Congressional Democrats will save the economy this Friday by letting Henry Paulson, the new president, do whatever he wants about anything, policy-wise. Mostly this will involve giving a trillion dollars to his friends on Wall Street in exchange for some junk mortgages which Paulson will re-sell, to no one, because they’re junk mortgages. On the bright side, the dollar will plummet under the weight of all this new debt, meaning inflation will soar, meaning one trillion dollars will be the new 27 cents. Cheap! So who should pay for this, the worst proposal of the Bush Administration since the Iraq war? Let’s see if we can tabulate a trillion dollars worth of sucky people’s money to take for the big Money Bonfire of 2008.
- Seize all assets of racist voters. Anyone who declares that he or she will not vote for a president strictly on the basis of high melanin levels, well, that’s a fair opinion. Then again, they don’t deserve to have money or oxygen. This would encompass — very generously — about 20% of the American population, or 60 million people (racist babies included). Take all of their shit and sell it to Warren Buffett for above-market prices. Warren Buffett will then have new playthings such as dildos and tractors. $10 billion.
- Sell the racist voters to China. The Chinese could use 60 million new people, for fucking purposes — Chinese people love nothing more than a monolithic lard mass of Type-2 Diabetes doing reverse-cowgirl, and they’d only want more of these mouth breathers for their children. Finally, America has something to export forever — and they produce themselves! $980 billion.
- Impeach the current President of the United States for his consistently poor stewardship of the United States. Make him suck Saudi cock for as long as it takes him to earn $10 billion. Give him $6,000 from this sum and tell him to pack his bags, because he’s a-goin’ to the Gobi Desert, alone! (Laura can go live with Babs and Poppy at Kennefuckport until they all die, in the Flood.) As soon as George Bush is dropped off in the desert, take the $6,000 back, because did he think they’d fly him all the way to the Gobi Desert and not ask for gas money? And there’s your trillion.
{ 84 comments }
I’d settle for the bailout and a destroyed economy if they’d only try and hang Bush & Co. in a public square. I want my pound of flesh!
Oil shot up $25 a barrel within minutes of this being published. COINCIDENCE? MMM-HMMMM?
[re=103505]NoWireHangers[/re]: more like lb of shit
This is the new Obama platform? All right.
I have a rescue plan for my small business which involves you giving me a million dollars no questions asked and going the f*** away.
Hurry up, my business can’t wait all week.
[re=103509]Ken Layne[/re]: Let me be unfunny about this. It does make good sense right? This bailout makes the dollar much weaker, and a weak dollar leads to higher oil prices, correct?
No matter how one defines loser, I believe that I somehow fit into the equation, being one part Chinese, a distant relative of Bush, Cheney, McCain and Obama (my branch of the family is the one none of them ever discuss, for reasons described in the original Manchurian Candidate), a descendant of the founders of the only Hispanic branch of the KKK in history and a personal devout proponent of French socialist theory. Therefore, the taxpayers should put me into a large juicer and sell the tiny amount of human ambergris that comes out for the one trillion dollars needed to bailout the phatty phat phats on Wall Street. Also it would make me a martyr for Allah… allayeee! allayee! allayeee!
注音符號)! 仓颉输入法. 横一垂二三点捺, 叉四插五方框六 七角八八九是小. 点下有横变零头!!!!
Richard Fuld, Phil Gramm, and Henry Paulson will give a series of lectures and intensive week-long seminars on “The Weapons of Mass Economic Destruction”. At 1 Billion per seat, they only need to get 1000 people signed up (most likely Saudi’s looking to further destroy the Infidel West).
…frankly they can let all these banks burn. I heard someone arguing that we had to bail them out otherwise you would need a credit score of 720 just to buy a car. I think we have too many cars on the road anyways.
I think the Bush Admin is on the record as vehemently pro-poor losers paying for it. Should we really go against their considered judgment? It’s fairer to the people on Wall Street and Bush doesn’t have to Scope cock flavor off his tongue.
http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/
I actually visualized him sucking Saudi cock. Clever use of the imagery, Newell…
…I say we all pool some money together and start a failed bank. We can then split the bail-out money 50/50!
