Wonkette Canned Soup Index (WCSI) Soars!

  last can standing

Waiter, there's a hobo's severed penis in my soup.You thought we were “joking” when we said invest in canned goods. Also, we never make jokes — who do you people think we are, John McCain? And then Campbell’s shares started to soar, and then the market collapsed in the biggest pool of blood since 1987, and guess who was left standing? Bloomberg reports: “The Standard & Poor’s 500 Index fell 8.4 percent, the most since Oct. 26, 1987, as only Campbell Soup Co. gained.” [Bloomberg]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Hola wonkerados.

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95 comments

  1. El Bombastico

    I also look forward to the reemergence of sterno (or “squeeze” as the tramps colloquially call it). With a dash of cinnamon, you can barely taste the poison.

  2. Serolf Divad

    Holy crap, McDonalds and Wallmart stock both closed lower for the day! The market is saying that Americans aren’t going to be able to eat at the cheapest dog-meat restaurant on earth or shop at the cheapest importer of Chinese slave-prison-labor known to man.

    We are sooooooooooo fucked right now!!!!!

  3. Lumberjack

    Canned food is so yesterday. The new hobo is eating what is left of his bird-flu survival kit consisting of Reagan-era state supplied cheese, waterlogged MREs from a Kansas National guard unit sent the Gulf after Katrina, and pallet of kidney-wrecking Chinese milk products.

  4. Serolf Divad

    [re=114312]Lumberjack[/re]:

    I’ll be surviving by licking the glue off of all the duct tape that I bought back when Tom Ridge was telling us how to save ourselves from Saddam Hussein’s awful Weapons of Mass Destruction by duct taping our windows shut.

  5. NewAlgier

    Hormel is flat, too. Off 13 cents. I’d load up. Both the stock and the product. Then you can sell off bits of Hormel stock to buy spam to eat. The geniuses that got us into this mess call it, “hedging.”

  6. bearbait

    All grasses are edible, but grass won’t sustain you by itself. Any fungus that grows on a tree is safe to eat. Grubs are pure protein and can be found under almost any rotting log. Think of them as “dirt shrimp” and they’re not so bad. Boil them in water with the grass and fungus for a nice soup. Use the bowl you just made out of tree bark for that homey touch!

    Martha Stewart-2009 Christmas Book

  7. Cogito Ergo Bibo

    Ramen noodles. If they were good enough for grad school, they’re good enough for the apocalypse.

  8. Serolf Divad

    [re=114321]Larry Fine[/re]:

    Remember in “The Road Warrior” when Mel Gibson ate that can of dog food?

  9. problemwithcaring

    [re=114308]Serolf Divad[/re]: McDonalds borrows lots of money to open franchises – constantly – they need a steady stream of loans to fund expansion and maintain their inflated stock value.

    Otherwise, just like all American assets, people will start to realize it’s mostly just “ass.”

  10. Words

    So, Ken, are you selling stock predictions now? Make a little extra on the side? I can’t buy anything right now–I’m in line trying to buy gas, if I can afford it..

  11. Dientes

    We should use all of our credit while it still works. Thanks for the 19% interest rate, assholes. Let’s see you try to make me pay it back after the credit market/whole economy fails. I’m going out and buying everything I ever wanted and a fall out shelter/backwoods bunker complete with multiple man-sized safes so no one can take my precious precious things from me.

  12. slappypaddy

    wonkette, a shout out to youse, way to call ‘em! wanna manage my SEP/IRA? i’m changin its name to septic ire…

  13. Keram2

    Tomorrow’s 2-Deck headline: Campbell’s Soup to Buy Bank of America, Chicken Stock Futures Up in Early Morning Trading

  14. Borat

    How elitest. If that were real Hobo soup the hobo would have that little hankercheif with his belongings attached to a stick.

  15. WadISay

    Campbell’s stock was up on the announcement that the product would be re-named Campbell Gruel and sole by the ha’penny.

  16. Serolf Divad

    [re=114347]problemwithcaring[/re]:

    Please, sir, I would ask you not to inject market analysis and rationality into what is an otherwise fine and dandy end-of-the-world, navel-gazing, hysterical, pity-party. You will tamp down my desire to drink heavily this evening.

  17. Cogito Ergo Bibo

    [re=114365]PrairiePossum[/re]: Brunswick stew, as originally created, used both squirrel and rabbit, IIRC.

  18. bitchincamaro

    My wife packed three survival backpacks containing dried foods, nuts, a $ 100 dollar bill (in each), right after the first 9/11. I figure we can still eat the goodies and burn the bills for warmth. Got a light, pal?

  19. anabellum

    its a little known fact…. but if you let a can of Campbells Chicken soup ferment for a few days….maybe add a touch of catsup…then gently boil the mixture down, passing the vapor through an old car radiator to promote condensation … youll end up with about half an ounce of something resembling drinkable alcohol…

    just my little survival tip of the day…

  20. Lumberjack

    [re=114365]PrairiePossum[/re]: Squirrel is pretty tasty stuff. And fun for the whole family to catch! Watch the little ones wrassle them to the ground. And once they cna get squirrel-wrasslin down, they are ready for the Kurgen-style dog pit where they fight the dogs for the squirrel carcass!

