Wonkette
PBS anchor Gwen Ifill, who will host Thursday’s debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin, purportedly broke her ankle “after tripping and falling down stairs at her home last night.” Oh well what a timely “accident,” and what a likely “story,” which sounds nothing like “intimidation.” CAN SOMEONE then, maybe, explain the letter found next to Ifill’s ruined body that read “no forrin polisy gotcha quesschins,” written in virgin goat blood and signed by “Thteve Thchmidt”? [TV Newser]
ANYTHING TO STOP THIS DEBATE
VP Debate Moderator Gwen Ifill Breaks Ankle, HOW PECULIAR HMM?
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3:08 PM
on Tue September 30 2008
By
Jim Newell
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Damn it - I waz juss getting used to Jesse
Hopefully she will be all loopy on Vicodin!
I love Gwen! Gwen will rise to the occasion and slather them with ironic good humor! Gwen needs her own CHANNEL. Gwen will TRIUMPH!
(Did that sound too gay? Too much like a Judy moment?)
Slipped on a Hot Cheeto?
Actually Sarah P. hired Tonya Harding to do the dirty work, as she is experienced at that sorta thing, and cutie pie isn’t — at anything, apparently…..
At this point I’m afraid “What’s your favorite color” is gonna be called out as a gotcha by the McCain folks. Not that Ifill should be intimidated — if McCain’s thugs can’t even push a research-laden newslady down the stairs properly, nobody’s gonna be afraid of them.
Maybe if you didn’t hate white freedoms so much, you wouldn’t be in this position. Obvs.
Woah. “Showgirls” flashback.
Her replacement is slated to be a panel comprised of Sean Hannity, Phyllis Schlafly, and Michael Savage.
In what appears to be a “total coincidence,” Jeff Gillooly was spotted nearby with a hammer, some dowel rods, and Steve Schmidt’s beeper number written on the back of a napkin from a gay strip bar.
Holy fucking Gillooly! This is bullshit. Which Republican ’staffer’ broke into Gwen’s condo and jizzed some of the slippery onto the top step?!? I demand answers.
The christian crazies will think their prayers have been answered.
…tomorrow she is going to wake up with a horses head in her bed.
Ifill: And now a question for Ms. Palin: what’s the best way to skin a moose?
If she had “cankles”, there would be no problem. Further proof that you’d want Hillary taking that 3 a.m. phone call.
writechic: I bet they’re praying for rain inside the studio, too.
Serolf Divad: Palin:Well, Gwen, to create job creation and shore up the unemployment and such as that.
Poor Gwen, like the rest of us this week, she was probably pounding alcohol and was pie-eyed when she “tripped and fell down the stairs”…
Geez, the Repubs can’t even get this thing right?
It was supposed to be Palin falling down the stairs and breaking various bones so’s to have an excuse to not show up; or at least be ‘off her game.’
Sarah Palin can see her ankles so she is qualified to set Gwen’s broken one. Or maybe WALNUTS! could suspend his campaign to help–by which I mean help amputate Gwen’s leg. Maybe Gwen got a foot massage from one of those over zealous WALNUTS! supporters? The causes and solutions are infinite. Much like Sarah Palin jokes.
The Republican Party regrets this terrible accident that was a warning from God to all news media gotcha zombies.
Substandard lighting in our stairwells is just one of the challenges we face here at WNET, but with your generous continued support, injury rates continue to drop every year. Our phones will be open throughout the next hour of Nature’s “Hot Squid Lovin’” so you can show your support for quality television at this crucial time. And dropping by next hour, Marty Stouffer will set Gwen’s ankle live with a hickory branch. Will it hurt? Stay tuned!
Great. PBS is on TV right now begging for money so they can pay for Gwen’s cast.
AngryBlakGuy: Dude. Moose’s head. with all the antlers and stuff.
NoWireHangers: well done.
DON’T EAT THE FISH SOUP GWEN!
Hillary did it
Have Captain Tenille take her place. “Get it on!”
What they fail to report on was the cause of the fall.
A PBS source claims it was a caribou’s head [sic] “or maybe a moose or something” that was found on the second floor landing of Ifill’s stairwell.
Its really hard to tell the difference at this point, there’s no lipstick.
Damn, there goes my fantasy team. Oh, my bad. I thought that was a picture of T.O.
http://usversusthem.files.wordpress.com/2008/01/terrell_owens.jpg
Lascauxcaveman: I’m probably not the first to think of this, but Sarah’s not going to excuse herself from the ticket she’s dragging down. The campaign is going to have her killed. Huckabee, who is just as nuts but polls quite a bit better, steps in, and voila! McCain wins by a whisker.
Run, Sarah! Run! I don’t like you, but I also don’t think you should have to die.
nurple: And they say public television is boring.
Palin will bee using this fancy website to cultivate her answers to the debate.
GI: “Thank you both for appearing tonight. My first question is to Governor Palin: BITCH! Whyd’joo break my ankle, huh? What the hell is wrong with your skinny white ass? Oh, ah’m gonna come up on that stage an’ stick that microphone where the sun don’t shine. You better answer me now - WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?”
