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Newt Gingrich is a lying loser who hasn’t been in power for like 10 years. And yet, he still controls everything in the world. In the last week he’s been leading the right-wing rebellion against the bailout — yelling about socialism, ranting about the pushy Democratic leadership, calling for Hank Paulson’s resignation. We get press releases from Newt Gingrich for some reason! And his words struck a chord with right-wing talk radio, which struck a chord with House Republicans trying to keep their seats. Newt made the Republican base furious over this bailout. And now LOOK, right as voting started today, he released a statement saying, “Eh, I’d vote for this bailout.” His minions apparently did not get their overlord’s message.

Here’s the statement from the former House Speaker, who famously cheated on his wife during the Clinton impeachment:

“I have sadly come to two painful conclusions.

“First, the crisis of the credit markets is real and could have horrendous consequences dislocating the world market, causing enormous economic pain, and discrediting free market capitalism for a generation.

“Second, as long as Secretary Paulson is in charge, it is impossible to get a creative or significantly better solution. The House Republicans, reinforced by John McCain, have improved this bill significantly so it is less bad than the original Paulson proposal. However, they cannot improve it more because of Paulson’s intransigence, which is an even greater obstacle to a good bill than the liberal Democrats who run the House and Senate.

“Therefore, while I am discouraged at the final collapse of the Bush Administration, and frustrated by the Democrats’ passion for the taxpayer’s money, I would reluctantly and sadly vote for the bailout were I still in office.

“I understand and sympathize with any member who votes no.

“The bill is not the best proposal for solving the crisis. It is not even a good proposal for solving the crisis.

“However it is the only proposal Secretary Paulson would support and his support was essential in this setting.”

Aww, Gingrich finally realized what the adults were so worried about — how this bailout, so hyped and expected after Paulson’s admittedly pushy behavior, kinda has to pass in some form or another. It’s not a fun thing at all! So can the Republican base please stop listening to this man now? He had nooooo problem spending taxpayers’ money for corporations back in the ’90s, when he was vaguely relevant. He’s a ssssslob.

Newt Gingrich: ‘I would reluctantly and sadly vote for the bailout’ [Atlanta Journal-Constitution]

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  • El Bombastico

    From TNR: “A tearful caller who describes herself as “just a mother” is on C-SPAN right now, saying that her grandmother told her stories of the Great Depression and that she doesn’t want to “eat peas and porridge every day.”

    Please God, someone upload this to YouTube.

  • azw88

    I guess we didn’t have enough reason to hate Newt, so he has given us a few more.

  • regisgoat

    I saw this ugly and irrelevant hack on ABC’s this week, saying that the real problem with the economy is that we’re overtaxing our overlords (“There’s no capital gains tax in China”). Even the conservatives on the panel with him couldn’t bear to look at him. Why won’t he go spend his retirement pulling the legs off of kittens, or something?

  • blader

    Fitting that Gnut would be both the beginning of the end of the world with his fucking contract, and 20 years later leads the march at the end of the world with his pro-financial meltdown rhetoric

    what a fucking moron

  • graceless

    Brother, can you spare a dime?

  • SuperRounder

    Wait, what? Oh HELL no. This is proof that some people are just too fucking evil to die.

  • Hedley Lamar

    What a dickweed. Seriously, when we’re all livin in the hobo jungle, I’ll be the
    first to ram a shank into his meaty middle. Fucktard.

  • EnBuenOra

    Frankly

  • loudmouthredhead

    How the hell can Newt still summon any press? Sweet Jeebus, who thought he’d still be sucking air at this point?

  • SayItWithWookies

    That’s Newt — leading the only way he knows how — from the rear.

  • King of Pants

    Newt discovered that House Republicans had cancer and thus had to divorce them.

    (Best I got right now. I hope my schtick becomes better, cuz these jokes won’t get me beans.)

  • shortsshortsshorts

    I’m sure any of his 20 concubines will give him sympathy-sex this evening. There there, Newt. It’ll get better for you.

  • donner_froh

    He is against the bailout (which does suck balls but not for the reasons he gives) right up to the moment when it looks like enough of the more ridiculous members of the House vote against it. Then its “Whoops, there will be soundbites making me look like more of a drooling idiot than I already do” so it is time to backtrack.

  • grendel

    For the good of the country Newt Gingrich should be publicly drawn and quartered… using Monster trucks instead of horses…

  • Hairy Reed

    [re=113910]El Bombastico[/re]: Oh! I heard that! and couldn’t figure out what was going on. Maybe that’s because I thought she said “granddaughter,” not “grandmother.”

  • donner_froh

    [re=113912]regisgoat[/re]: He suddenly realizes this isn’t a game–too late, asshat.

  • magic titty

    Fail.

  • spencer

    Now that women will have to go back to selling themselves to raise their families, it is good we have a powerful douche.

