It’s not really a factor, but then again OK, it is a HUGE factor, to keep in mind the type of horrific douchecocks that this bailout would keep in business most immediately. Your associate editor recently graduated with an English degree from a college known mostly for its business school and watched many of his… “colleagues” blindly take “safe” & high-paying & evil jobs at Lehman, Merrill Lynch, etc., and has been SO AMAZINGLY HAPPY to watch so many of them lose these same jobs recently. It’s absolutely the best part of this crisis. Because check out what this still-employed Merrill Lynch-cum-Bank of America person has to say: “I was in denial. You see, Merrill has a much better repuation than a commercial bank like Bank of America. I was shocked I would be joining a lower-tier commercial bank. There’s a feeling, ‘I didn’t go through this whole interview process to work at a commercial bank.’” This is the standard. So how about we only bail out these companies if they agree to fire all of their remaining shitsack employees, hmm? [IvyGate]
Poor Wall Street I-Bankers With Jobs Whining About Terrible Crap
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{ 104 comments }
Fire them??? I say sell them all to the Chinese or use them as collateral.
“I was shocked I would be joining a lower-tier of douchebaggery.”
Ha ha, our Wonkette provides the cradle-to-grave job security that a ‘lower-tier commercial bank’ can only dream of offering.
As their new overlord, I, for one, welcome this new class of underling ivy league shitsacks with burdensome student loans.
The investment bankers and the doctors should have a shitsack race.
Douchecock Decathalon. First event: treating the wait staff like shit.
I always said arts & humanities degrees were good for something!
And I was half-right; business degrees are suddenly useless so that makes English degrees slighly less crap in comparison. Oh happy day! Vindicated!
I just got off the phone with my friend. He is pannicking hardcore about how our credit cards might be useless by the end of the week. As an Eagle Scout, I am pumped because these douche dollops all look like easy prey. When shit does collapse, I’ll probably do at least as well as the dude in “The Road.”
Second event: commenting on how much your girlfriend eats.
Now, you have to feel sympathy for these jerks. Mummy and Daddy put them in the proper schools from that expensive country day school up through an Ivy league school Their future is supposed to be SET and then something like this happens. It’s just not fair to make them so..so..so pedestrian.
C’mon, Newell. How would you feel, if say, there was a global political blog meltdown, and Wonkette were to be taken over by, say, the Washington Times, turned into a right-wing, Mooney-lovin’, even a paul-tard blogette? Hmmm? How would you feel? Not so good. There’s not enough beer in Iraq to heal that pain.
FLIP MY BURGER IVY FINANCE HOES.
Yeeaahh…..
[re=105334]Monkey[/re]: I bet there are some weird yet slightly awesome benefits when you work for the Moonies.
Did they all go to the in-house gym one last time before cleaning out their workspace?
Helping people like this is what compassionate conservatism is all about.
Jesus. I graduated from college in 2001, and these guys were the biggest douches on campus then. It’s glad to see that nothing’s changed over the course of Pres’dent Bush’s administration. In many ways.
I paid my AmEx card off yesterday. I love my big envelope of cash!
…its going to be so satisfying hearing douchebags like this asking me “do you need your balance” when I deposit my pitiful paycheck!
Glad to see you’re big enough to not hold any bitter feelings, there, Jim…
That is a pretty funny quote though.
“Like, now I’m forced to take an equally high-paying job in a company that has, like, ATMs in, like Walmart!….I know, right? Like GAWD!”
[re=105336]Outstando[/re]: Having sex with underage, brainwashed, android children not being one of them. Having sex with of age, brainwashed, android women, um…no, I’ll flip burgers.
[re=105337]Dientes[/re]: And take all the Bull-y towels?
Schadenfreude, much?
[re=105340]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: As in my case, the pleasure will not balance out the pain (puntended).
[re=105331]Outstando[/re]: Pretty much anything from the Friday-night agenda for Late Night Shots.
[re=105344]Texas2Step[/re]: Yes. Are you surprised to see a blogger be petty?
You know what would be great? If EVERY post could have the words “douchecock” and “shitsack,” always.
some sympathy please, these people have community college loans to pay off, families, mistresses and coke dealers that need lovin
[re=105339]loquaciousmusic[/re]: Paid off? AmEx? That’s very elitist of you, on two counts!
[re=105335]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: do you realise that your user name takes on whole new connotations in this time of troubled financial institutions?
Shorts Shorts? Isn’t this the behavior that caused the debacle?
