Wonkette
Hoorah the first debate is Friday, in Confederate Mississippi! Will the plantation owners even let Barack Obama onto the debate stage, or will he have to shout his answers from the balcony? That would be sure to spark a national conversation about race, between no one. But! We’ll see. This week, however, each campaign has assembled a team of debating “vets” for rigorous preparatory regimens. John McCain, for example, will practice-debate with the one black Republican, so as to learn all of “their” tricks. Watch the eyes, Walnuts! THEY SHIFT. And Barack Obama will be debating some old coot he kidnapped at Costco.
And to prepare, Sen. McCain will spar this week in mock debates with Michael Steele. Mr. Steele, the former lieutenant governor of Maryland and a prominent black Republican, will play Sen. Obama and use many of his speaking patterns, tactics and body language. Sen. Obama will practice with Greg Craig, a Washington lawyer and former official in the Clinton administration who is one of his few gray-haired advisers.
Tee hee. Walnuts has to learn how to talk to a black fella! It’s worth noting that, despite their shared swarthiness, Michael Steele and Barack Obama have polar opposite personalities. But it’s not like the Republicans had any other black mime to stand in.
…Oh God this is terrible, we were just trying to think of another black Republican who could stand in. Complete mental blank. J.C. WATTS! There.
Stand-Ins, Naps Help Debate Preparation [WSJ]
ALAN KEYES!!!
Alan Keyes was busy butt-fucking a dog or something?
I’m surprised they didn’t just put someone in blackface.
captainjuice: punkd
Alan Keyes!
George Jefferson wasn’t available?
Doesn’t John McCain know Nipsy Russel?
captainjuice: columnv: Oh poo. How about OJ SIMPSON!!
FOOLS! Alan Keyes is no longer a Republican. I guess you aren’t following his presidential run on behalf of the America’s Independent Party (seriously)
http://www.alankeyes.com/
Alan Keyes…he’s even got experience against Obama. I’d love to see him “use many of Obama’s speaking patterns, tactics and body language” while mentioning that Obama is a “selfish hedonist” just like Mary Cheney.
tiny mexican: Yeah, thank you.
Yo, White guy debate like this, black guy debate like this.
Excuse me stewardess, I speak Jive.
I wish Ann Richards were still alive. She’d play a great John McCain…
I hear he’s also taking notes from that one Chevy Chase/Richard Pryor SNL skit.
Thank goodness for the McCain campaign that all those colored peoples talk like each other and have the same mannerisms.
Too bad Gwen Ifill is doing the VP debate. Would have been interesting to see just how fidgety McCain gets when there are TWO uppities on stage with him.
Michael Steele is practiving dance moves, and moon-walking, so he will appear to be a genuine black man in the mock debate.
Barack won’t be shouting from the balcony, he’s going to be standing
next to the shoe shine booth by the mens room so as to not disturb the
white folk in the audience. He will have a communications device that
was provided by Kkkarl Rove, I think it’s made up of 2 tin cans and a
really long piece of string. The good thing is that it is energy efficient,
no batteries required.
They could have used Dennis Miller in blackface.
Perrys Mollycoddler: How about Denise Richards as a McCain stand in?
Alan Keyes! Best political punchline EVAR! Wait a sec Jim, YOU KNEW we were all going to say Alan Keyez! Tricksy tricksy Jim!
Obama advisers, for example, are considering how to provoke Sen. McCain into anger or showing what they say is how out of touch, or old, he is.
Try to get him to reminisce about:
Ovaltine
The Brooklyn Dodgers
his trusty old Duesenberg
Howdy Doody
The game at __________ field (where _______ is something other than a corporate sponsor).
“coloreds”
Checkoslovakia
The Austro Hungarian Empire
The Ottoman Empire
The Pax Romana.
Hedley Lamar: Word.
Thank god for the Liberty University debate coach.. Will this be crafted into a “God and Country” debate? Too late– everybody knows Obama’s an atheist Moslem babyfucker.
Whats up with it, vanilla face?
Perrys Mollycoddler: She may have been old, but she was far funnier than John McCain. I can’t think of any good Dem stand-in for him, though… Maybe Chris Dodd could lend a hand so Hopey can get used to seeing a huge white-helmeted head staring back at him.
What’s this unfortunately named Greg Craig all about? Does he do a good McCain impression?
In the practice debates, do they have to nail the podium down so Michael Steele doesn’t run away with it?
