Wonkette
Oh hey Hank Paulson is talking to some lawmaker types, and a reader wrote in and was like, “Could you liveblog this?” and we thought, aw hell, we have already ripped all the hairs out of our ears and marinated in salt this morning, so why not engage in the last unpleasant activity available to us. How many drawers are being soiled in the Senate Banking Committee right now? Let’s check it out!
11:49 AM — Just a few minutes ago Hank Paulson looked like he was seriously going to lose his shit. Now he’s just sitting back while Christopher Cox explains “naked short selling,” which sounds a lot more interesting than it is.
11:52 AM — A family of squirrels has moved into our roof and they are just goin’ nuts right now, making crazy chewing and squeaking noises, and when you yell at a squirred “STFU I have to do a LIVEBLOG” they have no sympathy for you, at all.
11:53 AM — Now Bernanke is explaining “hold to maturity” pricing, which also sounds titillating but has nothing to do with Barack Obama’s radical sex-ed plan. Ben Bernanke has a pleasant face. He is the only person up there who does not look like a starving ghoul.
11:55 AM — Ha ha, bet you wish you had an editor who knew something about money! Oh well. Henry Paulson sounds like Jesse Ventura. They share the same voice box. Also, too bad your editor has no idea who these questioners are. This one got dug up from Fraggle Rock. Did you know that Henry Paulson personally lost like hundreds of millions of dollars last week? Imagine what a bummer it would be if, in addition to presiding over the worst financial crisis in the history of your nation, you also had to worry about your own vast personal wealth being cut in half. It is amazing that Hank Paulson is not just one big walking ulcer right now.
11:58 AM — Oh huzzah now we are looking at this on the CSPAN, which does not cram half its screen with useless crawls and breaking news garbage. So that particular Skekzie who was just talking was Senator Robert Bennett, Republican of Utah.
12:00 PM — Hooray it is Rhode Island Senator Jack Reed, the best senator ever invented. Oh dammit CSPAN just went over to some House procedural vote. Back to MSNBC. David Gregory: Lawmakers are mad that they only have a week to act when this problem has existed for a year now.
12:02 PM — Paulson: “We need something to work.” Uh, yeah.
12:05 PM — Jack Reed is awesome. He just took three minutes of Paulson’s stumbling blah de blah and was like, “So we’re going to help the institutions that don’t need help, for free.” He would have made such a great vice president. Oh well!
12:08 PM — Paulson is spending a lot of time acknowledging complexity, difficulty, and frustration. “I have never been a proponent of intervention.” So it is with great reluctance that he asks the American people to entrust the entire economy, to him, and not sue him ever.
12:11 PM — “Chairman Cox, I’m always interested in the accounting aspects of all these things.” Ha ha, nobody is EVER interested in accounting. Senator Enzi does not want to throw water on an electrical fire.
12:12 PM — Chucky Schumer! He wants to focus on taxpayers. He proposes an insurance fund for the whole banking system — a broad FDIC type dealy. Then he rips off his shirt, revealing a bondage outfit over a wet suit, and a bevy of loinclothed young Grecians trot out onto the floor of the Senate banking committee, an orgy breaks out, and Paulson quietly excuses himself. THE END.
Tim Johnson is a better public speaker than either Dubya or Palin.
Aw, fuckles, I’d love to watch and drink, but I’ve got an exam in an hour and a half. Watching this would require enough alcohol to guarantee a failed test, and probably a wrecked car.
The Senate Banking Committee? Man, you guys really need cable if that’s the best thing that’s on.
Who’s the poor senator who has a speech defect?
I’m sure this is just like the before-the-Iraq-war hearings, except where they mentioned WMDs it’s now “financial meltdown” and instead of “invade” it’s “give us shitloads of money.” The panic and lack of oversight remain the same.
SayItWithWookies: I guess this afternoon Colin Powell will appear and hold up a little vial that he claims contains all of the money left in the United States.
“Just a few minutes ago Hank Paulson looked like he was seriously going to lose his shit.”
Paulson still hasn’t gotten over being laid off from The Adams Family.
I love when asked by Tim Johnson how the plan will help homeowners stay in their homes, he basically says Fuck You, Homeowners. This plan is for the big boys. If you really WANTED to stay in your home, you could.
You know how you repeat a word over and over until it becomes meaningless? That just happened with “market-based approaches”, a phrase that is almost meaningless anyway.
