For further proof of just how bumblefuck a state Alaska is, look no further than the ease with which a couple of lawyers for the McCain campaign have destroyed the Troopergate investigation — which was a legitimate issue in Alaska for a while! — after half-assedly skimming off a few handy topic sentences from the Alaskan law code. Todd Palin and several other witnesses were subpoenaed to testify this morning, but no one bothered to show up, and the investigators don’t give a shit. And now the Alaskan legislator in charge of the investigation has announced that the probe will end, as originally scheduled, on October 10, without these key witness reports, cuz whatcha gonna do?

Shortly after Sarah Palin joined the ticket, the McCain campaign made some phone calls to New York to find a fancy lawyer they could schlep out to Alaska for a few weeks, or however long it would take him to end this silly, state-level corruption investigation that Sarah Palin asked for herself. So they get this lawyer, Ed O’Callaghan, to replace the Palins’ supposedly retarded mom-and-pop local lawyer, which led to yesterday’s news:

Palin had been subpoenaed to appear Friday before Alaska lawmakers to testify as to whether Public Safety Commissioner Walt Monegan was fired because he refused to dismiss a state trooper who had gone through a bitter divorce with Sarah Palin’s sister.

McCain-Palin spokesman Ed O’Callaghan said Thursday that Todd Palin no longer believes the Legislature’s investigation is legitimate. [Emphasis ours]

It’s not legitimate… sure, why not? See, all this crooked New York lawyer had to tell the investigators in Alaska is that his client thinks the case is now stupid and lame, so he’s just not going to show up, DEAL WITH IT.

And this works, because:

State law says if a witness refuses to obey a subpoena, the full state Senate or House may “commit the witness for contempt” and take “such action as may be considered necessary.” That could lead to physically hauling the witness in, or imposing fines and jail time. But the Legislature won’t be in session again until January.

So this legislature probably meets for a couple months out of the year, and during those months you’re kind of on the hook, but otherwise people can ignore subpoena dates and get high and go snowmobiling instead. Surely this is not the case in civilized, “contiguous” states? It would be nice to know if we can sleep in tomorrow morning.

And now the investigation will end October 10, without any real information, because of the way it’s been “politicized.” And indeed, that sometimes happens when you launch a state investigation into the top state official. But you’ve gotta… work through it? You know?

Investigator: Palin probe to end before election [AP]
Lawyer: Todd Palin won’t testify in ‘Troopergate’ [AP]
Todd Palin ignores call to testify [Anchorage Daily News]

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  1. Well, he’ll be under public scrutiny for being a vacuous fucking loser and a terrible parent for the rest of his natural life. Silver lining.

    Also, all Republicans, and their lawyers, can blow me.

  2. Nothing to see here, people. Move along. The First Dude doesn’t consider this investigation legitimate, and he’d sure know a bastard if he saw one.

  3. So I was on the phone with an attorney and he mentioned he had a case in which he got his client acquitted of murder despite the fact that the victim in his dying words said the defendant’s name 18 times on the 911 tape as the guy who shot him. I expressed amazement and the attorney chuckled, “yeah, that was some good lawyering.”

  4. This AND Mark Foley. What else is going to get lost in this Friday afternoon Financial MegaCrisis news dump? We have another couple hours people. Keep it coming.

    How long do you think they’ve been sitting on that Mark Foley press release? Will that even be above the fold/page one in Florida tomorrow????

  5. …after the McCain/Palin campaign ends in a EPIC FAIL face plant, I hope the legislature drops the fukkin hammer on these 2 fukk-ups!!! And Trigs azz too!

  6. This proves once again we are a nation of men, not laws.

    [re=102194]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: She did spend $50,000 to redecorate her Mayors office in Wasilla to look like a bordello with red velvet flocked wall-paper. Thats our Bible Spice! So, transparent underwear.

  7. I’m just looking forward to see who will be pardoned at the end of Bush’s term. I’m figuring that every Republican donor who has ever fucked a kid in the ass will be up for some kind of medal Presidential freedom or something.

