That pig won't hunt.Here is a brilliant switcheroo! John McCain proposes delaying his debate if he has not singlehandedly resolved America’s financial crisis by tomorrow, so that way he and Barack Obama can debate next Thursday — the night when Sarah Palin and Joe Biden were set to debate. And then once they’ve rescheduled the Palin/Biden debate, John McCain can pull another crazy stunt — announcing his own daughter is fake pregnant, maybe, or firing Ruth Bader Ginsburg, or refusing to appear in public in anything but a glittering leotard — and everyone will forget all about this Palin nut and how she withers under intense questioning by Katie freaking Couric. John McCain will personally bomb North Korea in an ancient fighter plane with a Muppet as his co-pilot before he allows Sarah Palin to debate anything besides a goldfish. A dead goldfish. [Political Ticker]

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  1. McCain’s real top secret plan is to show up Thursday night in lipstick to debate Biden. What McCain doesn’t know is that Biden will actually be Obama in a gaffe suit.

  2. Sarah got pwned by Katie Couric! That’s like announcing to the world you’re gonna be in the Super Bowl and end up losing to the Detroit Lions.

    Snowbunny’s just too fucking stupid to know she’s fucking stupid.

  3. The sort of sound judgment and razor-sharp reasoning we’ve come to expect from Ol’ Dirty WALNUTS!

    I honest-to-Odin believe that all these shenanigans are a tacit admission by WcCain that neither he nor his running mate even compete in a debate format with Barry and Joementum v.2.Awesome. ‘Cause at the rate it’s going, I’m not seeing where there’s going to be a debate at all.

  4. So…Obama is going to debate no one on Friday, and win, and then McCain is going to show up Thursday and debate Joe Biden, and lose, and no one ever sees or hears from Palin ever again.

    Show me the downside?

  5. I have a theory. John McCain long ago understood that America’s terrible, deep seated, social, economic and international problems could only be solved by one man: Barack Obama. So he pulled out all the stops to ensure that he would become the GOP nominee. Now that he has clinched the nomination, he’s doing his darndest to throw the race to Obama, while making it look like he’s merely running the world’s most incompetent Presidential Campaign since Democracy was first posited as a theory by some Greek guys in 500 BC or so.

    I suspect that McCain is scratching his head, just as much as anybody, over why it is that Obama isn’t 50 points ahead right now. Seems he underestimated the bitters’ deep, abiding resistance to voting for a black guy who’s smarter and better educated than them.

  6. Shut up, bitches, he’s a MAVERICK. He’ll debate whenever he wants to debate and if that’s not okay with Obama or the wussified Debate Commission, well he’s just not going to show up. Or maybe he will show up even though he said he wouldn’t. Or maybe he’ll be all “I’m showing up,” then NOT show up. Obama will wither in the face of his MAVERICKINESS. I’ll look up some examples for you of how that will happen and get them back to you, along with my homework and Rick Davis’ left nut on a toothpick.

  7. [re=107650]Outstando[/re]: This is the funniest thing I’ve read in, um, maybe ever.

    “Obama in a gaffe suit…”=EPIC FUCKING WIN

    [re=107663]Serolf Divad[/re]: This sounds oddly plausible.

  8. It’s pretty clear to everyone on earth that the McCain campaign has realized that choosing Palin was one of the most stupid, boneheaded, insane and ridiculous political moves since the American government somehow illegally put George Bush into office as president. They didn’t do the proper background checks, she is under investigation for alleged ethical violations by her own state legislature, she has a history of shoddy, tacky leadership, she is completely, 100 percent unqualified to be either vice president or president on any sane level, she is completely lacking in national and international political experience, her views are strangely stuck in 1955, she is not a good speaker, she cannot discusss the issues, and she was absolutely the very worst choice for vice president that McCain could have picked. So of course now they’re spinning, going crazy, backtracking, lying, covering up, and childishly shielding her from the press, from debates and from the public. And this is why the next president and vice president will be Barack Obama and Joe Biden.

  9. Steve Schmidt and Rick Davis are the new Cheney. They’ve gotten into their man’s head. I don’t even think Walnuts knows about this whole “campaign suspension” stunt yet.

  10. Maybe they can have Joe Lieberman show up and do the debate, since that is who John McCain really wanted before he caved in to the far right.

    Or this is just a pretense to replace Palin with Terry Schivo, who is twice as qualified as Palin, and would sent the right into another orgasmic tizzy. Now that would be a Hail Mary we could believe in.

    [re=107663]Serolf Divad[/re]: You forget the John Kerry campaign. However, if McCain suddenly goes windsurfing in the next few weeks, I’m willing to buy your theory.