SP: (stunned, blinking) “Wha’? What? What are you talking about? Where’s John? John? Where are you?”
GI: “Ha! Gotcha! Just kidding. Seriously, my first question is, what do you perceive as the relationship between current oil prices vis a vis the commodities markets, insofar as the claim that derivatives may be involved in an artificial inflation of energy futures?”
SP: (long silence) “… Uh … Roe versus … Wade?”
Sarah did always know the best places to hide the moose traps.
Gwen goes down, and Katie’s taking her place. Then what? 2 against 1?
I wove making fun of peopwe wif thspeech impedimenth.
She had to jump down the stairs, to avoid Todd Palin coming at her in a snowmobile.
“WHYYYYY?!!?!? WHYYYYYYY!!!!???! WHYYYYY!!??!?”
Was Condi around to “comfort” her?
Lascauxcaveman: I beg to differ on your latter point. Of course I wouldn’t want her to be KILLED, but accidents happen.
Yeah, any questions for Governor Palin about the Portsmouth Naval Treaty of 1905 and you can kiss the other ankle goodbye, too, Sweetheart.
I think it was Rachel Maddow for Gwen stealing her lesbian haircut.
AngryBlakGuy: I knew somebody already wrote that. Blast!
“We will release your family members after the debate. Remember, no funny stuff, and NO COPS.”
Does Steve Schmidt really have a lisp? I’ve never heard him speak.
“Oh no, it’s nothing negative at all. He’s got a lot of experience and just stating the fact there, that we’ve been hearing his speeches for all these years. So he’s got a tremendous amount of experience and, you know, I’m the new energy, the new face, the new ideas and he’s got the experience based on many many years in the Senate and voters are gonna have a choice there of what it is that they want in these next four years.” [americablog]
I’m a moose. Please just shoot me in the head.
Am ready for this debate drinking game to start at any time, say, in 5, 4…? Takers?
Strappo: It sounded gay, but not *too* gay. And yes, Gwen rules.
I’m willing to bet she was tripped by a skillfully wielded hockey stick.
I thought it was virgin Moose blood. Whatever…
sarahconnor: Shouldn’t you be takin care of your kid who’s supposed to beat down the robots? If the Palin wins, the computers don’t have to be as smart to take over the world and they’ll do it next year at 2:43pm.
surfacenoise76: El Topo: I don’t think it was a lisp being referenced. It was likely a thinly veiled ‘disguised’ name.
It was Todd Gallooli Palin.
sarahconnor:
I’m with ya! I think I’ll choose the worthy phrase ‘In what respect?’ as my cue.
It was a Jesus horse that knocked her down the steps.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/bar-art/414998399/
“We’re told Ifill had been walking up a staircase, carrying research related to her moderating duties at Thursday’s Vice Presidential debate in St. Louis, when she took a wrong step.”
According to most actuarial tables, most accidents happen at home just before apocalyptic Vice Presidential debates.
50+ comments and no Blingee? Wonkette = fail.
“CAN SOMEONE then, maybe, explain the letter found next to Ifill’s ruined body that read “no forrin polisy gotcha quesschins,” written in virgin goat blood and signed by “Thteve Thchmidt”?”
I like the investigator who walked onto the scene and immediately recognized that not only was it goat blood, it was virgin goat blood.
Dear God! Someone make sure her cat is still alive!
“In other news, Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin broke her brain last night. Sources said that she had ‘just been using it too much’ lately.”
magic titty: Technically, I think they just had one of the congressional pages fart on the steps.
Is Ifill’s lipstick tattooed on, too? It’s suspiciously shiny. Maybe that’s the gotcha question she was preparing: “honey, can I get the name of your tattooist? Your work is AMAZING.”
Does anyone know where John McCain was yesterday??
NoWireHangers: Curses. Beat me to it. Why is the Wonkette site so slow today? Just me?
Squiggyfm: I think the Condi reference by 4tehlulz was concerning Gwen’s cat. Then again, I could be mistaken.
sarahconnor:
I need rules for this one! I don’t even know where to start, there’s too much material. And I value my liver.
She obviously slipped on a puddle of lube as she was donning her strap-on as part of some informal debate prep, between just her and Sarah. Because sisters have to look out for each other.
If it turns out a moose caused this, it could be a huge plus for Palin.
Gwen is very lucky. Very few people get charged by a rampaging moose and survive.
Wing Nut Alert.
Drudge linked to a story about a bar owner in Chi-Town that painted a nude of The Disaster From Alaska that he hung on the wall in his place that’s got the mouth-breathers all in a tizzy, partly because he used his daughter as the model.
Much hilarity in the comments:
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/chi-talk-naked-sarahsep30,0,4944201.story
Joe Bob Briggs sez ‘Check It Out’.
loquaciousmusic: Snapzizzle!
thesycophant: damn, they got mah goat, bless their hearts… wundered whar she wundered off to… she’z a virgin, too, i was savin her up fer somethin speshil, like one a-them bible spicey witchin thangies…
And these people expect us to trust our precious Vice-Presidential Debate with this drunk?!
