Good lord, people, who even knew we would be doing this, tonight?! Just think, drinking and watching some crap on the teevee and maybe just cold layin’ down some blogs. Oh yeah right that is just the normal life in America every single day … or it was, before the Economy Collapsed. Anyway, who knows what Walnuts! will do — not wear pants? Pick his nose and wipe it on Jim Lehrer? A vaudeville softshoe? Everything’s possible when you are an absolutely crazy old idiot.
8:58 PM — It’s on, people … it’s ON THE TEEVEE. Newell’s pre-game post is here, please move your ice chests and handguns to this new thread.
8:59 PM — They should just show cartoons beforehand, like at an old-timey movie. A talkie!
8:59 PM — Ted Kennedy had a seizure. Yeah, McCain is driving us all crazy. But he went to the hospital, is reportedly home again, and is watching the debate. Don’t look into Lehrer’s eyes, Teddy!
9:00 PM — Christine wants you to know that French candidates are super smart and classy and have two-hour boring debates, in French. Come on, lady, this is AMERICA. We finish our debates with trucknutz smackdowns. (Probably this is the next stunt McCain will attempt.)
9:00 PM — Oh dudez if you don’t have cable, you can watch on your computer, CNNPolitics.com.
9:01 PM — “You’re looking at the back of Jim Lehrer ….” Thanks for that, Wolf. Thanks a lot.
9:02 PM — “No cheers, no applause, no noise of any kind.” Just like Lehrer likes it … he’s got lifeless eyes, like a doll’s eyes.
9:03 PM — No midget step for McCain? He must be wearing lifts in his shoes, but is still so leetle.
9:03 PM — Ha ha, so much for foreign policy, and right to the Economic Disaster.
9:04 PM — Obama: “Can’t think of a more important time to talk about the future of the country.”
9:04 PM — Barry drops the “g” on “struggling.” Southern style! (But otherwise sounds normal.)
9:04 PM — Well this is not the most exciting opening answer, but he hits the “helping homeowners” right away, and (zing) “this is a final verdict on eight years of the policies of President Bush, supported by Senator McCain.”
9:06 PM — Ha ha, McCain starts with an “update” about Kennedy in the hospital, even though CNN already said Teddy is home and watching the debate. Still, always a classy move to say howdy to your Senate buddy from the ’70s.
9:07 PM — McCain wants to make sure we don’t lose our credits! Can’t buy new ‘droid parts without credits!
9:07 PM — Oh jeez, McCain looks tired, and we can’t really tell what he’s talking about. “This isn’t the beginning of the end of the crisis, it’s the end of the beginning.” Is he threatening everyone again?
9:08 PM — HA, Lehrer says, “Let’s go back to the question, are you in favor of this plan? We’ve got five minutes, you can make a deal,” etc., Jim Lehrer hates everyone.
9:09 PM — Obama notes that neither of them have seen the plan, as it’s not done or anything.
9:10 PM — Lehrer: “You’re gonna vote for the plan, Senator?”
9:10 PM — McCain: “Yeah, yeah, sure, I guess, I hope.” What?
9:10 PM — But now McCain would like to talk about the stuff he loves, which is doing an invasion. Dwight “I Like Ike” Eisenhower wrote a letter right after the Greatest Invasion. That’s why McCain still wants to fire motherfucking Christopher Cox. Huh?
9:11 PM — Obama gets mildly populist, says incomes are down, etc. Now Lehrer is starting to piss off Barack and Juan, telling them to talk to each other, and maybe they will do a bipartisan action on Lehrer.
9:13 PM — Ha, Lehrer wants McCain to have a conversation. “Do you agree?” No, he says, and then repeats the same goddamned thing Obama said, minus the detail or knowledge, and starts talking about the “American worker.”
9:14 PM — Black-Eyed Jim is still trying to get McCain to say anything. The answer: Ergh, the talking points. Earmarks. Gateway drug. Like Ambien?
9:15 PM — Hey, Fucknuts, don’t be putting down million-dollar studies on Western wildlife ya bag of golf clubs. We will need QUITE A BIT MORE million-dollar studies on Western wildlife to fix the shit Bush and Cheney have pulled out here, in the West, which is basically timber deals. Don’t you fucking fuck with motherfucking Bears, you fuck.
9:17 PM — Obama notes that the Bush/Cheney corporate pals are getting hundreds of millions from earmarks and executive orders, while poor people get nothing, and Mountain Bears only get a million-dollar study after they’re all getting killed.
9:18 PM — Gosh, McCain has learned that corporate money given to government corrupts. Come on Barry, give McCain some Keating Five.
9:19 PM — The light is sort of making Obama’s hair look … green? IS HE THE JOKER?
9:19 PM — Obama just missed a big chance to, again, explain very clearly that his tax plan cuts taxes on NINETY-FIVE PERCENT of Americans. That is kind of an important point, eh?
9:22 PM — Yes, now that is kind of important, too, right? How will you like paying taxes on your crappy healthy insurance?
9:24 PM — John McCain hates Christmas trees that are “festooned with ornaments.”
9:25 PM — Well, here is McCain’s attack. Obama is saying, “It’s not true, it’s not true John.” He is shaking his head with dignity. DRINK!
9:26 PM — Oh Lehrer’s hair looks green, too. Maybe your editor will replace this teevee he bought to cover the 2000 election, for $80, at Circuit City. It has a VHS built-in video tape recorder!
9:27 PM — Newell will soon take over. He will probably get the “good stuff.”
9:28 PM — Ha, Obama just noted how China is having exciting space missions and space walks, while we eat dirt and pay giant car-insurance premiums.
9:29 PM — McCain is chuckling and cackling about being the new Herbert Hoover, or Coolidge, probably. Whichever one he went to Top Hat Prep School with, at the Junior-Scamp War College.
9:30 PM — First-Third Recap: You dudes are boring. Lively it up a bit, while your editor refreshes his wine bottle, and here comes your D.C. No.#01 Pimp, Jim Newell, okay see you soon.