COCKTOBER SURPRISE  3:39 pm September 19, 2008

Mark Foley’s Name Will Be Cleared!

by Ken Layne

A/S/L?A long time ago right before this current presidential campaign began, in 2006, there was a charming middle-aged Florida bachelor congressman named Mark Foley who loved to masturbate while typing dirty messages to the boy-children who served as Congressional pages. Occasionally, he would show up drunk at the boy-page barn and demand some action. There is nothing wrong with this, and Congressmen wouldn’t have those young supple pages supplied by the government if not to fuck those kids, right?

So, finally, after a liberal anti-sex crusade against our greatest congressman, it looks like Mark Foley will win back his honor.

After an exhaustive two-year investigation, former U.S. Rep. Mark Foley isn’t expected to face charges for sending salacious messages to underage pages, two federal law enforcement officials have told The Associated Press.

Hooray! Here’s a picture of Foley with another back-from-2006 political hero, George “Macaca” Allen. (And some other old GOP dude, probably the Pope?)
Federal officials: No charges likely against Foley [AP]

Related video

Hola wonkerados.

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njdon September 19, 2008 at 3:43 pm

now,he can comment on wonkette.

loudmouthredhead September 19, 2008 at 3:45 pm

Hey hey, now, let’s not get too crazy here. Don’t you know that the phrase “I want to play with your ruby starfruit” is a “lolspeak” the kids use to say “Let’s go pray for all gheys to burn in hell”? C’mon, get hip, you old farts!

liberaltruthsayer September 19, 2008 at 3:45 pm

Wow, great. I guess diddling pages is aok if you are a republican. Nice work Foley!

tunamelt September 19, 2008 at 3:45 pm

In the made-up words of William Wallace, “FREEEEDOM!”

AngryBlakGuy September 19, 2008 at 3:45 pm

…will he now move to Europe like Michael Jackson?

ManchuCandidate September 19, 2008 at 3:46 pm

George Allen Or Alec Baldwin?

liberaltruthsayer September 19, 2008 at 3:46 pm

OOOOH that’s right! Cocktober is nearly upon us! Time to put out the ornamental gourds and bales of hay on the porch!

Lascauxcaveman September 19, 2008 at 3:47 pm

I’m pretty sure that other old dude is Ted Knight.

loudmouthredhead September 19, 2008 at 3:47 pm

I wonder what his sticker name tag says in the photo…
“Hello, my name is: PAGElvr69″

JadedDIssonance September 19, 2008 at 3:48 pm

double title tags!

I’m not sure if I prefer the assfucking or the buttsex tag…

CrunchyKnee September 19, 2008 at 3:48 pm

In Soviet America, Pages are indeed for FUCKING.

donner_froh September 19, 2008 at 3:49 pm

Nice picture. Great alt text. He looks like he is about to give the old guy a handjob.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, for this brief respite from the exploding economy, Sarah Palin and other unmistakable signs the the world is ending.

pattycake September 19, 2008 at 3:49 pm

That other GOP dude is His Honor Judge Elihu Smails.

Baseproduct September 19, 2008 at 3:49 pm

I’m so proud to be an American, where creepy old men can creep on in to their twilight years.

sezme September 19, 2008 at 3:50 pm

[re=102087]liberaltruthsayer[/re]: Aye, matey! It’s page fuckin’ season!

rambone September 19, 2008 at 3:50 pm

Foley wouldn’t have had to proposition those boys if Obama had agreed to appear at 10 town hall meetings with him.

WaldoJeffersHead September 19, 2008 at 3:51 pm

Looks like he’s pantomiming his groping technique…

paolaccio September 19, 2008 at 3:51 pm

some other old GOP dude, probably the Pope?

Why, that’s Judge Smails!

paolaccio September 19, 2008 at 3:52 pm

[re=102098]pattycake[/re]: Dammit!

El Bombastico September 19, 2008 at 3:52 pm

Jesus Christ, does every aging GOP queen in Florida have that same Hulk Hogan-fake-orange tan?

Whiskeybaby September 19, 2008 at 3:55 pm

the triumverate of unattractive in that photo is astonishing.

