UNCLE TED'S EXPENSIVE CABIN  11:54 am September 24, 2008

Brave Alaskans Liveblog Ted Stevens’ Trial So We Don’t Have To!

by Sara K. Smith

Justice, Alaska styleUncle Ted Stevens, the elderly fraud who “gets hysterical when he has to spend his own money,” will soon be going to trial for various lies related to the renovation of his Alaskan Sex Cabin in the wilds of Girdwood. The good people of the Alaska Wilderness Political Fund will be liveblogging the whole agonizing ordeal, from jury selection to the part where Ted Stevens snaps on the witness stand and declares “This whole court’s out of order!” and gets wheeled off for shock treatments while his Inuit pal throws a marble wash station out the window. Catch it all here. [A Bridge to Justice]

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grendel September 24, 2008 at 11:57 am

Good thing this isn’t hurting his chances of re-election.

Texan Bulldoggette September 24, 2008 at 11:57 am

For crying out loud, don’t mention sex & Stevens in the same sentence!

WhatTheHeck September 24, 2008 at 12:00 pm

When you live on the front lines of the not-so-cold-war, one deserves a cosy bunker.
In fact this trial is a sham. We should be paying Stevens’ lobbyists for the free work they did on his bunker.

Miller September 24, 2008 at 12:02 pm

Is he wearing a Hulk tie or has he gone for the full Hulk costume? You know, to show he’s serious.


SayItWithWookies September 24, 2008 at 12:04 pm

How much longer must America be held hostage to this travesty? I’m not talking about the Stevens trial — I’m talking about the senseless depiction of penguins and polar bears as inhabiting the same environment? Please make a contribution today to the American Society for the Proper Depiction of Penguins as Antarctic Denizens and help stop the madness. Thank you.

AnnieGetYourFun September 24, 2008 at 12:05 pm

Please let him say “You can’t handle the truth”… please let him say “You can’t handle the truth”…

Serolf Divad September 24, 2008 at 12:05 pm


Alaska is the American Welfare state, and Ted Stevens is their sugar daddy. You didn’t think the rugged individualist welfare queens in that state would toss him aside just because he steals for himself, too, did you?

obfuscator September 24, 2008 at 12:08 pm


If he shows up wearing those big plastic Hulk hands, running around the courtroom yelling “Stevens MAD!! Now… Stevens SMASH!!!”, then I will personally donate $4.36 to his reelection bid.

SayItWithWookies September 24, 2008 at 12:08 pm

[re=105759]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Obviously no question mark after environment. And no, the cymbals don’t bother me. Our symphony orchestra had a penguin who was a pretty good violist, so the cymbals aren’t much of a stretch. But he’d never been to the north pole.

Serolf Divad September 24, 2008 at 12:08 pm


Penguins and Polar bears both inhabited Alaska just after the fall of man and before the great flood… you know… back when the descendants of Cain were running around hunting Stegosaurus for their tasty, tender meat?

azw88 September 24, 2008 at 12:09 pm

[re=105759]SayItWithWookies[/re]: That picture doesn’t depict reality, it depicts the very near future, what
With the northern icesheet melting, polar bears will be migrating to the south pole, where irate pengiuns will seek to aggrevate the interlopers in order to drive them back to ‘their own neighborhoods’.

columnv September 24, 2008 at 12:11 pm

[re=105760]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: I want him to say, “I am the law!!!!!11!!!!”

Strictly for the Tardcore September 24, 2008 at 12:12 pm

Ted Stevens is Andy Dufresne in The Anchorage Redemption.

Coming to a federal prison in 2009.

Terry September 24, 2008 at 12:15 pm


I have a theory that it’s the polar bear who is in the wrong place. The poor bear was transported to the Antarctic, where he’s despondent that not only is he far from home and his preferred food sources, but these pain in the arse penguins won’t let him get a moment’s rest.

magic titty September 24, 2008 at 12:15 pm

Here’s hoping for some “King Kong ain’t got NOTHIN ON ME!!!”

AngryBlakGuy September 24, 2008 at 12:17 pm

…I wonder what penguin taste like? Anyways back on subject; pay attention folks you are about to get a preview of what WALNUTS! is going to look like during the debates.

Lascauxcaveman September 24, 2008 at 12:17 pm

Heh. “Alaskan Sex Cabin.” Sara sure knows how to spice up a story about a completely otherwise banal corruption scandal.

SKS, give ma a call if/when you need to bring a photographer up there to do an on-site investigative report on the cabin in question. And invite Liz, too, for the video.

Uncle Al September 24, 2008 at 12:18 pm

Is there any way we can hope Sarah (“Don’t ask ME any questions, I’m just a girl!”) Palin will get dragged into the trial somehow?
Santa, that’s what I want for Xmas!

AngryBlakGuy September 24, 2008 at 12:18 pm

[re=105781]magic titty[/re]: …hehehe, or better yet “Man up nigga! Man up!”

Lascauxcaveman September 24, 2008 at 12:21 pm

[re=105781]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Or you could give “me” a call; ma wouldn’t be interested. Too old for that kind of adventure.

I’m more videogenic, anyway.

Borat September 24, 2008 at 12:22 pm

Ah, now the whole log cabin penny thing makes sense to me.

dano September 24, 2008 at 12:23 pm

[re=105782]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Indeed. Walnuts is going to make Nixon look glamorous. He’ll have to stand up there with a taller, younger, and more articulate opponent and it will not go well for him. ( I forgot to mention clean ).

pattycake September 24, 2008 at 12:28 pm

[re=105782]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Penguin tastes like greasy fish.

Harold_Ignoramis September 24, 2008 at 12:30 pm

He can see Alaska State Penitentary from his house.

Dientes September 24, 2008 at 12:31 pm

[re=105766]Serolf Divad[/re]: You mean McCain, right?

Terry September 24, 2008 at 12:36 pm


…and soon he’ll be able to see his house from the penitentary.

shortsshortsshorts September 24, 2008 at 12:42 pm

I’m feeling an Enkidu moment coming on. After spending so much time in the great white north there is surely no way Ted can handle civil society. Therefore this trial is a librul bias.

obfuscator September 24, 2008 at 12:42 pm

[re=105786]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: If he gets acquitted, he’ll jump up and down with his legal team screaming “Say ‘WORD’, son! WHAT?!” over and over.

Itsjustme September 24, 2008 at 12:46 pm

Uh Ohhh, Rolling Stone Magazine is going to be on the wrong side of Walnuts and Bible Spice.

grendel September 24, 2008 at 12:48 pm

[re=105793]dano[/re]: You say articulate like it’s an advantage. It’s not.

Itsjustme September 24, 2008 at 12:48 pm

[re=105782]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Are you old enough to remember those films of Eskimos eating blubber? I can’t shake that vision every time Bible Spice is mentioned.

Cogito Ergo Bibo September 24, 2008 at 12:58 pm

I think that, in this time of economic crisis, the country may have to let some of the States go. Alaska was one of the last in. I think the time has come to part company.

AngryBlakGuy September 24, 2008 at 1:15 pm

[re=105827]Itsjustme[/re]: …yeah, I think I remember those specials on PBS. Those were the days when they would show the women from the Amazon Rain Forrest and not blur out their breast! The good ‘ol days my friend.

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