JOHN MCCAIN  10:30 am September 26, 2008

Well, That’s One Definition of ‘Wins Debate’

by Ken Layne

For the win!Here, on this Wall Street Journal web page featuring this op-ed by Henry Paulson’s wife “John Paulson,” a curious advertisement appeared. It was this one, captured by Wonkette Operative “Evan W.,” so now you know! McCain Wins Debate! He wins by … uh, refusing to even say if he’ll show up! Maverick! And look how he suspended the campaign and all! Jesus christ …. [WSJ]

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Serolf Divad September 26, 2008 at 10:33 am

*against Sarah Palin.

ihasasad September 26, 2008 at 10:34 am

It was paid for by McCain (Cindy-Beer) and Palin – with her dirty money that came from corrupt bags of elephant poo. Money talks and buys winz!

Canmon (the Inadequate) September 26, 2008 at 10:35 am

Those teeth should not be shown in front of a white background.

DoctorCulturae September 26, 2008 at 10:35 am

Great! McSchlub wins the debate! They should hold the victory party in Darfur!

loquaciousmusic September 26, 2008 at 10:36 am

That McCain is a masterdebater, that’s for sure.

FMA September 26, 2008 at 10:36 am

Jeebus Christ, it’s only a little after 10:30 and I’ve already reached my recommended daily allowance of bullshit.

Cogito Ergo Bibo September 26, 2008 at 10:37 am

Did Grampy hire the people who told Dubya to proclaim “mission accomplished”? I’m thinking it’s considered polite to actually hold a debate, prior to declaring a winner. But I’m just crazy that way.

ihasasad September 26, 2008 at 10:37 am

[re=109406]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]: MURDER YELLOW TEETH!!

Hairy Reed September 26, 2008 at 10:37 am

Dewey defeats Truman!

whore4hope September 26, 2008 at 10:39 am

Someone’s drunk

Cogito Ergo Bibo September 26, 2008 at 10:39 am

[re=109412]FMA[/re]: Seriously. I may start trying to revive the great tradition of the 3-martini lunch, today.

charrington September 26, 2008 at 10:41 am

[re=109421]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]:…throw in a couple Ativan and I’m all in.

Tommy Says So September 26, 2008 at 10:41 am

…to the question of Who has the stupidest Veep pick in world history?

Walnuts to your mother!

ihasasad September 26, 2008 at 10:42 am

Am I losing my mind, or did the newspaper cartoons just disappear? What are you trying to hide?? I already looked at them, so there!

SayItWithWookies September 26, 2008 at 10:43 am

He won by not showing up? I hope he wins the presidency by doing the same thing.

Cogito Ergo Bibo September 26, 2008 at 10:43 am

[re=109425]charrington[/re]: You haz? Drug-pooling is encouraged, since probably none of us have decent health insurance. You’re hearby invited.

tunamelt September 26, 2008 at 10:45 am

[re=109421]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: That is the best idea ever. Gin.

charrington September 26, 2008 at 10:45 am

[re=109432]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: Thanks to Wal-tucky-Mart…generic lorazapam $4.00 for 30… that works out to $2.00 a day or so…

mattbolt September 26, 2008 at 10:46 am

I wish sports worked this way.
“So coach, ready for the big game against the Yankees tomorrow?”
“Nah. We already won. We bought an ad that says so and everything. The score was 5-3 and it was a great game.”

Gin Bucket September 26, 2008 at 10:47 am

Betwixt the wall-eye and the yellow teeth lies madness.

DoctorCulturae September 26, 2008 at 10:47 am

[re=109434]charrington[/re]: But can you spread that out over the next 10-20 years?

medievalist September 26, 2008 at 10:47 am

“I won the debate,” exclaimed the crazy old man before he slipped back into the rip in the space-time continuum and returned to his parallel world where everything is much, much different than here.

mattbolt September 26, 2008 at 10:48 am

You elitists and your martinis! True American good-ol’-boys just have 3-spraypaint-cans-huffed lunches.

Cogito Ergo Bibo September 26, 2008 at 10:49 am

[re=109433]tunamelt[/re]: Ahhh. Another gin-lover. Vodka just ain’t right in a true martini.

[re=109434]charrington[/re]: Wow. If I didn’t feel as if I need a shower, every time I leave that place, I’d look into it. Our Walmart is just icky. Tar-jay rulez.

