illiterates

John McCain Too Busy Saving Economy To Read Bailout Plan

Two days ago John McCain admitted he hadn’t read Hank Paulson’s bailout plan yet. Paulson’s plan was written in words, after all, and these desperate times call for ACTION, not elitist do-nothing words. John McCain will mime his own bailout solution before Congress on Friday during the presidential debate. [YouTube via TPM]

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Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

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97 comments

  1. Terry

    Let’s see. He was elected to the House in 1982 and the Senate in 1986. How many pieces of legislation do you think he’s actually read in all those years? 3-4, including those on which he was a supposed major author/supporter? Honey, that’s what staff is for. McCain is the face, the talent.

  2. StripesAndPlaids

    If I can be serious here for a moment, for 5 and a half years I had no writings. I had no paper. I had no paper.

  3. MoodProcessor

    So, in terms of interperative dance, how does one bail?
    Or maybe, with his left hand he form a circle with thumb and index finger, and inserts the index finger of the right hand into the ring. Then points at the camera while humming “America the Beautiful.”

  4. Texan Bulldoggette

    Errr…how do you think he managed to graduate 894 out of 899 or so students at the Naval Academy? He probably bullied underclassmen to write his papers & it’s comical to picture a young Walnuts (Pecan maybe?) trying to look at other students’ papers during test time. Book learning is for teh pussies, right?

  5. 4tehlulz

    >>John McCain Too Busy Saving Economy To Read Bailout Plan

    Or not.

    Democrats fear this morning that McCain is setting up a scenario in which he will vote against the bill, rally conservatives to his side and, most importantly, distance himself from both President Bush and Congress before the election.

    If he votes no, according to Sarah Palin, McCain is objectively supporting the Great Depression 2: Electric Boogaloo.

  6. StripesAndPlaids

    [re=107811]V572625694[/re]: “Well, it is 853 words. ” Holy crap.That is $820,633,060 a word. Isn’t that more than Wonkette editor make?

  7. Strictly for the Tardcore

    WALNUTS! doesn’t need to read legislation he’s signing off on! WALNUTS! is crazy! WALNUTS!’ll do this, WALNUTS!’ll do that… WALNUTS!’ll bite into this main power cable!!!

  8. ManchuCandidate

    Walnuts Top 5 Not Read List
    1) NATOPS flight manual for A-4 Skyhawk. He missed the part about how dangerous a Wet Start (starting an engine with fuel in the tailpipe) is on a flight deck filled with jets loaded with fuel and weapons.
    2) Attack Pilot 101: neglected to read part about NOT flying over the target a 2nd time while low and slow
    3) Ethics for Dummies: there is not such thing as something for nothing
    4) Marriage 101: the part about not cheating on your wife and “for better or for worse.”
    5) Presdential VP Vetting: the part about actually vetting a candidate

  9. AngryBlakGuy

    [re=107833]ManchuCandidate[/re]: …we he did read the preface of “Anger Management” and “Computers for Dummies”!

  10. chaste everywhere

    He’s only trying to avoid Friday night because he was told he would end up looking like a masterdebater.

  11. grendel

    Fourth, we must help families who are struggling to stay in their homes. We cannot bail out Wall Street without helping millions of families facing foreclosure on Main Street.

    Why am I bailing out someone who thought they could afford a $2 million house when they make $50K? Let’s turn those McMansions into legalized government-run brothels and make our $700 Billion back… Where’s my money, bitch?!

  12. V572625694

    [re=107842]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: But wait…I thought rhetoric is made of words. Well, I did until I read a transcript of Snowbunny’s interview w/Couric. Then I realized rhetoric is, apparently, now defined as meaningless strings of vocables appended to each other without any underlying meaning. All hail President Chimpy for one of his many accomplishments!

  13. Hunter Gathers

    [re=107831]Strictly for the Tardcore[/re]: Excellent Hulk reference. God that flick was an abortion. I’ve seen shitty porn that was better than that. Walnuts don’t need to read anything. All he has to do is harness the awesome power of his mind and any crisis is solved. I wonder if we can get him to start work on some sort of hyperdrive system. So I can transport myself off of this rock. I hear Alpha Centauri is beautiful this time of year. And they have some bomb ass weed.

  14. PoliTacky

    Sure, sure, it’s only 853 words, but when they’re in triple-large senior-sized typeface, that turns into 14 pages!

  15. Cogito Ergo Bibo

    [re=107854]V572625694[/re]: Have you ever read transcripts of any of Bible Spice’s interviews? It’s hilarious to watch the transcriber struggle with the complete lack of syntax, sentence structure or complete thoughts, for that matter. It’s all a big, rambly mess.

  16. Cape Clod

    [re=107839]PrairiePossum[/re]:
    ‘The plan was only 3 pages long. Couldn’t he have found time to skim it while taking his morning crap?’

    He was planning to read it, but he was out of toilet paper.

  17. llyn

    [re=107823]4tehlulz[/re]: “Democrats fear M is setting up a scenario . . .” Oh, dear sweet Jesus, that sounds all too likely. Maybe that would be reckless enough to make some of the more sensible Republicans (if such there be) decide to stay home on election day? Naw, no hope. I wish I could afford to emigrate. Unfortunately (fortunately), we have a home here and no mortgage on it.