For all their greed, these poor bastards are still human and deserve some sympathy.
HaHaHaHaHa. Join me in the U.N. sponsored food line, jerks.
[re=105348]Jim Newell[/re]: Absolutely not. In fact, when it’s Wonkette, I love it.
I’ve got all kinds of ponds that need mucked out and whole fields of spiny invasive plants that I could use some out of work ivy-league day laborers to clear.
I’m a lawyer in the financial services sector and I’ve had two headhunters try to poach me in the last two weeks. Not all us shitsacks are hurting.
Third Event: “My Best Friend is , but…” oratory competition.
Poor babies. I thought all those illegal Mexicans were doing the lower tier stuff. A poor alien can’t compete for those jobs against someone with a business degree. These out of work and out of luck widdle investment bankers should be allowed at least to run Social Security.
God, they’re not even worth hate-fucking.
Guy in Photo: “we’re just, ya know, we’re all worried. Neither myself nor the two ladies behind me know for sure if we will be able to buy a pair of high-end trendy flip-flops when these get dirty. It’s not an appealing thought to, ya know, to like, wear dirty shoes, right?”
[re=105372]Special Agent Jack Mehoff[/re]: People in photo: “Hey, we’re about to go out to the quad and play some Ultimate, you down?”
[re=105366]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]: congrats???
[re=105366]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]: Nice to see the taxpayer covering your bonus in this and the coming quarters, eh? It’s a rainmaker for Canmon and WcCain!
[re=105318]Johnny Zhivago[/re]:
what about part time doctors, part time wonketteers?
[re=105348]Jim Newell[/re]: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!!!!! I’m surprised the world hasn’t imploded….Yet….
[re=105366]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]: That must have been one big pot of boiling water.
That’s probably because they need lawyers in their new merger sweatshops. So many mergers, so few douchecocks.
Either that, or you’ve severely misunderstood their use of poaching… Maybe this downturn has hurt them so much that to survive they need to eat the flesh of a lawyer just to feel superior. I wouldn’t be surprised…
[re=105382]OhYeahAlright[/re]: Fuck me, that was [re=105366]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]:
[re=105381]S. Cullen Bonz[/re]: drumroll, please
HAHAHA!! remember this gem? I swear its more relevant now than ever. “I refuse to work, so it’s been difficult”
Funny, a young lady of my acquaintance at Wharton said the other day she’s like so pumped cuz the douchecocks in finance are having their balls fried. She is in something called “marketing”, and thinks the finance geeks are all shitsacks. She is quite happy because SHE will get teh job. So apparently there are class distinctions even in the Ivy biz schools. Who knew?
Practice now Ive Bitches – “Would you like to supersize that?”
[re=105382]OhYeahAlright[/re]: MMM….Hilltard…
I would be a lot more inclined to support the bailout fund if these people each had to contribute a kidney and sell their plasma a couple of times a week.
Fuck ‘em all. And by Fuck ‘em all, I don’t mean the kind of Fuck ‘em all that
one says about the ass bites that talk on their cel-phones when you’re trying
to watch a movie. Especially the Nex-tel jerks in the walkie talkie mode.
No, I’m talking about Fuck ‘em all as you say about the morons that said vote
for Nader, since there’s no difference between republicans and democrats.
That sort of Fuck ‘em all.
[re=105388]erymanthian bore[/re]:
That was me also a few days ago. I was so happy because the other kids at Wharton that were even bigger douchebags than me and went into finance jobs, while the rest of the Wharton kids who weren’t quite douche-y enough to go into finance survived. But then I lost my job due to all the finance kids f-ing everything else up. And now I just really wish those other Wharton kids weren’t such cocky douchebags that they screwed up everything for everyone.
Poor babies. I hear that community organizers are doing well these days.
Wait until all these money whores get older and see the real, awful, hard, cold reality of life – gravity.
you see, it’s all part of the plan – they were schemers, they had plans, and. . . look where that got them.
we will relish throwing joker dollars at these dtards atop their piles of imaginary money. . .
[re=105326]Outstando[/re]: This leads to karma faster than the banking debacle. You know that when people are rude, the wait staff does “stuff” to their food. I always wondered why my ex-boss had so many GI issues until I made this connection. Mean people suck, and also unknowingly eat high priced food with bugs in it.
[re=105391]mookworthjwilson[/re]: Did I come off that way? Or wait? What? I’m so confused suddenly… Maybe I… No…
‘I didn’t go through this whole interview process to work at a commercial bank.’