Q2 September 19, 2008 at 3:55 pm

Mark Foley is an ASS WEASEL.

Ass Weasel:

(1) A term used to describe a little overly happy weasel inserting him/herself up one’s anus.

(2) One who frequently gives others rimjobs and derives satisfaction from it.

WagTehGod September 19, 2008 at 3:55 pm

I can’t wait for the Dane Cook “There’s only one Cocktober!” ads to promote the presidential debates.

loudmouthredhead September 19, 2008 at 3:57 pm

Let’s keep in mind what the underlying reasoning is in the GOP brain:
Gay men/women having consensual sex in the privacy of their own homes: BAD
Closet-case republicans soliciting/giving blowjobs in public restrooms: GOOD
Kids being educated on safe sex, with condoms and birth control: BAD
Teenagers (Straight, CHRISTIAN ones) being forced to marry at 17-18: GOOD

Thus, as long as you rail AGAINST being ghey, you’re free to actually be as gay as you want.

Cogito Ergo Bibo September 19, 2008 at 3:57 pm

[re=102087]liberaltruthsayer[/re]: Seriously! I need to go out and get a candle to light in prayer, each night. Please oh, please let it be a good Cocktober, this year!

Can Barbie speak to Santa about that? I mean, she can see the North Pole from her house.

coolcatdaddy September 19, 2008 at 3:58 pm


After seeing Palin’s family, I guess a little bit of text messaging to Congressional pages didn’t really seem _that_ weird…

surfacenoise76 September 19, 2008 at 3:58 pm

So, has the current Florida gov. called off the engagement, or is he still hoping Palin will be dropped?

njdon September 19, 2008 at 3:59 pm

soon with palin in the white house the pages will have to learn cunnilingus. now thats a mouthful.

Doglessliberal September 19, 2008 at 3:59 pm

[re=102118]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: I am thinking we’ll have to wait for Blowvember because the news media will be whipped into a frothing frenzy in October about the election and not care about reporting on anything but that. Then, post-election, the floodgates will open (we hope).

SayItWithWookies September 19, 2008 at 4:00 pm

Caption: “Okay, now taste this and see if you can guess which of these boys it came from.”

magic titty September 19, 2008 at 4:00 pm

So our consolation is he get’s to spend the rest of his life as a disgraced pedophile?
I can live with that.

azw88 September 19, 2008 at 4:01 pm

Since all that Foley was trying to do was find himslef a “Cabin Boy”, his name has been cleared as part of a new a new tradition: one person is given clemency on “Speak like a Pirate Day”.

facehead September 19, 2008 at 4:01 pm

Thank God his name will be cleared! After he blew me at Denny’s, well, I started to think he was one of teh Gays.

Walter Sobchak September 19, 2008 at 4:03 pm

My very first tip to wonkette back in Cocktober ’06 was how my cousin worked at the bar right outside the gates of the condo complex he lived (lives?) in, and they had to keep bottles of wine aside for him because he wouldn’t drink what us normals were being served. He used to get shitfaced and walk home, and was a shitty tipper. What a douche.

ejcsanfran September 19, 2008 at 4:04 pm

[re=102114]Q2[/re]: Are you saying that some people don’t derive satisfaction from giving rimjobs? Chacun à son goût, I suppose – but what’s not to like about rimming?

Miller September 19, 2008 at 4:05 pm

This bodes well for my page diddling trial!

azw88 September 19, 2008 at 4:08 pm

[re=102136]ejcsanfran[/re]: Depends on if you are the ‘rimmer’ or the ‘rimmee’

ManchuCandidate September 19, 2008 at 4:09 pm

“Arrrrh, Ever been to sea, Billy? No, Captain Foley, but I’ve been blown ashore!”

JohnnyMeatworth September 19, 2008 at 4:11 pm

Awesome! now he can take that NAMBLA lobbyist job with his head held high!