  8. [re=102210]sati demise[/re]: “We are a nation of men, not laws” — I hate how true this is, and it was the Bush administration which magnified the truth of it for me. Ugh. I’m all out of funny on this one.

  9. [re=102210]sati demise[/re]: My childhood home had that wallpaper in the entry hall! Super tacky. I kept asking if we could put a red light out on the porch, just to complete the image. My parents were not amused.

  10. The emporer, or emporess in this case, has no clothes, but she sure as shit has a ‘cloak of invisibility’!! Transparent government, brought to you by your local 10th level wizard and backed by D&D geeks everywhere!

  11. All you liberal pukes don’t get it, once again. The black terrorist obama is doing everything he can to gain politically over Palin. There are black panthers all over Juneau right now, politically charging this “investigation.” I’ve never seen this kind of overt sexism and racism in my life.

    I also haven’t seen our resident pet freeper Lord Herniated lately, so I’m doing my part in filling in.

  12. [re=102221]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Bush will pardon every one of those fuskers, including Cheney. He will then resign @ 11:55 AM so Dick can be sworn in, and dicky will then pardon George. (if he just doesn’t decide to declare martial law and make the last bit of the Constitution his personal ass-wipe paper.

  13. [re=102231]Borat[/re]: Larry Craig and his ilk. To take teh ghey out of the party. They’ll start fresh with a new batch of page stalkers soon enough.

  14. “Todd Palin no longer believes the Legislature‚Äôs investigation is legitimate.”

    Hey, didn’t Slobodan Milosevic use that argument to contest his trial by the International War Crimes Tribunal? Let’s consider ourselves warned, shall we?

  15. Cool patch.
    On the left, a deadly fireball exploding above an Anwar oil rig.
    On the right, a surprised moose getting buggered by The Todd from behind the flag of Tonga.
    Just below the flag, an enchanted fish carrying a delicious Milk Bone on it’s back.
    At the very bottom, the State Police being brutally pick-axed by the Governor’s Office and then summarily buried.

  16. This is perfect, people. The dew’s already off this rose, and the future will only be worse.

    The chant at each Sarah Plain rally must now be: “What are you hiding from? What are you afraid of?”

    Because even the MOST retarded Republican voter knows that if there was nothing to this mess, the Palins would both be anxious to get it over with and behind them.

    I suspect that Branchflower and French have some cojones, and come October 10th, their report will vilify, not vindicate.

    Then what, Bible Spice? Alaskan Independence Party? Amway franchise? Mailboxes, Etc.?

    Because the only way you’ll see the Oval Office is on a fuckin’ White House tour, uh-huh uh-huh!

  17. I’m sitting at our county’s Democratic Party headquarters right now and business is booming. So I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about these pitbullfuckers. Gotta go, someone wants to volunteer.

  18. You know, dammit, I knew when Palin was nominated that this was just going to be very, very bad for Alaska. Every one else was all oh boy this will be great, maybe Palin will get us even more money than Uncle Ted could, and I said, no, no, no, Alaska is a place best served by faint memories of Northern Exposure. Now the gig is up, snowbilly has entered the public lexicon, we look like a sorry coupling of the Andy Griffith Show and Married with Children, and I don’t even want to live here anymore. Stupid national politics.

  19. [re=102340]Babs Hula[/re]: You’re probably right. As an excuse, they can say, “Well, shit, we’ve only been a state for 50 years….we’ll learn how to play with the big boys.” But, no, there’s no reason to give a crap, until the Russians come across the Bering Land Bridge and the Eskimos try to hold them off with harpoons.

  20. Just a reminder: I think that show or play or movie or whatever it was, called “Strokin'” or “Chokin'” starts the same day as Ted Stevens’ trial. (I refer to the Flamebo Pink URL-killing RAM-sucking Web Background that Wonkette had during the convention.)

