Liveblogging The Mississippi Mud Slide, Part II

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Jim Lehrer, you garish little Skittle whore! What kind of jacket is THAT? Slut slut slut Jim Lehrer is a slut. Oh god this debate is boring, we realized during our last moment of clarity. Time to open the Schlitz! Huh? Who are you people anyway. (Pre-blog & Part 1).

9:30 — “I saved the taxpayers 6 million dollars on a contract between Boeing and…” Oh right, you mean that fight you picked up because your favorite lobbyist friends asked for it. But oh! What do we know. We were in high school or whatever. John McCain was still in Vietnam when he did this.
9:31 — Obama: “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh insurance $15 billion dollars, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, George W. Bush is, uhhhhhhhhhhhhh, $20 billion dollars and a fried Scottish terrier.”
9:32 — Lehrer: “One of you all will be president in January.” Candidates: “MMHMM MMHMM.”
9:33 — OH MY GOD JOHN MCCAIN IS OFF HIS METAMUCIL AIDS PILLS AGAIN: He wants to have a “spending freeze,” um, “temporarily,” for all items that aren’t defense or veterans’ care. WHAA? Obama lists two of the 8,000 million trillion reasons why this is not actual a policy at all ever. “Medicare,” for example.
9:34 — Ha ha, fuckin’ Lehrer is condescending to these two so much. Every question has been, “please answer the first question I asked in this debate?”
9:37 — **DING DING DING DRUDGE SIREN DING** Barack Obama says the word “orgy.” Orgy of “spending.”
9:38 — **DING DING DING DRUDGE SIREN DING DING PART II: Barack Obama follows his orgy statement with “you swallow it.” Jesus fuck. He is going to teach sex-ed to at least uh 100 million kindergartners (Caucasian) in one hour.
9:39 — Oh look, they are going to talk about foreign policy now, 40 minutes into the foreign policy debate. Whazza we got goin’ over there, in the foreign countries? Iraq? That still going on? Meh. Tell me about Chris Dodd microprovisions a little more.
9:39 — How do you feel about the lessons of Iraq, John McCain?
9:40 — “Someone else who agreed with everything I said fucked up. I, uh, passed difficult legislation. Know? VICTORY!
9:41 — How do you feel about the lessons of Iraq, John McCain?
9:42 — “Nah nah, man, Lehrer, Iraq. Iraq! Iraq. Nah nah, Lehrer. I’ve been called worse things on the basketball court. Wait, what?”
9:43 — Obama’s faces are priceless whenever McCain starts throwing out bullshit. It’s a tight, lip-sucking sarcasm smile, a la “Jim” from the Office. Stare into the camera with a “WHAAA?”
9:44 — McCain’s face, meanwhile, says, “I WANT TO SUCKLE THE FLESH OF A VIRGIN PUPPY.”
9:45 — Obama lists a number of things John McCain got wrong in 2002-03 about war in Iraq war Congress blah… who remembers back then? I got a new iPod last week though!
9:47 — McCain: Barack Obama visited Iraq -40 times and literally ate three Marines through his anus. And then he voted against the moneys.
9:49 — OH MY GOD ROB. My fucking roommate, “Rob,” just dropped a 40 of Schlitz on the kitchen floor and it broke. SMASHED. Everyone say, “die Rob,” right now. DIE ROB! And now we have to split this Steel Reserve.
9:50 — Gawd. Can someone tell a joke? Isn’t McCain known for that, his “funnies”? Tell one of those things about bestiality rape. Oh god Rob is still cleaning up the glass. Barack Obama is such a downer about Iraq! What did Iraq ever do to him.
9:51 — THIS IS SO BOOOOORIRIRNGNGNGNGNG. Perhaps Barry just wants a stalemate. That would make sense. Stalemate. I hope Rob gets glass in his feet.
9:53 — Poppy fields are growing in Afghanistan, Barry says. Silly Barry. Doesn’t he know that most people don’t make the connection between poppy and terrible drugs? Poppy is a nice salad dressing seed!
9:54 — Walnuts: “we need to rebuild the Marriott in Islamabad.” We need to *help* the bad Islam town?
9:55 — Obama says, if them Pakistani bitchcunts be actin up, we gots to “TAKE ‘EM OUT.” Whoa hey what who are you whoa hey.
9:56 — Oh god Ken needs to take over REALLY SOON.
9:57 — HAHAHAHA, Obama brings up “Bomb Bomb Bomb, Bomb Bomb Iran.” First time ever! What?
9:58 — McCain: when I came to the Congresses in 1983, I had no pants. Now I haz pants. Now I bomb Kosovo. Now I have a record. Pakistan. Barack Obama knows none of these things. I now have pants. I just pooped all over them.
9:59 — McCain: “I knew some guy who died last year.” Oh is he crying? Oh god he’s crying.
10:00 — HAHAHA Obama: “I knew some guy who died last year too.” But he doesn’t cry because he’s an adult.
10:00 — Alright, Ken’s turn, thank God! Ken is the president of Mojave Desertz tee hee. GO HERE.

