Wonkette
Morgan Stanley and Goldman Sachs, the two largest independent investment banks to not have been brutally murdered yet, are… moderately fucked? Both companies’ stock prices have been dropping a solid 10-20% each of the last few days, but supposedly that will curtail when people calm the fuck down. WHICH WILL NEVER HAPPEN, which is why Morgan Stanley will now be sold to the Chinese government for two crusty dildos and a pack of Luckies.
China! They must be loving this. Just a few weeks ago they were chillin’ in Beijing, pretending to watch their Olympics and secretly planning the final details for their impending ground war on the United States of America. “Or we could just continue to buy them,” said an advisor to President Hu Jintao. Jintao decided they’d buy the United States for a little while longer, a few months, and then maybe next Spring during the nice weather they’d come over for the final rape- and decapitation-heavy killfest. Jintao and his advisers then went to T.G.I. Friday’s for top shelf Mojitos, only to be greeted by former New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey wearing a blueberry-flavored condom on his ring finger, and nothing else.
Anyway. China! The United States is currently being fucked sideways by eighteen thousand new flavors of debt, and it needs it summathat China money! China has no need to invade us anymore, or even strategize. We have SO MUCH DEBT that we’ll soon be giving our country’s finest virgins to these Chinese investors as courtesy gifts so long as they keep buying our debt. We’ll come to them on hand and foot! Smoothest coup d’etat of all time.
Which brings us to the point of this post, which is that China’s state-controlled fund may buy a 49% stake in Morgan Stanley.
Morgan, Goldman Shares Decline as Confidence Wanes [Bloomberg]
Do we all get to touch the dildo, at least?
Chinese dildos…. getting the lead in.
China can laugh (a little) as US America goes through the Republican Party’s answer to the Great Leap Forward (Credit/Debt/Derivatives Bomb) and the Cultural Revolution (Abortions and gayz marriage for none.)
Um, everyone should go out and buy a piggy bank right now.
You know how sometimes people write “I, for one, welcome our new Chinese overlords” and it’s kind of funny and snarky?
Well, I’m serious: I do.
No, no, no. It’s just the market adjusting. To its new headquarters in Beijing.
YES! I successfully avoided the News Hour ad! No Talky Talky for YOU Jim Lehrer. I don’t care about poor people and food.
What were we talking about?
Oh yeah, I for one welcome our new…blah blah…overlords. the end.
Why doesn’t this post have the buttsex tag?
grobby22: piggy banks are made in china.
Some sick part of me wants WALNUTS! to win just for the hell of it. Let’s see just how much more the GOP and the corporations can utterly fuck the USA and how long it takes for the country to be turned into a post-apocalyptic mutant toxic waste dump landscape of charred remains.
loquaciousmusic: Well, will our new overlords lead us in the great war with Spain? Our ancient and traditional enemy?
Giving the Chinese our virgins? I take it that Bristol is out of the running, as is other any girl over the age of 12 in Wasilla.
The one thing I’ve learned in this crisis is that CNBC has better looking anchors than MSNBC.
BackManchuCandidate:Yeah, when your money tanks, those flag burning and gay marriage arguments tend to get lost. It’s like, “if we let gays marry, can we have our money back?”
In the meantime, everyone remember the Monty Python song, “I Like Chinese”:
There’s nine hundred million of them in the world today
You’d better learn to like them; that’s why I say
I like Chinese
Who’s eating dog paws now, Mr. America?
Can’t we just ask the Russians to save us, like that time in World War II?
Does this mean that I can now order take-out from Morgan Stanley?
I’m really glad I learned Chinese watching Firefly. 猴子的屁股！・猴子的屁股！
Well, it is the year of the (Kangaroo, outerspace) Rat in chinese Astrology…coninkidink? You decide…
I just know the Chinese are going to try and replace me with a cuter, more camera-friendly lip-synching PoliTacky at the big hand-over ceremony.
Me own you long time.
magic titty: Careful, lead paint.
Meh, lets just declare bankruptcy.
Today: -$9.6 trillion
Tomorrow: $0!
Oh come on… everyone knows the Chinese president is named Hu Ji Dong.
By the way: does anyone else here remember back when Clinton was president and the batty right-wingers were all pissed off about us selling rocket guidance software to the Chinese so they could help launch some of our communications satellites? They were all “treason” this and “impeach” that… wel.. whatever happened to those guys?
paolaccio: Ooo. Me too! I love Captain Tightpants. Sigh…
I prefer to keep mine a bit more topical though: 瘋狂的爺爺！瘋狂的爺爺！
A little loan-mein anyone? Some mai-fund? Don’t moo goo gai panic, China’s got us covered!
