The Past. In the tough days of old, when Americans had to drink “bathtub gin” made out of urine and battery acid, they knew the importance of preparing your innards for liquid assault. This is why they would try to set up a good “meat base” by eating an entire meatloaf or some Sloppy Joes or whatever poor people eat instead of organic dry-aged Kobe beef. You can go to one of those “Hometown Buffet” places and just stuff your pockets with sausage-product patties or something. And then RUN because it’s not like they aren’t expecting the poor to be stuffing their pockets at a place called “Hometown Buffet,” next to the bakery thrift store and the Salvadoran evangelical church and the dubious dental office that advertises all the welfare plans it accepts, on its signage. (What was that shitty storefront church before, anyway? A Target? A Safeway? Impossible to tell, now.)
Tonight’s debate is, like America’s future, all about Reduced Expectations. If Sarah Palin manages to remember what office she’s running for, she will have “managed expectations.” If Joe Biden manages to make it through the night without calling Gwen Ifill a “gorgeous negress,” he will have beaten his debilitating gaffe addiction. But what about the other 90 minutes of bullshit? Let’s make it fun — or hazy, at least — by taking a drink off your wine or beer when the following occurs:
- PALIN evades a question by mentioning state rights.
- BIDEN says he takes the train home every day.
- PALIN fills time by listing all her kids, by their ridiculous names.
- BIDEN talks about Scranton.
- PALIN blames Iraq for 9/11.
- BIDEN blames McCain for 9/11.
- PALIN says “like” as a White Trash discourse particle or interjection.
- BIDEN audibly laughs at Palin.
- PALIN stares blankly when she can’t answer a question.
- BIDEN makes a sarcastic joke that goes right over Palin’s head, along with about half the viewers.
- PALIN says anything comically retarded about Russia or Canada.
LIGHTNING BONUS ROUND:
The following situations call for One (1) Shot of Liquor:
- PALIN doesn’t know what FDIC or SEC stand for.
- BIDEN admits to plagiarizing the Constitution.
- PALIN admits to dealing meth.
- BIDEN references Palin’s stump speech insult — where she claims she’s been hearing about Biden’s Senate speeches since she was in second grade — by saying there’s no evidence Sarah Palin ever made it second grade.
- GWEN IFILL asks Sarah Palin about incestuous rape.
- PALIN insults Biden for having hair plugs.
- BIDEN calls her “another tanning booth whore, and I’ve know a few.”
- PALIN says “lipstick” in any context.
Finally: Three shots and throw the glass at the teevee if:
- BIDEN calls her a “hockey pig.”
- PALIN pulls off her pantsuit to reveal a confederate-flag one-piece bathing suit, and she looks fat, and the audience boos.