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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509 comments

  1. SayItWithWookies

    “The problem with a spending freeze is that you’re using a hatchet when you should be using a scalpel.” Yaaay!

  2. soytrucknutz

    I’m in favor of storing spent nuclear fuel and I’m in favor of taking away Nevada’s 5 electoral votes. Vote John McCain!

  3. Sussemilch

    “Senator, your opponent is right there. Why don’t you look at him? Why don’t you tell him what you think? Why don’t you do over and pat him on the shoulder? Senator, why don’t you give him a big manly hug and stick your tongue down his throat?”

  4. Crow T. Robot

    “Effect how you *rule* the country”?!? What the hell Lehrer. I’m looking for a president…

    …or did he just let the cat out of the bag.

    (Cue scary music)

  5. 2druk2phluq

    Walnuts head looks like a zit about to blow, except when he gives the death grin, then he’s a carnivorous zit

  6. SayItWithWookies

    Yeah, the government got its money back during the Depression — after fifteen years. Which is two lifetimes in presidential election cycles.

  7. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=111311]Ken Layne[/re]: You have to love that Lehrer goaded McCain into that. McCain can’t stand a vacuum.

    So, was the lack of post this afternoon so you all could do all the Blingee art?

  8. jagorev

    The spending freeze idea is both obviously irresponsible and also obviously disingenuous. Does it matter to McCain that he is likely to piss off everyone with that line?

  9. soytrucknutz

    [re=111361]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: You didn’t put a fridge next to your La-Z-Boy? That’s the first thing I did with my stimulus check.

  10. nurple

    Walnuts just confused millions will billions! I think we have to adopt the English system of referring to billion as thousand million. And the English system of referring to girls as birds.

  11. memzilla

    So trusting the Fed to bail out Wall Street = GOOD. Trusting the Fed to bail out health care = BAD. WTF, McPain?

  12. SayItWithWookies

    Oh, McCain’s right — high taxes are the cause of this subprime mortgage crisis. How come more people don’t realize he’s the man to fix the economy?

  13. thwanger

    ugh. mccain is just yakking about repube talking points. “he’ll raise yr taxes! he’ll do this! he’s black! usa!”

  14. jagorev

    [re=111311]Ken Layne[/re]: Yup, that’s exactly what it looks like. I expect that he will next ask us to go back on the gold standard and return to the pre-war exchange rate, because he hates the economy just that much.

  15. legglaw

    Spending freeze on everything except for War and the Valium for the old soldiers in the Veterans Hospital. Goddamit, lets just go ahead and declare martial law.

  16. ifthethunderdontgetya

    I think that jacket is sending some kind of signal.

    John McCain is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever known in my life.
    ~

  17. NotLaughing

    Orgy?

    Uh oh. There goes the conservative vote that he didn’t have.

    Uh oh. That Ms. Congeniality thing again. I think that’s
    a Freudian/passive aggressive thing.

  18. WIDTAP

    Its the Pottery Barn principle of voting, John. You voted for it, you own it.

    Response: “But I got Palin now.”

  19. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    I just was thinking Obama should call him on who has been in power, and he did. Oooh, I’m mind linked to Obama.