    This crisis will make America strong again!

  21. Words

    OOh, ooh, good idea for new best-seller!!! “The Yellow Line Cookbook” – featuring easy-to-fix meals with ready-to-use, free ingredient(s)!! Wonder if Southern Living would be interested?

  22. Cogito Ergo Bibo

    Grampy is whining about how baaaad the bill was on the teevee right now. How he had better ideas. FUCK. He said “earmarks” again. He’s saying he wished the bill had passed, though, to avert the credit crisis.

    That’s how you know what side it’s more popular to be on, today. He’s disagreeing with the House Republitards. “Oh, and you’re ALL partisan poopyheads. Get back to work!”

  23. problemwithcaring

    [re=114376]Serolf Divad[/re]: I am a woman, you sexist twit. Outside of that – agreed. And my apologies….BUY Gold!

  24. JeffGoldblum

    People, people, stop all your worrying. I’ve just found our solution. Finally, the commenter brain-trust over at Infowars.com has given us the guidance we need. I can’t believe we couldn’t think of this ourselves. HERE is what we’ve got to do:

    “Well this must be it right? This is the part where we who see should act, right? OK. What do we do? First determine how you think “things should be.” Then, if you are a renter, pack up your stuff in storage, put in your 30 days, buy 1 months foodstuffs, quit your job. If you are an a owner-to-be (haven’t paid final yet), do the same, but coordinate your response with neighbors who are in same category (haven’t bought property yet). If you own, you will need to coordinate security too. Then we all stop showing up to work. Don’t buy anything for a whole month. Attend picnics, pot-lucks, but DON’T BUY ANYTHING. Unless you do it by barter or your own invented and agreed upon scrip. These bankers intend to own us, so we must starve them out first, while we can. We do this for a month, and maybe we will accomplish a Gandhi and we can refit our nation for the next millennium.

    Assuming the planet doesn’t suffer from some internal imbalance that impairs it’s EM field which coincides with a time when our part of the galaxy will be passing through another galactic-sized body of highly charged particles which fries everything on the surface, this should succeed!”

    Crisis solved, dummies.

  25. Ecstatically Jaded

    What about the clothes? I never learned to spin thread or card wool! I will have to club men in suits and wear their hides for protection from the west nile mosquito!

  26. anabellum

    [re=114397]Words[/re]: given the popularity of cajun dishes, i’ll gladly contribute an old family recipe for ‘wa wa roo’…its whole baked Louisiana toad….

  27. Mara47

    Those who don’t study history are doomed to reinvent it. Let’s dip back into the Collective Consciousness for some tips to surviving the Current Crisis.

    Back during the Great Depression (the big one), my mama and her widowed, skill-less young mom used to hit the Automat and put hot water in the ketchup for lunch soup. Sometimes, they’d get crackers off somebody else’s tray to go with.

    She used to line her shoes with cardboard in winter. Warmer on the sidewalk and soles last longer. Newspaper folded up under your coat in front makes a good insulator if your coat’s a little threadbare. Or sold.

    The goyim should make friends with kosher grocery-store owners. At the end of the day, you can get a good deal on any chickens that haven’t sold yet. It helps if you’re a really cute little girl and know all the lyrics to the latest Irving Berlin tunes and think that Frank Sinatra fellow is just a no-talent Hoboken bum.

    If your landlady’s husband is a truck driver for Dutch Shultz, offer to take their cash to the bank in a satchel, in exchange for wearing her nice fur coat to the bank and maybe stop for coffee somewhere on the way back, so people think it’s really your coat and maybe you’ll catch yourself a rich man. Stand up straight and wipe off that floozy lipstick. (This one is a little tricky to tool up for today. Just use your imagination.)

    If you wear trousers like Katie Hepburn, it’s okay if your stockings have runs, or are made of cotton.

    Blackberries make nice rouge and lipstick, especially if you rub a little Vaseline in. Most green grocers won’t mind if you take just one, especially after they start to get moldy.

    Velvet Black Maybelline eyebrow pencil makes a good fake seam up the back of your bare legs when you don’t have nylons to wear dancing.

    Red Jap-a-Lac enamel paint makes pretty good nail polish. Remove with turpentine at the hardware store — they usually have an open one behind the counter for cleanups. Make friends with the clerk. You’ll need lard or chicken fat pretty soon afterward for the dryness, so get some first. (See above under Kosher Grocer.) Save the Vaseline for Baby.

    I could go on and on. Mom did.

  28. Dientes

    If Bush is the next Hoover, is Obama(assuming he gets elected) the next FDR? Walnuts! might have a greater probability of being in a wheel chair like FDR, but Barry is just so hopey.

  29. Words

    [re=114419]anabellum[/re]:

    Excellent! I’m also considering armandillo, your local snakes, racoon, etc. Any suggestions?

  30. nurple

    Mara:

    Awesome.

