Oh well better luck next timeJohn McCain’s whole brilliant scheme to bail Sarah Palin out of the debates will only work if his Republican pals refuse to come up with a financial plan for saving America until … enh, Monday or so. But now it looks like everybody is getting on the same page and working together in the spirit of bipartisan compromise and suchlike! This is good, maybe, for America, but bad for Walnuts.

Now his cheap stunt will be remembered as just another 24 hours’ worth of flailing in an historically flailsome campaign. PLUS he will have to say he supports whatever bill these lawmakers have come up with, since he went to all the trouble of “suspending” his campaign to hammer it out, but then again so will Obama, so even if the bill just suxx everybody will have to say they love it. Because the President asked them to love it.

In sum, Sarah Palin needs to get back to studying up for her debate next week, which will be delayed again when John McCain climbs the Washington Monument nude.

Lawmakers Seem Near Deal on Bailout [New York Times]

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  1. Unfortunately, you know that the old guy will spin it that the ONLY reason a resolution could be made was because of his SELFLESS return to Washington, D.C. Without him Congress wouldn’t be able to come to an agreement until NEXT WEEK thus allowing the new Depression to go on for that much longer! Ergo, McCain has single-handedly saved the economy! Country First Mortgage Company!

  2. Here are the details of the bailout plan:

    1. Rich hedge fund managers get golden showers of taxpayer cash, taxed at only 15 percent.
    2. Taxpayer money buys up all the worthless paper idiot “investment bankers” issued based on suicidal mortgages.
    3. Poor jerk who put the wrong zip code on his mortgage payment: “Sorry, buddy, no hard feelings, but to save Amurrica, you’re evicted.”

    What’s not to like about this excellent plan?

  3. If the McCain campaign was really serious about saving the economy, they’d take Hef up on his offer to have Palin pose nude, then charge, like, $50 per magazine. Multiplied by the number of adult males (plus lesbians) in the U.S., that’s… a shitload of money. Then Hef can be secretary of the Treasury.

  4. You left out the most important part of the article, the food choices:

    “After the overnight drafting efforts on both sides of Capitol Hill — with pizza on the House side, and Thai food in the Senate — Democratic officials said they had nearly completed a unified draft of a bill.”

    Thank God the New York Times reports on the important details. Those elitist Senators and their Thai food – should be eating good American food like the House.

  5. And after the bill passes on the floor of the Senate, Dodd and Barney Frank will burst out, run down McCain, get him on the floor and stick their thumbs in his eyes, especially the droopy left one.

  6. Feeling a little homoerotic this morning are we? I will struggle to get that image out of my head. Is it too early to start drinking? Is it too late to start drinking? Have faith, it is never too late. Let me know how it works out with the saving America thing on Monday. I just hope we still have an internet thing. It would be great if you could get wifi in the bread line.

  7. Heh, McCain had to suspend democracy to nationalize the banks because he’s all about “America First”. Nice. I’m so unbelievably pissed off that the Paulson Ponzi Plan is passing, now the criminals have time to buy out of their pyramid scheme and stick us with the bill. Grrrr. House Republicans are caving? House Democrats think “oversight” makes theft OK? Oh well, they all passed that pork-laden $612 billion defense bill yesterday while we weren’t looking. Bipartisanship, working for *you*.

  8. [re=107735]NotAnEvilLobbyist[/re]: That’s excellent! Guess the Senate likes it hot. Or young, hairless and under-aged.

    I can hear Grampy now: “Wait! I suspended my campaign! What do you mean you already solved this thing. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT FOR ME!!!” And then he’ll start randomly firing staff members who thought this was a good idea to begin with. Good times.

  9. THANKS SARAH! Now I have horrific images of pale doughy craggly old man flesh dangling off the bone much like an over-cooked chicken. WALNUTS! NUDE?! Thanks for the fresh hell, Wonkette.

  10. Speaking at a gathering in Midtown Manhattan, Senator McCain, in comments that ran counter to those of Congressional Democrats, said on Thursday morning that no consensus had developed among lawmakers to support the bailout plan.