NoWireHangers:
Yeah… things are so incredibly fucked up right now, and will require such painful re-adjustments that the next president will very likely be a one-termer.
NoWireHangers:
Start practicing now. Fallout 3 will will be released in North America on October 28, 2008.
Well, at least they are a god-fearing Christian country.
I hear their women have sideways vaginas.
Does anyone know where I can download carpentry plans for a rickshaw?
magic titty: We could, if WcCain and Dubya hadn’t decided to ignore Russia and not actually work with them on anything meaningful when they had the chance. Now we have nothing Russia wants and don’t feel like sticking their neck out for us.
On the plus side, I much prefer the Big ‘n’ Spicy Kung Pao Chicken Combo to borscht anyway.
Thank you, Nixon. Thank you oh so very much.
Please make World War III happen as soon as possible so we can reinvigorate the economy. Put Palin’s son on the front lines while you’re at it. INSTANT sucksess.
In the last few days, I’ve been sending snarky “should I be buying a hobo coat and harmonica?” e-mails to my friends at Morgan Stanley and BNP Paribas in New York. Generally they replied with, “haha, my crazy liberal friend. it sure is pretty bad.” or Wall Street Journal OPNs bawwwwing about Obama’s plan to hike their taxes.
Today’s e-mail got the reply “you shouldn’t send me e-mails anymore.”
Buy canned foods.
McCain now wants to fire the head of the SEC (a former Repub congressman from CA) as if it’s all HIS fault. Does that make him a would be Cox-sacker?
Okay, this post is a big fat lie. Everyone knows there are no virgins left in this country, since Bush has royally fucked us all.
“…two crusty dildos and a pack of Luckies.” That’s more than I ever got from the Chinese! Hmph.
TJBeck: Should we go Chapter 11 and reorganize this thing? Or go Chapter 13 and hope our lawyer can sway the court to let us keep our house?
Time to dig out those old Foxfire books and reinvestigate those grass-and-dog-turd soup recipes.
NoWireHangers: Have you been to Oklahoma recently?
NoWireHangers: That’s a guilty pleasure you are referring to.. the idea that the undereducated and uncaring masses deserve to suffer from their own ignorance. You are not alone. I can’t reconcile making the idiots suffer with my own desire to not suffer, though. The jocks and cheerleaders may still defeat the forces of common decency (without my Karmic prayers), and thereby bring the apocalypse down upon us. As a former member of the math club I say, “Let them eat Pi.”
I hate it when I say things like, “China will just buy us one day soon,” and then one day soon comes and China does just buy us. I guess I should brush up on how they like their coffee in the morning, and whether the Big Macs should be heavy on special sauce. One must keep the Chinese masters happy. The labor camps are filled with people who didn’t know the answer about special sauce.
It is difficult to bring humor forth from this topic…
Sussemilch: You funny long time!
NoWireHangers: I’m having some serious Mad Max fantasies right now.
Chinese dildos look like American suppositories.
Strictly for the Tardcore: We have…Bears.
I’m still trying to figure out how you worked McGreevey into this post. Was it a stream of conciousness thing or are you tripping?
Pee-Pee flavored Coke anyone?
shortsshortsshorts: Have we discussed the political/electional implications of Track dying in combat? I don’t want to say this lightly…I certainly wouldn’t want him to lose his life. However, if it happens in the next 40 days, Palin’s a shoe-in.
trophy(forparticipation)wife: damnitall.
nietzscheprojectile: If that’s what they bought Morgan Stanley for, they should get 3 crusty dildos in change.
Nippon, q queue, dog! Ash gala wonderful, Easy Rider, salad, the mall. Who dong hide? Label, goo, goo, goo, goo, plus plus plus plus…OHIO!
ohwaitthatsjapannodonthitsubmitnofuckfuckfuck
…I cant wait to hear Cooter & Bubba in Boondock City, Mississippi try and pronounce Wen Jiabao!
Crap. I was stupid and took FRENCH in high school. That isn’t going to help me much when I have to beg for rice at the local HelloKittyMart. S’il vous plait? J’ai besoin du riz!
Ha ha! Joke’s on them. Thanks for the heaps of plastic junk China! Watch us print more dollars and then just try spending all that funny money.
Dear China,
I have read that you tire of the noise and pollution caused by your own miraculous industries. Well, I inhabit a particularly succulent region of Texas, USA. We have acres of untouched land just waiting to be turned into factories. Please invade posthaste.
