historic events

Liveblogging John McCain’s First Press Conference of the 21st Century

FIVE AND A HALF YEARSRemember when John McCain’s favorite activity was getting a sponge bath from his adoring media followers? Well, now he is just a wretched angry old man with no honor and no supporters, because the media has turned on him! All because he lies about everything, and is senile! UNFAIR YOU ARE ALL IN THE TANK. Let’s watch his thing, together, and see how he finally reminds everyone that he was, of course, tortured, in the war, and it was painful.

4:28 PM — And the Dow closes down another 161 points, or another one-and-a-half percent.
4:29 PM — It’s starting! “… potential collapse of our financial system.” Ha, that is his intro, on MSNBC.
4:30 PM — Already stuttering.
4:30 PM — He was against the bailout before he was for it!
4:30 PM — “A great burden is on the American people.”
4:31 PM — Uhh, is he proposing that $700 billion be instead used to rebuild America’s infrastructure?
4:31 PM — No, apparently not. Just a pointless comparison.
4:32 PM — Is he aware the Senate sort of met today and had hearings about this bailout?
4:33 PM — No, apparently not.
4:34 PM — “The helicopters of Wall Street tycoons” are bad. Cindy McCain’s private jet is good!
4:34 PM — Earmarks!
4:35 PM — So, if there’s any relief for actual working people getting crushed by the housing collapse, it will be called “earmarks” by McCain, and then he’ll vote for it.
4:35 PM — Questions!
4:35 PM — McCain will not say whether he’ll vote for the bailout bill or not, because …. it’s a great financial crisis, “the biggest financial crisis since World War II.” The hell is he talking about? He must be watching experimental TVs and wondering what happened to President Hoover.
4:37 PM — McCain is very proud of Carly Fiorina because she was once a secretary! He won’t answer any questions at all.
4:38 PM — Q: Which of those five things you just listed would be a dealbreaker if it’s not in the bailout bill? McCAIN: “I can’t answer that. Blah blah the American people.”
4:39 PM — Would McCain support another economic stimulus plan?
4:40 PM — No.
4:40 PM — Cut taxes, etc., incentives … oh shit he is talking about Ireland again. All of America’s businesses are going to Ireland.
4:40 PM — OH DEAR GOD HE IS COMPLETELY SENILE.
4:41 PM — “We need to grow this government, ha ha, I mean, uh, we need to not grow this economy, uh, ha, thank you very much.”
4:46 PM — Now this pinhead Ron Christie is trying to defend what was probably the lamest press conference ever given by a major party candidate.
4:47 PM — See, Barack Obama is bad for not naming whatever thing will be a dealbreaker for his support of the bailout plan. But McCain is good for not naming whatever thing will be a dealbreaker for his support of the bailout plan. He’s a maverick!
4:50 PM — Okay, back to your regularly scheduled daytime cable bullshit. We will hide this remote again, in the special Desk Drawer of Sorrows, until Friday night when we have to watch the first debate.

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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60 comments

  1. liberaltruthsayer

    Can you fucking imagine four years of this boring old man rambling on incoherently, incapable of staying on topic? Jesus, he makes Admiral Stockdale seem spry and cogent.

  2. randomsausage

    he’s stammering more than Simple Jack with Tourette’s. Why do you hate the English language John McCain? Why?

  3. JadedDIssonance

    I’m sorry kitty kitty, you can vote neither for nor against this constitution. So sorry.

    Creeptards.

  4. Sussemilch

    It’s sad to think about the state of affairs. Financially weak, a decaying health system, crumbling infrastructure, suffering an identity crisis, continually distracted, no sense of history, angry at everyone and ready to fight,

    ..but enough about John McCain.

  5. sezme

    [re=105050]NewSpence[/re]: You could ask how much more boring he could possibly be? and the answer would be ‘none’. None more boring.

  6. Texan Bulldoggette

    Walnuts probably thought Fiorina got a ‘golden shower’ instead of a ‘golden parachute’. Being the gentleman that he is, he refuses to comment on it.

  7. SayItWithWookies

    “My friends, I don’t know shit about the economy. But my running mate, Sarah Palin, can count to seven.”

  8. Borat

    Where did this tank come from? Is this some kind of CIA code speak for waterboarding?