At the same time they mock the guy who graduated from Harvard and became a community organizer…Only in Amerika.
Hey! when is Hugo Chavez addressing the UN? I wanna see what the Comandante has to say about these poor ivy league boys&girls…pityyankees!
[re=105364]MARCdMan[/re]: I hear they need targets for the large hadron collider…They seem to get an opening after almost every test.
I mean where else can you get benefits that include “playing with microscopic black holes and quark-gluon plasmas”? That beats the shit out of Google’s massages and laundry any day!
[re=105398]snig[/re]: Is “bugs” your euphemism for “bodily fluids”?
My personal credo is: “Never mess with anyone who handles your food or holds sharp objects anywhere near you.” (eg. hairstylists)
[re=105402]loudmouthredhead[/re]: A Benihaha dinner covers both.
[re=105366]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]: A rich bitter NY finance lawyer… who woulda thunk it
What about MBAs? Can I laugh at them, too?
I remember going back to school and met this one Bidniz tool. He and his housemates threw a kegger, but refused to open up the last keg because they could make a profit (a profit?) if they returned the unopened one. A bunch of us grabbed the untapped keg, the extra pump and tapped that fucker. The guy spent the next hour whining about losing his profit. Coincidentally, years later I bumped into him at an upscale strip club at a friend’s bachelor party. He was drunk out of his mind and bragging to everyone about how much money he blew on his expense account. It was somewhere in the neighborhood of $5K. I asked him who his client was. He grinned and said, “MMMMMMEEEEEE!!!!!”
I think he worked for Lehman Bros. Heh.
Sorry to advertise, but you all should really come check out this FREE CHAT ROOM ACTION!
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Yes, I am a Republican senator.
Hmmm….yeah…let’s all mock the knuckleheads whose company failed.
According to the UK Newspaper The Independent:
Up to 10,000 staff at the New York office of the bankrupt investment bank Lehman Brothers will share a bonus pool set aside for them that is worth $2.5bn (£1.4bn), Barclays Bank, which is buying the business, confirmed last night.
I wonder if it is too late to apply for a job at Lehman Bros.
[re=105394]Oxy Moron[/re]: At least you’ve identified that everyone who goes to business school is douchey, always and forever. I’m glad to hear you’ve found your place in the douche pecking order.
[re=105404]S. Cullen Bonz[/re]: Exactly. You’ll note that the oil/water/mysterious liquid they put on the grills never comes out of a commercially labeled container…
I’ve seen Fight Club + Waiting: Don’t. Fuck. With. Food people.
[re=105398]snig[/re]: His tapeworm is probably a fully-mature, 7-10 m long by now.
Several of us are having hot gay naked chat in some chat room that Tuna came up with. It is steamy.
Apparently Oprah is in here too. Feel free to come, and once again I apologize to Ken Layne and my other overlords for pluggin this feeble thing I’m making no money off of.
http://wonkette.chatango.com/
haha! more power to you. i totally agree with the whole schaedenfreude of seeing Wharton kids worry about their so-called “secure future.” Viva la liberal arts degree!
these people should take up heroin. maybe new york will get edgy again!
so far only the wall street guys are telling us how important they are. hey wall street guys, #$&^ &%$.
oh wait, wall street guys lobbyists are lobbying our govt. guys.
what chance do we have?
signed: notahappycamper.
“Hopefully, Bank of America won’t change too much of Merrill’s culture.”
No, B of A will want to keep everything that brought Merrill Lynch to within a week of total collapse. Why else would they but them?
[re=105366]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]: If that doesn’t work out for you, your ability to deliver a straight line like that could yield a lucrative career in Vaudeville.
Do you know what they call an investment broker on Wall Street now? “Hey waiter!”
let’s put remote sensors down their pants & have them tracked by predator drones. we finally get some real value for the taxpayer… here’s how it’s done: http://obrag.org/?p=1610
What bothers me the most is the sense of entitlement these pricks have. They’re like “What’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine if I can get away with it.” What the hell do they learn in those MBA programs; that they have a right to make money no matter what? Screw them! Screw all of them! Send them to China as indentured servants to pay off our debt to the Chinese Government.
[re=105406]ManchuCandidate[/re]: No, of course you can’t laugh at MBAs. The guy running this country has a Harvard MBA. Try to show some respect for his knowledge and perspicacity.
[re=105415]facehead[/re]: So, is chatango like being “in the tank?”
[re=105457]SayItWithWookies[/re]: You know if you called him perspicacious, he’d tell you he never sweats.