    If you live near the ocean, shellfish below the tideline are public property. Also, seaweed can be gathered and sold as fertilizer. And of course, down South, fruit cannery chutes!

  31. Borat

    I don’t know how it did today, but in the long term, I would take a bet on cheap american beer. Cindi, bless your hear, you did! Glad to hear someone had this thing figured out from the start

  32. Borat

    I just checked – good news. Porn is still easy to find on the intertubes. I hope we just have enough electricity to keep those tubes juicy

  33. professor.cj

    [re=114365]PrairiePossum[/re]: They do not have a recipe for it online, but at the Possum Hollow Country Fair, http://www.possumhollowfair.com/ they serve Possum Stew. It’s basically vegetable stew with lots of ketchup and possum in it. Thought you might want to know.

  34. nurple

    Borat:

    Distilled spirits trade groups say sales are steady, although economy brands strong and premium brands weak. Yukon Jack is giving Johnny Walker the finger!

  35. Borat

    Walnuts needs to head to DC and pass a beer-tax exemption bill. But, knowing him, he’ll probably end up getting rid of the 5cent deposit on beer bottles, the way I’m planning on making a living for the next 5 years. He’s denying me my god-given hobo income, curse you Cindi

  36. Borat

    [re=114508]nurple[/re]: Thanks for the investment advice. I’m going to have to pick up cheap, greasy duty-free scotch in muzzie land next week. Do you think Marlboro Reds are also the way to go? I’m thinking the old Russia days when one Marlboro could get you laid. All night. And the men would be through in as icing on the cake

  37. Mary's Neck

    I am not kidding, as I was reading this I was eating a bowl of Campbell’s Cream of Potato Soup with store brand
    oyster crackers.
    That was just the appetizer though…the main course is grilled cheese sammies.

  38. thesycophant

    [re=114375]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: Yeah, my Matheson predictably voted against, too. Oh, wait, he’s actually a Democrat. I always forget.

  39. El Bombastico

    [re=114521]Lance Uppercut[/re]: But only if they’re full. The new America will be kinky like that.

  40. WIDTAP

    Dammit Ken! Given your control over the market you need to stop jerking us around and give us another nice, pretty bubble to chase. You and the other financial overlords need to remember: with grat power comes greta responsibility.

  41. windupbird

    In school, we used to make “college spaghetti”: pasta and peanut butter. That might be what we’re having for Thanksgiving this year.

  42. Mr. Spanky

    Hey! Here in Florida, you have to get around the game wardens who have their Nazi “slot limits”. If I catch an out-of-slot redfish -that sucker gets put in a plastic bag with ice and thrown into the mangroves until I can sneak it home for my dinner.

    Mullet in the cast net? That’s what’s for dinner!

    Crabs caught from the “no crabs zone”? Yummy!

    Gator sunning on the bank of a retention pond? Dinner!

    The NEW DEPRESSION may be coming – but I have a plan to keep eating!

  43. smellyal8r

    Please, please people…it’s time to invest in tulip bulbs. We can send Hank Paulson over to the Blomenmarket in Amsterdam and have him load up. We’ll create a grand (and beautiful) tulip market that will ensure that our Gilded Age will finally dawn…what? It did? When? Oh, I see. Please pass the canned goods and I’ll bring the candles…

  44. nurple

    …and we can’t even sell our pop culture abroad anymore. With anime and techno music and Spanish movies, we’re a probly net importer of even THAT. Soon we’ll be swapping sexual favors and treasured heirlooms for a used pair of shiny Italian soccer shorts.

  45. heathenish

    Keram2 love your headlines!!

    now i can eat imaginary soup from my imaginary sweetjesusihatebillo’rielly mug! yeah

  46. Words

    [re=114635]Mr. Spanky[/re]:

    Um, is nurple (above) in the truth zone? Long Live Skank!!

    Sorry, but one of my favs (and nurple–yeesh, the book “Strip Tease” is so artistically beyond that stupid movie’s reach— poor Mr. Hiaassen is a victim here) —– the one @ the blue tongued voles (“Native Tongues”) — I want me one of those Mickey doing Minnie tatooes!!! Yawhoo! And anyone who hates Geraldo should read “Skin Tight.” ’nuff said.

    To the uninitiated: see “Tourist Season”, and damn, what was one the one @ the bass boat and the lure– oh! yes! ” Double Whammy” — are must-reads.

    Hate to hawk books unsolicited, and god knows I’m not getting paid here as a critic or an editor (which I was in better times–pun not intended as Time, Inc. bought our tiny Southern company out, and most of us now Retired, i.e., in unemployment, sigh) … but… any of you snarky folks who would enjoy fiction would byGod enjoy Mr. H.’s works……

  47. Cranky Little Camperette

    [re=114339]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: Um, you priced ramen lately?

    I’m just stockpiling booze.

  48. Saturnin

    Boy am I glad that I kept all of those cans I found in the nuke shelter in high school in 1988. Them cans are good until 2015. You guys can have the peas and carrots combo for free.

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