    Anyway, not having the benefit of seeing Walnuts monotony right now, thanks for the liveblog. So he’s basically proposing that his construction friends get the $700billion for more more stupid factories, highways, steel mills and coal mines in PA? Yeah, this guy’s in touch with the new economy. Hasn’t he ever heard of Intertube stocks? We just need to leverage them up at a 40-1 debt-to-equity ratio then short them to high hell, and we can pay off all the debts so we can afford to bomb the vietcong again

  9. magic titty

    Someone sounds a little not-qualified to lead…
    John McCain is completely fucking useless – why can’t people see this?
    This entire campaign is an unscrupulous effort by his managers and fixers to burn through billions in land and hookers in the next four years.

    Why can’t people see this fiasco for what it really is and kindly vote no?

  10. Sussemilch

    [re=105073]magic titty[/re]: Oh wait, I know this answer… it was on the test in 2000… I know I’ve seen it before…

  11. Borat

    [re=105069]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Are you saying Walnuts delivered said shower. Well, that that makes him 0.5% more presidential in my book. I mean even Clinton wasn’t bold enough to claim that. Go Walnuts! Pixxx please!

  12. Gopherit v2.0

    [re=105087]Dave J.[/re]: Not yet, silly. Wait for McCain and the Moosey-Succubus to steal the election first.

  13. Texan Bulldoggette

    [re=105089]Borat[/re]: Not sure about the shower part, but I’m sure there are plenty of HPers who would be more than willing to shit on her.

  14. Walter Sobchak

    Hey, I think we need to determine what the official Wonkette Debate Season drinking game is. Does anyone know how to use those fancy google docs?

  15. d4g33z

    [re=105060]liberaltruthsayer[/re]: Mercifully, it will be only four weeks, and then he’ll have a massive coronary embolism. Then we’ll have four years of President Palin!

  16. Dreamer

    I wonder if anyone ever proposed to McSenile that he and the country would be served best if he devotes his remaining years spending his Beer Heiress’ money instead of seeking the presidency.

  17. Borat

    [re=105087]Dave J.[/re]: See here’s the problem, all the smart people have suitable skills to move away. Also, we don’t have enough babies because we are not-in-the-closet gay with fake wives and children. And, we aren’t polygimists.

    Seriously. Go to the CIA world factbook. Look at countries that allow multiple wives and crack down on gayz. They have a population growth rate of 4-5x of US and Europe. Same applies to smart people and stupid people in America. All the smart people aren’t breeding and have enough intellectual capital to leave.

  18. Gopherit v2.0

    [re=105097]Walter Sobchak[/re]: Easy. Take a drink every time you have the urge to yell at your t.v. You’ll be dead from liver failure by Nov 4th.

  19. Borat

    [re=105105]Borat[/re]: Oh, forgot to add, Look at Snowbilly and Caribou Ken. By the time they’re like 60, they’ll be in an extended family of 60.

  20. ladymacbeth

    can we have a special desk drawer of sorrows for this terrifying, terrible, No Exit of a campaign please?

  21. Dave J.

    [re=105105]Borat[/re]: I know, you’re right–my wife and I are expecting our 2nd (on inauguration day, no less), and we feel like we’re tapped out. Meanwhile the yokels down the street from us, who each have multiple felonies, are on kid #8 or so (there’s probably about 7 different parents involved in that whole mess), and show no signs of stopping. It’s like Idiocracy–in 30 years, that movie is going to look like a fucking prophecy.

  22. Blue Line

    [re=105108]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: Hey, that’s exactly the game I’ve been playing! Caribou Barbie has at least quadrupled my alcohol consumption.

  23. 2druk2phluq

    I receive all of my news through Wonkette. I’m not really sure what’s going on. Some old dude said a bunch of crazy shit. Then there was this other guy who asked question/prompted the senile one. There were many uses of the words “financial” and “crisis” and Walnuts!… then some funny people said things that made even less sense, but somehow made me laugh. And now the day is over.

    Wonketini time.

  24. Borat

    [re=105126]Dave J.[/re]: I hope your newborn only knows good in the world. We only have a few months left. Then, I need one of those men-in-black memory erasors.

  25. PentagonBookkeeper

    Yesterday, I woke up to hear this really white sack o’potatoes at some Irish-American thing. This man has NO clue. He started his remarks with this old boy’s club joke in true McCain style.