Did anybody catch Lizzy Dole’s horseshit harangue about Fannie and Freddie? When the fuck did the Republicans become pro-regulation champions of the little guy?
There’s so much bullshit flowing from my television I’m going to have clean my shoes.
FMA: There’s a lot of open space in that vial.
SayItWithWookies: Reactionary, reactionary, reactionary. They should just let it melt down and see what happens, for academic purposes.
The problem with the Boy Who Cried Wolf, is that when there really was a wolf, no one paid attention. Good job, W, you cried wolf on so many other things no one believes you anymore. Not that we should. On the bright side, FDR already laid out a recovery plan.
Plus, this is all a huge waste of time.
The lawmakers are going to be hard-asses for the cameras, then vote it thru, with no significant changes, anyway. Because that’s what these weasels do.
FMA: “These are satellite images of what we believe are Mobile Credit Default Swap Labs.”
mattbolt:
I hear ABC paid $123 million for the rights to broadcast Senate Banking Committe hearings. Pretty steep price, but the ad revenue more than makes up for the initial costs. I especially like the beer commercials… they’re almost as good as the hearings themselves.
Have I missed him dancing behind an upturned hat with a few coins in it?
That’s right, old guys, vote through our crappy bill. FOR THE GOOD OF AMERICA.
Bonus snark!! “We need and we want this to work.” Yes, because needing and wanting have been so fucking successful thus far…
12:02 PM — Paulson: “We need something to work.” Uh, yeah.
Consider shit lost.
“Did you know that Henry Paulson personally lost like hundreds of millions of dollars last week? Imagine what a bummer it would be if, in addition to presiding over the worst financial crisis in the history of your nation, you also had to worry about your own vast personal wealth being cut in half. It is amazing that Hank Paulson is not just one big walking ulcer right now.”
Wee conflict of interest there, no? We need someone like Warren Buffett who recognized the mortgage problem a long time ago and has his assets moved elsewhere.
Paulson, if you knew what the fuck worked in the first place, we wouldn’t be on the cusp of Economic Armageddon. Douchebag.
Delicious: WIN.
When do they start singing the Negro spirituals?
Bring back Yoda! I mean Greenspan. Wait, does that make Paulson Obi-won and Bernanke Luke Skywalker? Who’s Darth Vader?
Hahahaha, Paulson wants to work with the “intent” of legislation!! BWAHAHAHA!!! This is just like that time Dubya and Cheney followed the “intent” of the constitution.
Who is that woman sitting behind the senator? She looks like Snow White.
magic titty: Non sequitur
Fuck this. I’m watching Forbidden Planet on TCM because I don’t give a shit about work right now. Leslie Nielsen is telling Walter Pidgeon about the awful ID monster that he unleashed on a bunch of unsuspecting folks.
I’m wondering if any of the Repubs are thinking:
“Guilty! Guilty! My evil self is at that door and I have no power to stop it!”
Hey Hank, if you can’t make $700 Billion work, each one of us gets to kick you in the balls, my friend.
Things have bogged down over this so-called reverse auction. That means the bidding comes first and then at the end you see what you are bidding on.
Mark to mark. What the customers of prostitutes say to each other.
zzzzzz…..Grampa Enzi is puting me to sleep.
hockeymom: I don’t know who she is, but holy shit does the guy next to her have a huge head.
“12:008 PM — Paulson is spending…”
We are liveblogging in milliseconds now - this hearing must be soooooooooooo boring.
Schuler’s got his jacket off. He means business.
But his shirt is lavender, so maybe, business AND pleasure.
Also, good point Chuck. Why SHOULD the taxpayers bail these heels out?
InKnockYouUs: They play that game on Survivor — and somebody usually ends up paying $200 to eat live centipedes.
Isn’t this the character actor who plays the bureaucratic knucklehead in every political comedy? When did he get in the Senate 4 realz?
…honestly I don’t know why everyone is praising god that Paulson is in charge and not someone else?! He oversaw this whole cluster fukk and is now claiming that he never saw it coming. Lets go over a quick review of what else this administration “never could have anticipated”:
9-11
Osama Bin Laden fleeing Tora Bora into Pakistan
Iraq NOT having WMD
Iraqi Insurgency
All things Katrina
Thanks but, but no thanks Paulson; I think we will keep our 700 bazillion dollars and take our chances with all the majors banks going belly up. Besides its not like I have been able to get a loan in the past year and a half anyways!