She and Condi were boot shopping at Ferragamo for a kind of girl’s day out, when one thing led to another, Gwen wanted Condi’s opinion on an especially provocative bustierre, when all of a sudden Condi cracked her full on the ankle with a short length of iron pipe, before jumping into a waiting limo where she could just be seen accepting a large briefcase stuffed with cash before the driver shut the rear passenger door.
thatonegirlsays: VP drinking game rules.
Gwen will she be back on her feet?
Sorry, that pun was truely Ifill.
Thankyouverymuch. Don’t forget to tip your waitress.
Jesse Ventura is already on the case of the Debate-Host-Falling conspiracy theory.
tunamelt: Hahaha… That’s awesome! Only trouble is, I’m going to have to get in a supply of Coors, unimpregnated 16-year-olds, and phone numbers of freshmen.
tunamelt: Once again, Tunamelt, GREAT layout of the rules! What would we do without you? Thanks!
Can I just vote for Ms Ifill instead?
shortsshortsshorts: Bonus points if they can find a guy named Hussein Hussein to pull the trigger.
And stage it so it happens in the kitchen of, oh, maybe a pizza joint in Philly?
And have him wearing an Obama T-shirt.
BREAKING NEWS: John McCain has just suspended his campaign in order to help authorities determine what, exactly, caused Gwen Iffil to fall down her staircase. He is in Iffel’s house as we speak with his CSI Starter’s Kit by Hasbro® dusting for fingerprints and setting up laser bullet trajectories.
I DON’T wanna see her “Gwennabes”.
We’re told Ifill had been walking up a staircase, carrying research related to her moderating duties at Thursday’s Vice Presidential debate in St. Louis, when she took a wrong step.
Happy Birthday, Gwen! I personally think she tied one on to celebrate her Bday, but also drown her sorrows in having to pose questions to Female Quayle. Last night must have been a stanky-ass drunk night for her..
In what respect, Gwen?
Tommy Says Soooo: Gwen had it first!
ProfessorJukes: y’know, since I am gay, I’m not exactly afraid of being outed. The hockey stick — sounds like a loving butch marriage to me.
Let’s see…renegade journalist…not afraid to speak truth to power…I smell the hand of Putin!
Ewwww.nurple: Nicely done, sir. You’ve not lost your acid wit.
Nikolai Vsevolodovich Stavrogin:
And how! You think we’ll get a gratuitous McCain/Palin pool humpin’?
magic titty: umm, i highly doubt some GOP staffer jizzed on her steps. A) she’s not a man…as far as I know, B) according to the bible (page 202) spilling your seed is a sin
Well since she’s clearly unavailable, I suggest a neutral moderator. Putin has to opt out since he’s neighbors with Snowbilly, I guess only Newt is left.
Seriously, I’d love to see Tony Blair or even better some take-no-shit British journalist run one of these debates. Moosilini would jump off the ledge and Biden would only break into tears (therefore Biden wins). It’s a shame the US only produces ‘communications majors’ now
Bitchin:
I’ve so missed you all. The terms of my release require me to be here every day, yay.
The note was clearly written by Palin. It was clearly signed by Tucker Bounds.
Gwen will do the entire debate with her injured foot right on top of the desk, in a big Frye boot. Bonus, it pisses of the Middle-East fundies.
Lascauxcaveman: BOO YA. Barry would surely have it in the bag. Especially if the shooters name was “Barack Obama.”
Imus says she fell why vacuuming.
i heard that gwen was on her cell phone objecting to the rule against follow-up questions at the precise time of her “accident”
nurple: Panties, or non?
Gwen was reading the transcript from Palin’s Katie Couric interview, and was so stunned by Palin’s stupidity that she tripped and fell.
Please, watch the racism/sexism, when you talk about Gwen. She is a brilliant and ethical reporter. No need to trash black women just because you’ve never met any in real life before.
shortsshortsshorts: I was making a Sirhan Sirhan joke there, but you aren’t old then, are you? Restaurant kitchen? Same first and last name?
Bobby Kennedy died in vain, it seems. Ah well, the guy in the Obama shirt knows what I’m talking about.
My friends, Sarah had a mild nervous breakdown but Gwen is okay. Let us focus on Palin’s nervous breakdown before we build conspiracy theories. I have scoopage at Mojopost about Palin losing her shit.
http://mojopo.blogspot.com/2008/10/palin-preparing-for-thursday-debate.html
So, it’s three a.m. and the phone rings in Gwen Ifill’s house. It’s a WAPO reporter looking for background on the breaking story — nuclear war launched from Alaska. Hils and Obama are asleep and not returning calls. McCain has been asleep for two days, which has made his public appearances more memorable than deniable.
So, as Gwen walks down the staircase with the phone to her ear, she sees a cross burning on her lawn. Rushing down in surprise, she misses a step, falls, and breaks her ankle. She is very relieved to know that she was not attacked by Unitarians. They would have burned a question mark.
Never fear. Gwen will pop a couple of aspirin, put on a mildly annoyed expression, and kick some vice-presidential ass.
bhosp: Blingee is SOOO last week.