cocktober surprise

Mark Foley’s Name Will Be Cleared!

A/S/L?A long time ago right before this current presidential campaign began, in 2006, there was a charming middle-aged Florida bachelor congressman named Mark Foley who loved to masturbate while typing dirty messages to the boy-children who served as Congressional pages. Occasionally, he would show up drunk at the boy-page barn and demand some action. There is nothing wrong with this, and Congressmen wouldn’t have those young supple pages supplied by the government if not to fuck those kids, right?

So, finally, after a liberal anti-sex crusade against our greatest congressman, it looks like Mark Foley will win back his honor.

After an exhaustive two-year investigation, former U.S. Rep. Mark Foley isn’t expected to face charges for sending salacious messages to underage pages, two federal law enforcement officials have told The Associated Press.

Hooray! Here’s a picture of Foley with another back-from-2006 political hero, George “Macaca” Allen. (And some other old GOP dude, probably the Pope?)
'ARE U HORNY?' 'A LITTLE'
Federal officials: No charges likely against Foley [AP]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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77 comments

  1. loudmouthredhead

    Hey hey, now, let’s not get too crazy here. Don’t you know that the phrase “I want to play with your ruby starfruit” is a “lolspeak” the kids use to say “Let’s go pray for all gheys to burn in hell”? C’mon, get hip, you old farts!

  2. liberaltruthsayer

    OOOOH that’s right! Cocktober is nearly upon us! Time to put out the ornamental gourds and bales of hay on the porch!

  3. donner_froh

    Nice picture. Great alt text. He looks like he is about to give the old guy a handjob.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you, for this brief respite from the exploding economy, Sarah Palin and other unmistakable signs the the world is ending.

  4. rambone

    Foley wouldn’t have had to proposition those boys if Obama had agreed to appear at 10 town hall meetings with him.

  5. Q2

    Mark Foley is an ASS WEASEL.

    Ass Weasel:

    (1) A term used to describe a little overly happy weasel inserting him/herself up one’s anus.

    (2) One who frequently gives others rimjobs and derives satisfaction from it.

  6. WagTehGod

    I can’t wait for the Dane Cook “There’s only one Cocktober!” ads to promote the presidential debates.

  7. loudmouthredhead

    Let’s keep in mind what the underlying reasoning is in the GOP brain:
    Gay men/women having consensual sex in the privacy of their own homes: BAD
    Closet-case republicans soliciting/giving blowjobs in public restrooms: GOOD
    Kids being educated on safe sex, with condoms and birth control: BAD
    Teenagers (Straight, CHRISTIAN ones) being forced to marry at 17-18: GOOD

    Thus, as long as you rail AGAINST being ghey, you’re free to actually be as gay as you want.

  8. Cogito Ergo Bibo

    [re=102087]liberaltruthsayer[/re]: Seriously! I need to go out and get a candle to light in prayer, each night. Please oh, please let it be a good Cocktober, this year!

    Can Barbie speak to Santa about that? I mean, she can see the North Pole from her house.

  9. coolcatdaddy

    Sigh.

    After seeing Palin’s family, I guess a little bit of text messaging to Congressional pages didn’t really seem _that_ weird…

  10. surfacenoise76

    So, has the current Florida gov. called off the engagement, or is he still hoping Palin will be dropped?

  11. Doglessliberal

    [re=102118]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: I am thinking we’ll have to wait for Blowvember because the news media will be whipped into a frothing frenzy in October about the election and not care about reporting on anything but that. Then, post-election, the floodgates will open (we hope).

  12. magic titty

    So our consolation is he get’s to spend the rest of his life as a disgraced pedophile?
    I can live with that.

  13. azw88

    Since all that Foley was trying to do was find himslef a “Cabin Boy”, his name has been cleared as part of a new a new tradition: one person is given clemency on “Speak like a Pirate Day”.

  14. facehead

    Thank God his name will be cleared! After he blew me at Denny’s, well, I started to think he was one of teh Gays.

  15. Walter Sobchak

    My very first tip to wonkette back in Cocktober ’06 was how my cousin worked at the bar right outside the gates of the condo complex he lived (lives?) in, and they had to keep bottles of wine aside for him because he wouldn’t drink what us normals were being served. He used to get shitfaced and walk home, and was a shitty tipper. What a douche.

  16. ejcsanfran

    [re=102114]Q2[/re]: Are you saying that some people don’t derive satisfaction from giving rimjobs? Chacun à son goût, I suppose – but what’s not to like about rimming?

  17. ManchuCandidate

    [re=102132]azw88[/re]:
    “Arrrrh, Ever been to sea, Billy? No, Captain Foley, but I’ve been blown ashore!”

  18. S.Luggo

    — In a letter to the FDLE obtained by The Associated Press, House Deputy General Counsel Kerry Kircher wrote that because the [computer] data “may contain legislative information that is constitutionally privileged … and because Mr. Foley has not waived that privilege … we cannot simply give you access.” —
    Good point, Kerry. At the time, Foley was working on the “Man-Boy Dating Act of 2006″.

  19. ClearlyDeranged

    when bristol hatches a baby wood-bison it will be living proof half-breed todd was giving her a rim-job.

  20. azw88

    [re=102152]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Sorry, he had nothing to do with being a pirate. Sean Parker would have been grated clemency, but he sold out and went commercial, thus making him an anti-pirate.

