john mccain

Well, That’s One Definition of ‘Wins Debate’

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For the win!Here, on this Wall Street Journal web page featuring this op-ed by Henry Paulson’s wife “John Paulson,” a curious advertisement appeared. It was this one, captured by Wonkette Operative “Evan W.,” so now you know! McCain Wins Debate! He wins by … uh, refusing to even say if he’ll show up! Maverick! And look how he suspended the campaign and all! Jesus christ …. [WSJ]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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  • Serolf Divad

    *against Sarah Palin.

  • ihasasad

    It was paid for by McCain (Cindy-Beer) and Palin – with her dirty money that came from corrupt bags of elephant poo. Money talks and buys winz!

  • Canmon (the Inadequate)

    Those teeth should not be shown in front of a white background.

  • DoctorCulturae

    Great! McSchlub wins the debate! They should hold the victory party in Darfur!

  • loquaciousmusic

    That McCain is a masterdebater, that’s for sure.

  • FMA

    Jeebus Christ, it’s only a little after 10:30 and I’ve already reached my recommended daily allowance of bullshit.

  • Cogito Ergo Bibo

    Did Grampy hire the people who told Dubya to proclaim “mission accomplished”? I’m thinking it’s considered polite to actually hold a debate, prior to declaring a winner. But I’m just crazy that way.

  • ihasasad

    [re=109406]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]: MURDER YELLOW TEETH!!

  • Hairy Reed

    Dewey defeats Truman!

  • whore4hope

    Someone’s drunk

  • Cogito Ergo Bibo

    [re=109412]FMA[/re]: Seriously. I may start trying to revive the great tradition of the 3-martini lunch, today.

  • charrington

    [re=109421]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]:…throw in a couple Ativan and I’m all in.

  • Tommy Says So

    …to the question of Who has the stupidest Veep pick in world history?

    Walnuts to your mother!

  • ihasasad

    Am I losing my mind, or did the newspaper cartoons just disappear? What are you trying to hide?? I already looked at them, so there!

  • SayItWithWookies

    He won by not showing up? I hope he wins the presidency by doing the same thing.

  • Cogito Ergo Bibo

    [re=109425]charrington[/re]: You haz? Drug-pooling is encouraged, since probably none of us have decent health insurance. You’re hearby invited.

  • tunamelt

    [re=109421]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: That is the best idea ever. Gin.

  • charrington

    [re=109432]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: Thanks to Wal-tucky-Mart…generic lorazapam $4.00 for 30… that works out to $2.00 a day or so…

  • mattbolt

    I wish sports worked this way.
    “So coach, ready for the big game against the Yankees tomorrow?”
    “Nah. We already won. We bought an ad that says so and everything. The score was 5-3 and it was a great game.”

  • Gin Bucket

    Betwixt the wall-eye and the yellow teeth lies madness.

  • DoctorCulturae

    [re=109434]charrington[/re]: But can you spread that out over the next 10-20 years?

  • medievalist

    “I won the debate,” exclaimed the crazy old man before he slipped back into the rip in the space-time continuum and returned to his parallel world where everything is much, much different than here.

  • mattbolt

    You elitists and your martinis! True American good-ol’-boys just have 3-spraypaint-cans-huffed lunches.

  • Cogito Ergo Bibo

    [re=109433]tunamelt[/re]: Ahhh. Another gin-lover. Vodka just ain’t right in a true martini.

    [re=109434]charrington[/re]: Wow. If I didn’t feel as if I need a shower, every time I leave that place, I’d look into it. Our Walmart is just icky. Tar-jay rulez.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Come’on. McCain views the debate like the Cold War. He won because he didn’t go DebateCom One on Barry Unicorn’s ass.