  21. [re=102369]jennx[/re]: Why don’t you Alaskans apply for Territorial status? I think you’ve shown that you can’t govern yourselves. Just sayin’.

  22. [re=102384]Babs Hula[/re]: But it’s where your baby harp seal, dog food comes from. In these gloomy times, keep in mind its nutrional value. And it goes well with crackers.

  23. I think democracy may have missed Alaska entirely. Clearly, these two really think they’re king and queen of Alaska. I’m waiting to hear about how she’s going to start beheading people with her shotgun.

  24. Actually, it appears that some of the witnesses have either now testified or are going to. Subpoenas are being served on the remaining witnesses, and the AK Dept. of Law is going to be hard pressed to explain how they reneged on a written promise given just last week to produce these witnesses.

    The letter about the contempt of the subpoenas from the Committee’s coordinator is at:

    The investigator has already amassed a huge amount of information and testimony. The report will be damning. It’s the Alaska Legislature’s turn when they meet in regular session in January to determine whether to proceed with contempt prosecutions of the uncooperative witnesses.

  25. This could be just delicious. First of all, the fact Branchflower (best/most fanciful investigator name ever, by the by) doesn’t need the testimony of those asshats who’ve ignored their subpoenas seems to suggest that he’s already got a pretty solid case. He’d have to be a complete idiot to keep running with an unsubstantiated rumor at this point, with the ramifications being so public and political. Plus, if all Palin did was fire someone for refusing to discipline an officer who’d abused and/or threatened her family (more or less what she claims), this seems like it wouldn’t have warranted such a big deal. SO, I’ve been rumor shopping, and here’s what I’ve come up with:

    Track Palin gets busted with three other douchbag friends for cutting the brake lines on local kids’ schoolbuses. He’s arrested, then told he either has to go to jail or into the Army. He chooses the Army. The arrest happened on Mike Wooten’s (the state trooper at the center of this investigation’s) “beat,” and it was the troopers who arrested the dickheads.


  26. From:
    Head of State

    Saturday, September 20, 2008
    Sarah Palin Meets with Afghan President Karzai (Transcript)

    “Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin will meet next week with Afghan President Hamid Karzai in New York, on the sidelines of the opening of the U.N. General Assembly, according to Afghan officials in Washington.”–Washington Post


    Palin: Oh, Mr. President, it is such a pleasure to meet you, you’re the first head of state that I have had the opportunity to meet–which is more than many Vice Presidents–and I’m so glad that my first one is an Afghani.

    You know, in Trig’s class there was a little Afghani? He was the child of one of the oil executives, and he was so cute, with his little turban runnin’ around, everyone just loved him, and felt for him…

    Karzai: Yes.

    Palin: And everyone knew that we just had to defend him and keep him free and that’s why I think that with a Palin/McCain…

    Palin Aide: (looking up from clipboard) McCain/Palin.

    Palin: …McCain/Palin ticket, we can make sure of that, if we have to attack Russia, even, I mean, to keep people free at home, just like we want to keep our people free. We have so much in common! I know you have the problem with the poppies, and I understand so well, Mr. Karzai, because we have the same problem with the crystal meth in Wasilla? And I said “Look, we’ve got to shake this up!” and then that’s just what I said, I said ‘Look, let’s just see what we have in common with these guys!” And that’s just what you could do with the Taliban, Mr. Karzai. They’ve already so moral, and they want people to live by the straight and narrow, and they’ve got the newspapers sayin’ and the schools doin’ lots of the right things. They just need to get some of the right ideas, and pray to the right Lord. And, if they don’t understand, we still have the weapons left over from Iraq, and then we can’t blink, we can’t blink, can we, Mr. Karzai?

    Karzai: (Looks at Palin silently without moving his head. Pauses.). Blink?