    McCain is starting to sputter.

  20. Texas2Step

    YES, WALNUT!!! WE KNOW YOU WEREN’T ELECTED MISS CONGENIALITY!!! YOU MENTIONED IT ALREADY!!!!

    How much Vodka is too much….?

  21. Terry

    Lessons of Iraq “you can’t have a failed strategy that will make you nearly lose a conflict” Really? what is the definition of “failed strategy”, John?

  22. Sonic Former Youth

    BO has to bring up that Petraeus doesn’t allow the “we’re winning” talk. Make him make him make him.

  23. jagorev

    “I think the lesson of Iraq is that you cannot have a failed strategy that then causes you to lose. I also believe that tautologies are tautologies too.”

  24. WithMySFValues

    Senator Cranky McCombOver reminds us all that he’s been cutting spending since the dinosaurs — way to remind us that Walnuts is older the dirt!

  25. SayItWithWookies

    “The lessons of Iraq are very clear — you cannot have a failed strategy…”

    Wow. That whirring sound is Clausewitz spinning in his grave.

  26. nurple

    “I went to Iraq, and met with Nebuchadnezzar and Schabuchadnezzar and we agreed that to smote the Persians and Hittites was a glorious work in the eyes of Ba-al.”

  27. jagorev

    [re=111382]soytrucknutz[/re]: I spent my stimulus check on a handjob in Chinatown. I wouldn’t have done that if I’d known that the government would be ass-raping me for free a few months later.

  28. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Good God, McCain referred to himself as a “maverick,” and then tied himself to Ms. I Can See Russia, who is also a maverick.

  29. SayItWithWookies

    “We will come home when we have won other wars and not in defeat.”
    Like I did. Not that I’m bitter.

  30. SayItWithWookies

    Oh, McCain’s great — let’s not argue about who got us into this Iraqi shithole to begin with — let’s argue about piddly shit.

  31. AngryBlakGuy

    [re=111458]Ken Layne[/re]: …is Ken Layne trying to get us to leave? Kinda like when you have a party and you aren’t sure how to kick the last 3 or 4 people out at the end of the night.

  32. azw88

    Johnny-Mac doesn’t want to send money to countries that hate us… shit, I guess we have to buy our oil from the Brits…

  33. SayItWithWookies

    Damn. McCain coulda anticipated Barry’s talking points here if he had watched last weekend’s 60 Minutes. Oh, wait…

  34. shortsshortsshorts

    WALNUTS!!!!!1! The War started in ’07 and Walnuts!!!!11 is honored!
    I know a few folks who were in Iraq and they’re kinda like “umm fuck that”

  35. Sussemilch

    Yeah, Obama knows the difference between a tactic and a strategy. Unlike Bush, who doesn’t know the difference between a tactic and a tic-tac.

  36. accidental_tourist

    I was worried about tonight. But damn, Barry makes me PROUD to have switched from Democrat to Republican back to Democrat.

  37. memzilla

    No you stupid sh!t, they re-enlisted because their buddies were there, NOT for f***ing “Iraqi Freedom.”

  38. twoeightnine

    So McCain wants to win in Iraq but the next president isn’t going to have to worry about winning in Iraq.

  39. SayItWithWookies

    Oh god — McCain’s doing the re-enlistement ceremony bullshit.
    “Let us win?!” Uh — what’s holding you back?
    And no we’re not winning in Iraq. The Kurds are doing pretty well though. And the Shi’ites.

  40. shortsshortsshorts

    The Iraqis killed enough of eachother for the war to succeed. We have nothing to fucking do with it. BLAH.

  41. druranium

    John is not here to debate.
    He is here to tell old man stories about 4th of July and wars.
    The troops just want to fight. Why won’t Barack just let them stay and fight?!?!

  42. The Neoskeptic

    [re=111486]d4g33z[/re]: YEAH, IT’S MAKING MY THIRD BOTTLE OF WINE LOOK LIKE AN EX-BEAUTY QUEEN BEER HEIRESS

  43. legglaw

    Barry is burying the lead. Iraq has a surplus. We are paying for the war. And we are going further into debt for this fucking war. Goddamit, BO, take this fuckers knees out.

