Let us be clear, America: John McCain is a senile old coward, and his campaign is run by crazed dingbats who seem to honestly believe that hijacking a half-hour of the midday news cycle with another weird stunt is a good way to turn those polls around. It’s not. It’s just … embarrassing, for Earth. But Team McCain’s latest cheap “look over there!” ploy has at least inspired a whole bunch of funny Fark headlines and Web comments.

The best comments, as always, are right here on your Wonkette. Just go read a lot of these. And then, enjoy this collection from, Matthew Yglesias’ site and whatever else we found funny, just now:

  • John McCain puts his presidential campaign in a six by eight foot box.
  • McCain suspends campaign upon word he is going to embarass himself Friday night and will subsequently lose in November.
  • Frail old man runs from African American asking for change.
  • At 8:30am this morning, Obama called McCain about working together to get the emergency bailout legislation passed. John McCain responsed by suspending his campaign and trying to take credit for the idea.
  • In honor of McCain trying to get out of Friday’s debate, here’s a recipe for chicken pancakes.
  • McCain to suspend campaign, debates immediately…after pandering to the Clintons by addressing Bill’s Global Initiative session tomorrow.
  • John McCain has asked to postpone Friday’s debate to focus attention on how he put politics aside long enough to steal headlines by asking to postpone the debate.
  • Now From Yglesias:
  • I think we should just postpone the election until he has a chance to win.
  • But, my debate party! What an asshole.
  • I urge the president to declare a state of emergency and cancel all elections until this crisis has passed. Only a striving Chicago pol would think of his own career in times likes these. Country first people, country first.
  • Scaredee Cat.
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  1. McCain’s stock is plunging faster than the Dow’s. Check out CNN’s quick poll, which has 70% of responders seeing his gimmick as a gimmick. He won some points with the Palin farce, so he thought he might try again. Can you say “landslide,” anyone? Anyone?

  2. Ever since the economy went in the tank, McCain’s colostomy bag has been filling up at record pace. It’s clear now that he can’t make it two hours without spewing shit all over the place.

  3. Bravely bold John McCain
    Flew forth from Arizona.
    He was not afraid to debate,
    Oh brave John McCain.
    He was not at all afraid
    To be beaten in nasty ways.
    Brave, brave, brave, brave John McCain.

    He was not in the least bit scared
    To be mocked as a fool.
    Or to have his house called out,
    And his cars counted.
    To have his gaffes noticed
    And his affairs listed,
    And his advisers called out and pwned
    Brave John McCain.

    His VP vetted
    And his health a joke
    And his statements mocked
    And his bowels unplugged
    And his policies pwned
    And his jowels enlarged
    And his pen–

    “That’s… that’s enough music for now lads,
    *** there’s dirty work afoot*** ???.”

    Brave John McCain ran away.
    Bravely ran away away.
    (“I didn’t!”)
    When Obama reared his handsome head,
    He bravely turned his tail and fled.
    Yes, brave John McCain turned about
    (“I didn’t!”)
    And gallantly he chickened out.

    ****Bravely**** taking (“I never did!”) to his feet,
    He beat a very brave retreat.
    (“all lies!”)
    Bravest of the braaaave, John McCain!
    (“I never!”)

  4. How is he supposed to work on the economy, babysit Bible Spice, keep Cindy out of the medicine chest, AND debate? His schedule is far too full.

  5. By failing at this time Wall Street clearly is in the tank for obama. He must have offered them evil terrorist luo tribesman whore diamonded out truck nutz. How could they turn that down? Mccain is doing the only honorable thing in the face of such treachery: cutting and running.

  6. WTF is McCain going to do? Edit the document? Run some numbers in excel? MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE!!!!!

    Which I am sure, is the goal of this stunt. Diversion. Hail Mary.

  7. Could be an attempt to get that “the media hates us” ball rolling even faster… Remember, the people who support Grampa poop pants have a victim complex….

  8. Here’s some from Something Awful:

    “if he can raise the economy above his head im down”

    “BREAKING: John McCain pulls fire alarm to avoid taking midterm ”

    “aw shoot i, uh… think i left one of my seven stoves on…”

    “*rolls up sleeves*
    *works really hard all afternoon*
    *fixes US economy* ”

    “The next President must be able to walk and chew gum at the same time.”

