• May 26, 2012
SEMANTICS

September 30, 2008

White House Will Replace ‘Bailout’ With ‘Rescue’ And Everyone Will Love It

by Jim Newell  

This is exactly how Hank Paulson envisioned it workingThe White House has been trying to rename the GREEDY WALL STREET MONEY GIFT a “rescue” plan today as a more palatable replacement for the common nomenclature, “bailout.” Now “bailout” is not a very marketable word, sure, so let’s test how “rescue” plays out: “The government wants to rescue Wall Street with billions of dollars in taxpayer money.” Somehow we are still skeptical! So here’s a free advertising tip, White House — avoid this structure: “The government wants to [ANYTHING WITH A POSITIVE CONNOTATION] Wall Street with billions of dollars in taxpayer money.” In fact, “rescue” may be even worse than “bailout” — “rescue” implies some actively exhausting and dangerous double-cover spy mission to Hell on which every taxpayer must embark; “bailout” sounds like you just have to cut a check and be done with it. We suggest they call the package an “iPod,” because everyone will pay for an iPod. [LA Times]

{ 77 comments }

slappypaddy September 30, 2008 at 4:48 pm

how bout “fertilize”?… as in, “the gummint wantsa fertilize wall street wit billions o’yer dollars, cuzz that’s all they’s good fer anymore”… them peeps all fulla shit, anyway…

carerer September 30, 2008 at 4:49 pm

How about calling it a surge?

queeraselvis v 2.0 September 30, 2008 at 4:49 pm

Masturbate?

Sussemilch September 30, 2008 at 4:50 pm

Freedom funding!

nurple September 30, 2008 at 4:51 pm

Congress wants to FATTEN-UP Wall Street. Americans love fat.

Davidwatts September 30, 2008 at 4:54 pm

“Congress PUNISHES Wall Street with a STERNLY-WORDED $700 billion.” Makes just about enough sense for your average American.

tunamelt September 30, 2008 at 4:54 pm

A-Levels.

shortsshortsshorts September 30, 2008 at 4:54 pm

“The government wants to sex up Wall Street”

NotUrEvryDayWEzl September 30, 2008 at 4:55 pm

[re=115925]nurple[/re]: The pig farmer in me can’t wait to lead them to slaughter.

Varchar September 30, 2008 at 4:56 pm

Why don’t they call it “700B Iraq Appropriations Act of 2008″. That kind of shit passes all the time.

cal September 30, 2008 at 4:57 pm

Just say “it’s magic.”

AngryBlakGuy September 30, 2008 at 4:57 pm

…how about a “Patriot Pay-Out”?

tunamelt September 30, 2008 at 4:57 pm

[re=115935]NotUrEvryDayWEzl[/re]: You have a pig farmer in you? Why don’t you let him out?

BillyClubb September 30, 2008 at 4:58 pm

[re=115930]Davidwatts[/re]: Yes, punishment, that’s what we’ll call it. We have been naughty and deserve a good spanking…

Now I feel better.

Gopherit v2.0 September 30, 2008 at 4:58 pm

Which of the Administration clods is the clumsy but well-meaning Albatross?

cal September 30, 2008 at 4:59 pm

[re=115924]Sussemilch[/re]: Win!

magic titty September 30, 2008 at 4:59 pm

Masturbailout?
Touchie feelie governance?
Butt sex?

Chicken Smack September 30, 2008 at 4:59 pm

Call it “Value-Added Re-positioning”. Or a keighwai rechurround. Yeah, that’s it.

and to [re=115925]nurple[/re]: Y’know, it makes more sense to just fatten up Americans. Wait… wait… we’re almost done. We eat tonight!!

Valerie September 30, 2008 at 4:59 pm

Quiverfull Wall Street to get 700 billion gifts from god?

Tawmn September 30, 2008 at 4:59 pm

Wall Street Re-fund?

Everyone likes a refund!