  11. [re=107665]Juan McMaverick[/re]: Oh yeah, I forgot he crashed 4 planes before he crashed the 5th one that gave him the line “5 and a half years” to use over and over and over and over and over

  12. [re=107663]Serolf Divad[/re]: At least then, I could tell myself that he’s acting rationally and following an actual plan. Instead he looks like a complete loon.

    I was talking to a fellow political type the other day (we’ve both run campaigns) who said it looked as if Grampy were just making decisions based upon whomever was available to advise him at the moment. There isn’t an overarching strategy that shapes the narrative; the flaming topic du jour shapes it, without reference to a stable, coherent strategy. I tend to agree. We also agree that you do not piss off Letterman. Ask Oprah about that.

  13. [re=107653]NoWireHangers[/re]: Personally I’ve been itching to hit an inverted DDT on him.

    …A cookie to whoever understood what I said I want to do to Walnuts!

  14. [re=107681]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Terry Schaivo has been completely dead for three years, mostly dead for fifteen more, and I would trust her leadership more than McCain’s or Palin’s right now.

  15. [re=107678]thefrontpage[/re]: That would have been a lot funnier if you’d ended with “And that is why the next president and vice president will be John McCain and Sarah Palin”

  16. [re=107663]Serolf Divad[/re]: Solon wrote a poem anticipating that back when he and McCain shared a tutor. Like Sarah Palin’s mind, it survives in fragments.

  17. [re=107678]thefrontpage[/re]: Do you realize that almost everything you used to describe Ms. Moose could have been used 8 years ago to describe the current guy running the country?

  18. [re=107684]slithytoves[/re]: Uh… really? We need to not leave Iraq, but we must also “ramp up” in Afghanistan?


  19. Palin is stoopid America’s wet dream of itself. Our future Chinese Overlords are currently stroking their pussies in secure (but tastefully modernist) underground lairs and going, “Whaaaahhhaaaaha, whaahahahahaha, whwwwwahhhaaaahaaaa”.

  20. cogito: Agreed you don’t piss off Letterman, but His Maverickness is more interested in isolating MSM types as in the tank. Oprah aint da govment. McPow has always behaved in a way to try to appear as the most righteous guy in the group.

  21. How about a Veep debate drinking game! Possible drinks:

    Headless horseman every time Palin says “maverick”
    Banana daquiri when she says “McCain Palin”
    Black Russian when she says “Obama”
    White Russian when she says “foreign policy”
    Pearl Harbor when she says “economy”
    Mudslide when she says “Iraq”
    Slow comfortable Screw when she mentions Todd or the kids
    Pink Lady when she says “I’m ready” or “I’m prepared”
    Rearbuster every time Biden makes her cry

    This will be fun, not to mention convenient–we’ll need to be drunk for this.


  22. [re=107678]thefrontpage[/re]: McCain’s folks may be in some trouble too.
    The guy in charge of the investigation is now calling for the state troopers to investigate whether there has been witness tampering. He noted that all parties were in full agreement to participate with the investigation until McCain’s henchmen flew to Alaska when suddenly folks started to refuse to answer subpoenas. Hell, McCain/Palin could win the election and be impeached before President’s day. Which scares me, actually, since I can’t stand Pelosi.

  23. Haha! Oxford, Mississippi’s pissed at WALNUTS! for ruining their debate-related weekend economic boom, just so he can go rescue those elitist “wall” street libruls up thar in NooYourk City.

    Now would be a good time to call them rednecks, Johnny; a real good time. Heck, they’re even startin’ to rethink votin’ for thu nigra!

  24. I don’t know: when you have Campbell freaking Brown & David Letterman bashing Walnuts, I don’t think America is going to let Bible Spice go without some kind of debate. I think the Andrea Mitchells & Jake Tappers & Andrew Sullivans of the world would all stage some kind of coup if she did not debate. I know Walnuts doesn’t care about the media anymore, but he can’t be so stupid that he thinks he can get away without a VP debate, can he??

  25. Are Fraggle’s considered muppets?
    Palin (carefree): “Dance your cares away, worries for another day, let the music play, down at Fraggle Rock! down at Fraggle Rock!”
    McCain (dejected): “…Down at Fraggle Rock.”

  26. Here’s a compromise: Delay the Presidential debate, but MOVE UP the Veep debate to Friday night……

    I mean, sure the two Presidential candidates are needed to prevent the end of the world as we know it, but the veeps are expendable, so let them hack it out on tv.

    What Johnny McCarpetbagger shit a brick then stumble, mumble his way through some lame-assed excuse as to why that wouldn’t work….. That would be tv worth watching!!!