Newell’s gettin’ radicalized in his dotage! Hark! What light from yonder window breaks? Do not ask for whom the bell tolls. It tolls for you.
etc.
I suggest memorizing literature, since by January we’ll be burning it as home heating fuel.
Oh, and we’ll have spent seventy gazillion pesos to make sure that investor cretins can continue the lifestyles the’ve become used to.
[re=103524]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: I completely agree.
[re=103528]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Who needs cars? I’m fashioning myself a bullet-proof iron dune-buggy.
Apparently Sen Dodd has a counterproposal. Krugman calls it a “…big step in the right direction.”
Is it just me or does there seem to be a huge amount of skepticism about this? from both left and right.
[re=103516]InsidiousTuna[/re]: Why this isn’t the Obama stump speech right now I have no idea. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cSuT5zN2SPI (It’s long – about 30 minutes – but reflects a genuine understanding of the subtleties of the market vs. regulation, etc.) This speech was given in March, but is even more relevant now. McCain would projectile vomit his own guts if he had to think like this.
Duh! China doesn’t want to buy our racist voters. They practically own the country already and will likely be moving in any day now. No need to pay extra when you can save shipping and handling by enslaving them all on arrival.
I think we should sell off Disney-esque child performers of the Mylie Cyrus ilk. We seem to have an unlimited supply of them and they are waaaay overvalued.
Why don’t we just mortgage Texas, since it’s a worthless pile of shit anyway, with crappy vacation spots, no zoning laws, a politically/socially/culturally ignorant population (‘cept Austin, babes!), and basically they never wanted to be U.S. anyway! Just need to find a bank to give us a loan.
…if we shipped all of our racist bitters to China, then what incentive would have to NOT nuke China?
How bouy selling off aerial wolf hunters to their neighbor, Putin? He loves sharpshooters, and I hear he’s been dying to get his hands on one in particular.
http://yanksfansoxfan.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2007/10/24/the_sad_clown.jpg
Also, [re=103550]Monkey[/re]: You can’t see me, but I’m nodding.
This bail out is designed to last until the election.
The hedge fund inverters will start a run on those bad boys in a couple months.
They can only take their money out 4 times a year. That’s why the funds aren’t obviously in trouble yet.
By then, of course, Caligula McCain & his horse will be safely in office.
Sell Alaska.
[re=103552]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Cuz they make all our socks, pots and pans, and we needs those.
[re=103532]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: I’m in, let me just get a loan from my ban…. Wait a minute.
When does Newell get to make a speech from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial?
[re=103524]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]:
I presume this translates as: “I want all a mine to come from Arkansas.”
Does this have anything to do with the US not producing anything anymore that isn’t edible or intangible?
There are no racist voters. There are just people who sort of heard somewhere that Obama was Muslim and was sworn in on the Koran and now don’t know what to think. Besides, that Sarah Palin is such a nice white lady.
“We do not support government bailouts of private institutions, …”
– from the Republican Party Platform, 2008.
Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/reutersComService4/idUSLM71801220080922
I say sell a million of our best virgins to the Saudis and the Chinese. It will help the US housing market, and should easily fetch a tidy sum.
I would also sell our investment banking community, as well as the entire staff of CNBC, Bloomberg and Fox Financial News. I am sure someone would have a use for them.
Reminds me of the old Steve Martin joke on how to become a millionaire: First, get a million dollars.
[re=103550]Monkey[/re]: There are a few pockets of civilization in the ‘burbs of DFW and HOU too. But not many. I always love seeing an electoral map of TX–all red, then a small dot of blue where Taurent County looms.
[re=103522]2druk2phluq[/re]: The spouse and I were playing one of those “six degrees of separation” things the other day. He informed me (I had known this but didn’t really put it together) that since we know (college) one of Bush’s political pals, that only gave me one degree from W. I told him that he could have gone the rest of his life without pointing this out to me, and he would do well to never mention it outside these four walls.