S.Luggo September 19, 2008 at 4:16 pm

— In a letter to the FDLE obtained by The Associated Press, House Deputy General Counsel Kerry Kircher wrote that because the [computer] data “may contain legislative information that is constitutionally privileged … and because Mr. Foley has not waived that privilege … we cannot simply give you access.” —
Good point, Kerry. At the time, Foley was working on the “Man-Boy Dating Act of 2006″.

SayItWithWookies September 19, 2008 at 4:16 pm

[re=102132]azw88[/re]: They should’ve freed Barabbas instead.

TeddyS September 19, 2008 at 4:16 pm

C’mon, you libtards. Cut him some slack. Foley knows a guy was a POW for five and a half years.

SlouchingTowardsWasilla September 19, 2008 at 4:17 pm

Dude on the right looks like he actually shits money.

ClearlyDeranged September 19, 2008 at 4:18 pm

when bristol hatches a baby wood-bison it will be living proof half-breed todd was giving her a rim-job.

azw88 September 19, 2008 at 4:24 pm

[re=102152]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Sorry, he had nothing to do with being a pirate. Sean Parker would have been grated clemency, but he sold out and went commercial, thus making him an anti-pirate.

HuskyMescan September 19, 2008 at 4:29 pm

Woo hoo !! he’s gonna celebrate tonight. He’s inviting Macaca, that Ted Baxter looking fucker, Sanitorum, Larry Craig to a Jeff Gannon-cleaveland-steamer-on-the-chest-a-thon tonight, tonight! Good times with republicans.

rambone September 19, 2008 at 4:29 pm

Every time you hear a bell ring, you know that another Republican got away with molesting a small boy-child.

bitchincamaro September 19, 2008 at 4:30 pm

“An’ when I gets tired of being blown ashore, I climbs back aboard The Raging Queen for more high seas hyjinx. Arrrhh.”

Godot September 19, 2008 at 4:35 pm

I don’t care what you awful libruls say Mark Foley. I’ll always remember him fondly for the incredible Hell In A Cell match he had with The Undertaker in 1998.

Kev-O-Tron September 19, 2008 at 4:40 pm

Is that his O face?

And the shirt? Nooooo…. He’s not gay. Not. gay. at. all.

The guy on the right couldn’t possibly look ANY more conservative. That is the very definition of “conservatively dressed” and I fucking hate it. Of course I’m from Seattle home of the Utilikilt so I don’t have much room to brag. What’s a Utilikilt you ask? Click if you dare:

They’re very popular with our local Paultards and Truthers.

Gopherit v2.0 September 19, 2008 at 4:46 pm

[re=102190]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: No, it looks like he’s about to spit a mouthful of boy-jizz at Lady Justice.

So, not surprisingly, if you’re a mouth-breathing, Joe-Flyover pederast, they put you on “To Catch a Predator” and throw your ass in jail. If you’re in congress, not so much.

AnnieGetYourFun September 19, 2008 at 4:57 pm

[re=102129]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Look, Wookies, you know I love you. But that… that was wrong.

V572625694 September 19, 2008 at 4:58 pm

[re=102142]ManchuCandidate[/re]: “Avast, ye matey! Get in this barrel, and we’ll do it ‘urricane style!” From The Giant Rat of Sumatra, I believe

checkonechecktwo September 19, 2008 at 5:00 pm

Mark Foley is currently in my butt.

ShamWow September 19, 2008 at 5:02 pm

[re=102190]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: Can you put a flagpin on the utilikilt? If not, the guy on the right can’t do it

TGY September 19, 2008 at 5:03 pm

It’s time to turn the page.

Kev-O-Tron September 19, 2008 at 5:04 pm

[re=102219]ShamWow[/re]: A Truther wearing a Utilikilt tried to hand me Truther literature recently. First instinct was to punch him in his stupid mouth for being a Truther. Second instinct was too laugh because he was wearing a Utitilikilt and that makes him pathetic.

gurukalehuru September 19, 2008 at 5:05 pm

Five thirty eight is back to its normal self, and I am happy. Let Mark Foley suck all the little boy dick he can handle.