  • OuterBoroughPrincess

    I guess since shutting down the federal government during Clinton’s administration worked out so well, everyone figured he had really sound advice.

  • loquaciousmusic

    I have $18 in my wallet right now, so that’ll buy me…

    Oh, shit. NOTHING.

    Thanks, Newt!

  • freakishlystrong

    I vote for Newt, the Turdblossom and Billy fucking Krystol to be the first ones through the Soylent Green machine, even though, I know, “Soylent Green is People!”

  • Hey, Paint Guy

    hepl

  • stew

    memo to Newt: drop dead you fat fucking scumbag.

  • Serolf Divad

    Here’s the statement from the former House Speaker, who famously cheated on his wife during the Clinton impeachment:

    I’m not afflicted with teh gah, but all the same, I love you Jim Newell!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Meanwhile, CNN.com is doing their part to help by refusing to update their stock ticker.

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=113911]azw88[/re]: My loathing hadn’t waned at all – he really didn’t need to do this.

  • slappypaddy

    y’know, maybe the oddest thang about our ol’ newt is–stay with me on this–he’s not a stupid person… though why he an’ his henchmen had to take out a Contract on America a little wayz back, i ne’er coold figger…

  • PoliTacky

    Doug Neidermeyer: And most recently of all, a “Roman Toga Party” was held from which we have received more than two dozen reports of individual acts of perversion SO profound and disgusting that decorum prohibits listing them here.

    Newt: Put down the grapes and stop ravishing the virgins!
    GOP: But… but… we just got new golden Laurel Wreaths!

  • capitol hillbilly

    yet another calzone with legs – jesus christ, they’re everywhere.

  • ManchuCandidate

    [re=113941]freakishlystrong[/re]:
    Can’t turn the inedible into food. Just roast them back to their component atoms, scatter them to wind and hope that they never combine again.

  • Cogito Ergo Bibo

    [re=113945]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Bloomberg shows the ticker down 552.

  • Garble

    discrediting free market capitalism for a generation

    Is there anyway to have that particular effect last longer?

  • jagorev

    [re=113910]El Bombastico[/re]: Peas and porridge? Luxury! In my day we lived on hot gravel and were grateful for it!

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=113950]slappypaddy[/re]: The problem with Newt is not that he is stupid, but that he is more disingenuous than Michael Moore. Some people come by their partisanship with honesty; Newt makes Rove look like the most honest guy in the entire world.

  • El Topo

    [re=113940]loquaciousmusic[/re]: “I have $18 in my wallet right now”

    Lucky bastard. I have exactly 16 cents and no food.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …if there is one thing that makes the apocalypse half way entertaining, it is watching ungodly, filthy, stinking rich people shit themselves as their investment portfolios vaporize! I kinda wanna get a bowl of popcorn and watch the DOW tank.

  • slappypaddy

    i jess looked at bloomberg, at the dow… i cannot fuckin believe it, i cannot fuckin believe it, i cannot fuckin believe it, i cannot fuckin believe it, i cannot fuckin believe it, i cannot fuckin believe it, i cannot fuckin believe it… same thing that ran through the head of the feller that slipped off the high bridge even though he was told to watch his step, but it was too late an’ he was fallin fallin fallin… i cannot fuckin believe it, i cannot fuckin believe it, i cannot fuckin believe it…

  • AngryBlakGuy

    [re=113963]El Topo[/re]: [re=113940]loquaciousmusic[/re]: …I got both you guys beat.

    The contents of my wallet:

    -2 maxed out credit cards

    -An expired FL. ID

    -A taco bell receipt

    -And a lottery ticket(the poor mans 401K)

  • NoWireHangers

    Wait, wait. So the liberal Demrats who vote Yea are dirty commie traitors, but the Republicans that vote Yea are grudgingly doing what’s best for the World Economy.

    What an asshole.

  • OhYeahAlright

    He should just change his name to Gingbitch and save me the trouble of having to call him that.

  • loquaciousmusic

    [re=113980]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Shhhh, shhhh. I’m housesitting this weekend. They pay cash. Come up to southern Connecticut for dinner* next week. My treat.

    * = Dinner will consist of “gruel” with generic ketchup.

  • Cogito Ergo Bibo

    [re=113980]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Who would have thought that lottery tickets might one day provide almost as much assured return on investment as a 401K?

  • Hairy Reed

    [re=113980]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: At least the taco bell receipt 1) could be eaten and 2) shows you have eaten sometime after the invention of the receipt.

  • tiger

    I’m right there angry…and i’m SO skinny, that no one’ll wanna eat me…except maybe Newt cuz he’s the devil…

  • tiger

    MY grandmother used to talk of hobos coming to the farm. Her mom would always give em pie. I don’t have a home or a pie. I’m fucked, right?

  • azw88

    [re=113980]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Hey, don’t laugh at the lotteries…. look for ticket sales to SKYROCKET, thus driving up prize money!