Q2 September 30, 2008 at 5:00 pm

Bailout = Rescue. Clear Skies = Pollution. Withdrawal = Surrender. Choice = Murder. So I ask you, HOW FUQING STUPID ARE THE AMERICAN PEOPLE?

After eight years of GW the answer — apparently — is “very.”

Number6 September 30, 2008 at 5:00 pm

Freedom Fund?

NotUrEvryDayWEzl September 30, 2008 at 5:01 pm

[re=115940]tunamelt[/re]: It feels too good.

AngryBlakGuy September 30, 2008 at 5:01 pm

…Financing Freedom?

Valerie September 30, 2008 at 5:01 pm

[re=115938]cal[/re]: …never believe it’s not sooo…

AngryBlakGuy September 30, 2008 at 5:01 pm

…Maverick Mortgaging?

Smoke Filled Roommate September 30, 2008 at 5:02 pm

The Taxpayer Assfuck? no, too negative. What about ‘Deliverance Package’ or ‘Economy AIDS Plan’?

Lascauxcaveman September 30, 2008 at 5:02 pm

I have two iPods and didn’t pay for either of them. Got the Mini free when I bought my wife an iBook and the Touch free when I bought my iMac.

I thought that’s how everyone got their iPods?

Gopherit v2.0 September 30, 2008 at 5:04 pm

do-over. Everybody wants a do-over.

qwerty42 September 30, 2008 at 5:04 pm

“roger”?
an alternative from Krugman

AnnieGetYourFun September 30, 2008 at 5:05 pm

Everyone knows that the government feels strongly about the fine line between a bailout and a rescue. That’s why they intially refused to bail out all of those black people in New Orleans who were too greedy and selfish to get out of town before the levies broke.

AngryBlakGuy September 30, 2008 at 5:05 pm

…Democratic Do-Over!!!

loquaciousmusic September 30, 2008 at 5:05 pm

I know I’ve said this before, but George would get this bailout passed — hell, he’d get anything passed — if he just showed this video and then was like, “So, um, what do all you dipshits think NOW?!” and everyone would still be dancing and they’d vote “YEA,” the end.

Botswana Meat Commission FC September 30, 2008 at 5:06 pm

The president wants to shock and awe some dang default-credit swaps.

grendel September 30, 2008 at 5:06 pm

[re=115930]Davidwatts[/re]: Haha… that’s what I was about to type…

shortsshortsshorts September 30, 2008 at 5:06 pm

Honest marketing would be nice:
“Fuck you tax payer. Suck my balls. We are going to spend a ludicrous amount of your money now because we can’t tell our mouths from our assholes” plan.

tsunami September 30, 2008 at 5:07 pm

call it NO BAILOUT BILL…then, give ‘em what they need.

think…PATRIOT ACT…then, take away their freedom.

Lascauxcaveman September 30, 2008 at 5:08 pm

[re=115960]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: It wouldn’t kill Wall Street to check apple.com to see if Jobs is giving away $700 billion rebates w/purchase of a new MacBook Pro, would it?

magic titty September 30, 2008 at 5:08 pm

FEMA?

loquaciousmusic September 30, 2008 at 5:08 pm

[re=115970]loquaciousmusic[/re]: Also, Barack Obama is in that video. Can you spot him?

grendel September 30, 2008 at 5:08 pm

How about “Congress votes on a $700 Billion hostile takeover of Wall Street”

Q2 September 30, 2008 at 5:10 pm

How about: I Don’t Know How Much of This I Can Handle Before I Start Burning Cars Downtown In Front of The Local Starbucks or IDKHMOFICTBISBCDIFOFLS.

Look what’s happening down at Wall Street!
Got a refundlution Got a refundlution
Hey they’re dancing down The Street
Got a refundlution Got a refundlution
Ain’t it amazing how all the people got beat
Got a refundlution Got a refundlution
One generation got old
This generation got sold
Next generations got no destination to hold
Pick up the cry
Hey now it’s time for you and me
Pay a refundlution Pay a refundlution
We are volunteers of America
Volunteers of America!

queeraselvis v 2.0 September 30, 2008 at 5:11 pm

Wall Street: Giving Taxpayers a Drano Enema since 2008!