PoliTacky September 19, 2008 at 5:13 pm

Well, it looks like Mark Foley has turned the page on this terrible scandal, so now he can get back to turning over pages.

morevodkaplz September 19, 2008 at 5:35 pm

[re=102088]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: I thought it was Merv Griffin.

gjdodger September 19, 2008 at 5:48 pm

Dude #3 = Nikita Zukov. Architect, man-about-town, defaulter.

SayItWithWookies September 19, 2008 at 5:58 pm

[re=102212]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Yeah, but I’ll bet you laughed.

Itsjustme September 19, 2008 at 6:16 pm

[re=102108]El Bombastico[/re]: Answer: yes

Wee Mousie September 19, 2008 at 6:45 pm

Mark Foley steadfastly supports the no child’s behind left program, and besides, those pages were already earmarked for congress.

WoundedVeteran September 19, 2008 at 7:02 pm

If Mark Foley wore lipstick, let’s say Passion Red #8, you’d find it on George Bush’s lips…by way of his asshole. I have heard around the belt that Foley is lip smackin good, a match for sweet lips.

WoundedVeteran September 19, 2008 at 7:06 pm

How many wounded veterans could be supported by Foley’s pension. I’m sorry, I’m out of line…….

btwbfdimho September 19, 2008 at 7:13 pm

Congress cleared McCain (Keating 5), Craig (Wide Stance) and now Foley, who else?
Remember Kapitol Hill subpoena Karl Rove on May? He never showed up and they did nothing. No wonder their approval rate is below W’s.
Pelosi, please step down before Caribou Barbie finds you with her Winchester.

skippy September 19, 2008 at 7:30 pm

The dude on the right is clearly the late great John Spencer who, along with Baldwin, is walking right past Foley while leaving him hanging and trying to make light of it.

WoundedVeteran September 19, 2008 at 7:39 pm

If Foley wore buttstick 00 Orange, where would one expect to find it on the President?? All over….

donner_froh September 19, 2008 at 8:24 pm

[re=102282]gjdodger[/re]: Remarkably well preserved for the man who defeated the German Army in World War II. He used to be taller.

AngryLagomorph September 19, 2008 at 11:25 pm

Does this really surprise anyone? What’s Larry Craig doing these days? Still in Congress?

Let’s face facts, folks, barring being caught by the D.C. Metro, FBI, ATF, and CIA naked on a bed covered in counterfeit bills while trying to revive an under-aged (smuggled) hermaphrodite prostitute from a simultaneous overdoes of Ecstasy, Quaaludes, and Crack cocaine at the precise moment that her Russian spymaster tumbles out of the closet, no pol is going to face charges.

Hell, half the time they’ll just get a stern finger-wagging from the Ethics Committee.

BobLoblawLawBlog September 20, 2008 at 5:53 pm

Perfect! Now Barry can bring along a visual aid to his how-to-avoid-a-sexual-predator kindergarten fun-time hour!

zhubajie September 20, 2008 at 9:48 pm

[re=102183]Godot[/re]: Maybe all Congressmen should be required to have cage matches with someone big and scary before they run. Or at least before they take office.

Zhu Bajie

fuzznuts September 20, 2008 at 11:22 pm

The use of the screen name “Ben Dover” should have been a giveaway.
This is what it could lead to:

josereyes.theroof September 21, 2008 at 6:36 pm

Foley? Shit! He’s gotten off.

& that was just last nite in Craig’s List Casual Encounters.

Words September 22, 2008 at 12:34 am

He unfortunately is going to be the first in a long line of Repbulicans getting off from whatever felony/major crime they’ve committed.

I still can’t believe poor Bill Clinton got impeached over a blowjob from a chick (albeit not his wife–) . And Repubs are trying to tell us they’re the party of “family values”? Sarah Palin’s disfunctional family has gotten a bye from JAMES DOBSON for God’s sake. Can’t believe the “Rev.” (I use the term lightly or litely?) Dobson hasn’t been struck by his Almighty for hypocrisy yet.

(Where is Your Moses NOW?– as E.G.Robinson said famously)—

JSDC007 September 22, 2008 at 10:41 am

Why does Foley always wear that ready for a rimmin’ pucker?

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