Wonkette
Hey everybody, are you enjoying the total implosion of late-stage capitalism? Are you watching your 401K lose digits by the day? Are you concerned that George W. Bush’s drunken meandering bullshit might not actually turn this thing around? Are you wondering, in other words, what the future post-apocalyptic meltdown will look like? Fortunately, there is an entire class of people whose job it is to imagine the most extreme scenarios, and depict them, through art, for us to look at in horror. I’m talking of course about political cartoonists! Join us for a guided tour of the hellscape, after the jump.
The first thing you need to know about the apocalypse is that everyone will be poor, obviously. Even America’s most beloved class — furries — will be completely broke. Unable to afford food, our majestic cosplayers will end up rooting through dumpsters to search for scraps of rotting but still quasiedible organic material, like this poor aardvark-fellow here. Unfortunately, despite the fact that his fursuit is now encrusted with foul-smelling filth, all he’s been able to find is this inspirational sign. Will he be able to derive nutritive value from it? There’s only one way to find out!
But the supplies of trash-food will only last for so long! After they run out, we’ll be forced to eat the only thing that American companies have actually produced in the last decade: elaborate branding campaigns. Torch-wielding mobs will converge of marketing and advertising firms and smash into their creative vaults, and then corporate mascots both four- and two-legged all over the land will be cooked up for the delight of the hungry masses.
And look, when we say “everyone will be poor,” we mean everyone — even the rich people! But, as is always the case, the rich poor will be better off than the poor poor. Instead of picking through the garbage of a doomed civilization, they’ll feed themselves by luring elderly eccentrics up to the wood-paneled boardrooms where they laid the plans that destroyed modern civilization, invite the poor codgers to sit down and relax, and then fall upon them and devour their flesh in a horrific orgy of cannibalism.
In fact, with all the cannibalism and the terror and the hey hey, there’s going to be blood, and lots of it. Just oceans and oceans of it, and your befuddled president can’t protect you from it, no matter how high he piles up the sandbags. Blood! Blood I say!
In order to survive in the terrible new post-apocalyptic world, human beings will eventually need to evolve, becoming near-animal creatures themselves to adapt to the savagery. Eventually, the transformation will be almost entirely complete, with only a bit of cosmetics or lovingly preserved clothes from the Before Times remaining to remind us that we once were men and women, with dignity.
In the future, people will still go to college, though! But instead of going off and getting entry-level jobs to help them decide what they want to do with themselves after graduation, they’ll be eaten by vultures, the end.
But the fundamentals are strong!
BLOOD! BLOOD I SAY!
ell oh ell @ “we’ll be forced to eat the only thing that American companies have actually produced in the last decade: elaborate branding campaigns.”
It’s this type of boundless optimism that really makes me jump out of bed in the morning eager to usher in a new day.
Clearly, you’re missing some of the absurd foreign cartoons this time.
Are Dumpter Donkeys good eatin?
I like knowing that I will not lose my job(don’t ask) and everyone else will. I plan on buying me a McMansion(remember those?) for about $14.99 sometime next spring.
Fourteen dollars and ninety nine cents. Including tax.
Godot: He meant the workers are strong, like they can lift boxes and shit, you know.
I’d love to read this, but I’ve gotta go dig up some graves for stewbones.
John McCain was a POW, dammit! And don’t forget Sarah .. Sarah … oh what’s that ditzy woman’s name?
Da ‘publicans trew out da ‘conomies and da demrats foundsded it in da dumper. What wuz da demrat doin’ in da dumper?
With only 46 days left until November 4th, do you know the Top 50 Swing Voter Demographics in 2008?
#50 - Hockey Moms
#49 - Godless Hollywood Liberals
#48 - Baristas
#47 - People with STDs
#46 - ???
Check out http://swingvoters.wordpress.com
When this nation of whiners finally transforms into a nation of wine-o’s, I’ll look forward to meeting our two-buck chuck overlords.
I love cartoon fridays.
Damn donkey! Get outta my house! Hobo Joe moved to 5th Street yesterday, so that dumpster is totally MINE.
In the future all entry level jobs will require pulling the spines from cactus’s to obtain water for the vulture dung coffee that will be the most popular beverage of the Post-Apocalyptic Era.
Ah, those were pretty funny. Especially the bear helpfully labeled “Wall St.” so we didn’t confuse it with the Russian bear in all the funnies lately. Can’t we seperate them… I dunno, give the Russian bear one a’ them big Russian hats, and maybe Wall St. Bear a three-piece?