  44. The Neoskeptic

    barry goes into tooo much detail about the inner dealings of senatorial politics. that won’t play well with the bitters.

  45. Yuppie

    CNN’s “audience reaction” ticker is literally as predictably as watching Sarah Palin inevitably bomb every single interview question that doesn’t directly involve lipstick, hockey, or earmark reform.

  46. Sussemilch

    [re=111539]druranium[/re]: Yeah, McCain sure isn’t playing down the age thing is he? “I knew Grorge Washington, and you sir are no George Washington!”

  47. WIDTAP

    The bad news, my fellow Wanketteers, is that McCain is defining Obama, and Obama is not returning teh favor. MCCain has him on the defensive.

    Ignore him completely on start defining McCain, Barak.

  48. Texas2Step

    I think the debate’s a draw. I don’t know. I need a drink. Tell me it’s going to be ok, Barry’s going to be the Prez, and I won’t have to move to Amsterdam…

  49. muktech

    come on, let’s talk about afghanistan. iraq is a failure!! yes the surge succeded. let’s move on to something else please! i can’t take this anymore…

  50. obfuscator

    [re=111534]SayItWithWookies[/re]: We’re losing in Iraq? Why are the soldiers in the tank for Big Obama??

  51. SayItWithWookies

    Oh, Secretary Gates is lucky there’s only a few more months left — otherwise he’d be Shalikashvilied.

  52. OzoneTom

    I am only getting this glorious event via radio, so I appreciate the descripions. I hope that y’all will mention if death-rays shoot out of McCain’s eyes, or steam from his ears or anything similarly amusing.

    Yeah, I’m on dial-up in my little Unabomber cabin in the mountains. I didn’t want to take any chances in case McCain starts a war with the Ruskies tonight. I know that Sarah isn’t in Alaska to keep an eye on any head-rearing that front.

  53. The Mattress Police

    Dear Barry: No one knows what “poppy” is. Say “smack” “the big O” or some variant.

  54. simetrias

    You don’t say things out loud… if ya have to do things, ya have to do things.

    Is that a strategy or a tactic?

  55. soytrucknutz

    Ha ha, McCain would only secretly attack Pakistan, Obama you’re so dumb because you’d only announce that you were shooting your fellow half breed Muslins!

  56. NoWireHangers

    WALNUTS! you old jerk. You say our diddling in Afghanistan during the Cold War led to the trouble we have in the region now. Yes, that is true, and I’m assuming you’re referring to things like training Osama Bin Laden to fight the commies. So, why not LEARN the lesson that our foreign policy affects our safety and that the Iraq war has made us LESS SECURE?

  57. AngryBlakGuy

    …hehehe, what a shit bag. “You dont say that out loud…”, then wouldn’t that mean you shouldn’t DENY IT OUT LOUD like you did either?

  58. jokerontheleft

    Alexander the Great??? i thought the Eisenhower refernce dated him…was he Colin Ferrel’s military advisory?

  59. thwanger

    [re=111602]SayItWithWookies[/re]: only the next 3 or 4 times. that’s it. he promised alexander the great.

  60. SayItWithWookies

    McCain’s not senile — listening to him talk about Afghanistan — well, he’s just an idiot.

  61. WIDTAP

    Barry – you are still on the defensive. Less “Here’s what I said.” and more “Dude, you are so out of touch!”

  62. dano

    [re=111602]SayItWithWookies[/re]: If McCain wants to look at history, no country has ever maintained a successful occupation if Afghanistan since Alexander the great.

  63. druranium

    HA HA Barry made fun of him for singing bomb bomb iran and mccain looked down and did that sheepish eye squint. (The roaches are about to explode out of his ears)

  64. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Damn it. I didn’t have that Obama would be the first to mention “Bomb Iran” in the pool. What a fool am I.

  65. chascates

    And Barack, don’t keep saying “Senator McCain is right.” Just repeat the phrase you want to use without attribution. Less politeness, more aggression, please.