    Heck, maybe it is time for a national lottery!

  • slappypaddy

    so, bout these peeps up in congerz, doin their best, i gotta question: if we kill ’em all, will god still sort ’em out? or are we gonna hafta to that ourselves? woold bible spice know?

  • obfuscator

    [re=114008]azw88[/re]: Like a money lottery of a Shirley Jackson lottery? I’m torn as to which I’d prefer.

  • Tawmn

    My Monday has been bad enough… now we have to hear from THIS asshat?

  • AngryBlakGuy

    [re=114008]azw88[/re]: …I actually think that would be a far more constructive thing to do with 700 billion dollars!

  • Sussemilch

    Well, too late now. If we pump the market full of dough it won’t actually boost it any more. Climbs take a long time to build, falls happen in a flash. Just drop the bailout idea, let the rest of the rich people go broke, and then fire it up when Obama llama gets in office so we can has cold porridge for eats.

  • OuterBoroughPrincess

    [re=114008]azw88[/re]: As long as you won’t mind getting paid in yuan.

  • grendel

    [re=114006]tiger[/re]: If you’re not the one making the pies, you’re the one beggin’ for ’em…

  • PoliTacky

    [re=113980]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: -And a lottery ticket (the poor mans 401K)
    Some asshole always seems to win the lottery, so sometimes I buy one because, hey, why can’t I be that asshole?

  • bitchincamaro

    Representative Darrell Issa, a Republican, said he was “resolute” in his opposition to the measure because it would betray party principles and amount to “a coffin on top of Ronald Reagan’s coffin.”

    Giving a new meaning to the term “trickle down”.

  • TGY

    There must be a word meaning ‘having been fucked by morons’. If not, I shall invent one. How about: ‘boffoonery’, ‘clownilingus’, ‘jokulation’, or ‘bugfoolery’?

  • StripesAndPlaids

    Just so you all know, I HIT THE POWERBALL THIS WEEKEND WOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! Unfortunately, just the powerball, no other numbers. So I get $3. I think that buys me the opportunity to stand in line for the chance to be considered for a special drawing to be offered the outside possibility of rooting through my Chinese Overlord’s trashcan.

  • Schadenfried

    Couldn’t he just catch a new, Valtrex-resistant strain of Herpes and get out of the spotlight already?

  • PoliTacky

    [re=114051]TGY[/re]: Jesterfuck?

  • Sacks of Awful

    When I worked in a fancy restaurant in Florida, I got to make him a salad. It had lobster, mache, lemon-infused olive oil, artichoke hearts, roasted fennel, cucumber “spaghetti”, creme fraiche, and my bitter, bitter hatred.

  • TeddyS

    Old Grand Wizards never die, they just sign on as senior analysts for Fox.

  • azw88

    [re=114053]StripesAndPlaids[/re]: Actually, your prize is you get to be personally responsible for all of the bad loans/investments in your state. Good Luck!

  • 1ofUS

    Gingrich is the worst of tooth decay and Xmas rolled into a slimy butterball of obnoxiousnicity.

  • Regina V. Dudley

    “Main Street” and its mouth-breathing, US Weekly-reading, frothy rage against the fatcats can eat a fat one.

  • edgydrifter

    [re=114051]TGY[/re]: Morodomy?

  • HuskyMescan

    In the pic, Gingrich has the Spitzer frown. Uh oh, did he cheat on Lindsey Graham and fuck Boehner?

  • WadISay

    [re=114065]Sacks of Awful[/re]: I would have hucked a little clam in there, too.

  • Guppy06

    “The market collapse could discredit free market capitalism, so we should suspend free market capitalism.”

    WTF? Can I have some of what he’s smoking?

  • Advocatus_Diaboli

    Jesus Christ, I might actually agree with Newt but for different reasons. Definitely time to drink.

  • Advocatus_Diaboli

    [re=114065]Sacks of Awful[/re]: I hope that “bitter, bitter hatred” included a loogie.

  • Borat

    Frustration at “the Democrats’ passion for the taxpayer’s money”. Give me a break here, umm, maybe I’ve been baked for the last 8 years, but its some one else racking up the deficit. Anyway, I will buy his house for a troy ounce of silver I have hidden in my parents attic since I was 8. I am not unforgiving (what would Jeebus say) – I will let him sleep in the docghouse with my mean hungry dogs.

  • keepinitrealyo

    I heard that Knut’s handler died last week, and maybe that’s what put him in such a disorganized state of — oh wait, that’s Knut the polar bear. Newt handles himself. And pretty frequently in public.

  • rocktonsammy

    [re=113940]loquaciousmusic[/re]:
    hey buddy, can you spare 18 bucks for a Starbucks, if they’re open

  • slithy_tove

    Now correct me if I’m wrong, but is this the same big white talking newt that convinced Joseph Smith to found the Mormon religion?

  • NotLaughing

    Newt. Every woman’s dream come true.

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