What we need is a little mob justice:
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/asia/article4810644.ece
They need that $700 billion NOW, dude. Do you know how expensive cocaine and black tar heroin is since Bear Sterns collapsed!?
tronches–what the hell is that? tranches? They’re speaking freaking French now.
Paulson: Of COURSE I need the entire 750 billion, you silly man. 150 BILLION isn’t enough, Chuck.
Paulson has a bazooka in his pocket?
I thought he was just happy to see the taxpayers.
Tranches? Qu’est-ce ca veut dire? Allez you faire foutre!
Monkey: arguable.
Mr. Paulson, is that a bazooka in your pocket or are you just happy to unclog my troubled assets?
hockeymom: Schuler’s got his jacket off. He means business.
But his shirt is lavender, so maybe, business AND pleasure.
i can’t stop laughing
Not that I’m bitter, but I want to see finance executives flinging themselves off high rise building with no parachute, golden or otherwise.
Wow, Paulson just got PWNED.
Continuing the theme this year of Repug talking heads getting verbally bodyslammed by anybody who remembers to ask them a question.
“What’s your position on the banning of short-selling?”
“Well, as you all know, short-selling is a frungible resource…”
From LA Times: New L.A. Times/Bloomberg poll finds deep-seated worries over the economy.
WTF? This is news?
hockeymom: Winner, Winner, chicken dinner
Does Paulson have food stuck in his teeth?
Gross.
Also, of course I can’t explain how this will work, Senator Hagel. Just give us the 750 billion.
InKnockYouUs: Do you really want to know? A tranche is a segment of a mortgage-based security (any security really, but mortgage-based for the purpose of these hearings). Your mortgage holder has tons of mortgages, and they divide them into tranches based on risk and the likely time of repayment, which helps them calculate the amount of interest to pay on them, in theory. So they sell their whole portfolio as securities, but divided up into slightly more predictable segments of the market.
Dear Mr. Paulson
Fukk You!!!
Sincerely,
ABG
P.S.
I hope you contract Gonorrhea!!!
AngryBlakGuy: It’s because you’re a minority and a risky folk like me. Haven’t you been paying attention to our great sage Cavuto?
“That’s a very good question, and I’m going to answer it.” Politician code for “Holy fuck. What the hell did he just say? OhJesusohJesus he’s wrapping up his question, gotta stall, what the FUCK am I going to say??”
Strictly for the Tardcore: I second that emotion.
Strictly for the Tardcore: I thought you could get that stuff fairly cheap from the people at the DOI, no?
Start with something simple, you know, dollar bills. Oh here come the tronches again.
Paulson’s explanation of what he plans to do with the 700 billion sucks.
Clearly, this money is going to hookers, blow and paint ball.
InKnockYouUs: John McCain
SayItWithWookies: …blah, blah, blah! Back to the snark buddy!
paulson wants to use the best market managers. weren’t they already used?
schumer wants to go slow. paulson just wants to jump into bed.
paulson: its complicated. if you say so.
same old 49 card deck only reshuffled.
help!!!!!!!!!!!
experimentation. didn’t we do that in college.
OH MY GOD…You want 700 BILLION to “experiment”?
No. Fucking. Way.
Based on what his expression, I have to assume that this is the first time Hagel’s been up before noon in months.
InKnockYouUs: That’s a fancy name for a bundle of thousands and thousands of shitty loans. Group ‘em all up, get ‘em AAA rated by Moody’s, sell ‘em as a sound investment. What could go wrong?
The problem: they sold too many shorts. Overestimated the effects of global warming.
uh oh…people wearing pink just sad down behind cox. please, please, please be code pink.
$700,000,000,000.00 doesn’t buy what it used to.
Did anyone just see that piece of shit kid in the pink hat? Where are they holding this thing, the food court in the Air and Space museum?
AND Yes!
someone is holding up a sign, but cox’s big head is blocking it. I think it says something about extortion.
Itsjustme: I just spewed Coca-Cola all over my laptop. Thanks, jackass.
AnnieGetYourFun: Yeah, but no one wants to have to give Paulson sexual favors, ever; that’s why the oil companies targeted the DOI.
Poor Paulson: his legislation sucks, he’s having brain farts on simple questions, and he hasn’t gotten laid since the Bay of Pigs.
AngryBlakGuy: Countdown to President Bush saying that Paulson’s testimony to the Senate has only increased his confidence in him; “Heck-of-a-job, Hank”, in 3…2…1….