  66. fishcanoeski

    Since foreign policy is McCain’s supposed forte a draw would be a win for Barry. McCain has to come across as more able, not *as* able, to win.

  67. simetrias

    Walnuts keeps saying “What Sen Obama doesn’t understand.”

    Barry has to say that back. “What McCain can’t hear, understand, or repeat in 30 seconds is…”

  68. SayItWithWookies

    McCain — Pakistan was a failed state when Musharraf “came to power.” What?! It was a functioning democracy. Other than that — yeah, it was a failed state.
    Now, let’s break for some more war stories from McWarPrisoner.

  69. voyetra8

    I wish there was some sort of graphic tie-in to McCain’s blood pressure flowing along the bottom of the screen.

    220 over 110
    230 over 115
    235 over 118

    STROKE OUT

  70. stopsmiling

    I was less than a year old when Mcain began his corrupt career in politics. That gives me hope that one day I can become a corrupt cancer faced political douche bag.

  71. Weeping Jesus

    “Senator Obama doesn’t understand….[fill in blank]”

    Obama needs to slap him down or he’s going to look like Jimmy Carter hearing, “There you go again”.

  72. SkimLatteModerate

    What the fuck is with these half sentence anecdotes? No seriously, what is the point? I want someone to fact check him, and find out exactly whose mom that was.

  73. eastcoastliberal

    [re=111660]NotLaughing[/re]: Get rid of that protesting thing. It’s annoyinger than the Blingee McCain head.

  74. chascates

    We don’t want defeat. We want 10,000 more deaths. He knows how to win wars. And leave honor out of it for Christ sake.

  75. tennessee Jed clampett

    this crusty, ancient, hypocritical geezer hasn’t the IQ the job requires.

    i left the schlitz in back of the fridge tonight, jim.

    swiggin a grolsch flip top instead…. (such an elitist) glug-glug

  76. thwanger

    i’m so confused. every time i refresh there’s something from ‘notlaughing’ about how they’re protesting. when you protest don’t you leave? at least leave websites? oh i get it they’re picketing the front gates. gotcha. we’re all scabs.

  77. The Neoskeptic

    HAHHA jim newell has a roommate. you’re obviously part of the 95% of Americans that make less than 250,000$$ a year, huh Jim?

  78. mikey mike

    OH SNAP! OBAMA’S GOT A BRACELET TOO!

    So this is how we’re gonna win in Iraq and Afghanistan, right? With magic bracelet weapons?

  79. kfcbeveragelover

    I have a bracelet too. It’s one of those awesome neon slap bracelets from the 80s. I also have a toe ring given to me by the mother of a Lieutenant serving in Dumbfuckistan.

  80. paolaccio

    Jesus Christ, his voice is cracking and he’s clenching his teeth. He is going to fucking stroke out right on stage. This is gonna be AWESOME.

  81. thwanger

    why does traveling there mean so much? “oh i saw it once. i get it all now.” everyone knows someone who “loves greece” because they saw one square mile of mykonos.

  82. Queen Regine

    9:58 ish- Nana YELLS at the TV (McCranky): YOU ARE A TURD!
    8 Year old grandson asks: “What is a turd?”
    Nana: It comes out of your butt.
    Grandson: So he is smelly, stinky, and should go down the toilet?
    YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  83. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    “We took our eyes off the people who caused 9/11. And they are still sending out video tapes.”

    Netflix was responsible for 9/11?

  84. SayItWithWookies

    McCain: “I know what our security requirements are and I know what our needs are.” I just never actually say what they are.

  85. CorkPopper

    I thought the timetable thing was kind of moot…aren’t they kicking us out anyway? Or is a McCain administration planning on saying “STFU, we’re staying bitches”?

  86. jagorev

    [re=111732]DoktorZoom[/re]: No. Unless you wear a dead guy’s bracelet, you hate America. Bracelet is the new flag pin. At least bracelets allow you to style more, so it’s an improvement, y’know?

  87. Dreamer

    I am sick of his man crush on Petraus. The man is hopeless —- his rambling is killing me but Barry is owning him. Go Barry!