And not one cartoonist figured out how to make a Patrick Bateman reference? Shame.
Apococalypse in what respect, Charlie?
Looks like oceans of Kool-Aid to me. Oh, yeah!
” … people will still go to college …”
Yes, many campuses are in need of trash pickers and septic tank cleaners, if the goddam Mexkins haven’t stolen those jobs too.
I’m going to a big, big college: Michigan. There I can suck on disgarded hot dog wrappers after each football game. The condiments are particularly tasty this time of year.
Seriouly… if I counted calories the way Wall Street logged profits, I’d “consume” about 2800 calories a day, but would soon end up dead from starvation.
I’ve put lipstick on a bear before. It only makes them moderately more attractive.
http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/
y’know they say deep fried maggots are quite tasty.
sanantonerose: Can’t be the Kool-Aid, the righties already drank it all.
…and we’re STILL funding three wars.
Are you watching your 401K lose digits by the day?
Haha! Joke’s on you! I haven’t put any money into mine, and I’m almost 40! Whee!
SayItWithWookies: Now that you say that, I’m totally going vegetarian.
josh: in the ’30s they said people went to college because they couldn’t get jobs. after graduation, they still couldn’t get a job but they knew why. nevermind.
Wall Street, phht. What a bunch of whiners.
Viva la Légion étrangère!
Allons enfants de la Patrie
Le jour de gloire est arrivé!
The American Citizen in the flood cartoon is obviously not starving.
Strictly for the Tardcore: No, no. They prefer Flavor Aid.
Servo: You have to employ the angry young men somehow.
becoming near-animal creatures themselves
Say hello to your furry overlords, peons. Yiff or die.
Swingvoter: Listen Mr. “Swingvoter” , if that is your real name, we have just entered the post-numerical economy, get with the program. It is all this math, fuzzy or accurate, which got us into this mess; mankind needs to free itself from the shackles of addition, multiplication, and long division. We need to replace all this numerical thinking with sheer gut instinct, which is the only thing that ever got a toilet to flush anyway.
TGY: My French is so limited, I was wondering why in the hell you’d be chipper enough to sing the opening tune to Cabaret.
Now that I think about it, I’m embarrased to know that the only French I know, is from that goddamn show.
njdon: Only after the maggots feed. Otherwise they’re a bit chewy and, you know, dry.
BTW: On the USDA Food Pyramid, maggots now count as a vegetable. And who says that the Bush Administration is standing still in this time of crisis?
Naked Bunny with a Whip: I stopped putting money in mine four years ago, so I could take out a loan against it. Now that the loan is paid off, everything’s too expensive to divert the money back.
I’m investing in gardening tools.
Hey, Bush was just trying to help us all lose weight and get back to nature. Maybe his methods are a little unsound, but it’s the thought that counts, right?
That sign was made out of soy protein bound with melamine. Totally edible.
Prosperity is just around the corner!!
Meant to add “inspirational,” too…. i’m a dumbass
Chicken Smack: Many people sing the Play-Ball song in baseball, often without realizing it.
All things are possible!
I wonder if we should put a call into Mark Trail to help out?
TGY: We will water the furrows of our fields with the blood of the impure! Fuck yeah!!!
Are Ramen noodles a publicly traded company? Cuz that’s gonna fucking take off, man!
So, if I read this correctly, this bailout only solves the problem of bad assets. Any mention of the stratospheric cost of MedicAid, unrealistic gummint employees’ benefits/pensions, funding three wars, or the continued rebuilding of every community along the Gulf coast?
freakishlystrong: Dog food, man, dog food.
Roger Mexico, Actuary: “Soylent Green is people!”
here’s your elitist ramen noodle guide
http://www.nissinfoods.com/recipes/recipes_main.php
tunamelt:
I believe the brand on “Road Warrior” was Dinky-Di. It don’t think it can be any worse than Taco Bell’s “beef”.
I’m investing in gardening tools.
I’m hording sleeping pills.
Servo: Don’t think about the real world implications here! Just remember that WALNUTS will save your money from the terrorists of Wall Street using Palin, who is fundamentally strong as a moose.
lilblackcorvette: Loves it! “Top Ramen Pizza”..however it’s not elitist, I saw no arugula, will there be no arugula in our New World?
Servo: Stop reminding people of our other financial problems. One cluster fuck at a time please.
lilblackcorvette: Salmon Ramen with Fresh Vegetables?