  27. [re=107698]checkonechecktwo[/re]: See, that’s part of what McGrampy probably didn’t consider. These debates are HUGE to the local community. Already $4.5 million has been spent getting things ready in Mississippi (or so said Andrea Mitchell this morning). Right now, not only that site, but the 3 others are going to be mighty peeved if any change at all is made to the schedule. The VP debates are set for Washington University in St. Louis next week. How happy are they going to be if, suddenly, they have the preznits-to-be onstage, rather than the only VP debate (sure to be must see teevee for everyone looking for a good laugh next Thursday)? The other two debate sites are just angry knowing it could still happen to them. And they have a right to be angry.

    Walnuts!? Multi-task, bitch.

  28. [re=107683]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: Looks like? He’s wholly useless. He could be one of the most incompetent senators of them all. And there are some real cement-heads on the Hill. The ‘right’ should have pushed hard for Huckabee in the primaries and just hoped like hell in the general election. As much as I disagree with him ideologically, he’s at the very least thematic and coherent.

    This McCain campaign looks this terrible because they think they can afford to, running against a person of color. They know they have some leeway. But they also know they have to stay within a 5 or 6 pt. deficit to have a chance on election day, and they’re seeing they might not be capable of doing so. They’re a national disgrace.

  29. In Oxford.

    Moderator: Welcome to the debate, the first question is for Senator Obama. Senator…
    McCain: Wait, wait! I insist that we all start with the pledge of allegiance.
    Moderator: Huh?
    McCain: Followed by a prayer for economic healing.
    Moderator: But…
    McCain: Then we should march around the auditorium to demonstrate support for our brave troops.
    Obama: Punk-ass fool-made bitch.

  30. Well, of COURSE, Juan wants to ensure Sarah Plain doesn’t have to debate. She’s an affirmative action hire, so we must lower our expectations accordingly. Her 15 mintues have already come and gone, and when she returns to Alaska a loser, her popularity there will continue to plummet [as it has since she accepted the affirmative action hire.] Then she’ll lose the next gubernatorial race there [to Andrew Halcro] and end up running the ASPCA in Wasilla. It’s how they roll up in them thar parts.

    OK, if you’re gonna keep being all Muppetty, I STILL say McCain shoulda been fraggled in ‘Nam.

    Re: debates – If Juan’s determined not to show up in Ol’ Miss, why aren’t Nader, Barr, Baldwin, et al, filing emergency motions with the Electoral Commission and the SCOTUS to be included? Line of reasoning? “If the Republican fucker who’s running can’t be bothered, WE CAN! YES WE CAN!” At least it’ll give Hopey someone to talk to.


  31. …Sara Palin’s Vice Presidency should be put on suicide watch. I have a strange feeling she may have a strong urge to “Spend more time with her family”! Start stretching Mittens, you are about to be called in off the bench.

  32. [re=107707]azw88[/re]: That’s actually a rational solution, in my mind. But I still think St. Louis is going to whine, whine, whine about it. In their place, I wouldn’t be too happy to give up hosting the only VP debate (sure to be the ratings winner) to host a preznit debate. However the concept it solid. I’d love to hear what the candidates would say about switching the two.

    Grampy (off-record): She’s not ready. She’ll destroy us all.

    Grampy (on the record): It is our patriotic duty to turn our entire attention to the economic crisis at hand and work together until a solution is found. (With obvious and noteworthy absence of any statement regarding the fact that Barbie has about as much relevance to that solution as a lipsticked pig)

  33. [re=107688]kudzu[/re]: I know “cunt” is your fave word, and you use it regularly in reference to teh BibleSpicenator. But please stop.

    Cunts are beautiful, incredibly versatile and remarkably useful.

    Sarah might be considered “beautiful” by some [downmarket low-rent types… I’m lookin’ at you, Bill Clinton], but that’s where the similarities end.

  34. [re=107727]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Please no. I think, after the ridiculous debacle that the Glasses! nomination has been, Mittens would give a bump to WALNUTS! insane, barely cognizant campaign. I do not want want this. I want the American people to turn on the geezer like a pack of wolves.

  35. [re=107683]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: He hasn’t had a real message since primary season began. No one gave a crap about him until the press started shoveling dirt on his grave and it looked like he wouldn’t survive past Iowa. After that, the story became about his huge NH comeback. Any strong message he’s had has always been in reaction to something Barry did or to the most recent news cycle. He’s great at passing judgment or calling out those who violate his manly moral code of manly nobility and integrity, but the governing and the campaigning, not so much.

