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CANNED GOODS STOCKS SOAR: See, it went like this: Wonkette told people to buy canned goods, and the markets immediately reacted. Wonkette stock lady operative “Nicole” writes, “Just noticed that Campbell Soup Co. is currently the # 2 ‘Top Mover’ stock.” Capitalism!
3:11 PM
on Mon September 29 2008
By
Jim Newell
1836 Views
Wonkette
United Applecart is on the way up, too.
I wonder if I can get a star role in the next Bumfights.
Stocks of canned goods, bindles or sterno won’t help you now. Forgive me, I posted this earlier but the thread seems to have withered:
When Argentina fell into the abyss about 6 years ago, virtually the entire economy reverted to a barter system. Dentists were fixing their plumbers’ teeth to get their pipes fixed, taxi drivers giving rides to butchers for meat and psychoanalysts were getting paid in designer dresses. Honest to jeebus.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/1977804.stm
If credit vanishes and banks follow, do you really think this couldn’t happen to some degree here? Ken, Jim, Sara…hope your green grocer likes snark…alot.
See also stocks for gun manufacturers, electric generator makers, water desalinators, and sex toys.
I’m not worried though, I’ve already prepared my bindle.
Kraft has to be up, too.
Mac and cheese. Lots of mac and cheese in my future.
How’s Smith & Wessen?
Amalgamated String is hitting new record highs.
mm, mm, good!
Novelty barrels with suspenders are the new fall look.
Campbell Soup? Nasty. If the ships sinking I want Progresso.
My money is in American Federated Banjo.
The Dow Jones … is unhappy. I blame Barney Frank’s sense of humor.
http://finance.yahoo.com/q?s=^DJI
user-of-owls:
Not a good scenario for us, considering that probably 90% of U.S. Americans just push paper around all day and couldn’t make jack shit with our hands!
I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m buying all the shares of America Onion Producers, Inc. I can get my hands on. That onion-tied-to-the-belt look is coming back soon!
Every single bank stock in North America is getting massacred today. For guys like me who work for a bank, that’s not good, since the first thing they do when they start the layoffs is gonna be look into the employee internet usage logs and see who’s wasted the most time on Wonkette
I’m beginning to feel a little better about my position in Smith and Wesson.
Not kidding.
Wookies -
“A world without string is chaos.”
- Leo Muntz
SayItWithWookies:
You got moxie, I tell ya. A real whippersnapper.
I presume I’m being a terrorist if I stock up on unAmerican Ramen noodles, right? Not that I’ll care, as I cook them with dirty water scooped from a puddle outside my cardboard box.
Back when I was in college I remember postulating that a man could, not only survive, but better himself on $20.00 a week. The idea was you bought 14 cans of baked beans and a book with the money.
Looks like I’m going to have a chance to test my theory now.
user-of-owls: Oh Ken, Jim and Sara will be fine. Someone will want them on staff, seated next to those in power.
It’s just that Ken can’t stand having to wear those match hat and shoes with the points and the jingly bells.
NoWireHangers: Not enough sodium. Don’t you see those ads on the TeeVees?
…are canned goods FDIC insured?
Smith & Wesson is also up:
http://finance.yahoo.com/q?s=SWHC
Jesus, I never thought I’d see the day when the guns & canned goods cliche became reality. Congratulations, Hank Paulson!
Jefferson County just had it annual fair of mountain crafts and such. Hope you all went out to learn those smithy and canning skills.
Jim’s in the tank for Big Soup
I can’t weight to tell my kids about this 20 years down the road. People were all sorts of freaked out we bought tons of soup stock. And thats why daddy has four cars and this beautiful house. See kids there are gods and clods…
Some hedge-fund sharpie probably bought up the publication rights the Foxfire Books last year.
Crap. Dow is down 636. On CNN they are saying we’re in the top 10 EVER percentage drops.
AND they’re saying that this isn’t even the worst part. The lack of credit is even MORE serious. No payroll ability. People will lost jobs. Egad.
Serolf Divad: I had a similar diet in the mid 1980’s. Mine consisted of store brand macaroni & cheese and a library card.
