Wonkette
The White House has been trying to rename the GREEDY WALL STREET MONEY GIFT a “rescue” plan today as a more palatable replacement for the common nomenclature, “bailout.” Now “bailout” is not a very marketable word, sure, so let’s test how “rescue” plays out: “The government wants to rescue Wall Street with billions of dollars in taxpayer money.” Somehow we are still skeptical! So here’s a free advertising tip, White House — avoid this structure: “The government wants to [ANYTHING WITH A POSITIVE CONNOTATION] Wall Street with billions of dollars in taxpayer money.” In fact, “rescue” may be even worse than “bailout” — “rescue” implies some actively exhausting and dangerous double-cover spy mission to Hell on which every taxpayer must embark; “bailout” sounds like you just have to cut a check and be done with it. We suggest they call the package an “iPod,” because everyone will pay for an iPod. [LA Times]
how bout “fertilize”?… as in, “the gummint wantsa fertilize wall street wit billions o’yer dollars, cuzz that’s all they’s good fer anymore”… them peeps all fulla shit, anyway…
How about calling it a surge?
Masturbate?
Freedom funding!
Congress wants to FATTEN-UP Wall Street. Americans love fat.
“Congress PUNISHES Wall Street with a STERNLY-WORDED $700 billion.” Makes just about enough sense for your average American.
A-Levels.
“The government wants to sex up Wall Street”
nurple: The pig farmer in me can’t wait to lead them to slaughter.
Why don’t they call it “700B Iraq Appropriations Act of 2008″. That kind of shit passes all the time.
Just say “it’s magic.”
…how about a “Patriot Pay-Out”?
NotUrEvryDayWEzl: You have a pig farmer in you? Why don’t you let him out?
Davidwatts: Yes, punishment, that’s what we’ll call it. We have been naughty and deserve a good spanking…
Now I feel better.
Which of the Administration clods is the clumsy but well-meaning Albatross?
Sussemilch: Win!
Masturbailout?
Touchie feelie governance?
Butt sex?
Call it “Value-Added Re-positioning”. Or a keighwai rechurround. Yeah, that’s it.
and to nurple: Y’know, it makes more sense to just fatten up Americans. Wait… wait… we’re almost done. We eat tonight!!
Quiverfull Wall Street to get 700 billion gifts from god?
Wall Street Re-fund?
Everyone likes a refund!
Bailout = Rescue. Clear Skies = Pollution. Withdrawal = Surrender. Choice = Murder. So I ask you, HOW FUQING STUPID ARE THE AMERICAN PEOPLE?
After eight years of GW the answer — apparently — is “very.”
Freedom Fund?
tunamelt: It feels too good.
…Financing Freedom?
cal: …never believe it’s not sooo…
…Maverick Mortgaging?
The Taxpayer Assfuck? no, too negative. What about ‘Deliverance Package’ or ‘Economy AIDS Plan’?
I have two iPods and didn’t pay for either of them. Got the Mini free when I bought my wife an iBook and the Touch free when I bought my iMac.
I thought that’s how everyone got their iPods?
do-over. Everybody wants a do-over.
“roger”?
an alternative from Krugman
Everyone knows that the government feels strongly about the fine line between a bailout and a rescue. That’s why they intially refused to bail out all of those black people in New Orleans who were too greedy and selfish to get out of town before the levies broke.
…Democratic Do-Over!!!
I know I’ve said this before, but George would get this bailout passed — hell, he’d get anything passed — if he just showed this video and then was like, “So, um, what do all you dipshits think NOW?!” and everyone would still be dancing and they’d vote “YEA,” the end.
The president wants to shock and awe some dang default-credit swaps.
Davidwatts: Haha… that’s what I was about to type…
Honest marketing would be nice:
“Fuck you tax payer. Suck my balls. We are going to spend a ludicrous amount of your money now because we can’t tell our mouths from our assholes” plan.
call it NO BAILOUT BILL…then, give ‘em what they need.
think…PATRIOT ACT…then, take away their freedom.
Lascauxcaveman: It wouldn’t kill Wall Street to check apple.com to see if Jobs is giving away $700 billion rebates w/purchase of a new MacBook Pro, would it?
FEMA?
loquaciousmusic: Also, Barack Obama is in that video. Can you spot him?
How about “Congress votes on a $700 Billion hostile takeover of Wall Street”
How about: I Don’t Know How Much of This I Can Handle Before I Start Burning Cars Downtown In Front of The Local Starbucks or IDKHMOFICTBISBCDIFOFLS.
Look what’s happening down at Wall Street!
Got a refundlution Got a refundlution
Hey they’re dancing down The Street
Got a refundlution Got a refundlution
Ain’t it amazing how all the people got beat
Got a refundlution Got a refundlution
One generation got old
This generation got sold
Next generations got no destination to hold
Pick up the cry
Hey now it’s time for you and me
Pay a refundlution Pay a refundlution
We are volunteers of America
Volunteers of America!
Wall Street: Giving Taxpayers a Drano Enema since 2008!
Support our Financial Troops!
I want a yellow car ribbon!
How about: “You’re either with us or your against the economy?”
That movie is the fucking shit.