  36. [re=107748]Strictly for the Tardcore[/re]: Actually, let me revise. I’m all for Palin dropping out if it’s because she gets caught in an affair with WALNUTS!

  37. [re=107683]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: What do you bet that the debate begins with McCain’s podium empty, and five minutes into it he wanders in, drenched and hatless, wearing a sodden raincoat, and starts wandering around the floor of the auditorium with his arms outstreched. Ranting incoherantly, he tells the audience that this election is a sham, they have never had a stake in the process, and that the only way to save the country is to go to the window and yell, “I’m Mad As Hell, And I’m Not Going To Take It Anymore.” The last thing we see at home is McCain’s face, screaming this into a TV camera.

    He wins in a landslide and gets shot at his inauguration.

    Stranger things could happen.

  38. [re=107759]Cape Clod[/re]: I like your drenched and defeated idea, but i was thinking of it in GlenGarry Glen Ross terms, i.e: when Shelley Levine tries to sell some of that swampland to the one guy, who succinctly runs him out of his house and closes the door in his face.

    Grim, yet beautiful. Stranded on the porch, the raining pouring down.

    Scene End.

  39. I have been reading these Wonkette threads for about two weeks, and I feel like I have discovered a secret society of the most intelligent, funniest, most mentally disturbed group of people in this great country. Serolf Divad. wtf_files. Say it with Wookies. magictitty. I’ve determined that I cannot drink anything while I am reading or it ends up shooting out my nose.

    I need a short Wonkette/Wonketteering history lesson as to the origin and meaning of the muppet reference. Who can help?

  40. [re=107767]magic titty[/re]: “I need the good leads, Charlie! Come on, Ricky! This crap you’re givin’ me, this POW crap, this ‘celebrity’ crap, I can’t sell this garbage to these moron deadbeats!” (*points at the electorate*)

  41. Ole Miss has spent $5.5 million over the last year and a half for this debate. I didn’t think there was $5.5 million in all of Mississippi’s higher ed budget. If Walnuts! blows this off to try and protect Palin, I hope Mississippi sends him the bill.

  42. [re=107771]Datsun510[/re]: I need a short Wonkette/Wonketteering history lesson as to the origin and meaning of the muppet reference. Who can help?

    Uh, Datsun510…..Welcome to the Wonketeers…….to answer your question……does, lipstick and pig ring a bell??

    Gotta get up to speed!! (we have faith you will)

  43. [re=107755]obfuscator[/re]: That, I agree with. “Five and a half years” isn’t really a narrative or a plan. Nor is “Barry’s wrong,” even though he apparently thinks it is.

    [re=107759]Cape Clod[/re]: That would be hilarious. Although I’d prefer it end with Cindy committing him to a nice safe place with comfy padded walls.

  44. [re=107770]Canuckledragger[/re]: A true classic.
    “I think you fucked up my country, and I think you’re going away.”
    (teary-eyed) “But my daughter?”
    “Fuck you.”

  45. [re=107745]Canuckledragger[/re]: Holy crap. You’re right about Clinton. He would TOTALLY plow that row. Palin does kind of look like a skinnier, modestly hotter Monica Lewinsky.

  46. [re=107700]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: True, that. Everybody thinks they can cook the perfect steak, everybody thinks they’re good in bed, and everybody thinks they’re a good driver. It’s why the pigfuckers vote. They actually believe they are good at it.

  47. [re=107781]Clyde Midia[/re]: Thank you. I got “lipstick on a pig”. I just had no idea that this was the first reference. I thought I was coming in on the middle of an old joke. Thanks.

    It is fascinating to watch a campaign implode. When Katie Couric finds the nerve to square up on Bible Spice and reject her crappy pointguard outside shots you can feel confident that Corporate Media – regardless of their motives – might actually do their job as journalists. Not that making Caribou Barbie look stupid is difficult.

    CNBC just quoted Chris Dodd saying there is fundamental agreement on a bailout package, then three minutes later had live footage of WALNUTS! arriving at the capital. The timing is beautiful.

    I love knowing WALNUTS!’ campaign is a joke. I just don’t want to end up feeling guilty if it turns out his health is failing. There is a lot of chatter this morning – Thom Hartmann and others – who think he’s stroking out or something.

  48. Palin is exchanged for Mittens to get the Economy look. Then Iran does something unusually stupid and Mittens is cashed in for Joe Lieberman for Experience. The clock is ticking. Hurricane Xanadu rains on Florida and Lieberman is replaced by Michael “The Vampire” Chernoff for the Homeland Security Angle. Rudi Gugliani is wearing lipstick and unavailable. At the last minute, McCain comes to his senses and puts Dick Cheney on the ticket. They run on a slogan of Stay the Course.

