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Coward McCain Will (Maybe?) Show Up Tonight, So Here’s Your Debate Drinking Game!

Oh look a 'reason' to drink, tonight.Whew, that was close. Goofy old national joke John “Walnuts!” McCain had threatened to skip tonight’s debate unless he, uh, solved the Financial Crisis. Luckily for us, the 500-year-old clown can’t “keep his word” for more than a few minutes, so of course he’ll be at the debate tonight, unless he changes his mind again, which happens often when you can’t remember what you just said and have no idea what you’re talking about, anyway. So, huzzah, we will get to drink on a Friday night after all! Get out your iPhone or whatever and make a shopping list, because it’s time for Wonkette’s Famous Debate Drinking Game!

RULES & DEREGULATIONS: “Drink” means a hit off your beer or wine, or a shot of spirits — unless we specify what you are to drink. If you lack the specified spirit, just have two gulps of whatever you’ve got in your hand — unless it’s a penis in your hand. Save that for later: We are in a crisis. You may substitute whatever pills — except vitamins — or smoke your marijuana or whatever when the Game requires you to consume a specific pill. Generics are acceptable only if you can afford the name brand. “Thrift” is the new style for those with Health Care! (Or a good Rx dealer.)

Whenever John McCain says “My Friends”:

Two drinks (or one shot), poke the breast of the person to your right and smile creepily.

When Barack Obama shakes his head with dignity:

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Shake your own head with dignity, take the beverage from the person to your left, and tell them to go get you a new drink because you are not going to get AIDS from their backwash/lipstick.

When you see the black abyss of Jim Lehrer’s lifeless eyes, which are lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll’s eyes ….

Cross yourself, tell everybody you didn’t know you were a Catholic, and chase a shot of whisky with a gulp of red wine.

When Lehrer first says that while he knows this was supposed to be a debate about Foreign Policy ….

Chug your entire beer or drain your glass and pour a shot for immediate consumption when he completes this with something along the lines of:

“But an extraordinary situation has developed within our financial system, something both of you know from your trip to the White House yesterday ….”

LIGHTNING ROUND:

When McCain says anything about his family:

Angrily drink half a beer or half a glass of wine and call your host a cunt.

When Obama stutters about some foreign-policy trick question probably about Israel:

Get on your knees, look to the East, and do a shot.

When McCain makes his first reference to being a prisoner of war:

Everybody get in a box and take a Vicodin.

At McCain’s second reference to being a POW:

Two shots, punch the person next to you in the biceps, demand a confession.

Third POW reference:

Five-and-a-half shots.

PRESCRIPTION FOR (GREATEST) DEPRESSION:

When McCain tries to articulate his non-existent economic policy and/or bailout plan:

Fight your friends for change under the couch cushions, pass around a joint because who can afford fancy store-bought booze anymore?

When Obama acknowledges that the financial crisis may limit the amount of Hope and Change his administration can afford:

Immediately finish off the best bottle of liquor in the house, because who the hell is ever going to see that again.

When McCain is unable to remember either the number of mansions, number of cars or number of millions he (and Cindy) own:

One Ambien, chased with one shot, followed with Metamucil dumped in a gin & tonic.

McCain actually has a muppet (probably Beaker) pop up next to him and do the talking:

Everybody do three lines of coke, take off your clothes and GET IN THE TANK.

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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87 comments

  1. LittlePig

    I would say have a shot each time WALNUTS! says “my friends”, but the number of alcohol poisoning deaths would be awfully high.

  2. Cogito Ergo Bibo

    Hey, Tunamelt. Repost your the link to your drinking game, too. I like having options for my alcoholic comas.

  3. shortsshortsshorts

    This is way to fucking hard to follow. Tunamelt needs to post her rules again. Wonkette rulez es way too smarts for mees.

  4. Lascauxcaveman

    I think your drinking game may get me forcibly removed from the school fund raising dinner I’ll be attending while the debate is on.

    Hopefully there won’t be any teevees there.

  5. J05H

    (calvinball edition – requires baseball bat)
    When McCain says “My Friends” more than 3 times in one run-on sentence, beat yourself in head with bat until you feel no pain. Works better than Cindy’s Vicodin.

  6. Larry Fine

    Jim Lehrer is an android, or an automaton, and he doesn’t need no stinkin alcohol. I’d like to Palin drunk and with her hair messed up.

  7. mr.november

    To add: whenever walnutz cries about obama not doing town halls, take a pull of bourbon, open your window and shout I’m drunk as hell and I am not going to watch the debate anymore.