Oh, and I don’t think you can sell racist babies. The parents, sure, but not the babies. You have give them to childless liberal mixed-racial couples to bring up. Which drives the parents insane so they drown themselves in one of those new Chinese damlakes.
This makes perfect sense. Give Wall Street 1 trillion dollars in exchange for all their bad debt, then cut all our social programs because the country is far too indebted to provide health care to poor people or job training for those who are laid off. Just make sure you don’t touch our crop subsidies.
Everybody wins!!!!
[re=103564]d4g33z[/re]: So we can stand in the front and throw panties.
[re=103568]medievalist[/re]: Kinda makes me wish Keith Ellison had waited until this year to get elected. Cuz ya know, they all look alike to the kooks. But big props to Keith for the TJ Koran!
Glad I bought a bunch of those “Forever” US Postage Stamps.
[re=103570]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: We have a million virgins? Hey, I used to be a HS GC, and I don’t think I could have found ten.
[re=103576]tunamelt[/re]: See, that would have never occurred to me. But I wholeheartedly concur! Red, white and blue only, plz.
I like your idea Jim. Gets US America some needed capital. Raises the US American collective IQ.
However, this is a lot like those trades folks propose on Sports Talk Radio. For example: some bench warmers, a couple of injured playes and an old jock strap for an all star. Sounds great till one wonders what does the other guy get out of it.
Only benefits for China? The Chinese versions of Girls Gone Wild and Jerry Springer will never run out of “talent”/guests.
All these stories about the impending Hobo-pocalypse getting you down? Cheer up, my friends, ‘cuz MSNBC has a front page feel good piece in which their knowledgable columnist calms readers’ fears. To wit:
If no one buys American debt, what will happen?
— Randy C., Mesa, AZ
If no one bought American debt, the government would have to shut down.
How likely at this point is it that the current economic slippery slope is going to take us all the way to the crash of the Federal Reserve System?
— Angela H., Portland, Ore.
At this point, it’s hard to rule out anything.
Oh, and when Peter B. wonders if, based on history, this is actually a good opportunity for a young investor like himself, our financial Mr. Rogers kindly points out:
If history is your guide, the odds are in your favor. Unfortunately, the current financial mess is like nothing that’s ever happened before.
Honestly, I’m pretty sure this guy’s writing from the ledge of his office window.
[re=103574]Serolf Divad[/re]: I really think that we should let the investment bankers burn. Put them all in civil suits, force them to give up severance packages, repo their fancy cars and watches…they have preyed on the American people long enough. Investment Inquisition ’08!
Bush: F*** it, we are selling the country to China. Then I can go to Paraguay.
Bush calls Wen Jiabao.
Bush: Wen, dude, I say you can have the USA, just give me a one million…, no!, one trillion, and is yours.
Wen: Deal. When can all your population vacate?
[re=103594]JadedDIssonance[/re]: Unfortunately, they won’t burn by themselves. Somebody has to light the first match. And who’s that going to be? Like D. Boon said “It ain’t you or me.” And it’s tough going up against the Active Denial System…
Make him suck Saudi cock for as long as it takes him to earn $10 billion. Give him $6,000 from this sum and tell him to pack his bags, because he’s a-goin’ to the Gobi Desert, alone! (Laura can go live with Babs and Poppy at Kennefuckport until they all die, in the Flood.) As soon as George Bush is dropped off in the desert, take the $6,000 back, because did he think they’d fly him all the way to the Gobi Desert and not ask for gas money? And there’s your trillion.
Massa Newell on a roll….
The smartest thing I’ve heard recently is for DC to just pay off every mortgage in the USofA.
All parties benefit, the taxpayers’ money actually does something for the taxpayer, the banks/funds/investment houses remain solvent. That’s the good idea; the rest of the plan is mine alone:
Then we find the ratbastards – at all levels of the food chain – who allowed this to happen, and make ‘em go from door to door everywhere in the USofA to repent. When they’ve knocked on every door in the nation, they’ve served their sentence. Seems fair.