  49. Perhaps Caribou Barbie is playing possum. She’s lowering expectations by utterly bombing the few interviews she gets and appearing to avoid the debate. Then, when she arrives at the debate, she turns into the reincarnation of William Jennings Bryan, Mark Twain, and Caesar Augustus combined and totally smokes Biden. Walnuts looks brilliant!

    It sounds crazy, but can anyone else come up with a better explanation for Walnuts picking someone who is an apparent complete fucktard?

  50. [re=107901]RubberSoul[/re]: We all know that Bible Spice would display her greatest skill – the one that got her where she is today – if she gets on her knees and “totally smokes Biden” behind his podium during the VP debate. All Biden needs is a zipper in his gaffe suit.

    I respect women. I have absolutely no respect this woman. She is the best worst example of all the hypocracies of the religious right and their destruction of the republican party. It is poignant that she is here now, front and center to witness the greatest democratic sweep – from president to dogcatcher – in decades.

  51. [re=107669]Deepthroat[/re]: hello? they’re now owned by Disney. You don’t get more soulless, evil, beady-eyed or corporate than Disney. I have a 6 yr old daughter who loves the fucking Princesses. Believe me, I know.

  52. [re=107883]Datsun510[/re]: Bravo for Katie and her “tough” interview. My gut tells me that Palin is in for a rough time with female interviewers, since most of them are smarter than she is, don’t respect her, and resent her efforts to “represent” women. She’s an embarrassing and backward step for them and they’ll call her on her bullshit. Men are more likely give her a pass, I think. Big laugh when Dave asked Paul Schaffer about Palin and he said “She’s a very attractive woman, you’ve got to give her that…”

  53. Anita: Why, HELLO there! I assume you were actually saying how do you do and not doing the whole hellllooooOOOooo obnoxious valley girl thing. So, um, I hate Disney too, but now that my beloved Jim Henson is gone, poor Kermit and pals are at their mercy. As much as I hate to admit it, they are, after all, inanimate objects (cringe) and I have to support them in what is truly their most trying time… whoring for Disney.

  54. Came across this description of Palin in another blog, and had to share, even though the thread is old: While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Sarah Palin and her bid to be a heartbeat away from being President.

    The old rancher said, “Well, ya know, Palin is a post turtle.”

    Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.

    The old rancher said, “When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a post turtle. You know she didn’t get up there by herself, she doesn’t belong up there, she doesn’t know what to do while she is up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put her up there to begin with.”

  55. [re=107901]RubberSoul[/re]: I don’t think she is stupid, I think she is out of her mind! Seriously, the woman needs medical help. Watching the most recent Katie Couric interview was like watching a psychiatrist interview a schizophrenic. Katie Couric played the kind but curious doctor ferreting out the depths of Sarah Palin’s delusion. If you’ve ever seen “Most Evil” on the Discovery Channel it was like a reenactment of Dr. Stone’s interview of paranoid schizophrenic Diana Dial. Think about Sarah Palin in that regard and her nonsense and double speak make more “sense”, in light of her illness.

  56. Such a vapid creature is she. The braincase holds nothing more than mythological, jesus notions and GOP talking points and garbage force fed to her by the same people who are leading us into total economic chaos and worldwide disrepute. I love my country-geographically-but thoroughly despise the present controllers of said land.

  57. [re=107883]Datsun510[/re]: Why on earth would you feel guilty if McLame’s health is failing? He’s a lying sack of poop and he and the Abominable Snowwhore are lookin to perpetrate some serious shit on our already megafucked country if they get elected. Let his health fail – like the rest of his ridiculous campaign.

  58. [re=108281]CrabtreesBludgeon[/re]: I don’t hate WALNUTS!. I hate what he has done and what he intends to do to this country and to it’s good people. That is important to distinguish. I would not wish ill upon anyone, not since I outgrew hating my brother. Dieing of cancer is miserable and terrible. My disdain for these monsters ends at their behavior, not at their person. That covers the whole neocon gang. I don’t want them beat to death and their bodies drug through the streets, although the primal justice of that is obvious; I want them tried, convicted, and imprisoned for the rest of their lives. I want them kept healthy enough so that they can wake up thousands of days with their first thoughts being miserable acknowledgement that they have gotten what they deserve.

  59. [re=108192]jodyleek[/re]: You’re right. She’s not stupid. She hasn’t gotten to where she is now by being stupid. She just doesn’t know much of anything (yes, there’s a difference…the current occupant of the White House is another good example).

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