PS: should you need any sort of guide, any sort of Norgay to your Hillary, please consider my services.
Shamelessly,
The D.
magic titty: Side effects may include homelessness, lack of income, lack of food, and roving packs of the undead.
So ask your economic advisor if Damnital is right for you. Damnital, for your Economic Crisis Disorder.
shortsshortsshorts: Shorts! You’re back!
2druk2phluq: Ha! Coffee. Get used to brewing strong green tea in an old jam jar. I’m available as a consultant on Chinese culture for $500 an hour. Call me.
CivicHoliday: Gold.
Economists call this a brief period of loss-taking, but China needn’t bother sending their own troops to the rape and decapitation killfest. They can afford to wait a few days for enraged investors to do that job for them.
I’m clinging to my guns and religion now.
bago: Ah! That’s my birthday!
magic titty: Ummm. You can have my turn.
Strictly for the Tardcore: So the side effects are Haiti? I can get by on that.
AnnieGetYourFun: The computer I’ve used for the last few days has cerebral palsy, unfortunately, so not until Monday night will I be back to normal snark conditions. It should be fun to see what happens here for the last week as I have been a-political for 5 days (except for the financial markets of course. It’s hard to avoid THOSE little tid bits).
Well, I DON’T welcome our new Chinese overlords, but frankly it doesn’t matter whether we do or not, as they own our souls.
When do they start importing American coolies to farm rice plantations? Do we get to wear neat hats?
China’s not doin’ so good, either…just far better than we.
shortsshortsshorts: Dude, we MISSED you. We had a hardcore troll for about 10 minutes before Jim banned him, and you could have had SO much fun with him. Everyone assumes it was Tony, but I don’t know… I never knew Tony that well.
Can I bum a smoke?
Jon in Austin: a chinese AK47 copy and officially disapproved of buddhism?…
personally, im planning for the future…
ive got just enough credit left on my WaMu card to pay for hymenoplasty and a good dye job…..
ya think chinese men like blondes?….
So…as sad as it is to admit this, I actually re-up’d in the military as a back-up plan for total economic collapse. I know that I can get on orders if it came to that and at least I could feed my family for a year or two.
No snark here.
AnnieGetYourFun: Tea is the old China. Liquid “will to live” is the new China. The line forms to your right, Coolie.
Servo: Difference? China doesn’t care. When they have an obesity problem and SINOCAR races that fill 100,000 seats, then they will care.
AfghanVet: You’re in the Chinese military?
greatgooglymoogly: Good point.
I’M A
*INCONTINENT*
VOTER
AfghanVet:
China doesn’t have the pesky wages/benefits problem, either. Little wonder why the GOP has such close ties with ‘em.
Man, China used to be cool. What happened?
JtotheA: First they’re ‘cool’, then we’re all ‘coolies’. Happens.
nietzscheprojectile: Mad Max! Yes! I call Tina Turner!
grobby22: But, but… I can’t AFFORD a piggy bank.
But I have got a used condom and HALF a pack of luckies, so what’s that worth? Can I at least get a major interest in WaMu or something?
Remember China kills those public officers who take bribes from lobbyists, including those who have cock and coke with managers of oil companies.
Drill baby but not drill, baby.
AMERICA *ONE DAY ONLY* CLOSEOUT SALE-A-THON. 75% OFF ALL MERCHANDISE. PURPLE-MOUNTAIN MAJESTIES, FRUITED-PLAINS–EVERYTHING MUST GO!!! SORR–NO RAIN CHECKS!!!
ReelectTilden:
LMAO
I for one welcome our new insect overlords
shortsshortsshorts: Everyone needs a bailout sometime. Nice to see you back.
Anyone notice that every company bailed out has an acronym? Maybe to avoid runs and CDS failures they could offload the acronym, like to Tier 4 liabilities, and become real english language like name? Should fix the balance sheet in no time.
Then set up an acronymic-risk clearinghouse … and naked short it to zero! Platinum!
They were going to conjoin and call themselves Stanley Goldman but some guy in Brooklyn already has that name.
I’m a Chinese man and I will NOT fuck you Americans, virgin or not. Did you know that the BMI classification for obesity is lower in China than in the U.S.? By our standards, 82% of American women are overweight or obese. Yuck.
loquaciousmusic: I welcome them too. When we were watching the opening ceremonies of the Olympics and seeing the Chinese having this staggeringly huge coming out party I thought, good for them. They can take over now. We’ll just fade into being like Germany and let someone else take a turn running the world for a while. They can’t handle it any worse than we have.