Ask yourself this: how fucked up do you have to be that in order to stay in business you need an emergency transfusion of $85 billion, a la AIG? Just noticed you had a little accounting error there, corporate braintrust? What about the White House, the Congress, SEC, the Fed, et al, ad nauseam? Woke up one morning to realize that everything’s on fire? WTF???
[re=103520]facehead[/re]: Only if we continue to use oil. If we switch to chicken feathers, school books, or acorns as an alternative fuel, we’ll be okey-dokey A-Okay.
So fuck you and the white horse you rode in on, Mister Commissar Hugo Chavez.
[re=103576]tunamelt[/re]: Unfortunately for Jim they will all be Ann Coulter’s panties…
[re=103602]d4g33z[/re]: Reminds me of an old anarchist poster:
Factories don’t burn themselves down. They need your help.
[re=103605]Canuckledragger[/re]: mmm. I like that. Couple that with a green-energy revlolution; those whose mortgages get paid have to completely isolate themselves from the electricity grid within 5 years or risk fines/taxes/fees/having to pay their mortgage back.
Force those responsible for this mess to install solar panels at $2.25/day for the rest of their miserable lives.
Actually, the Chinese have enough Type 2 diabetics without us there. But hapa kids are all the rage, so if you could sell racist white women to China for breeding purposes, you might have something.
Bailout? Palooey! More like a KeepItGoingToPostponeTheNeededCorrectionOut. I say we retask Gitmo as Pennance Prision and sentance all the Masters Of The Universe to 10 years. I volunteer to waterboard the first 100 who arrive.
[re=103569]facehead[/re]: “We are not the Republican Party.”
– from the Republican Party Platform, 2008
[re=103605]Canuckledragger[/re]: Do I still have time to go out and get a really irresponsible mortgage so that I can benefit from this? Otherwise, I’ll agree only if the gov’mint pays my really irresponsible apartment lease for an equivalent number of years.
[re=103605]Canuckledragger[/re]: I heard a quote from one of the Universe Masters the other day. He said “we’ve got our smartest people working on it.” :-O
“So who should pay for this, the worst proposal of the Bush Administration since the Iraq war?”
a. The little Asian orphans we’ve been importing by the truckload for the last umpteen years. No more free lunch.
b. Our grandchildren as yet unborn.
c. http://www.cynical-c.com/archives/bloggraphics/russianprop.jpg
Decisions, decisions, decisions.
[re=103605]Canuckledragger[/re]: A great idea, if the U.S. and A. was a democracy. But the fact is, nobody with ‘access’ wants those mortgages paid off! The value of those securities is in the usury! Sometimes I think the Koran had it right about decrying it.
[re=103611]user-of-owls[/re]: But now it should be: Ex theoretical physicists (who designed all these products) don’t burn themselves down! Get them back in the ivory tower where they can’t do any real damage!
Hey, good news! We’ll all pay for it as we slip into a police state under Czar Paulson. Check out this part of Section 8 of the bailout plan:
Decisions by the Secretary pursuant to the authority of this Act are non-reviewable and committed to agency discretion, and may not be reviewed by any court of law or any administrative agency.
Whee!
Check out the full story about our new President for Life: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/09/22/dirty-secret-of-the-bailo_n_128294.html
BTW: Is the US still going through with the manned mission to Mars and, if so, will be there be a raffle to see who gets to strap Bush to the payload rocket?
Its nice to have Wonkette posts to cut through the garbage that passes for financial journalism these days to what is really important–George B. giving head to senile Saudi princes.
Warren Buffet has made some bad deals (not many) in addition to all the good ones he has done over the years but I don’t think he would pay more than scrap value for the stuff formerly owned by racist voters.
[re=103634]grendel[/re]: People are understandably a little bit pissed at that clause. Personally, I like my potentially zillion dollar blank check to come with a few oversight mechanisms, preferably run by someone I can vote out of office.
[re=103634]grendel[/re]: The good news is that even a court with disgusting cretins like Scalia and Roberts (Thomas doesn’t count since he will sleep through the whole thing) will defend their own power and privilege. So the first chance they get they will rule the offending parts of the bill unconstitutional and unenforceable. Then they will force Henry Paulson to get a tattoo on his skull advertising a casino with the proceeds going to help fund the deficit.