Paulson looks shifty eyed when they point out that they want wall street execs to decide how this money gets spent.
Of course, our dear Barry is going to win the election and be saddled with the colossal flailing dick that is the U.S and A.
Great. Just fucking great.
InKnockYouUs: That’s the market adjusting.*
*adjusting=fucking itself with a hammer
This is so bizarre. Last night my husband and I were trying to figure out who the other senator from Delaware is and looked him up on Wiki. Who the hell is Carper, we asked ourselves. Now he’s on television.
BTW–Best Delaware senator, ever? Outerbridge Horsey. We also discovered that Del had a senate vacancy of two years back in the mid 19th. I wondered if anyone noticed. It’s a pissant little state, anyway.
Don’t get me wrong–Biden is God.
Has Paulson held up a vial of fake yellowcake yet?
“…from the world in which you come.”
Where did Zenu come from? I’m guessing that’s Paulson’s homeworld.
AngryBlakGuy: Sorry — had to get my only bit of financial acumen in there before it blinked out entirely. With all my ignorance, I now only need money and rich friends to qualify to run the SEC.
obfuscator: Oh you missed the best part about tranches. When you divvy up the pile of shit into little slices, each slice of shit taste like strawberries and creme. It’s a basic financial principle!
Credit Default Swaps. Lil Libby Dole has consistently raised these. Hmmm.
OMG…what happened to Elizabeth Dole’s face?
And why is she dressed like a sunflower?
InsidiousTuna: You are saying and doing great things today, friend.
hockeymom: Wah. I can’t see Lil Libby. I just have MSNBC where you get to see all these terribly serious guys wearing suits.
hockeymom: Has she always looked like Alex Borstein, or am I imagining shit?
paulson: i don’t need this crappy job.
sen. dole: something stupid coming up… she’s checking on her investments.
paulson: we’re working to see republicans get their money back. we need protocols, protocols, protocols, and a big check.
resilient, transparent, better.
ubs ad: #1 firm. most trusted. (whatever that means today)
hockeymom:
Ha! Hockymom said “weasels” when she really meant cocksuckers, but
being a hockymom she couldn’t make herself say that, so I said it for her.
Even with that title they are getting off easy, especially considering how
after all is said and done, in the public restrooms, many of them willl
somehow become gayz.
Now back to naked shorts. More fun than credit default swaps, which, as far as I can tell, involves passing around a hot potato.
Menendez is into pants, not shorts.
Monkey:
Dick Cheney, same as it ever was.
Yeah, but when they sell something at Sotheby’s, there’s some IDEA what it’s worth. You have no fucking idea, penilneck.
“NO welfare to the wealthy”: sign held up in back of Bernanke’s head. Better spelling than at the RNC.
Dear Taxpayers,
We’re about to rape you and then send you the bill for the rape kit.
Sincerely,
Your Government
menendez (nj) checking that, “the sopranos”, money is safe.
paulson: outdated, outmoded system (not caused by reagan).
menendez: reverse auction ? chinese auction? competition, what’s that?
hair fixing time but not for bernanke.
MSNBC doing ads–Not enough that the Wall Street has fleeced us, now the oil companies are our friends.
Maybe the New Left of the 60s are finally going to get our way–it will all collapse and we’ll have the real revolution.
Except now I’m old and scared.
Hey–Where’s the editor who started this? Did he get bored and leave? I feel betrayed, yet again.
“…could you give you reasoning why short-selling…”
No, wait, stop right there, Mr. Senator. Paulson couldn’t coherently tell you why he had three bowls of high-fibre cereal for breakfast this morning.
Chris Cocks. One of these bozos is on a first name basis with him. This guy is worried about the shorts, wants them more naked.
paulson: taxpayer not at fault. whew - i was worried. he’s telling us the truth. how refreshing.
ad: toyota. that girl entertainer sure is cute. i’m 50 years late.
fidelity wants you to trade like a pro. i thought we’re going to stop that.
SayItWithWookies: You explained it better than I did. “Trance” is French for “A steaming pile of shit made up of thousands of individual turds.”
David Gregory is going to take us through the high points? The only high points are the funny things I read here today. You think they’re going go put us on the television?
I’m going to go comb my hair, just in case.
Later!
Find me a banking committee hearing that doesn’t end in an orgy. Congress and banking is just so damn sexy.
http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/
300,
400,
500,
600,
700 Billion, pretty soon you’re talking about real money.
Is anyone else worried that the first “October Surprise” has arrived,
and it’s only September?