  8. mattbolt

    I was just going to drink whenever McCain embarassed himself, but I’d have a hell of a time telling the ER doctors the next morning how I almost died of alcohol poisoning

  9. user-of-owls

    ATLANTA (AP)-Officials at the Centers for Disease Control refused to comment today on reports that they have put out an emergency recall notice requiring all Poison Control staffers to remain on duty nationwide tonight.

  10. stew

    Speaking of altered states, just heard McCain is on at least six different drugs (well, medications). The source is Glenn Greenwald who’s group is responsible for those “McCain’s dying” ads you’ve been seeing on teh teevee.

  11. shortsshortsshorts

    This drinking game seems like a really good way to lose friends and alienate acquaintances, so I recant my previous statement. I’M ALL IN.

  12. FMA

    I am deeply ashamed of all of you. This stuff isn’t some kind of game. Besides, the only way I’m going to be able to watch this crapfest is if I’m drunk before it starts.

  13. mattbolt

    I vote that after getting smashed on cheap grain liquor, Ken drunk-dials Matt Drudge and tells him he’s got a flashing-siren urgent story right here, in his PANTS. Developing…

  14. Dave J.

    You forgot the Holy Grail of the debate game: if Hopey uses the word “walnuts” while answering a question.

  15. Cogito Ergo Bibo

    [re=109908]mattbolt[/re]: If I drink 5 and a 1/2 martinis, I think I’ll need that health insurance. Your option sounds better.

  16. Viva la Cynthia

    The rules for the VP debate drinking game are going to be tough. What exactly counts as a stammer? Can we just drink every time Palin opens her mouth?

  17. AngryBlakGuy

    …Naaaaaaaaah! I think I will stick to my own drinking game, which is everytime John McCain opens his mouth take a shot!

  18. Kev-O-Tron

    I drank VERY heavily on election night 2004. The rules were simple: take as many drinks as there are electoral votes every time a state is called. By the time the night was half over I was drunk dialing the local tv stations to bitch about the coverage. Good times.

  19. Serolf Divad

    Sorry, but I’m not drinking anything every time McCain says “my friends” because… Jesus Fuck, people, how much liquor do you think I keep in the house anyway?

  20. PoliTacky

    [re=109868]stew[/re]: “McCain is on at least six different drugs (well, medications)”
    And hiding them all from Cindy is no mean feat, MyFriends!

  21. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=109946]Serolf Divad[/re]: Just keep a doctor present. We stocked up last night for this:
    18 pack Bud.
    1/5th of Jack.
    1/5th Gray Goose.
    Magnum bottle of Baileyana Firepeak Pinot Noir.

    Bring on the rhetoric, boys.

  22. this is why i left DC

    we’re all picking a word, and everytime mccain does his creepy smile we all do a tequila shot

  23. this is why i left DC

    we all picked a word (like iraq, or friends) and everytime mccain does his creepy smile we all take a tequila shot

  24. facehead

    [re=109844]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I agree, this is way too complicated. We need to postpone the debates til we study these rules carefully and test them. Even weddings have rehearsals.

  25. sezme

    [re=109979]facehead[/re]: I was trying to rehearse my drinking, and now I’m blind. Luckily I can touch-type while goosed out of my gourd.

  26. Beans

    [re=109846]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: School fundraiser.

    Look at it this way, if you follow the drinking game your naked table dance may pull in the biggest loot your school’s ever seen. Go for it!

  27. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=109997]Tawmn[/re]: If we run out of that amount of booze for three people, then I’ll probably be saying some of the most non-sensible shit on Wonkette tonight that surely I will be perma-banned. I can only hope Walnuts stays off the “My Friends” and “P.O.W.” topics.

  28. Beans

    [re=109856]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]:

    Not that Huckabee is bitter about not being veep. Does this guy realize he could own the south if he changed parties? Day-um. Down here in near-dixie we’ll take Democrats anyway they come at us.

  29. HuskyMescan

    [re=109974]this is why i left DC[/re]:

    I have a new bottle of Cazadores Reposado. We’re doing the same thing with:

    * mccain creepy smile or any sort of smile
    * O doing a long pause of 2 secs or more (hey, he thinks before he talks unlike McHasty)
    * pow or navy experience

    It’s tequila so I’m guess there’s going to be a knife murder at my house before the first half of the debate.

  30. HomoPolitico

    Amongst my friends we always played by the drink-for-your-issue rules. Some of these dont apply to a foreign policy/economics debate, but here are a few…

    Any mention of Isreal: All jews (zionist or no) take a shot of Manishewitz. Say the shma and forcefully occupy the seat of the person to your right.