    Palin: Right. The thing is, we just have to hit the ground runnin’, Mr. Karzai. That’s what I do. A few weeks ago I didn’t even know what a Vice President does</i?! That’s why I put a clock on my wall–do you have the same clocks as we do in Afghanistan? With the twelve numbers? (points in air to numbers on air clock)–Anyway, I said “I’m gonna measure just how much time I have left here” and that’s what you could do, I think, with the war, Mr. Karzai, is to put up a clock so you know just how much time you have left until you finish it. I tell you, Mr. Karzai, it’s such a motivating influence on my staff, the good ones, anyway, they know what they’re supposed to finish and when, they hear me sayin “Look at the clock, people, look at the clock, and know what you have left to finish…”

    Karzai: Yes.

    Palin: And so I said to my husband, Todd–I call him the “First Dude”–Do you have that word ‘Dude’ here in Afghanistan?–maybe it’s like “Khan” or “Emir” or somethin’?–I said to him, ‘Todd, we have to take a look at what’s happenin’ in Afghanistan–before McCain called or any other thing happened–‘ cause I saw that Russia was right across from us, and then right next to that you have all the ‘Stans–(counts cross fingers) Kyrgyzstan, oh, what’s the others?–well, you are aware of them, of course, Mr. Karzai (laughs)…

    Karzai: (Nods)

    Palin: And if we don’t let other people know of what I’m aware of then the world won’t change, Mr. Karzai. I know we have the same goals even if we don’t have the same God yet…(aide touches Palin on shoulder, whispers). ‘Even’, not ‘yet’, I meant ‘same God even, Mr. Karzai, and my point is, we can’t let others stop our choice, which is freedom for those who deserve it, and that’s why I know a Palin/McCain…

    Palin Aide: (reaching over to touch shoulder)

    Palin: Stop! (brushing aide’s hand off)…McCain/Palin ticket will do just what you want, Mr. Karzai…

    Second Palin Aide Approaches: It’s time for your next appointment, Gov. Palin.

    Palin: It was so good meeting you, President Karzai, and all of your other people, it was so good meeting you too! Shalom! (waves, exits).

    Karzai: (to his aide, in Pashto): She makes the last one look like the Grand Mufti.

    Head of State

  27. The United States is swiftly becoming the laughing stock of the world. Palin has no more business meeting with foreign head’s of state than my 7 year old son. McCain clearly failed to put country first in his decision to select her. I recently cyber-snooped info regarding the real reason Monegan was fired. Her lack of knowledge regarding her own country’s history plus the horrible troopergate scandal are an insult to the intelligence of the American people.

  28. From:
    Head of State

    Monday, September 22, 2008
    Palin: The Soft Preparedness of Lowered Expectations

    In all seriousness, expect the following from Palin’s “meetings” with leaders on Tuesday and Wednesday:

    -A series of serious-sounding quotes, direct from her days of preparation, that cannot possibly indicate her actual knowledge on the issues, data and risks facing each and with regard to each nation. Quotes, not readiness, happen in days.

    -A bevy of positive statements from each leader–after all, that’s why they were chosen–all being nations seeking U.S. favor, and having nothing to lose and potentially much to gain by doing so.

    -A rush of “surprised” reactions from media at “how seriously she was taken,” ready, as so often, to grasp the superficially new.

    -An attempt by the McCain camp to drive through her supposed preparedness as a result, as quickly as possible, before the debates.

    -Still no in-depth, free-form, extensive challenging interviews on the full range of foreign and domestic policy issues facing this nation from this prospective President.

    Don’t buy it.

    A few days ago, she was ready to invade Russia (which she could see from her border).

    Remember, for your security and future: A series of rehearsed quotes does not a President make.

    Head of State

  29. [re=102185]freakishlystrong[/re]:
    Seriously- the Alaskans are pissed off that the McCain hit squad rolled into town and gamed the system. A Bi-partisan committee of 5 Reps and 3 Dems and an unelected AG steps in ( who is third in line to become Governor and a flunky of Palin- ie a “Palindrone”)

    Now any press who wishes to discuss this has to go through McClowns office. Forget SLomins, the POW shield protects you from those pesky ethics probes! Talk about Cheney in a skirt!

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