Larry Fine: Reportedly the corpse of Nipsey Russel is supporting hopey…
Jeez…this is too funny…Steele?? hahahah…he doesn’t even deserve to wash hopey’s jock…
Perrys Mollycoddler: Michael Richards could be good too.
Hopey needs to rap his way through the debate. Walnuts’ head would explode.
I can’t wait to see McCain sweat like a Nixon during these debates.
I hear Robert Downey Jr. has some relevant experience.
it’s hard to imagine this debate going well for mccain, but who knows. there will be a lot of people watching who can’t even spell “debate.”
Mr. Steele, the former lieutenant governor of Maryland and a prominent black Republican, will play Sen. Obama and use many of his speaking patterns, tactics and body language.
Too bad Mr. Steele didn’t use any of those tactics to, you know, win his last election.
Why isn’t anyone talking about the name GREG CRAIG? Sounds more like a game show host to me…maybe Barack is really just practicing for 1 vs. 100! Silly Barack…doesn’t he know anything he wins goes directly to his overlord Richard Daley?
cal: McCain’s sweat glands dried up years ago.
Maybe McAncient figures Obama is going to drag a
puppy on stage.
Michael Steele would be a good porn name.
Someone should feed Walnuts! some arugula…goin for the Robert E. Lee at Gettysburg effect.
Alan Keyes! captainjuice: Oh, no Alan Keyes? Hey, I knew that….
How about Jack Kemp? He used to talk and talk about having seen lots of black men in the shower - that makes him much blacker than most GOPers.
To get in the debating mood, Republican John McCain will take a short nap. His rival, Democrat Barack Obama, will work out or shoot hoops.
Pure comedy! That’s an SNL skit right there.
The best way to practice for a debate is with someone who agrees with you.
I’m kind of thinking Obama should practice with that bald guy from the Benny Hill show. You know the one I’m talking about - the guy the used to slap on the head, then he’d chase some near topless skirt around some field in fast motion to some funny music. Found it, this guy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Viy_tjrt_pU
That would make the debates a lot more entertaining and might win us over some bitterz
John McCain will also be listening to Wu-Tang to brush up on his ‘niggaspeak’.
The fact that Michael Steele gladly agreed to this says all we need to know about his lifelong ebullience for House Negro status.
There’s no reason they couldnt have a ‘white’ dude play Obama in the mock debates - there is no jive-talking rhetoric in Obama’s speech that only Michael Steele could capture (because he’s one of them.
But, you know, Republicans want to find a nigger to play Barack in the dress rehearsal.
Real fucking good.
Serolf Divad: Actually, he’s going to get McAncient to start singing, “Those Were the Days,” to hear him belt out, “Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again.” That’s actually McAncient’s proposal for the financial markets bailout.
Will Smith as a stand-in. He’s got the ears.
Sinbad???
skyinator: those ears are good to hold to when Will Smith is servicing you.
MC Rove all the way.
Serolf Divad: Overseeing the construction of the Panama Canal
Hm. This implies that any black guy is completely interchangeable to Johnny WALNUTS!. This is actually a testable theory. For the first debate, Tracy Morgan should show up instead of Barry and we can see if Johnny even notices.
I would bet any amount of money that he wouldn’t.
Was Lynn Swann busy?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lynn_Swann#2006_candidacy_for_governor
Wonder if they could get Ralph Carter and Jimmy Walker to split duties– whenever McCain made a good point, J.J. Walker could yell “Dyn-O-mite!” Ralph was the original uppity– bonus, they hail from Chicago!
Naked Bunny with a Whip: I thought you’re supposed to picture everyone naked and that’s supposed to make you relaxxx.
I heard there are plenty of good noodie pixxx on the intertubes. Time for Walnuts to start getting on. Oh right those “war” injuries have rendered his right, or as they say it “mouse” hand, unusable (and I thought Cindy put out)
Michael Steele: only 79% as crazy as Alan Keyes…
pattycake:
A. Red Foxx
B. Rochester
C. Uncle Remus
http://harryallen.info/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/south460.jpg
D. A swarthy Punjabi.
E. A Mexican.
I know she’s a Democrat and a woman, but I vote for Cynthia McKinney. I mean, she’s black, so I’m not sure Grampy would notice the difference. That is, until she starts underscoring her answers by slapping him to death.
Maybe the idea here was to get McCain used to the last thing he sees before he gets beaten like a dog, in which case he should have sparred with Wesley Snipes.
