PBS anchor Gwen Ifill, who will host Thursday’s debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin, purportedly broke her ankle “after tripping and falling down stairs at her home last night.” Oh well what a timely “accident,” and what a likely “story,” which sounds nothing like “intimidation.” CAN SOMEONE then, maybe, explain the letter found next to Ifill’s ruined body that read “no forrin polisy gotcha quesschins,” written in virgin goat blood and signed by “Thteve Thchmidt”? [TV Newser]

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  1. I love Gwen! Gwen will rise to the occasion and slather them with ironic good humor! Gwen needs her own CHANNEL. Gwen will TRIUMPH!

    (Did that sound too gay? Too much like a Judy moment?)

  2. Actually Sarah P. hired Tonya Harding to do the dirty work, as she is experienced at that sorta thing, and cutie pie isn’t — at anything, apparently…..

  3. At this point I’m afraid “What’s your favorite color” is gonna be called out as a gotcha by the McCain folks. Not that Ifill should be intimidated — if McCain’s thugs can’t even push a research-laden newslady down the stairs properly, nobody’s gonna be afraid of them.

  4. In what appears to be a “total coincidence,” Jeff Gillooly was spotted nearby with a hammer, some dowel rods, and Steve Schmidt’s beeper number written on the back of a napkin from a gay strip bar.

  5. Holy fucking Gillooly! This is bullshit. Which Republican ‘staffer’ broke into Gwen’s condo and jizzed some of the slippery onto the top step?!? I demand answers.

  6. Poor Gwen, like the rest of us this week, she was probably pounding alcohol and was pie-eyed when she “tripped and fell down the stairs”…

  7. Geez, the Repubs can’t even get this thing right?

    It was supposed to be Palin falling down the stairs and breaking various bones so’s to have an excuse to not show up; or at least be ‘off her game.’

  8. Sarah Palin can see her ankles so she is qualified to set Gwen’s broken one. Or maybe WALNUTS! could suspend his campaign to help–by which I mean help amputate Gwen’s leg. Maybe Gwen got a foot massage from one of those over zealous WALNUTS! supporters? The causes and solutions are infinite. Much like Sarah Palin jokes.

  9. Substandard lighting in our stairwells is just one of the challenges we face here at WNET, but with your generous continued support, injury rates continue to drop every year. Our phones will be open throughout the next hour of Nature’s “Hot Squid Lovin'” so you can show your support for quality television at this crucial time. And dropping by next hour, Marty Stouffer will set Gwen’s ankle live with a hickory branch. Will it hurt? Stay tuned!

  10. What they fail to report on was the cause of the fall.

    A PBS source claims it was a caribou’s head [sic] “or maybe a moose or something” that was found on the second floor landing of Ifill’s stairwell.

    Its really hard to tell the difference at this point, there’s no lipstick.

  11. [re=115745]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: I’m probably not the first to think of this, but Sarah’s not going to excuse herself from the ticket she’s dragging down. The campaign is going to have her killed. Huckabee, who is just as nuts but polls quite a bit better, steps in, and voila! McCain wins by a whisker.

    Run, Sarah! Run! I don’t like you, but I also don’t think you should have to die.

  12. GI: “Thank you both for appearing tonight. My first question is to Governor Palin: BITCH! Whyd’joo break my ankle, huh? What the hell is wrong with your skinny white ass? Oh, ah’m gonna come up on that stage an’ stick that microphone where the sun don’t shine. You better answer me now – WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?”

    SP: (stunned, blinking) “Wha’? What? What are you talking about? Where’s John? John? Where are you?”

    GI: “Ha! Gotcha! Just kidding. Seriously, my first question is, what do you perceive as the relationship between current oil prices vis a vis the commodities markets, insofar as the claim that derivatives may be involved in an artificial inflation of energy futures?”

    SP: (long silence) “… Uh … Roe versus … Wade?”

  13. [re=115734]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: I knew somebody already wrote that. Blast!

    “We will release your family members after the debate. Remember, no funny stuff, and NO COPS.”

  14. “Oh no, it’s nothing negative at all. He’s got a lot of experience and just stating the fact there, that we’ve been hearing his speeches for all these years. So he’s got a tremendous amount of experience and, you know, I’m the new energy, the new face, the new ideas and he’s got the experience based on many many years in the Senate and voters are gonna have a choice there of what it is that they want in these next four years.” [americablog]

    I’m a moose. Please just shoot me in the head.

  15. [re=115722]Strappo[/re]: It sounded gay, but not *too* gay. And yes, Gwen rules.

    I’m willing to bet she was tripped by a skillfully wielded hockey stick.

  16. [re=115784]sarahconnor[/re]: Shouldn’t you be takin care of your kid who’s supposed to beat down the robots? If the Palin wins, the computers don’t have to be as smart to take over the world and they’ll do it next year at 2:43pm.