ManchuCandidate September 26, 2008 at 10:53 am

Come’on. McCain views the debate like the Cold War. He won because he didn’t go DebateCom One on Barry Unicorn’s ass.

mattbolt September 26, 2008 at 10:54 am

There’s three kinds of martini drinkers. The Martini Moron thinks that any delicious mixed drinks served in triangular glasses that end in “tini” are martinis, with examples including the Chocotini, Appletini and Crantini (note: the Martini Traditionalist wants this person murdered.) The Martini Average Joe thinks martinis can have either vodka or gin mixed with a varying amount of dry vermouth and an olive if desired. The Martini Traditionalist is a huge asshole who won’t shut up about the proper way to make a martini and gets irrationally angry over how people make a dumb mixed drink, and does cutesy gimmicks to prove how dry they like their martinis like “pouring the vermouth in a glass and then dumping it out” or “5 parts gin and nodding at a bottle of vermouth” or anything not to admit that they’re just assholes who want a cold glass of straight gin.

professor.cj September 26, 2008 at 10:56 am

Damn libruls. The ad is clearly referencing a debate he had in 1984 against a seven year old regarding the age-old question of How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop? At the end of which, the seven year old was never heard from again and John McCain had a delicious piece of candy. Tonight’s scheduled debate is in no way mentioned in that ad. Libruls.

Doglessliberal September 26, 2008 at 10:56 am

[re=109445]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: Hendrick’s martini, up, with two olives. Yes, I know, I know, am an elitist. At least I don’t ask for it with arugula.

Gimpson September 26, 2008 at 10:57 am

Just like WOPR taught us, the only to win is not to play the game.

Walter Sobchak September 26, 2008 at 10:57 am

[re=109421]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: I don’t know what you mean by “revive,” around here that’s SOP.

OffTheRecord September 26, 2008 at 10:58 am

Okay, I have a serious debate question that I need an answer for. Please forgive the momentary lapse of snark.

If Walnuts doesn’t show, what happens? Can the moderator just interview Obama? First Read said something about the debate not happening if McCain doesn’t show because it would be an illegal contribution, but I couldn’t look at the story they linked to at work because it is a video.

shortsshortsshorts September 26, 2008 at 10:59 am

Hey it worked for George. Why not arbitrarily force an audacious and illogical conclusion. MAVERICK!

tunamelt September 26, 2008 at 11:00 am

[re=109461]mattbolt[/re]: I’m the last one.

[re=109466]Doglessliberal[/re]: Hendrick’s gin. Yes.

Herunar September 26, 2008 at 11:01 am

John McCain won the debate FIVE AND A HALF YEARS AGO, Alan!

thejames September 26, 2008 at 11:02 am

I fixed that McCain picture for you:

Myspace Glitter Graphics

Doglessliberal September 26, 2008 at 11:02 am

[re=109471]OffTheRecord[/re]: I heard somewhere (some news source) that Obama said he would take audience questions like in a town hall meeting.

Cronopio September 26, 2008 at 11:02 am

I have one Tylenol-3 that I’ve been saving…

And Offtherecord, I’ve heard that, too, but if it were a legitimate argument, I think it would have surfaced by now — I’ve been listening to BBC/NPR for hours and haven’t heard a whiff of it.

Cogito Ergo Bibo September 26, 2008 at 11:03 am

[re=109466]Doglessliberal[/re]: I’m a Sapphire girl. Definitely olives. Often dirrrty-style. With martini’s too.

[re=109470]Walter Sobchak[/re]: I want your job.

thejames September 26, 2008 at 11:05 am

[re=109445]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: Plymouth or Juniper Green; Noilly-Prat or Vya; straight up, 6/1, an olive or a twist depending whether I’m feeling Glad (twist) or Grim (Olive.)

Tommy Says So September 26, 2008 at 11:05 am

You cretian, for SEVEN and a half years in Chinatown Walnuts didn’t even have a debate to win!
And the laundry service, surprisingly, was very poor.

thejames September 26, 2008 at 11:06 am

Dammit, I fixed that McCain picture for you:

AngryBlakGuy September 26, 2008 at 11:07 am

…WoW, I cant wait to see the ad they run when Sara Palin is turned into a quivering mass of caribou jello in her debate next week?

Cogito Ergo Bibo September 26, 2008 at 11:10 am

[re=109489]thejames[/re]: So you’re stocking up on olives these days, I presume. I know I am.

Great find: it may seem weird, but I really like the jalapeno stuffed olives in my elitest gin martini. Gives it a nice dangerous kick.

Cogito Ergo Bibo September 26, 2008 at 11:11 am

[re=109493]thejames[/re]: Nice Blingee! My doctor will be billing you for my seizure meds.

tunamelt September 26, 2008 at 11:12 am

[re=109496]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Yes, because there’s no way they’re canceling that debate…

ManchuCandidate September 26, 2008 at 11:12 am

[re=109421]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]:
Gin. Bombay or Tanquary
I like a dash of vermouth and a lemon twist.

But at this moment, I think I’ll just drink out of the bottle.