On this day, the United States congress, a group of lazy, old white men elected for their nice hair and love of Jesus, well and truly destroyed the entire Earth.
Cogito Ergo Bibo: You should have bought a mule. I’ll be in Dusi Basin prayin’ for ya.
>>And thats why daddy has four cars and this beautiful house.
And a moat with genetically engineered piranhas and crocodiles to keep the rest of us from taking your soup.
Don’t know what it it….suddenly have a taste for Spam and good ole homemade Corn Likker.
(Hot Corn, Cold Corn, bring along the demi-john. Yessir!)
mattbolt: Call it market research!
Also, in before Paultards
shortsshortsshorts: Are mules tasty? Aww, who cares. I won’t be in a position to be picky, anyway. I’ll probably end up in some alley eating rats, like Angel did on “Buffy.”
This kind of makes Andy Warhol look like Nostradamus.
If we invest in Ramen noodles, do those Orientals get richer?
I for one am glad I didn’t shave my back this summer as the extra insulation will help with the heating bill. Plus I can shave it and paste it to my kids face for an inexpensive Halloween mustache.
You haven’t hit the skids unless you’ve lived on beef bullion the last 10 days of each month…..that and 25cent beer on Wednesday nights is what got me through grad school
Crap, now I’m wishing we hadn’t sold off our ConAgra stocks. Food–the new currency.
By the way, the entire world (seriously, search for ticker “VT”) is down about 11% today.
4tehlulz: The hell would a Paultard have to say here? Let the free market handle it? We’re pretty much trying that now, and hey let’s flip open tomorrow’s paper and read the huge 40-point font front page headline to see how that works out.
OMG. They’re talking about whether or not credit cards will work in a few days, on CNN.
We do know this is an elaborate ruse to make everyone forget Sarah Palin is a fucking twerp, yes? Guaranteed this bill passes (as is) at, say…736p Thursday.
jagorev: “Those backwards people, clinging to their soup cans and guns.”
Man, I tell ya, those Mormons and their whole bit about keeping 2 years of food on hand is sure looking pretty fuckin smart right about now…. Damned my mother for coming to realize that that racist religion was crap and leaving the church at 15!! I’d have a shitload of canned and dry goods to live on!
Serolf Divad: Your scheme allows one to produce enough gas to heat one’s home as well.
So… if the entire financial system disappears, can I stop payments on my student loan?
Now I can bore my grandkids to tears with tales of how I survived the Depression, just like my Grandaddy did to me. Yay!
Cogito Ergo Bibo: No matter to me.. mine are already maxed out… now if the banks that own them collapse, I could be on easy street! See, not all of the news is bad today!
NoWireHangers: with a side salad of arugula, no doubt.
4tehlulz: TEH MARKET! TEH FED! TEH DOLLARZ! TEH BILDERBERGS/ROTHCHILDS/ALIENS/CFR/MITT ROMNEY’S HAIR ARE USING TEH MARKET COLLAPSE 2 INJECT SOUPZ WITH MIND CONTROL SERUMZ! Police state! Buy gold!
But in all seriousness, Paul and the Austrians did predict this. Just sayin’
And f’ you guys, I’m fleeing the country to make a log cabin in the Canadian woods. Nothin but beans, flannel, my rifle, and a giant expansive library of human knowledge to wait our armageddon and rebuild society…or just porn.
I’m looking at the Dow on the NY Times website and it looks like -722 was the bottom. It has rebounded to -604 as of 3:42.
btw, everything to me has started to look black and white since about an hour ago, 2:32 EST…I think that means the depression has officially begun
Cogito Ergo Bibo: That’s the beauty of ramen noodles. You don’t even have to cook them. You can just dip them in a little malt liquor, sprinkle on the seasoning, and dinner is ready! Or spit on the block if you can’t afford malt liquor.
MMMMM white flour oil and salt. Next step: eating dirt patties
mattbolt: Fuck that. It’s just paper. If all of us decide to keep our homes, we’re keeping them.
I don’t know…. The whole Hobo prospect seems vaguely like a Steinbeck novel. Cannery Row was a pretty funny book. I for one will enjoy drinking left over Martinis and eating giant, communal bowls of stew.
magic titty: I’m beginning to think of the Veep debate as some kind of bread and circus affair now.