BigDupa: Jimmy “dy-no-mite” Walker actually is a Republican so they could probably get that arranged.
Where did you get that picture? It looks like Ford and Carter held the 1976 Presidential Debate in 1965.
According to Wikipedia, Jimmie Walker, a.k.a. J.J. Evans, is a republican. What would McCain do in the face of chronic interruptions of “Dyn-o-mite!”
Chris Rock. “Hey, you Viagra muthafucka, you tapped that Alaskan bitch yet?”
“Michael Steele” is totes the cover name of a superhero. I’m guessing Luke Cage, Power Man. Or a fifth-generation X-Man.
Hell, given Walnuts! advanced years, his advisors would’ve done just as well digging up the corpse of Buckwheat. Or setting up a bottle of Aunt Jemina on the opposing podium.
Strictly for the Tardcore: His debate handler’s tip #1: Obama is the Black Guy. Look in the direction of the Black Guy. Luckily, Gwen Ifill isn’t moderating this debate, so he doesn’t even have to work too hard on remembering the “guy” part.
columnv: If Todd had been doing that to Sarah
instead of his sled dogs, there’d be 4 less kids in the world with
really goofy names and Sarah would have one more place to use her
lipstick. Or maybe that would be chapstick, Todd does look manly.
I was gonna suggest Cleavon Little, in his Black Bart (”where da white wimmen at?”) outfit, but then I discovered he’s dead; but McCain could still use clips from the film!
Larry Fine: I’d much prefer holding on to his wallet.
“Mr. Steele, the former lieutenant governor of Maryland and a prominent black Republican, will play Sen. Obama and use many of his speaking patterns, tactics and body language.”
The guy who played Tuvok on Voyager would also have been a good choice.
Hedley Lamar: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P-xHPU6NulM
Dave J.:
What, do you hate the lovely State of Maryland or something?
Our State is better off with Steele sticking to being trotted out as a token by the RNC, appearing on talk shows, and eating lonely lonely lunches at Franklins in Hyattsville.
What stupid Democrat decided it was a good idea to agree to a debate in Oxford? Ole Miss is, like, 99% white Republicans. Really, it is the whitest and strongest of the few white strongholds the Republicans have left. Surely the next debate will be on the south side of Chicago, right?
Strictly for the Tardcore: Why not? According to WALNUTS!, Sarah Palin is a perfectly acceptable substitute for any Vagina-American in this country who actually has a functioning brain. Barry could mock debate with a guy I see at the bar who mutters to himself and tries to start fights with anyone who looks at him - he’s white, senile, belligerant and at least 70 years old, so a good sub for McCain.
next step: reducing the debates to a brown piece of cardboard placed opposite a pink piece of cardboard while Little Richard and Pat Boone’s respective versions of “Tutti Frutti” play in the background.
Michael Steele as a stand-in for Obama is a worse choice than Tim Meadows for fuck’s sake.
Have they intstructed him to make sure he liberally sprinkles in the terms “trippin’,” “chitlins,” and “homies?”
Want to get McGeezer to prove exactly how old he is?
Ask him if he can remember when Dennis Miller was funny.
Also doesn’t the selection of Michael Steele as the debate prep stand-in for Obama mean that an equally well qualified white guy got turned down for the job?
More J.C. Watts, plz. If he isn’t available to help out Walnuts, what Warren Moon? (Very obscure…)
…Michael Steele? I guess WALNUTS! has to learn how to speak to a black person without saying “Boy” or “You people”. Ironically however, this is doomed to fail because Michael Steele answers all questions with “Yes sah”, “No sah” and “Please masta don beat meh”.
@Perrys: “I wish Ann Richards were still alive. She’d play a great John McCain…”
I disagree. She’d play a greater McCain if she were dead.
Undeterredbyreality: The way his campaign’s going, I’m sort of surprised he hasn’t made a campaign ad out of that Blazing Saddles line, plus clips from Dolemite, Super Fly, and Blacula.
…isnt Charles Barkley a Republican? Now that would be a debate I would watch!
Barry had better mention those 13 cars…
AngryBlakGuy: and Charles plays basketball. Just like Barack Obama.
Strictly for the Tardcore: “It’s twoo! It’s twoo!”
