Whew, that was close. Goofy old national joke John “Walnuts!” McCain had threatened to skip tonight’s debate unless he, uh, solved the Financial Crisis. Luckily for us, the 500-year-old clown can’t “keep his word” for more than a few minutes, so of course he’ll be at the debate tonight, unless he changes his mind again, which happens often when you can’t remember what you just said and have no idea what you’re talking about, anyway. So, huzzah, we will get to drink on a Friday night after all! Get out your iPhone or whatever and make a shopping list, because it’s time for Wonkette’s Famous Debate Drinking Game!
RULES & DEREGULATIONS: “Drink” means a hit off your beer or wine, or a shot of spirits — unless we specify what you are to drink. If you lack the specified spirit, just have two gulps of whatever you’ve got in your hand — unless it’s a penis in your hand. Save that for later: We are in a crisis. You may substitute whatever pills — except vitamins — or smoke your marijuana or whatever when the Game requires you to consume a specific pill. Generics are acceptable only if you can afford the name brand. “Thrift” is the new style for those with Health Care! (Or a good Rx dealer.)
Whenever John McCain says “My Friends”:
Two drinks (or one shot), poke the breast of the person to your right and smile creepily.
When Barack Obama shakes his head with dignity:
Shake your own head with dignity, take the beverage from the person to your left, and tell them to go get you a new drink because you are not going to get AIDS from their backwash/lipstick.
When you see the black abyss of Jim Lehrer’s lifeless eyes, which are lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll’s eyes ….
Cross yourself, tell everybody you didn’t know you were a Catholic, and chase a shot of whisky with a gulp of red wine.
When Lehrer first says that while he knows this was supposed to be a debate about Foreign Policy ….
Chug your entire beer or drain your glass and pour a shot for immediate consumption when he completes this with something along the lines of:
“But an extraordinary situation has developed within our financial system, something both of you know from your trip to the White House yesterday ….”
When McCain says anything about his family:
Angrily drink half a beer or half a glass of wine and call your host a cunt.
When Obama stutters about some foreign-policy trick question probably about Israel:
Get on your knees, look to the East, and do a shot.
When McCain makes his first reference to being a prisoner of war:
Everybody get in a box and take a Vicodin.
At McCain’s second reference to being a POW:
Two shots, punch the person next to you in the biceps, demand a confession.
Third POW reference:
PRESCRIPTION FOR (GREATEST) DEPRESSION:
When McCain tries to articulate his non-existent economic policy and/or bailout plan:
Fight your friends for change under the couch cushions, pass around a joint because who can afford fancy store-bought booze anymore?
When Obama acknowledges that the financial crisis may limit the amount of Hope and Change his administration can afford:
Immediately finish off the best bottle of liquor in the house, because who the hell is ever going to see that again.
When McCain is unable to remember either the number of mansions, number of cars or number of millions he (and Cindy) own:
One Ambien, chased with one shot, followed with Metamucil dumped in a gin & tonic.
McCain actually has a muppet (probably Beaker) pop up next to him and do the talking:
Everybody do three lines of coke, take off your clothes and GET IN THE TANK.