Rescue? What is this, some trashy romance novel where the handsome stud with dark curls and flashing eyes saves the blond swooning half naked damsel in…
I’ll be right back. I just remembered that I have something to attend to.
Who cares? From MSNBC
Global asteroid watch urged
We’ve got 5 1/2 years
How ’bout Bush wants his economic stimulus package back and than some?
Lascauxcaveman: I didn’t buy my wife so I’ve got her touch free.
“Rescue” sounds nice enough. As a patriotic move you could add the numbers 911 to it. And ask William Shatner to host it.
madtowngooner: They say that every 10 years or so. Don’t worry. Putin will kill us all before an asteroid will.
The free market is saving the free market from itself? Isn’t this like the definition of insanity er something?
Bailing Out implies some kind of sinking. Instead: Taxpayer Rape Kits
East of Sweden: Have Rudy host it and it can be Rescue 9/11
Call it a stimulus check. No one can resist a good stimulation.
Or White Man’s Welfare.
“Financial Prozac”?
But I’d rather recommend the SubPrime Minister Paulson to lower the cost of the program to $690 billion and offer the remaining $10 billion to the honorable members of the House, just to see what happens.
btwbfdimho: Fuck that. We need financial Zanax with a MBA Burbon chaser.
Of all the drugs the one I like more is Wall Street
Of all the junks the one I need more is Wall Street
Of all the boys the one I take home is Wall Street
Of all the ladies the one I kiss is Wall Street (muah!)
Wall Street is my boyfriend
Wall Street is my girlfriend
Wall Street is my dead end
Wall Street is my imaginary friend
Wall Street is my brother
Wall Street is my great-grand-daughter
Wall Street is my sister
Wall Street is my favorite mistress
Of all the shit the one I gotta buy is Wall Street
Of all the jobs the one I choose is Wall Street
Of all the drinks, I get drunk off Wall Street
Of all the bitches the one I wanna be is Wall Street
Wall Street is my beach house
Wall Street is my hometown
Wall Street is my king-size bed
Wall Street’s where I make my friends
Wall Street is my hot hot bath
Wall Street is my hot hot sex
Wall Street is my back rub
Wall Street is where I’d like you to touch
Gopherit v2.0: I have a t shirt covered with ghoulish visages that reads “Anxiety has many faces. There is only one Xanax.” It’s actually part of their marketing materials. Words don’t do it justice.
Lascauxcaveman: I’m an honest hardworking American and I pay for my iPods with my hard-earned wages, only I’m poor so all I can afford are Zunes.
Freeloading communist hippies like my father, on the other hand, seem to win two a year in half-baked “contests”.
o here’s a free advertising tip, White House — avoid this structure: “The government wants to [ANYTHING WITH A POSITIVE CONNOTATION] Wall Street with billions of dollars in taxpayer money.”
I dunno. It’s possible that “set fire to” might go over well. That money’s not going to be worth anything in a few weeks anyway.
“The government wants to [keep the welfare queen from driving her Cadillac on] Wall Street with billions of dollars in taxpayer money.”
Reagan would approve
From my Thesaurus widget: Release, freeing, liberation, deliverance or saving someone’s bacon/neck/skin.
My choice: duct tape.
Why all the hatred of Wall Street? There’s, like, nothing there now, except the Federal Hall museum, St. Patrick’s church, and some condo buildings that used to be banks.
If you want to set fire to something, try Greenwich, Conn. or Manhattan Between 42nd and 86th.
I actually just heard a Republican congressman claiming that he voted against the bailout because the White House was saying that it had to get done right now without proper oversight or else. WTF was he during the runup to Iraq and the shoving of the Patriot Act up our butts? Oh yeh. He was on the George Bush side.
Why must wonkette be anti-semantic?
Money shot?
Failout?
I got billions of ‘em.
Instead of calling it the “Wall Street Bailout”, call it the “Wall Street Blowjob”
bitchincamaro: Ha, ‘failout’ has already crossed my mind. I’m beholden to ‘Deliverance Package’ (Rescue + Assfuck).
Call it “Sarah Palin.” It’s attractive, but stupid.
Or the nicely misleading ‘Blue Sky’ Initiative.
Jeez Louise: blue sky.
i vote for JadedDIssonance’s’ Taxpayer Rape Kits or Johnny Zhivago’s Wall Street Blowjob, all i could come up with was stuff that sounded too true, like wall street welfare, or something that didn’t have the right spin, so let’s see blue sky=polution, this has to be the exact opposite of what it is so would be not “help to wall street rich bastards”, but ummm, i think i’ve almost go it…help main street americans, or something like that? i don’t know i think the Rape Kit and the Blow Job really are the best!
TeddyS: Actually, something very important happened yesterday: The Billion Mega-buck Gift to our financial overlords was stopped by House Republicans AND the Congressional Black Caucus. Look at the votes! Jesse Jackson Jr. joined with the Red State Congress members to stop the Fascist takeover of our economy!
This is the most positive political development in the US for many years. Congress members actually thought about, and voted for, the best interests of their constituents. Because, if we fry them for tubing us, we’re not gonna stop and ask whether they are lib/cons, or black/white, or red state/blue state.
Go to a print shop and get 1000 bumper stickers with this message: ALL OF THEM! People in DC don’t even have a seat to lose.