    “Marriage is…”: All queers drink an appletini. Sodomize the person to your left.

    Environment: All the hippies cry tears as bitter and polluted as our nations waterways into their microbrew. Drink bitter polluted microbrew.

  31. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    A few extra rules. Use at your own risk:

    If McCain uses the word “bomb” in the same sentence as “Iran.” Face Mecca, ululate, and take a hit off the Hookah.

    If McCain uses the word “nuke” in the same sentence as “Iran.” Set off your explosive vest.

    If McCain uses the word “nuke” together with any other country. Down your cheap American beer and kiss your ass goodbye. If the person to your right is attractive, feel free to also kiss their ass.

    Any time McCain defends Sarah Palin’s foriegn policy expierence, do a shot of Vodka followed by a Molsons.

    If McCain says he will rely on the counsel of Sarah Palin, Chug a Molson followed by a bottle of Vodka. Keep drinking until you can see Russia from your couch.

    McCain mentions Reagan. Shot of bourbon with a jelly bean floating on top.

    McCain bares his teeth and gets snappy. One shot of every alcohol available.

    Obama’s answer to the question “What is wrong with Bush’s Foreign Policy” by saying “Honkeys.” Down your Malt Liquor.

    If Obama says that World War II would have gone better if someone had just sat down and listen to Hitler. Two glasses of Manishevitz.

    Obama lights up a cigerette to give himself a chance to think of an answer. Hit the crack pipe.

    Obama gives a long, thoughtful answer that takes in all the nuance of real life foreign affairs and directly answers the question, but causes 85% of the country to fall asleep. Drop two ambien in your beer and sleep hump the person next to you.

    Obama sites to any intellectual of the Sixties. Three major bong hits.

    [re=109946]Serolf Divad[/re]: Apparently Ken wants to kill us all.

  32. Beans

    The navy’s loaned him a fighter jet so he can zoom in to save the nation from myriad disasters. You’ll know when he arrives in Mississippi because he’ll the one crashing into the Mississippi. (I love typing Mississippi and challenging myself not to think. M-straight letter, crooked letter, crooked letter, etc.)

  33. facehead

    The holy grail of the drinking game:

    If, at any point, McCain calls Obama a “nigger” you drink an entire bottle of Jaggermeister, get a rope and lynch yourself on the nearest tree.

  34. TeddyS

    Halfway through the debate, Palin will announce she is pregnant again and is divorcing her husband to marry Levi. McCain chooses himself to also be the vice presidential candidate, citing his long experience. I open another six-pack, wondering if there is enough beer in the world to get us through the next forty-whatever days.

  35. sarcasticusername

    thank god for walnuts and his maverickness, that trip to the liquor store to waste away what little money my unemployed self still has is back on!

  36. Giant Robot

    I’m hoping to buy a little weed off my neighbor… I’m starting on black rum and Moxie (a New England thing) at 4:30, toking up at 8:15, then hitting Old Crow on the rocks during the debate. Of course I’m saving most of the whiskey and all my tequila for October 2. I appreciate the Wonkette game, but drinking is something I take much too seriously to ever make a game of it.

  37. surplusj

    This is all well and good, but I just hope there’s a Wonkette Official Veep Debate Drinking Game. If I don’t have guidelines for my booze consumption that night, I may seriously die. Of all the booze. That I’m drinking to numb the pain. Of the Veep Debate. And its pain.

  38. slithytoves

    People, I need something easier than this because I am assuming I will be many sheets to the wind before the debate even starts.

  39. slithytoves

    [re=110146]tunamelt[/re]: Thank you. I’ve printed it out so, discountng the possibility of alcohol induced blindness, I should be able to follow the rules.

  40. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=110146]tunamelt[/re]: I circulated your drinking game among a 30 person email list. There’s going to be a shortage of alcohol in Northern Cal tonight.

  41. tunamelt

    [re=110185]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I’ve got SoCal covered. Only the hicks in Central will be able to buy booze tomorrow, and they’re all robotripping so who cares.

  42. GerryMander

    I’m thinking of replacing the alcohol with caffeine, particularly Red Bull and espresso – I plan on emitting sparks and peeling off my own skin by 9:30.

  43. teebob2000

    [re=109860]Larry Fine: I’d like to Palin drunk and with her hair messed up.[/re]

    She’s clearly be a fun drunken fuck. I’ll bet she tries to lick everything.

  44. MissKLEO

    i play this with my friends of both parties, except mccain supporters drink metamucil and obama supporters drink baby’s blood.

Comments are closed.