Clinton, McCain, Biden Dying Of Mystery Illnesses

Barack Obama is a space monster sent to kill us allEvery white male in politics over the age of 50 has some awful illness, according to various rumors on the Internet. Joe Biden had two aneurysms operated on 20 years ago, so obviously he is due for another so that he can step down and Hillary Clinton can be Barack Obama’s vice president. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton’s thumb was shaking on various evening talk shows this week, so he’s about dead. Probably Parkinson’s.

And then John McCain…well, we all know he’s just a reanimated corpse anyhow, and his left eye is falling out of his face or something, which is why he had to hire that $5,000 makeup artist, to keep pasting bits of skin back onto his skull.

The lesson: Barack Obama is poisoning all of these fuckers. George Bush, you’re on notice.

Biden Dropping Out? Rumor Thrives on Internet [FOX News]
Bill Clinton and the shaky thumb [Pop Culture Junkette]
Anybody else notice anything weird with McCain’s left eye recently? [AMERICAblog]

About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

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  1. Terry

    Are you sure its not Hilz that’s behind this? She may be giving Bill something to assure he doesn’t stray again.

  2. Hamster

    They’re all going to look like Yushchenko by the end of this thing. McCain is the only one looking forward to it.

  3. Dientes

    Dude, it is not Parkinsons. It is just the DTs, Bills been hitting the bottle pretty hard since the end of the primaries.

  4. Cogito Ergo Bibo

    I saw that thumb shake thing on The Daily Show. If I noticed it, it was pretty pronounced. But puh-lease. Too much caffeine will give you the shakes. So will knowing that as soon as you leave, you have to go home to the Hillster and a life of empty misery.

  5. Serolf Divad

    Something’s definitely up with McCain health wise, and it’s causing some disfigurement of the facial features. Here is a close up picture of the guy’s face after his last surgery. I warn you, if you are at all squeamish or cannot deal with extremely graphic pictures of blood, entrails or invasive surgical procedures, do not click this link

  6. Therapy New York

    I heard the rumor of VP nominee Joe Biden is sick and he will step down for Hillary Clinton. Can they really make those changes? I don’t really believe the rumors. I notice I hear stories about the guys in politics being sick. VP Cheney was sick when he first came in office but he made a healthy recovery.

  7. shoeho

    Hey, it could just be bailoutitis. Or whatever. You got to figure these guys are all beat.
    I’m not even as old as Barry (close, but not there yet) and I get way more tired than I did when I was younger.

    Contrary to what y’all may believe now, your years of going to work, partying all night, and getting up to do it again the next day are limited. It gets a lot harder after 30, and if you have a “responsible” job is virtually impossible past 35.

    So, do those late nights while you can, youth is wasted on the young, gather ye rosebuds, and all that crap.

  8. jodyleek

    I think Walnuts has Myasthenia Gravis. Does he also have the accompanying thymus gland tumor?
    He’s had cancer before, so quite likely.

  9. shoeho

    [re=107575]Therapy New York[/re]: Not if they want to win the election. No matter what the reason (with the possible exception of him being hit by a truck) it looks like weakness (should have known about XYZ) to the electorate.

  10. 2druk2phluq

    [re=107574]Serolf Divad[/re]: I put that photo up at my website/blog, but I took it down immediately. It’s hard to make any money if visitors puke as soon as they hit the site. Also, even my iron stomach almost heaved when I loaded the post.

  11. Terry

    [re=107574]Serolf Divad[/re]:

    There’s been some talk on the internet, I can’t recall the website now, that one of his surgeries on his face would have affected the way lymph fluid drains from that area. Apparently this is common in some kinds of cancers and that the affected area needs to be massaged frequently to push the accumulating fluid out.

  12. magic titty

    Well, Bill and WALNUTS! both hace some variance of the clap.
    As for Senator Joe, I can’t tell. I just think they all look like a pile of wrinkled shirts and dog shit next to Barack.

  13. jodyleek

    [re=107582]Terry[/re]: “needs to be massaged frequently to push the accumulating fluid out”?
    That’s what he said.

  14. Special Agent Jack Mehoff

    “The lesson: Barack Obama is poisoning all of these fuckers. George Bush, you’re on notice.”

    So, Hope is poisonous to politicians? But Barack is immune? like the rattlesnake is imune to it’s own venom? So, Barack is a snake? A shifty eyed poisonous killer of rich whites?

  15. Canmon (the Inadequate)

    I think at this point Obama could replace Biden with Terri Schaivo and still win the election.

  16. Jon in Austin

    Bill only gets that thumb thing when Palin is mentioned. Probably fantasizing about dressing that moose.