  • mattbolt

    There’s three kinds of martini drinkers. The Martini Moron thinks that any delicious mixed drinks served in triangular glasses that end in “tini” are martinis, with examples including the Chocotini, Appletini and Crantini (note: the Martini Traditionalist wants this person murdered.) The Martini Average Joe thinks martinis can have either vodka or gin mixed with a varying amount of dry vermouth and an olive if desired. The Martini Traditionalist is a huge asshole who won’t shut up about the proper way to make a martini and gets irrationally angry over how people make a dumb mixed drink, and does cutesy gimmicks to prove how dry they like their martinis like “pouring the vermouth in a glass and then dumping it out” or “5 parts gin and nodding at a bottle of vermouth” or anything not to admit that they’re just assholes who want a cold glass of straight gin.

  • professor.cj

    Damn libruls. The ad is clearly referencing a debate he had in 1984 against a seven year old regarding the age-old question of How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop? At the end of which, the seven year old was never heard from again and John McCain had a delicious piece of candy. Tonight’s scheduled debate is in no way mentioned in that ad. Libruls.

  • Doglessliberal

    [re=109445]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: Hendrick’s martini, up, with two olives. Yes, I know, I know, am an elitist. At least I don’t ask for it with arugula.

  • Gimpson

    Just like WOPR taught us, the only to win is not to play the game.

  • Walter Sobchak

    [re=109421]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: I don’t know what you mean by “revive,” around here that’s SOP.

  • OffTheRecord

    Okay, I have a serious debate question that I need an answer for. Please forgive the momentary lapse of snark.

    If Walnuts doesn’t show, what happens? Can the moderator just interview Obama? First Read said something about the debate not happening if McCain doesn’t show because it would be an illegal contribution, but I couldn’t look at the story they linked to at work because it is a video.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    Hey it worked for George. Why not arbitrarily force an audacious and illogical conclusion. MAVERICK!

  • tunamelt

    [re=109461]mattbolt[/re]: I’m the last one.

    [re=109466]Doglessliberal[/re]: Hendrick’s gin. Yes.

  • Herunar

    John McCain won the debate FIVE AND A HALF YEARS AGO, Alan!

  • thejames

    I fixed that McCain picture for you:

    Myspace Glitter Graphics

  • Doglessliberal

    [re=109471]OffTheRecord[/re]: I heard somewhere (some news source) that Obama said he would take audience questions like in a town hall meeting.

  • Cronopio

    I have one Tylenol-3 that I’ve been saving…

    And Offtherecord, I’ve heard that, too, but if it were a legitimate argument, I think it would have surfaced by now — I’ve been listening to BBC/NPR for hours and haven’t heard a whiff of it.

  • Cogito Ergo Bibo

    [re=109466]Doglessliberal[/re]: I’m a Sapphire girl. Definitely olives. Often dirrrty-style. With martini’s too.

    [re=109470]Walter Sobchak[/re]: I want your job.

  • thejames

    [re=109445]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: Plymouth or Juniper Green; Noilly-Prat or Vya; straight up, 6/1, an olive or a twist depending whether I’m feeling Glad (twist) or Grim (Olive.)

  • Tommy Says So

    You cretian, for SEVEN and a half years in Chinatown Walnuts didn’t even have a debate to win!
    And the laundry service, surprisingly, was very poor.

  • thejames

    Dammit, I fixed that McCain picture for you:

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …WoW, I cant wait to see the ad they run when Sara Palin is turned into a quivering mass of caribou jello in her debate next week?

  • Cogito Ergo Bibo

    [re=109489]thejames[/re]: So you’re stocking up on olives these days, I presume. I know I am.

    Great find: it may seem weird, but I really like the jalapeno stuffed olives in my elitest gin martini. Gives it a nice dangerous kick.

  • Cogito Ergo Bibo

    [re=109493]thejames[/re]: Nice Blingee! My doctor will be billing you for my seizure meds.

  • tunamelt

    [re=109496]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Yes, because there’s no way they’re canceling that debate…

  • ManchuCandidate

    [re=109421]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]:
    Gin. Bombay or Tanquary
    I like a dash of vermouth and a lemon twist.

    But at this moment, I think I’ll just drink out of the bottle.