Cogito Ergo Bibo: Oh shit seriously? TIME TO MAX OUT BABY!!
Today, we are all Cleti..
WWJGD: Do you suppose they used lard for lubricant during the depression? I think my girl might have some trouble getting turned on if we’re screwing in our shanty town erected in the Seattle Center.
WWJGD: Anyone who was paying attention was predicting this, or was paid to cover it up.
Every talking head on CNBC should kill themselves live on the air.
azw88: Normally, I’d agree on that, but if people can’t buy stuff? Hello, depression. This is really, really bad.
They’re now talking about whether the Senate couldn’t just pass the bailout, to pressure the GOP to change their votes in the House. Seems they could and in fact might do that. Meanwhile, Dow down 639.
…and frankly, Cambells is a NAME BRAND. The only soup that’s gonna thrive is the store-brand, or rather just broth with a bunch of carrots and potatoes cut into it.
BTW - dried lentils (Goya 99 cent a pound at your bodega, Jack Rabbit 79 cent) are the quickest cooking dry beans, saving you cooking gas. Also have a nice peppery flavour. Chickpeas and red beans can take HOURS to cook, lentils take 15 minutes. Also, you can turn them off a little early and they still cook. Larger beans soak overnight in fridge and wash before boilin’.
I wish I could buy stock in “Wonkette says something and then it happens.” Because then I’d be richer than everyone.
dano:
I’m looking at the Dow on the NY Times website and it looks like -722 was the bottom. It has rebounded to -604 as of 3:42.
Everybody now: “Happy days are here again, happy days are here are here again….!”
http://www.legistorm.com/score_houseticker.html#14750
H.R. 3997:
to amend the Internal Revenue Code of 1986 to provide earnings assistance and tax relief to members of the uniformed services, volunteer firefighters, and Peace Corps volunteers, and for other purposes
The House resumed debate on the motion to agree to the Senate amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment with an amendment to H.R. 3997.
I like how the bill opens up with no mention of the 700B price tag or the word bailout or homeowners or fuck you fat catz
In teh 80s, there was a young hippy who cooked for the homeless on Avenue C in Manhattan. He had a big 10-gallon pot and it smelled great, and I was so impressed by his economies of scale I gave him 5 bucks. He took it, made good eye contact and said “Thanks, man, that helps a lot.”
Later he was arrested for killing his girlfriend, cooking her, and serving her to the homeless in that very spot.
I would invest in some soup if I hadn’t already lost everything following Wonkette tips in the past, investing heavily in Trucknutz, Inc, and Walnuts futures.
mattbolt: The Paultard Reader/Manifesto/Little Book clearly states that the Fed’s interest rate manipulation and monetary policies created the housing bubble and a combination. The von Mises Institute (Paul’s economic brethren) has put out some good info.
What caused it?
http://mises.org/story/3111
Handy Bailout Reader!
http://mises.org/story/3128
Agree/disagree with what they say, this is what they think. I’m a “Paultard” but one of the very rare not-fucking-insane ones.
tv shows are still clogged with commercials. the ad agencies seem to be reaallllly ok. i prefer commercial free tv programming with my roadkill.
i haven’t seen any homeless or hungry people all day and i’ve been up and down georgia avenue today. credit card is good. checking account is good. credit union is good. is this a rerun of orson welles martian invasion radio program.
Kev-O-Tron: Exactly. And they’re going to let Palin get away with answering “we’ll have to see what the market does once the volatility settles…we have to reserve judgement…I can see Russia…etc” on all financial questions.
I’m depressed about this turn of events.
Dow rebounding to 570. Based on what? Dunno. This is just nuts.
dano: At one point I refreshed my market summary and it was at -666. So that was an encouraging sign.
Now we can become another verse in a shitty (is there any other type?) Billy Joel song…we didn’t start the fire.
If canned goods grew on trees, there’d be no shade!
druranium: Next step: eating dirt patties
Someone already beat you to it:
“Poor Haitians Resort to Eating Dirt”
http://abcnews.go.com/Health/WireStory?id=4212012
Native America is amused.
