Wonkette
Oh hey look it’s our president, Henry Paulson, finally telling America what he’s going to do to make sure everyone isn’t so poor anymore. We are a little late to the game here since he started talking a few minutes ago but meh, what the hell, let’s give this a look.
10:10 AM — Oh God there are a lot of acronyms in this fellow’s address. More coffee please!
10:11 AM — On MNSBC they are showing the most terrible images next to old Paulson at his podium. Tragic Dow numbers, abandoned stucco mansions with a million foreclosure signs outside, traders wandering aimlessly around Wall Street…Yay, now he’s taking questions!
10:12 AM — Congratulations, taxpayers! You are now the proud owners of HUNDREDS OF BILLIONS OF DOLLARS of bad debt, courtesy of various banks and lenders. Oh Jesus Paulson just RAN off the stage.
10:14 AM — Ha ha, well, that was brief but terrifying! Mika Brzezinski informs us that President Bush will be speaking in half an hour, which we will probably also liveblog, for “fun.”
What is the price of hobo bindle these days?
Finally! After years of racking up my own bad debts, I’m able to take on that of countless others.
I’m trying to figure out how to short sell McCain shares on Intrade right now.
Being afraid of homelessness is so yesterday… haven’t you heard the dow is up 400 already??? BRING OUT THE HOOKERS
Do I have to tell these assholes the same shit I have to tell my old lady: STOP BUYING ME SHIT. I don’t want a bunch of bad mortgages. If I wanted to throw my money down a rat hole, I’d purchase scratch off lottery tickets. Or at least some cronic.
ManchuCandidate: I don’t know, but vittles is mighty dear nowadays.
“But members of project mayhem have no names.”
“This is a man, and he has a name, and he died because of us. His name was Henry Paulson.”
“I understand. In death, a member of project mayhem has a name. His name was Henry Paulson.”
He’s headed down to Paraguay, I believe. I hear he bought a nice property just up the road from Bush.
I voted for his brother Pat when he was on Laugh in.
Does that make me a viewer of the future or just another
jerk off that watched too much T.V. in the day?
Elitist Republican Tard: Hate to tell you this, but they suspended short selling this morning. But you are now the proud owner of a bunch of bad debt. Horay!
It’s really sad that CNN considers Paulson’s “hundreds of billions of dollars are needed to resolve U.S. financial crisis” statement breaking news worthy of a OMG SEND IT!!! email to the universe, while I look at it and basically say, “Right. So it’s Friday. What’s new?” We’re fucked. Plain and simple. Now we’re just describing the billions of irrelevant ways we’re fucked.
Wow, four minutes and it’s over. This must be how Cindy McCain feels.
Brzezinski is still alive? I thought Walnuts killed her with mind bullets on ‘Morning Retard’ the other day.
Hunter Gathers:
Yeah, but debt is like pizza and sex: even bad debt’s pretty good… uh… oh wait… actually, it’s nothing like pizza or sex. Bad debt just plain sucks.
facehead: WIN
Strictly for the Tardcore: He took the George Bush “How to Address the Nation and Retreat in Under 5 Minutes” course.
Strictly for the Tardcore:
I’m sure she does, especially since she counts the three minutes
of begging as foreplay.
When the liveblogging of the treasury secretary is about 7 lines long but still manages to include the phrase “just RAN off the stage”… well that’s one of those “unorthodox” economic indicators you right there.
Hunter Gathers: Can’t use mind bullets if you’re mind is as deteriorated as WALNUTS!’ is.
Nice Tenacious D ref, though.
facehead: Double Win.
Strictly for the Tardcore: That leaves 3.5 minutes for cuddling!
MSNBC has just stressed to me that borrowers, borrowers, fudging, sneaking borrowers are responsible for it ALL.
Hunter Gathers: Not on Intrade - and it’s not like the uptick rule stopped short selling, it just made people write fancy put option contracts between themselves.
So,
FOR SALE!
1 billion shares of McCain/Palin!
Only $40/share!!!!
Ah man, I was hoping he would dance/shuffle, or maybe be pulled off the stage by a GIGANTIC CANE while tomatoes were thrown at him. VAUDEVILLE!
Ha ha ha! I’ve got nothing to worry about. I’ve always been poor. I feel sorry for those waspy douches that’ll have to start eating ramen noodles and government cheese though. Cheer up! Bad nutrition is character building!