  17. [re=115780]surfacenoise76[/re]: [re=115770]El Topo[/re]: I don’t think it was a lisp being referenced. It was likely a thinly veiled ‘disguised’ name.

  18. “We’re told Ifill had been walking up a staircase, carrying research related to her moderating duties at Thursday’s Vice Presidential debate in St. Louis, when she took a wrong step.”

    According to most actuarial tables, most accidents happen at home just before apocalyptic Vice Presidential debates.

  19. “CAN SOMEONE then, maybe, explain the letter found next to Ifill’s ruined body that read “no forrin polisy gotcha quesschins,” written in virgin goat blood and signed by “Thteve Thchmidt”?”

    I like the investigator who walked onto the scene and immediately recognized that not only was it goat blood, it was virgin goat blood.

  20. “In other news, Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin broke her brain last night. Sources said that she had ‘just been using it too much’ lately.”

  21. Is Ifill’s lipstick tattooed on, too? It’s suspiciously shiny. Maybe that’s the gotcha question she was preparing: “honey, can I get the name of your tattooist? Your work is AMAZING.”

  22. She obviously slipped on a puddle of lube as she was donning her strap-on as part of some informal debate prep, between just her and Sarah. Because sisters have to look out for each other.

  23. [re=115796]thesycophant[/re]: damn, they got mah goat, bless their hearts… wundered whar she wundered off to… she’z a virgin, too, i was savin her up fer somethin speshil, like one a-them bible spicey witchin thangies…

  24. She and Condi were boot shopping at Ferragamo for a kind of girl’s day out, when one thing led to another, Gwen wanted Condi’s opinion on an especially provocative bustierre, when all of a sudden Condi cracked her full on the ankle with a short length of iron pipe, before jumping into a waiting limo where she could just be seen accepting a large briefcase stuffed with cash before the driver shut the rear passenger door.

  25. [re=115830]tunamelt[/re]: Hahaha… That’s awesome! Only trouble is, I’m going to have to get in a supply of Coors, unimpregnated 16-year-olds, and phone numbers of freshmen.

  26. [re=115774]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Bonus points if they can find a guy named Hussein Hussein to pull the trigger.

    And stage it so it happens in the kitchen of, oh, maybe a pizza joint in Philly?

    And have him wearing an Obama T-shirt.

  27. BREAKING NEWS: John McCain has just suspended his campaign in order to help authorities determine what, exactly, caused Gwen Iffil to fall down her staircase. He is in Iffel’s house as we speak with his CSI Starter’s Kit by Hasbro® dusting for fingerprints and setting up laser bullet trajectories.

  28. We’re told Ifill had been walking up a staircase, carrying research related to her moderating duties at Thursday’s Vice Presidential debate in St. Louis, when she took a wrong step.

    Happy Birthday, Gwen! I personally think she tied one on to celebrate her Bday, but also drown her sorrows in having to pose questions to Female Quayle. Last night must have been a stanky-ass drunk night for her..

  29. [re=115785]ProfessorJukes[/re]: y’know, since I am gay, I’m not exactly afraid of being outed. The hockey stick — sounds like a loving butch marriage to me.

  30. Let’s see…renegade journalist…not afraid to speak truth to power…I smell the hand of Putin!

    Ewwww.[re=115748]nurple[/re]: Nicely done, sir. You’ve not lost your acid wit.

  31. [re=115730]magic titty[/re]: umm, i highly doubt some GOP staffer jizzed on her steps. A) she’s not a man…as far as I know, B) according to the bible (page 202) spilling your seed is a sin

  32. Well since she’s clearly unavailable, I suggest a neutral moderator. Putin has to opt out since he’s neighbors with Snowbilly, I guess only Newt is left.

    Seriously, I’d love to see Tony Blair or even better some take-no-shit British journalist run one of these debates. Moosilini would jump off the ledge and Biden would only break into tears (therefore Biden wins). It’s a shame the US only produces ‘communications majors’ now

  33. Gwen was reading the transcript from Palin’s Katie Couric interview, and was so stunned by Palin’s stupidity that she tripped and fell.

    Please, watch the racism/sexism, when you talk about Gwen. She is a brilliant and ethical reporter. No need to trash black women just because you’ve never met any in real life before.

  34. [re=116091]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I was making a Sirhan Sirhan joke there, but you aren’t old then, are you? Restaurant kitchen? Same first and last name?

    Bobby Kennedy died in vain, it seems. Ah well, the guy in the Obama shirt knows what I’m talking about.

  35. So, it’s three a.m. and the phone rings in Gwen Ifill’s house. It’s a WAPO reporter looking for background on the breaking story — nuclear war launched from Alaska. Hils and Obama are asleep and not returning calls. McCain has been asleep for two days, which has made his public appearances more memorable than deniable.

    So, as Gwen walks down the staircase with the phone to her ear, she sees a cross burning on her lawn. Rushing down in surprise, she misses a step, falls, and breaks her ankle. She is very relieved to know that she was not attacked by Unitarians. They would have burned a question mark.

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