Cheer up! The rich kid brats of the fat Wall Street people likley hate their parents FAR more than your kids hate you.
user-of-owls: Sweet green jizm!
And to think ’shit sandwich’ was previously used only in the proverbial sense…
Closing bell: down 589 or possibly 595. CNN not sure.
Well, at least oil is down to $95 a barrel. That’s something…isn’t it?
Sussemilch: love it!
they stockin up on frozen meat in maryland… doan follow the link if you bruise easily…
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7642774.stm
Cogito Ergo Bibo: Is that why I can’t access Bank of America online? Seriously…
The shitstorm on cable news tonight is going to be fun.
Your bank is tanking and needs cash to stay in business, so you will be receiving a demand to pay off your credit card immediately. It was in the small print, Section III (d), Part 4, Article Seven of that contract you signed. By the way, they want that car loan and the mortgage, too.
Buy stock in makers of screw-top wines like Night Train and Cisco (aka “Liquid Crack”); a sure bet. Also look into ‘bindle stick’ manufacturers to fatten your 401(k) portfolio. Finally, start collecting hobo art (or just robbing hobos). Remember: once they are pulled out of US T-Bills, all of those Muslim terrorist, Venezuelan and Ruskie petrodollars will be seeking a home in tangible assets. The long-ignored market in “Tramp Art” is about to rocket.
— Milton Friedman
Country First
PS: One last tip - Learn how to speak Venezuelan.
WWJGD:
Problem with these people is they assume the markets are rational. But what we’re seeing is failure due to irrational behavior on the part of corporations (basically, CEOs making bad decisions to milk their corporations for as much bonus money as they could before the institutions failed). And once a bubble economy feeding frenzy mentality takes hold there’s no stopping it. You get your head bit off as a damned Communist naysayer if you tell the sharks that they’re circling a rotting, infected corpse instead of the fresh meat they think they’re swallowing.
I can’t get “Pruno” on Wikipedia.
Lordy, is this the face of a man that only now realizes his administration both sucks and blows?
NoWireHangers: I got into my account on BoA, just fine, right now. Might be a problem on your end.
dano:
That’s awesome. I’m going to eat oil soup from now on!
you buy the soup il buy the stock
Cogito Ergo Bibo: If my Visa card doesn’t work, then dagnabbit I’m not paying my fucking overdue card bill. I will not continue to tolerate, or be insulted by, the shabby service of America’s credit industry! No, sir. No me.
Tallying the final assessment of the Dow as it settles up for the day: 735 points down. Largest drop EVER, according to CNN.
And they’re still saying that this is peanuts compared to the problem of credit drying up. That there needs to be a solution NOW.
Cogito Ergo Bibo: Oops. 635 down I’m pretty sure. Think I typed that wrong. Sure hope so.
Damn. I was right the first time. It’s still settling up and going higher. It’s edging up to near 750.
Too bad nobody invested in can openers. O, the folly of civilized food preservation!
Cogito Ergo Bibo: Thanks. I’m in now, but there must have been some high traffic. Site has been slow the past few days and that’s the only page I’ve had problems with…
Down 770. Holy motherfucker.
Cogito Ergo Bibo: I’m seeing it down 777 on finance.google.com
-777 according to Yahoo. Did Beijing wake up for a little dump at the end? Jesus….
McCain’s in the can
Working on a two
He’s a Panamanian
On a can of peepee soup
Cogito Ergo Bibo: Just be careful those imported instant noodles aren’t made with Chinese Milk. Man, that stuff’ll kill you. I only trust Cuban products these days. Those communists know a thing or two about quality control
So where do the Nadirtards go during the week? Has our socialist overlord Paulson already banned or eaten their flesh? Do they have some kind of rotation schedule where only Saturdays and Sundays are Wonkette days. Those are days of rest dammit! Read about Jeebus before the rapture. God belss america, bless her heart.
Borat:
Oddly, Cuban fud is very cleen. No pesticides, because no foreign exchange. And the seafood apparently abundant.
Cogito Ergo Bibo: It’s called sarcasm
nurple: You should have asked for the recipe……..