  17. El Bombastico

    Pfft. A zombie administration would have a better economic platform that either of the two current parties. Consuming the rotted brains of bailed-out CEO’s would prevent moral hazard more than curtailing golden parachutes. Aren’t Paulson and Chertoff the reanimated remains of dessicated corpses anyway?

  18. jbd

    [re=107557]InsidiousTuna[/re]: Pussy. Put more gin in your coffee. It works for me, and goddamn it, this site was founded on gin. (And assfucking.) Never forget.

  19. Undeterredbyreality

    I noticed the McCain eye thing yesterday–it’s just a subconscious reaction whenever he lies, like a “tell” in poker. He can’t stop winking as if we’re all in on the joke. Either that or he sprained it squinting at Glasses’ ass.

  20. DoctorCulturae

    A lot of this hair on fire-ness could be attributed to teh nervousness. They’re all gambling right now. The coolest head at the table is His Hopeyness.

    Maverick=Desperate nervousness

    Drugs of choice:
    Dubya: Jack
    McCain:numerous prescriptive meds
    Biden: Jameson
    Hopey:Marboro Lights

  21. grendel

    [re=107573]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: Good reason to go back out on the campaign trail for Hopey… go score some of that young fired up Obamatard tail, Mr. Preznit.

  22. facehead

    [re=107574]Serolf Divad[/re]: I noticed it too, thought maybe McCain was cockeyed and I never noticed it before (Palin, on the other hand, is completely cockfaced, but she wears it well). Could McCain have a touch of Bell’s Palsy? A minor stroke might cause it too, methinks.

    BTW, if you don’t think this rocks: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bLHc-yIAPbg , then you shouldn’t be voting.

  23. stew

    The rumor I like most is McCain is suspending his campaign so Mittens can take over and sack Palin (I mean fire) and go on to lose by slightly less embarrasing numbers.

  24. jodyleek

    [re=107597]facehead[/re]: Billy Squire with a gigantic moose knuckle and looking so homo gay…That does rock! Hey, is this subliminal Palin propaganda? Can someone please, purty please, photo shop Mooselini’s face on Billy’s junk?

  25. mookworthjwilson

    the comment section on foxnews.com is ike some sort of bizarro world where up is down and left is right…hahahah…

  26. Quacker

    [re=107577]shoeho[/re]: If I were 29, I’d say you just harshed my buzz, but I’m way older so I’ll just say, “speak up, son. I can’t hear you!” “What? Party? No, it’s just diabetes….”

  27. mookworthjwilson

    [re=107568]Godless Liberal[/re]: Well you know according to WALNUTS! Reno is Chelsey’s real father…

  28. DoctorCulturae

    [re=107602]irisheyes[/re]: I hate to say it, but the fix seems to be on: MSM made the bad guys (if you’re not with us you’re ‘in the tank’) , markets “inexplicably” go south, and McChameleon “stands up as reformer to the ‘bad’ Bushies” saying country first before democracy and teh constitution.

    If the MSM calls bs they are “in the tank.”

    …meanwhile VP Darth is communicating his successes to his Crypthwan V42iR overlords.

  29. DoctorCulturae

    stripesandplaids: The Crypthwan V42iR overlords invented and own the patent for the tank. VP Darth is payments on the rental.

    Perhaps it should be renamed: ” In the Git’ “

  30. DoctorCulturae

    [re=107625]DoctorCulturae[/re]: VP Darth is making payments on the rental. …(note to self: make eye appointment before costs skyrocket)

  31. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    McCain’s left eye thing isn’t that unusual. You see that in a lot of porn stars from to many “shots” in the face.

    [re=107587]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]: Great idea, the right would love her, and she is more qualified than Sarah Palin.

  32. sezme

    [re=107574]Serolf Divad[/re]: That image is very disturbing. I wish you’d have chosen something else. I realize that it’s a shameful part of American history that we should never forget, but it’s too much.

    Oh terrible picture meme: I just can’t quit you.

  33. AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=107573]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: I noticed it, too, but it seemed more than caffeine shakes to me. And I’m a doctor.

    Of love.

  34. John McClain

    Ugh, these Biden rumors. I think it’s the Hilltards just fantasizing her ripping out Palin’s pea brain and wolfing it down on live tv, and little skeeny Barry O being so shocked and intimidated he gives her the nomination right then and runs back to Kenya with his tail (the Blacks have tails! OMG) between his long, spindly legs.

    HILLTARDS— I’m looking at you Rothschild— just admit you’re racist dried up cougars who’d rather vote for Armageddon than a colored and move on.

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