  88. Pop Socket

    McCain is pulling his frequent flyer points again. Remember what happened the last time you dared Barack to go someplace?

  89. The Mattress Police

    Back me up everyone. When Mac says his “s’s” he sounds like Cindy Brady. “Baby talk , baby talk it’s a wonder you can walk!” “You stop that Buddy Hinton!”

  90. nurple

    McCain has held his own tonite, but he still can’t run a campaign. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

  91. WhenTheMessiahComes...

    Why won’t McDufus, look Barry in the eyes…is he afraid to look a black man in the eyes?? Doesn’t McStupid know anything about actual politics??? Please Bar-Bar put him out of his misery!!

  92. Weeping Jesus

    Quit saying “Sen. McCain is absolutely right.”

    Say, “This old coot is a fucking idiot.”

    Then show him your bracelet. And the diamond in your front teeth. That’s better than a bracelet.

  93. OzoneTom

    One think that Barry and Old Spice can agree on is the pronunciation of “nuclear” — that is great progress.

    McCain should skool his protege on that.

    They still need to reach an agreement on pronouncing “Ahmadinejad” apparently.

  94. kondrat

    Obama invites world leaders over for tea. What an elitist with his expensive suits and fancy bracelets and want for nuclear holocausts.

  95. OzoneTom

    [re=111694]Weeping Jesus[/re]: I’ll bet that Barry will have the chance to use the “There you go again” line in one of these debates. I can only hope that he takes the opportunity.

  96. chascates

    [re=111956]Terry[/re]: They must give them free beer like at the tapings of Austin City Limits. Or they all fell asleep.

  97. expatinOz

    please let McCain frak out and call him a dirty word preferably something racist…just so everyone can see what he’s really thinking…I want it to be like a seen in law and order when the narcisitic killer admits

  98. simetrias

    He doesn’t understand. God, if Walnuts says this one more time I’m going to take that cotton wadding out of his cheeks and stuff it down his throat.

  99. S.Luggo

    [re=111268]nurple[/re]: The job is already taken by Palin’s anti-Soviet, Alaskan national guard. Bristol is its port of call. Wha? I just make small, small joke. It was meant in the spirit of bipartainship. True. Bite me.

  100. Weeping Jesus

    Memo to Obama: Start saying, “Walnuts is once again letting us know that he really doesn’t spend much time in the Senate, what with all the taxpayer-funded foreign travel….just sayin’…seems to spend the taxpayer money like a drunk….not sayin’ nothin’ but dat’s wrong…”

  101. ClothCoated

    The reason Barry didn’t compare himself to Alexander the Great is because McSame could have said” “I knew Alexander, I served with Alexander and Senator, you are no Alexander the Great.

  102. Big Al1317

    Drilling off shore is a bridge. . .to nowhere Walnuts!! YOu’re dimwit running mate knows all about bridges to nowhere!!

  103. populucious

    It was fun to hear John McCain lose the entire state of Washington with his bitch about Boeing. Yay John McCain! Took away our plane jobs and sent them to Russia! Yay!

    I ain’t saying they maybe didn’t deserve it, it’s just a touchy subject round these parts, like going to Detroit and bragging about helping build car factories in Lichtenstein. Fail!

  104. Weeping Jesus

    I can’t wait for Palin to say, “I was once in Canada? Hello? Big country right next to the place I’ve only left twice?”

  105. Big Al1317

    Walnuts: “After 9/11 Joe Lieberman and I each blew each other and then we started a committee to find out what’s wrong with (fill in the blank.) America is safer today because the Brits and Germans are arresting the real terrorists while we arrest pretend terrorists. We’re a lot safer because I have to remove my fucking shoes before getting on a plane.

  106. Weeping Jesus

    Al Qaeda (however the fuck you spell it) is now in more countries than Amway! What do you say to that Walnuts!?

  107. Urbanachiever

    “What you foreclosed homeowners don’t understand is that I still own 7 homes, so from my vantage point the housing market is fine.”

  108. Terry

    ooh, when McCain says the names of countries or cities, his running mate should be standing behind him with a wall map and try to put a pin in or near the place.

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