    (APPLAUSE)

    You know, I don’t know why it is that — and I’m sure you know, but I still don’t know why it is. There’s only one ethnic joke can be told in politics and that’s Irish jokes. And I don’t know why that is. But it’s just is the case. So, here’s the joke.

    There’s a bar in Philadelphia, empty. One guy down at either end of the bar. Finally, one guy get up, goes down, sits next to the guy next to him in the bar and says, where are you from? He says, I’m from Ireland. He says, really? He says, I’m from Ireland, too. He says, oh, let me buy you a drink. He says no, let me buy you a drink. Buying each other drinks back and forth. The guy says, well where you from in Ireland? He says, I’m from Dublin. He says, no. He said, I’m from Dublin, too. Really? Back and forth. Finally, the guy says, where did you go to high school? He said, I went to St. Mary’s. He said you couldn’t have gone to St. Mary’s. He said, I went to St. Mary’s. Wow. Buying each other drinks, a lot of commotion. A guy walks in the bar, sees all the commotion down there and says to the bartender, he says, what’s going on down there? The bartender said, it’s just the O’Reilly twins getting drunk again.

    (LAUGHTER)

    And before I go much further I’d to also like to point out what we know and that is the contribution of Irish-Americans in literally every war this nation has been engaged in.

    http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/09/22/AR2008092201531_pf.html

  26. S. Cullen Bonz

    McCain issued a statement today regarding his plan for the Wall Street crisis: “Fixodent and forget it”.

  27. Outstando

    [re=105060]liberaltruthsayer[/re]: Come on. No way he lives four years. The White House turned Bush and Clinton from young men into geezers in just 8 years. McCain would be lucky to see March, and then we would all live through the long nuclear winter of the Ice Queen.

  28. Canmon (the Inadequate)

    Why would McCain have a press conference today and not come out with a position on the bailout? If either one of McCain or Obama shows up to vote on this I’d be inclined to support him, no matter which way he votes. If “the Maverick” avoids this vote, he no longer gets to bring up Obama’s “present” votes.

  29. Outstando

    [re=105063]bitchincamaro[/re]: Total snot blow out of right nostril. Thanks a lot. I don’t even have tissue handy.

  30. Canuckledragger

    Want to ensure that Juan loses in November? Easy, and ANY Wonketteer can do it.

    Just show up to his next major press appearance and ask why he abandoned 600 of his fellow POWs and then hid all evidence they ever existed when it was his job to find them.

    His head’ll pop like a fuckin’ champagne cork and he’ll get all Tourettey and even Joe & Jane Sixpack will say, “Geez, there must be something to it or he wouldn’t have reacted that way.”

    Suddenly, FIVE & A HALF YEARS ALAN won’t mean shit.

    The end.

  31. HomoPolitico

    [re=105185]PentagonBookkeeper[/re]: Dude, I caught that too. Calling it “laughter” would be a reaching. It was more of a confused silence followed by nervous titters.

  32. sati demise

    [re=105219]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]: OK Canmon, you need to come clean.

    Tell me ONE reason you would vote for McCain. Just one. That is all I ask.

    Are you just one of those really superstitious people who look for ‘signs’ and symbols’?
    Does god himself have to come down and write it on your refrigerator?
    Are you waiting for the ‘secret word’ of some sort?
    Waiting for the stars to align so you can cone your ears and read your ear wax?
    Tea leaves?
    What?

  33. CrabtreesBludgeon

    [re=105101]d4g33z[/re]: Every time I read the words “President Palin” my bowels loosen as if I’d mainlined Olestra. Please make this nightmare end.

  34. jodyleek

    [re=105231]Canuckledragger[/re]: And, if for some ungodly reason Barry loses
    in November, I think he should make it his mission to uncover the coverup that
    McSame orchestrated regarding the missing soldiers.

  35. gerl676

    What a bunch of scumbag osama hussein obama butt suckers. Most of the osama supporters are whiney ass do nothings wanting a gov. handout. Reading these comments tells me that Bush is a good president. You obama fags deserve obama and you’ll probably get him. RIP late great U.S.A.

  36. tocute2btrue

    Now they are maling BLOW up Dolls of michelle, I’m thinking of buying one.
    Anything would beat living with that niggar!

Comments are closed.