  18. Delicious

    I’ve figured it out! Sarah Palin doesn’t need to know shit about anything.

    She’s going to bring world peace by giving a piece to world leaders.

    From CNN:

    Pakistan’s recently-elected president, Asif Ali Zardari, entered the room seconds later. Palin rose to shake his hand, saying she was “honored” to meet him.

    Zardari then called her “gorgeous” and said: “Now I know why the whole of America is crazy about you.”

    “You are so nice,” Palin said, smiling. “Thank you.”

    A handler from Zardari’s entourage then told the two politicians to keep shaking hands for the cameras.

    “If he’s insisting, I might hug,” Zardari said. Palin smiled politely.

  19. Canuckledragger

    Juan doesn’t like to read because he keeps getting papyrus cuts. At his age, those are dangerous.

    Besides, hasn’t he already proved himself to the nation? FIVE & A HALF PLANES, ALAN!

    [re=107817]Lorax[/re]: Yummy. [Back in the day.]

  20. shoeho

    [re=107872]lilblackcorvette[/re]: Aw, Barney is my hero. My wingnut fundy BIL (yes, they exist in MA) lives in Barney’s district and Barney drives the BIL apeshit. He keeps threatening to move, but they are so far in debt he can’t sell the house for what they owe, Praise Jeebus!

  21. shortsshortsshorts

    So is McNugget’s campaign officially petrified wood or does he still have some viagra left in the cabinet?

  22. Dave J.

    The best part of this is him saying we need people like Buffet (ok), Bloomberg (meh), and Romney (whaaaa?) to provide input.

    Dude, YOU COULD HAVE PICKED ROMNEY AS YOUR VP!!!!

    Think of how bad McCain would be pwning the Dems right now if he had picked Romney. It makes me laugh.

  23. WoundedVeteran

    FLASH…..WHITE HOUSE CAUGHT NAPPING ON FINANCIAL CRISIS….

    NAP is a Texas term a.k.a National Guard Air Party, George pretends to fly the venerable F105, on a specially constructed swing in the West Wing. H raids enemy positions while everyone on the ground, in the room, shouts Mission Accomplished. Sometimes he joined by John McGoo, and they play Tail Hook, a game most familiar to both. Napping while the rest of the country, especially the plebeian don’t deserve anything anyway, lose their homes and jobs. What was the first clue George and company missed?

  24. mookworthjwilson

    i am now convinced that john mccain wasn’t shot down over vietnam…instead, he noticed a scratch on the side of his airplane, decided the plane was ruined and bailed out, kind of analagous to his poll numbers going down, so he calls a time out

    similar to how he bailed out of his first marriage, he’s going to start up a totally new campaign and run for president of Canada, even though it doesn’t exist, because canada is a younger prettier country that wasn’t in a car accident

  25. sati demise

    [re=107888]obfuscator[/re]: Was really waiting for the ‘books on tape’ version. He listens to these while he is asleep, because the words go right into his subconsience. No pesky ‘learnin’ or studying involved.

  26. Canuckledragger

    McCain’s not saving the economy. He’s in the waiting room outside Roger Ailes’ office, waiting for him to return from lunch so Juan can strangle him. After all, Fox shows Hopey up by 6%, so even fuckin’ Fox is in the tank for Obama.

    Somebody must die for this treason. I, for one, compliment Juan on his choice.

  27. Canuckledragger

    [re=107899]mookworthjwilson[/re]: No, it was a train wreck. [Our current federal election is no less fucked than yours, but ours won't turn out as well as yours will.]

  28. sezme

    He didn’t say he hadn’t read it, you elitist literate asshats, he said he hadn’t had a chance to ‘see it in writing’. This is more a question of graphic design, paper stock and font choice than actual words.

  29. PoliTacky

    [re=107893]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Even sadder: Out of the 5 projections McNuggets wins, 3 of them were made by McCain’s staff.

  30. nietzscheprojectile

    Okay. So now congress has come up with a plan. McCain was still in New York with Bill Clinton, talking about how important it is to be in D.C. coming up with a solution. What?!? Oh well. The debate is ON, bitches.

  31. btwbfdimho

    “That’s why I suspended the campaign. I have to spend the whole day in the Strait Talk Express and it’s too bumpy to read there!

  32. Cogito Ergo Bibo

    Ha! I’m sooo glad he rushed back to Washington…since his help obviously wasn’t needed.

    Woo hoo! Un-cancel the alcohol poisoning inducing Preznit Debate Drinking Game!

  33. mookworthjwilson

    [re=107909]Canuckledragger[/re]: That’s cuz Dion is no Hopey…if only Jack Layton were not really, really white and the Liberals didn’t exist…then some good stuff might happen…

  34. ManchuCandidate

    [re=107923]mookworthjwilson[/re]:
    Problem with Layton is that he is a Walnuts type Diva which makes him rather insufferable.