    “”not knowing as much about the economy” as he should to the world’s only saviour in 9 months flat

    what a weight of responsibility mccain must carry “

  9. Sen. Reid (majority leader) just urged Barry to stay where he is, not come to DC and do the debate. In his words, these are issues which need debate.

    McCain is so pwnd.

  10. Guess what? Lindsay Graham is on TV saying that he is dumbfounded that Obama won’t agree with McCain. And he is saying that the senate will fall apart without the two senators. The country needs them in washington more than they need a debate. That, my friends, is my senator.

  11. [re=106497]Serolf Divad[/re]: No need for shot glasses–just drink every time McCain’t says something stupid. Probably a good time to buy a funnel.

  12. [re=106528]StripesAndPlaids[/re]: Yeah, but “The American people have a lot of questions about Bush’s proposed bailout of Wall St. We should not be scared to listen to them, and share our ideas for how best to help Main Street, not just Wall St” or something to that effect.

  13. [re=106532]Agatha[/re]: Who’s going to reimburse us for the balloons, liquor and honey-coated WALNUTS!?? Can your buddies in WORSHington bail out my party expenses, McCain? Huh?

  14. McCain – who has the worst attendance record of any member of Congress (except Chuck Norwood and Jo Ann Davis both of whom fucking DIED) – he suddenly feels like it’s time to show up for work?

  15. McCain prepared for the no-debate by holding a mock no-debate today. According to the McCain camp, the mock no-debate went surprising well, since there was no debate. They hope for him to produce the same result on Friday.

  16. This is what happens when you have a Maverick vs. Old Boy identity crisis — McCain can’t decide whether he wants to try something radical and innovative or something staid and solid. So he compromises with paralysis and confusion. In about five minutes he’s going to get into a fistfight with himself.

  17. [re=106549]Sussemilch[/re]: CNN live feed just said that McGrampy hasn’t been at a Senate vote since April. Hopey at least showed up for one in July. The idea that WALNUTS! is suddenly a necessary cog in the machine is just laughable.

  18. McCain’s camp decided they wanted to postpone the debate after McCain kept falling for Michael Steele’s “A Honky says what?” strategy.

  19. Wait, what, why are you cheating on your wonketteers and surfing other sites’ comments sections??? I mean my comments usually suck but most of these peeps on here are pretty fucking funny, Ken! Well go ahead and consort with the trollops at Fark and Yglesias’ thing (yeah that’s the FIRST place I go for comedy,Matthew Yglesias’ site!) see if we care!

  20. Steve Schit and pRick Davis currently have McCain in the laboratory (pronounced the Englisher way), strapped to the rack, pumping hundreds of cc’s of whatever shit Lance Armstrong used to win 7 jerseys; later they’ll shave his entire baggy body, especially his old man ball sack, put him in the tightest, whitest diaper they can find, screw casters to the soles of his fungus-infested feet, and roll him onto the stage for the flogging of his miserable life.

    And I haven’t even started drinking, much, yet.

  21. John McCain deregulated joint statements in the mid-90s. Now, only one person is required to make a joint statement. He believes we should have greater federal oversight of joint statements, in order to completely deregulate the statement industry.

    Also, obligatory plug for the Unofficial Wonkette Seattle Area Drinking Club (SAD-Club) first meeting, this Friday, 5.30ish, where I sit alone in a bar, watching a television that is not even on.

  22. [re=106528]StripesAndPlaids[/re]: Riiiiight… Obama’s the guy they attacked for all his ‘present’ vote in the Illinois legislature and McCain hasn’t shown up to vote for jack shit in the senate since before he won the nomination, but this whalefuck of a bailout can’t happen without them?

    Oh, Lindsey Graham, you are a precocious little Southern Pixie.

  23. [re=106504]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: Help me out here, so you say he canceled Letterman. But I’ve seen trailers, so he has already recorded Letterman, right? So I’m thinking he said something about needing to bail out/not bail out and the wind has gone and changed on him. Are these things pre-recorded? Anyone have a tape?

  24. [re=106544]PoliTacky[/re]: Yeah, there goes my Friday night… eh. I still had to buy the two buck chuck pińatas. This is going to hit retail sales really hard… ugh WTF

  25. McCain is asking for political naptime. Actually, he wants LITERAL naptime, says WSJ:

    To get in the debating mood, Republican John McCain will host a town-hall event and take a short nap.

    My favorite McCain caricature of the old man who constantly yearns for naptime is coming to life!