    In interviews, and in testimony on Wednesday, Congressional leaders and Treasury Secretary Henry M. Paulson Jr., said that they had made substantive progress toward a deal on the rescue plan…

    HA, HA, HA! Way to put the economy first, numbnutz. You apparently forgot to pick up the NYTimes sitting outside your door this morning.

  11. [re=107750]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Except that when Biden “soaks” Palin with the bucket full of glitter, she’ll freak and ventilate him with a moose gun. Actually, that’s kind of a win-win for America in that it removes both of them from politics permanently.

  12. [re=107762]WhatTheHeck[/re]: Then his son rounds up a special ops team comprised of his douchebag friends and they form a plan to rescue him. TIME TO DIE, IRON EAGLE!!

  13. The last sentence of the post brought to mind a song that a comedian once sang:
    Scrotum! Scrotum!
    Scrotum! Scrotum!
    Well, it’s wrinkled and it’s crinkled and it’s coverd with hair!
    But what would you do if it wasn’t there?!
    Scrotum! Scrotum!

    And that’s how I learned to spell scrotum.

  14. Instead of the debate, I’d like to see a naked McCain wrestle an Alaskan grizzly bear on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange while Paulson, Bernanke and Bush stand around and shout “Bailout, Baby, Bailout.” Palin would then fly overhead in a helicopter and shoot the looser.

  15. John McCain would lose a country to win a campaign.

    Really, though, putting “Country Second” isn’t so bad. I mean a lot of people put it third, fourth or fifth.

  16. [re=107791]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Between T. Boone Pickens hollering at me that we spend $700 billion on foreign oil every year and the $700 billion bailout thing, I’m starting to wonder if they screwed up the mark of the beast.

  17. [re=107750]AngryBlakGuy[/re]:

    Krusty’s Accountant: Let me get this straight: You took all the money you made franchising your name and bet it *against* the Harlem Globetrotters?

    Krusty the Clown: [miserable] I thought the Generals were due!

  18. You’ve asked what his plan was; well he unveiled it in NYC this morning:

    “Let me put it this way: I would rather build a bridge to nowhere — and put it square in the middle of Sedona, Arizona — than take money from teachers and farmers and small business owners to line the pockets of the Wall Street crowd that got us here in the first place. And I can assure you: if I have anything to say about the matter, it’s not going to happen,” Mr. McCain said.

    WWWWWHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAATTTTTTT?????????? Is Palin writing his speeches now?

  19. [re=107840]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Speaking of the devil………when is the Snow Bunny going to face Pat Robertson for her toughest interview yet? Maybe they’d do a lillte “laying on of hands”, “speaking in tongues”, or comparing leg presses for Jesus.

  20. [re=107809]tunamelt[/re]: ‘It needs to be something more sympathetic, like breast cancer or genital warts.’
    How about cancerous genital warts? Nah, doesn’t work. McCain probably has those and he ain’t dropping out. Which is tragic.

  21. [re=107822]tunamelt[/re]: with even more mascara and a beehive ‘do.

    [re=107852]oldguy[/re]:McNuggets finally discovered people who make under 50 grand a year have the right to vote.

  22. I gotta have another cuppa coffee to get through this stuff today. It’s a replay of the Iraq tapdance of “It doesn’t matter how we got into this mess, it’s what we do not that’s important.” The point is not to get into the situations in the first place. Duh.

  23. And Gallup daily poll shows a tie today. How? Who are those people that want Walnuts fumbling around when presidential qualities are needed, with Ice Queen Bullwinkle the Silent as his backup?

  24. This plan isn’t saving America. It’s destroying it. Please, Republicans or Democrats–be partisan assholes and sink it over some trivial aspect. Anything to stop giving Wall Street a giant golden parachute just before the rest of us get shafted with a sunken dollar.

  25. … historically flailsome campaign …

    Oh best beloved, this reminds me of Kipling: “spanked the Elephant’s child
    with his scalesome, flailsome tail”.

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