JadedDIssonance September 30, 2008 at 5:11 pm

Support our Financial Troops!

I want a yellow car ribbon!

Q2 September 30, 2008 at 5:12 pm

How about: “You’re either with us or your against the economy?”

InsidiousTuna September 30, 2008 at 5:14 pm

That movie is the fucking shit.

sanantonerose September 30, 2008 at 5:14 pm

Rescue? What is this, some trashy romance novel where the handsome stud with dark curls and flashing eyes saves the blond swooning half naked damsel in…

I’ll be right back. I just remembered that I have something to attend to.

madtowngooner September 30, 2008 at 5:15 pm

Who cares? From MSNBC

Global asteroid watch urged

We’ve got 5 1/2 years

mr.november September 30, 2008 at 5:16 pm

How ’bout Bush wants his economic stimulus package back and than some?

btwbfdimho September 30, 2008 at 5:16 pm

[re=115960]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: I didn’t buy my wife so I’ve got her touch free.

East of Sweden September 30, 2008 at 5:21 pm

“Rescue” sounds nice enough. As a patriotic move you could add the numbers 911 to it. And ask William Shatner to host it.

Gopherit v2.0 September 30, 2008 at 5:23 pm

[re=115993]madtowngooner[/re]: They say that every 10 years or so. Don’t worry. Putin will kill us all before an asteroid will.

shortsshortsshorts September 30, 2008 at 5:26 pm

The free market is saving the free market from itself? Isn’t this like the definition of insanity er something?

JadedDIssonance September 30, 2008 at 5:27 pm

Bailing Out implies some kind of sinking. Instead: Taxpayer Rape Kits

madtowngooner September 30, 2008 at 5:27 pm

[re=116005]East of Sweden[/re]: Have Rudy host it and it can be Rescue 9/11

PrairiePossum September 30, 2008 at 5:27 pm

Call it a stimulus check. No one can resist a good stimulation.

Or White Man’s Welfare.

btwbfdimho September 30, 2008 at 5:30 pm

“Financial Prozac”?

But I’d rather recommend the SubPrime Minister Paulson to lower the cost of the program to $690 billion and offer the remaining $10 billion to the honorable members of the House, just to see what happens.

Gopherit v2.0 September 30, 2008 at 5:34 pm

[re=116031]btwbfdimho[/re]: Fuck that. We need financial Zanax with a MBA Burbon chaser.

Outstando September 30, 2008 at 5:47 pm

Of all the drugs the one I like more is Wall Street
Of all the junks the one I need more is Wall Street
Of all the boys the one I take home is Wall Street
Of all the ladies the one I kiss is Wall Street (muah!)

Wall Street is my boyfriend
Wall Street is my girlfriend
Wall Street is my dead end
Wall Street is my imaginary friend
Wall Street is my brother
Wall Street is my great-grand-daughter
Wall Street is my sister
Wall Street is my favorite mistress

Of all the shit the one I gotta buy is Wall Street
Of all the jobs the one I choose is Wall Street
Of all the drinks, I get drunk off Wall Street
Of all the bitches the one I wanna be is Wall Street

Wall Street is my beach house
Wall Street is my hometown
Wall Street is my king-size bed
Wall Street’s where I make my friends
Wall Street is my hot hot bath
Wall Street is my hot hot sex
Wall Street is my back rub
Wall Street is where I’d like you to touch

Outstando September 30, 2008 at 5:50 pm

[re=116048]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: I have a t shirt covered with ghoulish visages that reads “Anxiety has many faces. There is only one Xanax.” It’s actually part of their marketing materials. Words don’t do it justice.