  21. HuskyMescan

    Woo hoo !! he’s gonna celebrate tonight. He’s inviting Macaca, that Ted Baxter looking fucker, Sanitorum, Larry Craig to a Jeff Gannon-cleaveland-steamer-on-the-chest-a-thon tonight, tonight! Good times with republicans.

  22. rambone

    Every time you hear a bell ring, you know that another Republican got away with molesting a small boy-child.

  23. bitchincamaro

    [re=102142]ManchuCandidate[/re]:
    “An’ when I gets tired of being blown ashore, I climbs back aboard The Raging Queen for more high seas hyjinx. Arrrhh.”

  24. Godot

    I don’t care what you awful libruls say Mark Foley. I’ll always remember him fondly for the incredible Hell In A Cell match he had with The Undertaker in 1998.

  25. Kev-O-Tron

    Is that his O face?

    And the shirt? Nooooo…. He’s not gay. Not. gay. at. all.

    The guy on the right couldn’t possibly look ANY more conservative. That is the very definition of “conservatively dressed” and I fucking hate it. Of course I’m from Seattle home of the Utilikilt so I don’t have much room to brag. What’s a Utilikilt you ask? Click if you dare:

    http://www.utilikilts.com/index.php?page_id=6

    They’re very popular with our local Paultards and Truthers.

  26. Gopherit v2.0

    [re=102190]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: No, it looks like he’s about to spit a mouthful of boy-jizz at Lady Justice.

    So, not surprisingly, if you’re a mouth-breathing, Joe-Flyover pederast, they put you on “To Catch a Predator” and throw your ass in jail. If you’re in congress, not so much.

  27. V572625694

    [re=102142]ManchuCandidate[/re]: “Avast, ye matey! Get in this barrel, and we’ll do it ‘urricane style!” From The Giant Rat of Sumatra, I believe

  28. ShamWow

    [re=102190]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: Can you put a flagpin on the utilikilt? If not, the guy on the right can’t do it

  29. Kev-O-Tron

    [re=102219]ShamWow[/re]: A Truther wearing a Utilikilt tried to hand me Truther literature recently. First instinct was to punch him in his stupid mouth for being a Truther. Second instinct was too laugh because he was wearing a Utitilikilt and that makes him pathetic.

  30. gurukalehuru

    Five thirty eight is back to its normal self, and I am happy. Let Mark Foley suck all the little boy dick he can handle.

  31. PoliTacky

    Well, it looks like Mark Foley has turned the page on this terrible scandal, so now he can get back to turning over pages.

  32. Wee Mousie

    Mark Foley steadfastly supports the no child’s behind left program, and besides, those pages were already earmarked for congress.

  33. WoundedVeteran

    If Mark Foley wore lipstick, let’s say Passion Red #8, you’d find it on George Bush’s lips…by way of his asshole. I have heard around the belt that Foley is lip smackin good, a match for sweet lips.

  34. WoundedVeteran

    How many wounded veterans could be supported by Foley’s pension. I’m sorry, I’m out of line…….

  35. btwbfdimho

    Congress cleared McCain (Keating 5), Craig (Wide Stance) and now Foley, who else?
    Remember Kapitol Hill subpoena Karl Rove on May? He never showed up and they did nothing. No wonder their approval rate is below W’s.
    Pelosi, please step down before Caribou Barbie finds you with her Winchester.

  36. skippy

    The dude on the right is clearly the late great John Spencer who, along with Baldwin, is walking right past Foley while leaving him hanging and trying to make light of it.

  37. WoundedVeteran

    If Foley wore buttstick 00 Orange, where would one expect to find it on the President?? All over….

  38. donner_froh

    [re=102282]gjdodger[/re]: Remarkably well preserved for the man who defeated the German Army in World War II. He used to be taller.

  39. AngryLagomorph

    Does this really surprise anyone? What’s Larry Craig doing these days? Still in Congress?

    Let’s face facts, folks, barring being caught by the D.C. Metro, FBI, ATF, and CIA naked on a bed covered in counterfeit bills while trying to revive an under-aged (smuggled) hermaphrodite prostitute from a simultaneous overdoes of Ecstasy, Quaaludes, and Crack cocaine at the precise moment that her Russian spymaster tumbles out of the closet, no pol is going to face charges.

    Hell, half the time they’ll just get a stern finger-wagging from the Ethics Committee.

  40. BobLoblawLawBlog

    Perfect! Now Barry can bring along a visual aid to his how-to-avoid-a-sexual-predator kindergarten fun-time hour!

  41. zhubajie

    [re=102183]Godot[/re]: Maybe all Congressmen should be required to have cage matches with someone big and scary before they run. Or at least before they take office.

    Zhu Bajie

  42. Words

    He unfortunately is going to be the first in a long line of Repbulicans getting off from whatever felony/major crime they’ve committed.

    I still can’t believe poor Bill Clinton got impeached over a blowjob from a chick (albeit not his wife–) . And Repubs are trying to tell us they’re the party of “family values”? Sarah Palin’s disfunctional family has gotten a bye from JAMES DOBSON for God’s sake. Can’t believe the “Rev.” (I use the term lightly or litely?) Dobson hasn’t been struck by his Almighty for hypocrisy yet.

    (Where is Your Moses NOW?– as E.G.Robinson said famously)—

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