Golitely September 26, 2008 at 11:13 am

Yeah, but…don’t you know that a candidates qualifications and readiness to lead and manage the country as President are INVERSELY PROPORTIONAL to his or her ability to run a coherent campaign like getting the right slide for your nationally televised powerpoint or having an ad placed in a major news outlet on the right day or frantically change course constantly.

That kind of incompetence merely proves he is focused on getting the REAL job done.

ANYbody can like, do everything well in their campaign. It doesn’t indicate anything about management skills. Isn’t that obvious?

S.Luggo September 26, 2008 at 11:18 am

The debate was: hogging the spotlight vs. political opportunism.
McNuggests won both sides of the debate.

Next debate: When Metamucil stops working, should it be bran, stewed prunes, or both?

brainfreeze September 26, 2008 at 11:18 am

loquaciousmusic: if you say “masterdebater” 10 times fast, it sounds like another word altogether. I want Barack Obama to call McCain a “masterdebater” a bunch of times tonight, pausing to chuckle each time he says it.

Miller September 26, 2008 at 11:31 am

Of course he did, who are you to argue with a web ad? With the way his campaign is run I’m not so certain he just won’t skip the debate and then spend the next day saying he went and kicked ass.

Johnny Zhivago September 26, 2008 at 11:36 am

[re=109532]brainfreeze[/re]: Obama needs to prod McCain into something like this:

lawrenceofthedesert September 26, 2008 at 11:40 am

[re=109485]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: I know by “Sapphire” you meant gin, but it reminded me of that no-nonsense African American character on t.v. many, many years ago who would have said, “John McCain’t, you’re shiftless, two-faced, fascist, scheming, immoral and pompous — and those are your good points!”

V572625694 September 26, 2008 at 11:41 am

[re=109421]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: I am so there.

WIDTAP September 26, 2008 at 11:45 am

Someone at Obama’s office needs to capture that ad. Blow it up onto a full size poster. Have Obama bring it to the debate. Have Obama answer the first question (what ever it is) by whipping it out (the poster I mean) and asking “Haven’t we already had a President who declares ‘Mission Accomplished’ before the job is done?”

Double points if McNutz doesn’t even show up.

Godot September 26, 2008 at 11:47 am

Whoa there Walnuts! Spoiler alert, maybe?

Sara in the West September 26, 2008 at 12:02 pm

[re=109610]WIDTAP[/re]: That would make it the best debate ever.

z7q2 September 26, 2008 at 12:21 pm

Hello! Felt compelled to register to share this:

Tawmn September 26, 2008 at 12:27 pm

I didn’t see a flashing blue and red siren, so I don’t believe it.

sarcasticusername September 26, 2008 at 1:04 pm

kind of like he fixed everything in DC yesterday? oh yeah wait that’s right…he fucked it all up.

Sussemilch September 26, 2008 at 1:09 pm
voyetra8 September 26, 2008 at 1:09 pm
voyetra8 September 26, 2008 at 1:10 pm

[re=109718]z7q2[/re]: I snorted when I saw that. Well done.

WIDTAP September 26, 2008 at 1:19 pm

[re=109718]z7q2[/re]: Looks like the villain in the next Punisher movie.

OzoneTom September 26, 2008 at 1:41 pm

[re=109461]mattbolt[/re]: Which kind drinks Wonkettinis?

[re=109489]thejames[/re]: Vya? That hand-made stuff is pretty elitist! Which is a good thing.

Me? T-10, Junipero, or original Bombay, Noilly-Prat (Yeah! it’s French!), three pimento olives. Stirred.

No vodka. Ciroc makes a nice Gibson though.

darbyogill September 26, 2008 at 2:41 pm

[re=109718]z7q2[/re]: McCain looks like that because he is a SPASE MAN FROM THE FUTOR!!!!

If your precious Hopey Unicorn had a time machine, maybe he could win the debate too — haha, suckas!

WIDTAP September 26, 2008 at 4:01 pm

I changed my mind on how to handles this. No full size poster.

Instead in answer to the first question Obama should say:

“Thanks Robert. First, I am very happy to be here tonight. I must confess, however to be a little nervous about this debate, since I read in the advertisement of the Wall Street Journal that my distinguished colleague has already won. That’s quite an underdog position to be in, but I will still try to do my best tonight.

Now in answer to your question….

Borat September 26, 2008 at 6:45 pm

[re=109464]professor.cj[/re]: I’m confused. Which part was Walnuts candy? The tootsie roll or the GOP style kid?

z7q2 September 26, 2008 at 7:56 pm

glad you all liked it :) I’ll try and entertain you more in the future

larz October 3, 2008 at 9:41 pm

I’m finding it somewhat refreshing this election season to see that SNL no longer needs writers. Walnuts and Mooseburgers are doing it for free.

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