Because you can afford salmon and fresh vegetables in the end times?
I’d like to see a recipe for feral cat and weeds ramen.
1) BORROWING LOTS OF MONEY
2) ???
3) PROFIT!
Today, we are all bitterz…
I’m hording sleeping pills.
You can have ‘em. I’m staying awake at night, so I can guard my Ramen stash and winter potato garden. Hungry college kids will be shot on sight.
Just remember, Paw, they cain’t never keep us down, ’cause we’re the people.
tunamelt: Recipe for feral cat and weeds ramen:
One dead feral cat (the live ones are hard to skin)
Roast cat over hot coals for 45 minutes
Smoke the weeds
Trade Ramen noodles for a sharp pointy stick, to fend off the CHUD’s, who will be drawn to stomach churning stench of charred cat
Put head between your knees
Kiss your ass goodbye
tunamelt: if you can even consider salmon and fresh vegetables in these times, you are probably not thinking about ramen!
Cowboy up, you pussies! In this new socialist workers paridise, you will all be employed…
Making tens of thousands of the same style of left shoe. So, get to it! We have quotas to meet!
edgydrifter: Yeah, none of this buggering about with flags and so forth. La Marseillaise is pretty straightforward.
Chicken Smack:
Encule, sac du merde.
Those french know love.
gjdodger: Hey, that’s Walnuts’ economic plan!!
But I’m sure the underpants gnomes would do a better job of fixing the economy. They work for Santa on the side. And Santa knows what the fuck he’s doing.
Oh my god! Lyndon LaRouche was right!
Strictly for the Tardcore: What about the California State Bear and the Alaskan Polar Bear and the everpresent Western Man-Eater Grizzly?
lilblackcorvette: I am all over that Ramen pizza. Like white on rice, if only I could still afford rice
tunamelt: Here it is!:
1 ferral cat, dead or alive
1 bunch weeds, ditch weed if you can get it
1 cup Smack Ramen
1 pot, steal from Lehman Bros. hobo
dash of blood from a turnip, aka US Treasury
Bludgeon cat if alive (see Palin hunting videos). Smoke ditch weed.
Piss in the pot (it may be your last chance). Cook over fire fueled by your worthless financial services stock portfolio.
Drugs help.
Look at the bright side, our Chinese overlords will probably out-source us to Europe to man the buffets or polish women’s hairy hammertoes.
Hunter Gathers: Damn it! You beat me! Yours is so much
more Cormac McCarthy than mine.
Ahh that last cartoon is so funny!
Except the Vulture should say ‘Law School Loans’ and the bleak wasteland should say ‘The Job Market’. Oh, the vulture should also be tearing out my liver in great bloody gouts while I thrash about screaming and begging for mercy…
checkonechecktwo: And cost money.
Godot: Fundamentals = American Workers. What field of work?
WaldoJeffersHead: The corner of an M.C. Escher sketch.
I’m collecting soup stones. Mmmmm hobo tasty!
Naked Bunny with a Whip: Best post ever!!
freakishlystrong: As Bitters, we should sit on our front porch hugging the impossibly expensive, Chinese-made knick knacks we bought from the Crystal Cathedral on credit. http://www.cathedralgifts.com/widmitcredca.html
With our Bushmaster Carbon 15 Type 97 pistols, we will protect our homes from roaming bands of filthy street urchins and unemployed barristas seeking to steal the burned crumbs at the bottom of our toaster ovens.
Country First.
Big Al1317: I’d bow, but I know better than to do that on Wonkette unless I’m “in the mood”.
tunamelt: Worth. It.
tunamelt: Absolute Winner! Not that I have any Absolut but if I did you, as the winner, would get it.
As a college graduate of two years who is still looking for a decent full-time job, I would savor the opportunity to be eaten by vultures. Where can I send my resume?
Is just me or does the critter in the first comic look like Cerebus? Yup, just me, biggest comics geek around.
MoonshineJoe: He’ll save it for FIVE AND A HALF YEARS, and Caribou Barbie can see Russia and our money from her house…
tunamelt: Well, don’t forget that at the Apocalypse, everybody will be in Alaska where Salmon is plentiful. Palin will have killed all the bears, so there will be fish left. Of course, they’ll all be toxic from the industrial waste from DRILL BABY DRILL, but that’s ok. Who wants to live past 30 anyway? We can all watch as our fingers and toes fall off.