  26. [re=106607]Sheepeater[/re]: The clips must be from an older appearance, I think they record day-of, but sometime in the afternoon. Most TeeVee shows do it that way…

    [re=106622]Agatha[/re]: Why is John McCain trying to destroy the alcohol-based retail sales of ‘merica? Hater!

  27. When will the government act and bail out the mccain campaign already? It’s a disaster at least on the level of those investment firm fuck-ups, I’d argue worse.

    The really sad part is, he’s only a few points behind. How is that fucking possible? How am I able to keep being shocked by how prejudiced america is? In 2004 I went nuts for about 2 weeks after election wondering how my country could hate gays so much that they would give the current fuck-nuts in chief another run at it. In 2008 it seems impossible that any human being on this planet (even david duke) could hate the afrikanz so much that they’d let our country be brutally prison raped for another four years (even the former grand wizard, senile old coot, senator byrd got over it). But America is that fucking racist. Or at least it seems so, because there can’t be any other rational explanation for this. Mccain has a hard-on for war larger and harder than bush’s and is completely clueless about everything else and has exercised no judgment throughout this campaign, while proving what a corrupt wrinkled old sack he is. His second in command is so incompetent and corrupt she couldn’t even run a 6,000 person town properly. It is insane that Barry isn’t up by over 20 points. Not because he’s the greatest thing ever, but because he’s basically an intelligent and decent guy who may be our only hope to return basic competence to government. I’m not even talking about anything running well. Just this country not being a giant failure shit sandwich.

    Sorry – It started off with the intent to be humorous, but I just got worked up and couldn’t stop. I needed that rant as it has been building up for some time and I just needed to get it out. I apologize to my beloved wonkette and request mercy for my transgression.

  28. [re=106704]Chuck Fildren[/re]: ‘I apologize to my beloved wonkette and request mercy for my transgression.’
    Just a warning: Punishment involves a wetsuit, ballgag and a video of Ralph Nader debating a damp, soiled washcloth.

  29. [re=106576]iwillsavethispatient[/re]: I promise I won’t miss the next one. Honestly I wouldn’t be much fun this Friday anyways because I am one of the poors and am resorting to drinking from empty glasses left around Belltown area pubs. Spitfire sounds fucking awesome though.

  30. Let’s see what happens. If a president should be able to handle more than one issue at a time, he should certainly be able to debate more than one candidate at a time. It’s time for Obama to stand up and say that he’s willing to debate the third party candidates. Otherwise, he’s as gutless as McCain.

    After all, if you don’t have to guts to face Nader and Barr, you obviously won’t be able to stand up to Putin and Ahmedinijad.

  31. [re=106722]PoliTacky[/re]: as long as it doesn’t involve 9/11 truthers I think I’ll survive. Thank you for your graciousness in not involving them.

  32. Everyone knew McCain was just bullshitting us….. it has been so long since he has actually been to his DC office that:

    1. he can’t find the damned thing and
    2. his long vacant office, like his long vacant head, is too full of cobwebs to be of any use.

  33. [re=106761]Mike T[/re]: Most of the ‘Murican voters couldn’t give a shit about what Nader or Barr have to say, so “meh,” don’t waste my time. I’d rather hear more from candidates that are in a position to win. The pretend-candidates get their chance for attention earlier in the silly season, after that, its time for a serious person to choose between the main brands or a make a protest vote already.

  34. McCain suspends, wears Depends, calls his wife a c–t, then he pulls this stunt, his lady doesn’t blink, she also cannot think … where are the poets when we need them to pull these thoughts together into a dump?

  35. Quick! someone stop the countdown clock that was tracking how long it would take for the Walnuts campaign
    to conjure a reason to cancel or ‘postpone’ the VP Debate.

  36. Finally, for God’s sake SOMEBODY is doing something to save this country from a takeover by the communist agents of George Bush and Dr. Seuss’s son and Peter Boyle’s little boy Madeleine Kahn gestated after that scene in Young Frankenstein. That’s right–Ole Walnuts is jumping in Cindy’s Vicodin Express Painless Huge Private Jet That She Has and You Don’t Because You Are a Loser Person, and heading for Washington to leak senile ratshit from his ears because only he can fix this Frightful Mess by gallantly sacrificing the 8.3 million lobbyists who run his campaign to the service of the country and get us Back On Track, instead of debating that Half Breed Muslin. Everybody knows this sorry mess whereby Minorities and People of Unlikely Means took advantage of the small-town values of Wall Street, and so with duplicitous financial acumen bought houses They Knew They Couldn’t Afford! And left those Poor Mom & Pop AIG & Lehmans, etc. and so forth holding the bag! But with his valiant crew of “Country First Maverick Lobbyists”(© 2008 McCain for President), he’ll get the people we need to run the country back where they belong!