Can we just tie a bow on this business and call it “The Week Where No One Knew What The Fuck Was Going On?”
Strictly for the Tardcore: That’s telekenesis, Kyle.
BTW, on a totally unrelated note, does anyone have 1 billion shared of McCain/Palin Intrade stock I can borrow? I’ll totally give it back, in like, three or four weeks.
MrAgro: Larry Kudlow blamed it on poor people yesterday on ‘Morning Retard’. When in doubt, blame the poor. You’re such a class act Larry!
Elitist Republican Tard: I’ve been trying to figure out how to do that all week.
Elitist Republican Tard: Does Intrade accept internet money? I was the genious behind 2 Girls With A Cup.
Serolf Divad: Time to sell my jungle estate in Paraguay. I just heard the neighborhood’s gone to shit.
Hunter Gathers:
She’s that girl who you sometimes see bringing coffee to Scarborough and Buchannan.
My 401k is an “evil doer”
Serolf Divad: I thought her official designation was ‘fluffer’.
Hunter Gathers: Well, the poor shouldn’t have bought houses! It’s totally their fault.
Kidding. I saw that too. I did enjoy the fact that Joe kept throwing it back at Kudlow for close to a half an hour.
We are SO fucked.
Even if Barry wins, which he will, he has to clean up this shit, and if he fails to make everything perfect, will be blamed for the mess and sacked in 4 years. Then it’ll be back to the idiot leadership that got us in this mess.
Maybe the utter SHIT of this whole situation–you know the government bailing out greedy motherfuckers and idiots with my tax money that could be used to provide me with oh, healthcare–would at least be soothed if SOMEONE would be held accountable for something. Maybe Bush & Co. could be tried and killed? Maybe we could pass some STRICT REGULATION for the financial sector? OR maybe we’ll just throw money at Wall Street and watch the country burn. ASSHOLES. GIVE ME MY MONEY, BITCH!
This is the fault of the poor! After all, they spend all their money on food, rent, and gasoline and none on investments. Fucking assholes.
Goddammit. I have to give a presentation to a VP at 10:30 am and make a bank run before noon. Hopefully I’ll be good and drunk by three.
NOW can I get my “we’re fucked” tag, please? If that’s too vulgur, how about “to hell in a hobo handbasket”?
So since we’ve bailed out a bunch of rich bastards, they’re going to stop talking about how they’ve achieved success the old fashioned way — with hard work and independence and no handouts from the government, right? Oh — okay. Well. I certainly hope all that smugness makes them taste better, then.
Elitist Republican Tard: I have a better idea. I’ve got a scheme to loan money to poor people who have no possible means of paying me back. Then I’m going to sell the debt in the form of bonds to a bunch of smarty pants douchebags. You want a piece of that?
NoWireHangers: See, it’s been eight (maybe sixteen) years since this happened, but I fully expect Barry to actually, uh, I dunno, work hard when he’s in office, rather than heading back to his filthy elitist ranch ever other week to mow the lawn and fuck a local schoolgirl. So I think he can start pulling this shit around.
Sickly Sam, I wish you’d just leave us alone.
http://www.homestarrunner.com/parsnips.html
Strictly for the Tardcore: Forget it, I fail at using tags. *hangs head in shame*
Cape Clod: I’ve got a futures contract on a bridge in Alaska that I’d like to sell you.
Fuck the fucking fuckers!
Today we are all Socialists.
He didn’t even grease us up before he jammed it in and broke it off. At least these bailouts do one thing: make Iraq seems quaintly cheap by comparison.
http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/
grendel: That’s what Comrade Paulson says. Welcome to the American Soviet Socialist Republic!
Lazy Media: Right on with the Homestar Runner shout-out! God bless you and yours, sir. Er, I mean, comrade.
I prefer Pat Paulson. For President!
He needs to go back to bird watching.
bearbait: Silly! Because of his 5-1/2 years, he can’t cuddle and more than a T-Rex could.
Well, I’m glad we haven’t spent a Trillion Dollars on some stupid war so we can afford to bail out Wall Street. And I’m glad we got that couple hundred dollar tax rebate bribe because we cut so much wasteful spending from government.
Oops, my mistake.
My god, we’ve been running this country like an 18 year old with a new credit card. It was only a matter of time and now someone’s about to hike up our interest rates to 30%.
I kneel down in honor of our new Chinese and Arab masters.