Dammit, where’s the drama? I want to see people jumping out windows screaming “Fuuuuuck B of Aaaaa!” Then said person falls to his or her death and turns into a shiny new penny which is what they were worth in the first place.
[re=105468]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: And I would believe him. He certainly doesn’t seem to have broken a sweat yet.
[re=105371]tunamelt[/re]: well of course they are!!!
fire them AND put they asses in jail.
[re=105339]loquaciousmusic[/re]: Me, I graduated college in 1990. When the FIRST Bush was in office. Same douches. Can we start the revolution already, please?
Folks like him would make fine sausage. Note to self, add “Sweeney Todd” to Netflix list.
As an actual Bank of Mordor (“The Burning Eye ceaselessly watches your money”) employee, I really really look forwards to seeing his douchebag spirit crushed like a grape. Then, we’ll all feed on the bitter bitter juice. Such is our way. And if he sits in the cubicle next to me, even better! There’s nothing like borrowing someone’s chair and farting on it throughout the late shift…
[re=105487]Mahatma Froglegs[/re]: You should just do an upper decker and call it a day. Much better than merely farting on someone’s chair.
Art history major here. It is so sweet watching these business majors running around in hopeless little circles. Hear that? Those are my pathetically obscure facts opening a can of whoop-ass on their “financial security”.
geez, Jim, I had no idea you went to Penn….
My psychology degree kicks your MBA’s ass. Also libtard Ivy Leaguers can welcome their Community Org Overlords. Ivy League GOPturds should report immediately to the nearest United States Marine Corp recruiter. Semper Fi, assholes.
though some may reach for the stars / others may end up behind bars…
from my little corner of an alternate universe:
seems like wall street hysteria is feeding on itself. these people are just reinforcing their own sky-is-falling scenario for their own benefit. some will die. let it be them. that’s evolution.
I’m joining this here kickline of the Schadenfreude Festival. My please if’n to tell the Selfishists welcome to 1978. I’m looking forward to remakes of Sex and the City set in the Bowery where cosmopolitans are made with Ripple 55.
Ahh reading this post has reinforced the size of my genitalia, which has been progressively shrunk throughout my years of envy of others who went on to get useful degrees from college and got laid mo— err made more mone— errr became huge douchenozzlebags. Which I’m not. Cause I comment on blogs.
fire all these whiners? sure. a few month/years of dumpster diving should help them focus. plus who cares about them once the New Economic Policy (NEP) is in place.
Merrill Friggin Lynch. That was the company that loaned a family down the street 600k for a tiny cape cod that cost $750k. This family clearly was misled and had no way of paying that mortgage. The house has been empty over a year. The house is on the market for $599k and it isn’t getting sold anytime soon. They don’t even have open houses for it. It is all a sick joke.
No mercy.
Well, they have a point. Can you imagine the low grade card stock they use in retail? Probably use common fonts too.
[re=105594]texette[/re]: *shivers* *cries*
Feeling the shame of these credit finance tyros and I will continue to do so when, at the end of the year, they cash their bonus check and it says “Bank of America” on it rather than Merrill Lynch.
“WE MAKE MONEY THE OLD-FASHION WAY. WE TAKE IT FROM YOU.” Good times, good times.
That picture of the douchecock in the red shorts, flops and backwards baseball cap is still making me ill. I know that guy so well. I still want to slap him. Look at the way he swings his arm. Fuck.
[re=105740]Outstando[/re]: He actually does remind me of a guy I went to school with, so much so that I think it might actually be him. I’m sure it will not surprise anyone in the slightest to hear that he was in an a cappella group on campus.
I foresee an upturn in Law School applications as the latest round of graduates puts the careers in a waiting pattern until easy money jobs roll around again.
Is there a trading floor selling graduate school futures? I want to buy me some Georgetown.
Little free advice. Sell Bioscience PhDs. The downturn is not turning in the medium term. I would like to buy Engineering, but they only trade on the Shanghai exchange.
I dated a girl at Merill a decade ago… took her a couple of years to become human again after the experience. I’m going to have to have a few words with Agent FlipFlops. I told him to be invisible when boosting stuff for a blow-out sale on EBay. And don’t any of you try to buy http://www.youcanstillbuycrapfromlehman.com. It’s mine. I called it first. You guys can have the http://www.buycrapfrommerrill.com.
[re=105383]OhYeahAlright[/re]: the headhunter looking for lawyers is pimping for Beelzebub, Inc., with retirement guaranteed in a hot climate.
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