  35. gurukalehuru

    Seriously, for five and a half years he didn’t have any plans to read, he didn’t have any paper to read them from, or a table to read them at. And the North Vietnamese broke his arms off and used them to draw bizarre religious symbols in the ground so he can’t even hold the paper to read it.

  36. ihasasad

    [White House Deputy Press Secretary Tony] Fratto insisted that the plan was not slapped together and had been drawn up as a contingency over previous months and weeks by administration officials. He acknowledged lawmakers were getting only days to peruse it, but he said this should be enough.

    http://www.rollcall.com/news/28599-1.html?type=printer_friendly

    Does anyone have white hot pokers? Not the red hot kind, the nasty white hot ones…

  37. mookworthjwilson

    [re=107929]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Hmm…my canadian friends have high praise for Layton…hmmm…maybe they are just in the tank for the NDP…

  38. ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=107929]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Yeah, but he has the fireman’s mustache, which goes a long way in Canada.

    If Layton wanted to win the thing, he’d start talking about Canadian sovereignty and how it’s been foiled by various pussyfooted measures by the Liberals and the Conservatives. (the agreement between Canada and the US on military response to domestic civil unrest in either country should be enough to get him a minority gov’t if he actually got out there and talked it up)

  39. Cape Clod

    [re=107906]Canuckledragger[/re]: No way Grampy could get his hands around Ailes’ fat neck. Maybe Rapture Spice in a slave girl outfit and a long chain could pull it off.

  40. V572625694

    [re=107871]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: My Italian-born girlfriend likes to watch teevee w/closed captioning because her English still has a few rough spots. It’s hilarious, because 90 percent of the time it’s apparently “written” by illiterates who also can’t type very quickly or well. But when Caribou Barbie speaks, it’s right on the money.

  41. Cogito Ergo Bibo

    [re=107933]ihasasad[/re]: There aren’t any left. Grampy used them all on the MSM. NYT took half of them, all by itself.

  42. ManchuCandidate

    [re=107934]mookworthjwilson[/re]:
    I agree with some of what he believes in (anti-war and anti-poverty) but he’s always struck me as a fellow who loves the spotlight more. Maybe it’s just I saw most of his career in municipal politics before he jumped the NDP.

    Good with the idea, but bad with the execution.

    Better than Dion. He’s the fucking equivalent of “Where’s Waldo?”

  43. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=107951]V572625694[/re]: I’m coming from the 1988 perspective, and i think the bailout is horse shit.

  44. PoliTacky

    [re=107937]slithytoves[/re]: OH NOEZ!!!!11!!!!!!1! I guess McCain will have to scrap his new ad campaign:

    Mister Trouble never hangs around
    When he hears this Mighty sound.

    “Here I come to save the day”

    That means that McMighty Mouse is on his way.
    Yes sir, when there is a wrong to right
    McMighty Mouse will join the fight.
    On the sea or on the land,
    He gets the situation well in hand.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yfsrg28jE7k

  45. ihasasad

    Lessee…The Bush administration took months to put together a crap package and presented it to Congress, when was it? oh, last Saturday, and in a few short days members of Congress made a much nicer pile of crap. I wonder what they could have done with it in a month…

  46. Canuckledragger

    [re=107929]ManchuCandidate[/re]: You got that right, pal. I’ve had personal dealings with Layton in the past and for the first time in nearly 40 years of obstinately voting what passes for ultra-left here, I’m swingin’ Lib [p-u] just to help deny Harper his precious “majowity.” Layton’s just the latest in a long line of NDP losers who wanna do the Tony “Third Way” Blair dance, thinking it’ll make ‘em electable. [Nice enough people, Audrey and Alexa and Jack, but c'mon!]

    Tommy Douglas and David “Corporate Welfare Bums” Lewis [even, I'll grudgingly admit, Ed Broadbent.] Now there were REAL lefty sons-a-bitches I could believe in. What I wouldn’t give for our country to have an honest-to-Yahweh Tony Benn. Buncha wussies, these home grown ‘radicals.’ Meh.

  47. user-of-owls

    [re=107887]shoeho[/re]: Wow…learn something every day! Just last night the wife asked where Barney’s district was and I confidently told her mostly the Cape (wink…P-town…wink), but obviously got my nancy-boys mixed up. After your post, I took a peek out of curiousity…wtf? Fall Rivah? New Bege? How the hell does he get all those Portugee foundry-dads to vote for his queeny self?? Something else…he’s even more wicked pissah than I thought!

    Go Barney. Go Sox. Go Fish.

  48. lilblackcorvette

    [re=107887]shoeho[/re]: [re=108007]user-of-owls[/re]: obviously,you people couldn’t care less about loss of idealism. He was not just gay. He ran a fucking brothel on taxpayer money. He corrupted a school principle. Don’t you feel my pain?!!? No?

    Well, fuck you then.

  49. PoliTacky

    [re=108017]ihasasad[/re]: Please, blame McCain for all your dreams being crushed. He’s the new Scapegoat for all of my problems in life:

    Owe money to the IRS? Blame McCain!
    Your property manager rents the apartment next to you to crackheads? Blame McCain!
    Run out of fabric softener? Blame McCain!

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