Countdown starts for the next one in 3, 2, 1………
obfuscator:
“You explained it better than I did. “Trance” is French for “A steaming pile of shit made up of thousands of individual turds.”
No, trance is what we all go into after listening to these guys too long. I am under your power. Please, take my money, please.
Sherrod Brown: Does Wall Street owe Main Street an apology?
Bernacke: Fuck you. Next.
The important thing to note here is Who Ownz All Teh Gold?
GODDAMN!!! Those Washington types throw some MAD FUCKIN’ PARTIES YO!!! I need a breather. To the masturbatorium!
obfuscator: “Tranche”, stupid.
Shit–I’m missing Sherrod Brown! He’s my fav–how’s he doing? Or how did he do? Is he just a highlight over David Gregory’s shoulder?
It’s still on CSPAN3! It just won’t freaking end…Paulson needs to take a break and eat some brains.
So they don’t have a plan and don’t want a plan legislated…Brilliant!
Buchanan just said it could go down the chute and everyone held their breath (well, I did anyway) hoping he was accidentally-on-purpose going to say shitter.
paulson: lots of ideas, lots of talking. we must move quickly with the ideas and our experience. (yeah, because moving slowly is what caused our problems.)
ad time: wealth management (after they restore your wealth).
liberty medical may cover your illness (maybe).
cnbc: the people you trust.
dow average seems to be taking a hit by all the confidence paulson is giving (down 120).
Other news? There’s other news? Oh, that guy–the prez. Does anyone else find it auditory torture when Junior says, “terroristsSS”? Is he trying to sound like a snake, to really bring his terrorists are upon us message home? Or does he think it just sounds cool?
The press is finally pissed that Palin won’t take any questions. Does this mean MSNBC is finally going to photoshop a picture of Walnuts and his soulmate french kissing? Or just have the balls to publish the real one?
Merit pay for teachers not for executives.
bunning (ky):the problem is we’re living in houses.
he’s outraged at college debt., credit card debt.
uh oh he’s going to call paulson a communist. he’s channeling joe mccarthy.
Pity poor Hank, the SecTreas. Before last week he was worth millions and millions of dollars. Now he’s only worth millions of dollars. Should we send flowers? Or just flaming bag of dog shit?
Wall street doesn’t seem to like the outcome of that meeting much.
http://finance.yahoo.com/echarts?s=^DJI
if it doesn’t work, they’ll do the same thing the nixon admin. did when mrs. hunt called and said the suitcase of money disappeared. they’ll send another suitcase of money. btw, her flight mysteriously crashed.
Well, this has petered out pretty quickly. Everyone is off panting after Sarah. And these guys are still bobbing and weaving. They don’t want any strings attached to their sweet little deal or else these poor failing institutions will not accept the tons of federal money being thrown at them.
The downside of outsourcing to India:
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/asia/article4810644.ece
Terry: Warren Buffet is too smart to think he or anyone else is smart enough to save the collapsing financial system without closing half the banks and regulating the hell out of the other half.
AngryBlakGuy: Paulson sez: As Treasury Secretary I completely missed that the economy was expanding only because of a huge credit bubble and did nothing until the country is a few hours/days/weeks from total collpase.
Based on that record give me complete control over every aspect of your daily life, allow me to decide what you will do for every second of the next several years and don’t bug me with any questions.
InKnockYouUs: Tim Johnson, he is the democrat who had a massive stroke right after the 2006 election and was in a coma for ages. He really is a wonderful man.
liberaltruthsayer: Tim Johnson, eh? Thanks. Poor guy.
Paulson: “So, Sen. Dole, would you vote for my proposal?
Dole: “Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin”.
Wow. There’s nothing more depressing than listening to the opinion of the average Muricans calling into C-SPAN.
Monkey: Recall that Yoda (=Greenspan) was originally a muppet. Now, notice the Fraggle Rock and Skekzies reference in today’s live-blog. Yesterday, we found out that Sara Palin = Miss Piggy and that muppets popping up in presidential debates could be potentially unobtrusive. What is this adding up to?
fuzznuts: Fuck! I forgot about that. Thanks a lot, buddy.
Squirrels in the attic already? It’s going to be a cold winter.
I’m glad that Uncle Hank shipped me a pallet of benjamins to throw on the fire.
obfuscator: Tranche? Isn’t that one of the Palin kids?