Apropos of nothing, here is Rudith and Judith last night in the Bronx, she fresh from leaving vast quantities of facial skin in her plastic surgeon’s medwaste bag. http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/baseball/yankees/galleries/the_last_game_at_the_stadium/the_last_game_at_the_stadium.html
benj-thewrathofgod: “DEAD honkey!”
Old WALNUTS! needs a black guy to stand in so that he can practice not saying “you goddamn uppity niggra!” when he gets flustered and confused by Barry’s big elitist words and such. He’s also getting the terrorist fist jab and South Side hand shake together for when they first greet one another.
Seriously, who picked Mississippi? Are they trying to get Barry shot?
benj-thewrathofgod: I found a vid of it…
d4g33z: He beat his wife. Just like a black guy would. Too controversial.
AngryBlakGuy: He’s pretty well switched parties as a sign of disgust with the bible thumps within the GOP.
John McCain needs to get his bigoted tropes right. All black people look alike, not argue and debate alike.
http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/
Wait, Michael Steele got the job over hundreds of qualified white Republicans? Does this mean McCain supports affirmative action now?
I about LMAO when I saw this. My first thought was “Is he the only African American pol they could come up with?” My second was “And this matters WHY?” I think the “gender” thing with Joey practicing with Gov G is a lot more significant. Besides, Barry is taller, so he should win anyway.
magic titty: Damn. That’s just cold. Actually, I would like to see Walnuts debate DMX.
My sources tell me Cranky McCrankypants has been watching old reruns of Amos and Andy to prepare for the debates.
He’s debating with his black GI Joe doll? He’ll definitely lose.
shoeho: They said that about John “Herman Munster” Kerry, too.
apocalypsethen: Dude, this is the foreign policy and national security debate — it’s the only one where McCain has a chance of doing well. He’ll answer every question with “I was a POW, blah, blah, blah, BOMB THEM ALL!” The bitters will love it.
On the other hand, it’s being held on a Friday night in September, which means many of the bitters will drunk at a high school football game instead of watching a debate. Nicely played, Senator Obama.
My favorite part of this whole debate practice story was that Joey B.’s practicing with some female congresswoman. First of all, really? He’s practicing? For a debate with Palin?? Secondly, he picked a congresswoman? Why not a Wal-Mart greeter?
Is Mucacca too busy? Get George Allen on the phone.
Strictly for the Tardcore: Yeah, but Kerry was from, well, FRANCE or something, right? Barry is from HAWAII, which is much cooler.
BobLoblawLawBlog: Actually it’s undercover Canadian and Michigan Governor Jen Granholm…
BobLoblawLawBlog: Actually, Biden’s practicing with Michigan’s Governor Granholm. Which I would say is problem, because Granholm’s kind of a policy wonk. I don’t know if she can dumb it down enough to play Palin. (She definitely can’t play perky enough to be Palin.)
Michael Bauser: Dude, Granholm is far hotter than Palin. Too bad she was born in Canada, or she would have been a major national-level pol.
Joey Ratz: Yeah, but don’t the Dems in MI basically hate her guts??
“I would like to congratulate Senator Obama for being the first black negro African-American Kenyan-Kansasian Hawaiier Chicago gang member to, uh, uh, uh, when I was being held prisoner in North Vietnam.”
The WSJ took this story down, and are now dislaiming its accuracy on other blogs. Come on, this was always too good to be true. It’s an Onion article.
Mr. Steele, the former lieutenant governor of Maryland and a prominent black Republican,
This sentence just makes me fall down giggling. I’m sure schoolkids from Wasilla to Palm Beach County are memorizing the names of their former Maryland lieutenant governors.
MACACA!
user-of-owls: Meh. Doesn’t matter either way - all them negroes look alike to WALNUTS.
Miller: Damn.
pattycake: I would pay BIG MONEY to see THAT debate. HONKY!
JadedDIssonance: WIN. Man, just cause it’s a theme song don’t make it not true.
Michael Steele:
All right fellas, we’re gonna make camp, rest up. Y’all might be in for a treat. You know back before the war broke out I was a saucier in San Antone. I bet I could collar up some of them greens, yeah, some crawfish out the paddy, yo’! Ha! I’m makin’ some crabapples for dessert now, yo! Hell yeah, ha!
cal: I’m sure they’ve removed McCain’s sweat glands just in case.
Cogito Ergo Bibo: Oooo. A real bitch slappin’ like in the movie Kickin It Old School.
You’ve got it ALL WRONG. McCain is going to practice debating against Gary Coleman.