[re=103634]grendel[/re]: Cut through the bureaucracy! Step, step, step, kick. http://www.ladyofthecake.com/mel/prod/images/spngtim4.jpg
[re=103641]S.Luggo[/re]: I hear Laura has first dibs.
[re=103634]grendel[/re]: Haha, the other Section 8 is the old batshit insane/pervert military discharge.
music up:(“ hail, hail the gang’s all here”)
lights up.
gwb and dick cheney enter stage right in clown costumes.
music down.
gwb: y’know i discovered that for every 100 billion dollars given to financials from the taxpayer the dow goes up 100 points.
dick wow, you’re a genius.
gwb: i know. it is my legacy to the ameerican people. the dow will be at 36000 in december.
dick: (hits him with a rubber chicken): no man is your equal.
gwb: and me and you are in euros.
music up: (“ we’re in the money”)
they exit stage left.
lights down
music down.
the end.
NEVERMIND.
[re=103634]grendel[/re]: “We hollowed out the military budget in Iraq and made out like bandits, and nobody said a thing. We hollowed out the FEMA budget after Katrina and made out like bandits, and STILL nobody said a thing. Rove – my God, man – you were right! These people are complete fucking IDIOTS! Ah ha ha ha! Okay, okay, settle down. One last roll of the dice – let’s give ourselves … a billion … no a HUNDRED billion … no … (can barely stifle laughter) … A TRILLION DOLLARS! – ha ha ha ha!! – a trillion dollars! which we can spend with no one saying shit about it!! Haw, haw, oh, ow, it’s killing me! Yer too much, yer too much! What a buncha fuckin’ morans!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!”
[re=103626]d4g33z[/re]: Get them back in the ivory tower where they can’t do any real damage!
Hell no! As a denizen of said tower, I can confidently say we Ivorians don’t want those bastards back. If they ever got their perverted little hands on TIAA-CREF, I’d be eating North Korean buffet style or teaching a 12-12 load at a community college into my 80s.
When is the big funeral for Republican Ideology?
Trickle down theory died a slow and very painful death.
What? Its still on life support?
Well, call me for the funeral when they pull the plug, ‘mk?
[re=103689]user-of-owls[/re]: I suppose you’re right. But what the hell else a theys a gonna do? Figure out how to ‘optimize’ the food supply chain?
[re=103531]magic titty[/re]: I hear them Saudis are HUNG.
[re=103520]facehead[/re]: Not only that but us purveyors of happiness to the people — importers of European vino — are at great risk.
I’m in Italy now and the news from Home is CATAFUCKINGSTROPHIC. Here are my latest gloomy-doomy musings.
http://tdh46.typepad.com/mondosapore/2008/09/back-to-ventica.html
[re=103550]Monkey[/re]: I think we shd just give em their freedumb.
[re=103689]user-of-owls[/re]: What do you mean by “or”?
On the brighter side, enrollment into universities and colleges rises during financial crisis; unemployment = go back to school time. We are going to be teaching about 98% of the over-18 population in no time.
Dang. Autumn is upon us…to late to plant a vegetable garden, harvest my crops and jar food for the long cold winter ahead. Good thing I can still tolerate eating Ramen.
Let’s just get a second mortgage on the Pentagon.
[re=103815]elSantos[/re]: Well, that assumes that they can afford college or that there is some one who is willing to loan them the money to pay for school. So, I’d say we’re extra fucked.
[re=103524]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: It’s about time someone spoke my language. Death to the enemy in what ever face changing form you present yourself as.
[re=103531]magic titty[/re]: Ya know in Saudi you aren’t gay if you give but boy are you a fag if you receive. Boy, do I love fags. And I don’t mean English Cigarettes.
We are Republicans, the party of smaller government, less spending and shoving a financial cactus up your butt … and making you pay for the cactus.
[re=104029]Borat[/re]: I am a shapeshifter. I am undoubtedly Queen of the Castle, Queen of the Castle. Got my own side of the sofa to prove it.
osama obama trash
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