Godot September 30, 2008 at 5:51 pm

[re=115960]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: I’m an honest hardworking American and I pay for my iPods with my hard-earned wages, only I’m poor so all I can afford are Zunes.

Freeloading communist hippies like my father, on the other hand, seem to win two a year in half-baked “contests”.

Tra September 30, 2008 at 5:56 pm

o here’s a free advertising tip, White House — avoid this structure: “The government wants to [ANYTHING WITH A POSITIVE CONNOTATION] Wall Street with billions of dollars in taxpayer money.”

I dunno. It’s possible that “set fire to” might go over well. That money’s not going to be worth anything in a few weeks anyway.

ihasasad September 30, 2008 at 5:57 pm

“The government wants to [keep the welfare queen from driving her Cadillac on] Wall Street with billions of dollars in taxpayer money.”

Reagan would approve

Waveos September 30, 2008 at 6:22 pm

From my Thesaurus widget: Release, freeing, liberation, deliverance or saving someone’s bacon/neck/skin.
My choice: duct tape.

jagorev September 30, 2008 at 6:33 pm

Why all the hatred of Wall Street? There’s, like, nothing there now, except the Federal Hall museum, St. Patrick’s church, and some condo buildings that used to be banks.

If you want to set fire to something, try Greenwich, Conn. or Manhattan Between 42nd and 86th.

TeddyS September 30, 2008 at 6:44 pm

I actually just heard a Republican congressman claiming that he voted against the bailout because the White House was saying that it had to get done right now without proper oversight or else. WTF was he during the runup to Iraq and the shoving of the Patriot Act up our butts? Oh yeh. He was on the George Bush side.

Baseproduct September 30, 2008 at 6:54 pm

Why must wonkette be anti-semantic?

bitchincamaro September 30, 2008 at 7:47 pm

Money shot?

bitchincamaro September 30, 2008 at 7:49 pm

Failout?

bitchincamaro September 30, 2008 at 7:50 pm

I got billions of ‘em.

Johnny Zhivago September 30, 2008 at 8:00 pm

Instead of calling it the “Wall Street Bailout”, call it the “Wall Street Blowjob”

Smoke Filled Roommate September 30, 2008 at 9:51 pm

[re=116194]bitchincamaro[/re]: Ha, ‘failout’ has already crossed my mind. I’m beholden to ‘Deliverance Package’ (Rescue + Assfuck).

gjdodger September 30, 2008 at 10:01 pm

Call it “Sarah Palin.” It’s attractive, but stupid.

Smoke Filled Roommate September 30, 2008 at 10:48 pm

Or the nicely misleading ‘Blue Sky’ Initiative.

Smoke Filled Roommate September 30, 2008 at 11:00 pm

Jeez Louise: blue sky.

heathenish September 30, 2008 at 11:22 pm

i vote for JadedDIssonance’s’ Taxpayer Rape Kits or Johnny Zhivago’s Wall Street Blowjob, all i could come up with was stuff that sounded too true, like wall street welfare, or something that didn’t have the right spin, so let’s see blue sky=polution, this has to be the exact opposite of what it is so would be not “help to wall street rich bastards”, but ummm, i think i’ve almost go it…help main street americans, or something like that? i don’t know i think the Rape Kit and the Blow Job really are the best!

villageatrois October 1, 2008 at 3:47 am

[re=116147]TeddyS[/re]: Actually, something very important happened yesterday: The Billion Mega-buck Gift to our financial overlords was stopped by House Republicans AND the Congressional Black Caucus. Look at the votes! Jesse Jackson Jr. joined with the Red State Congress members to stop the Fascist takeover of our economy!

This is the most positive political development in the US for many years. Congress members actually thought about, and voted for, the best interests of their constituents. Because, if we fry them for tubing us, we’re not gonna stop and ask whether they are lib/cons, or black/white, or red state/blue state.

Go to a print shop and get 1000 bumper stickers with this message: ALL OF THEM! People in DC don’t even have a seat to lose.

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