  • Golitely

    Yeah, but…don’t you know that a candidates qualifications and readiness to lead and manage the country as President are INVERSELY PROPORTIONAL to his or her ability to run a coherent campaign like getting the right slide for your nationally televised powerpoint or having an ad placed in a major news outlet on the right day or frantically change course constantly.

    That kind of incompetence merely proves he is focused on getting the REAL job done.

    ANYbody can like, do everything well in their campaign. It doesn’t indicate anything about management skills. Isn’t that obvious?

  • S.Luggo

    The debate was: hogging the spotlight vs. political opportunism.
    McNuggests won both sides of the debate.

    Next debate: When Metamucil stops working, should it be bran, stewed prunes, or both?

  • brainfreeze

    loquaciousmusic: if you say “masterdebater” 10 times fast, it sounds like another word altogether. I want Barack Obama to call McCain a “masterdebater” a bunch of times tonight, pausing to chuckle each time he says it.

  • Miller

    Of course he did, who are you to argue with a web ad? With the way his campaign is run I’m not so certain he just won’t skip the debate and then spend the next day saying he went and kicked ass.

  • Johnny Zhivago

    [re=109532]brainfreeze[/re]: Obama needs to prod McCain into something like this:

  • lawrenceofthedesert

    [re=109485]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: I know by “Sapphire” you meant gin, but it reminded me of that no-nonsense African American character on t.v. many, many years ago who would have said, “John McCain’t, you’re shiftless, two-faced, fascist, scheming, immoral and pompous — and those are your good points!”

  • V572625694

    [re=109421]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: I am so there.


    Someone at Obama’s office needs to capture that ad. Blow it up onto a full size poster. Have Obama bring it to the debate. Have Obama answer the first question (what ever it is) by whipping it out (the poster I mean) and asking “Haven’t we already had a President who declares ‘Mission Accomplished’ before the job is done?”

    Double points if McNutz doesn’t even show up.

  • Godot

    Whoa there Walnuts! Spoiler alert, maybe?

  • Sara in the West

    [re=109610]WIDTAP[/re]: That would make it the best debate ever.

  • z7q2

    Hello! Felt compelled to register to share this:

  • Tawmn

    I didn’t see a flashing blue and red siren, so I don’t believe it.

  • sarcasticusername

    kind of like he fixed everything in DC yesterday? oh yeah wait that’s right…he fucked it all up.

  • Sussemilch
  • voyetra8
  • voyetra8

    [re=109718]z7q2[/re]: I snorted when I saw that. Well done.


    [re=109718]z7q2[/re]: Looks like the villain in the next Punisher movie.

  • OzoneTom

    [re=109461]mattbolt[/re]: Which kind drinks Wonkettinis?

    [re=109489]thejames[/re]: Vya? That hand-made stuff is pretty elitist! Which is a good thing.

    Me? T-10, Junipero, or original Bombay, Noilly-Prat (Yeah! it’s French!), three pimento olives. Stirred.

    No vodka. Ciroc makes a nice Gibson though.

  • darbyogill

    [re=109718]z7q2[/re]: McCain looks like that because he is a SPASE MAN FROM THE FUTOR!!!!

    If your precious Hopey Unicorn had a time machine, maybe he could win the debate too — haha, suckas!


    I changed my mind on how to handles this. No full size poster.

    Instead in answer to the first question Obama should say:

    “Thanks Robert. First, I am very happy to be here tonight. I must confess, however to be a little nervous about this debate, since I read in the advertisement of the Wall Street Journal that my distinguished colleague has already won. That’s quite an underdog position to be in, but I will still try to do my best tonight.

    Now in answer to your question….

  • Borat

    [re=109464]professor.cj[/re]: I’m confused. Which part was Walnuts candy? The tootsie roll or the GOP style kid?

  • z7q2

    glad you all liked it :) I’ll try and entertain you more in the future

  • larz

    I’m finding it somewhat refreshing this election season to see that SNL no longer needs writers. Walnuts and Mooseburgers are doing it for free.