  37. Taxpaid – Does anything of what you just said actually track. Jeez, this blog attracts only
    Paranoid schizos, O/C disorders, sexual disorder/perversions….. Must be a Left Coast thing. Try putting a comma, period or paragraph in once in a while – it’s a dead giveaway for your little “problem”.

    Chuck Fildren – WTF moniker is that. Pedophiles have needs too, right? Obviously, a NAMBLA man,
    a REAL man!

    Anyway, back to the program.

    Remember CNN newsrooomies wigging out and Wolf Schitzler bobbling around after Kerry lost – big?
    “Uhhhh, he had it in the bag, he had it in the bag!” Fumbling with his papers…. “we had him winning big, big!!! What happened?” The pollsters had John in the White House. Problem is, the Right in this country wasn’t buying it then, and they aren’t buying it now. You think we were split then?

    What makes you think BO will “heal us as a nation?” Slave reparations, gun-grabbing, taxing the middle class until they bleed out rectally? What makes any of you pandering Wiggers think this “idealism for change” equates into a new path to “Rebuild our nation.” Empty promises from an empty campaign, snake oil and smoke. He has nothing to stand on, except his abysmal voting record.
    Ahh, but we forget about that, just like the media that gives him a blank check on everything.

    Problem is, Obama, just like John Kerry, well, the boy is just a big phony, playing off the collective white guilt lingering from the sixties. Face it, you’re all brow beaten into feeling awful about the harrowing 60’s (Detroit, Watts, DC – remember the looting and burning? Or did we forget about that too?) and feeling sorry for the “underprivileged.” Not me, I don’t buy it.
    Not then, not now, not in the future. Just wait until her Holy Highness Queen Michelle takes charge.

    You think Hillary was bad – the intern “issues”, the cocaine/drug use, sordid lesbian affairs and separate bedrooms, her HIPPA privacy health care initiative…. Now you’ll just have an issue-laden, angry black woman ranting at the white middle class for all of her perceived slights – and on national prime time. Nice – real nice. Good choice.

    Too bad Hillary isn’t on the ballot – that might have pushed him over the edge….. losers.

    Oh, and the Media is hot for Obama – Wolf Blitzer is absolutely infatuated with BO. It’s embarassing the way he sucks up whenever Barrack comes out with his latest “I have a plan…..”, “McCains’ too old” litany. A bobblehead, nothing more, pathetic.

    Face it – Wolf goes to the mens’ room, sits in a stall and beats off with a glossy picture of Obama in his hand. I can hear him now… “oh Obama, you da man, YOU DA MAN… YARRRGH!”
    Wolfie and his newsies suffers from that good ‘ole collective white guilt. Not the rest of us. ;)

  38. [re=106520]magic titty[/re]: anyone else here end up reading fear and loathing on the campaign trail every even year? jesus christ. fuck you, ben smith.

  39. [re=106520]magic titty[/re]: why was that comment so very destroyed? ibid: “anyone else find themselves reading fear and loathing on the campaign trail every even year? jesus christ. fuck you, ben smith”

  40. It’s time for John McCainiacs
    And they’re crazy to the max
    So just sit back and relax
    Let the economy collapse
    They’re John McCainiacs!

    Come join the P.O.W.
    and the mayor of Big Lots
    Just like we did some years ago
    When we thought Bush was hot
    They say the more we backed them
    The safer we have got
    Now hell breaks loose
    In the voting booths
    And moose are getting shot

    For John McCainiacs
    One is cute, the other hacks
    But both of them wear church slacks
    While they get corporate paybacks
    Jo-ohn McCainiacs

    Meet Palin and the child
    some once thought was never hers
    Her schedule going wild
    On the verge of giving birth
    But no labor pains here sir,
    Contractions didn’t hurt
    He’s got Down Syndrome and named Trig
    Feel sorry for the squirt

    But John McCainiacs
    They will vote based on attacks
    They’re crazy to the max
    With an innate fear of blacks
    They’re John McCain-y’s
    Totally insaney
    (Divorce and Teenage Babies!)

    John McCainiacs!
    “Screw all the facts!”

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